Screw the Cup, Where's My Quality of Life?!

When a Hutt speaks, the whole world must listen!

Leonsis: Teams add to community’s quality of life

You hear that community?!? Quit bitchin' about your goddamn sub par quality of life! We have a TEAM!!! It's all we need! I don't want to hear about employment rates, debt ceilings, social security or any other stupid depressing BS, no folks, all we need is a team in our life! So sayeth the Hutt!

Long before Ted Leonsis became a successful entrepreneur and majority owner of the Washington Wizards, Capitals, Mystics and the Verizon Center, he was the mayor of a small town in Florida.

Ahh yes, those dastardly Hutts, gaining political leverage to unleash a fury of gang violence! He had miles of Cubans stretched out in the orange fields of a small town in F-L-A pumping out wares 18-20 hours a day! Oh what a time, oh what a life!

More so than any of his other business accomplishments, Leonsis credits that experience with preparing him to become a sports team owner.

Indeed, nothing says 'winning the stanley cup' like managing the budget concerns of Big Joe's Monster Truck n' Tow from Clearwater Florida! I heard Brian Burke used to manage a Wal-Mart!

“I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the social ramifications of owning a sports team."

These space peasants won't drink themselves to death!

"The responsibility that comes with it is not unlike being an elected public official,”

So true, also not unlike mining for rare ores in the sand hills of Tattoine!

“There is a silent majority, and you worry about their needs,” he said.

The Gorlackian government is a most untrustworthy opponent of the Hutt clan! They most certainly have infiltrated our lair with a cunning set of spies!

"It’s your job to be able to filter what each side is saying, but never lose sight that it’s the masses that we have to be concerned with.”

Yes, as Hutt clansmen we must always be aware of the masses! For without the feeble weaklings, who would mine the depths, pick the orange groves, or commit mass murder sprees against our enemies?!

Known for being one of the most media-savvy and accessible owners in pro sports

A savvy only rivaled by his most insatiable appetite for moist rodent!

Leonsis communicates with fans every day through his blog and through email

And a quite slow gorgolak mail carrier!

and said he strives to answer every concern that comes to his attention.

Ted, I really would like those little tropical umbrellas in my mai tai next time I'm hanging out in the space lounge, any way you could make that happen? Also, got any digits for that retractable lipped lead-singer? She really pushes my buttons...

In addition to building championship teams, Leonsis believes that sports team ownership also is a public trust and should be viewed as a higher calling.

Oh get over yourself. You sold some fucking AOL stock and bought a goddamn hockey team, you're not the fucking pope you stupid fat Hutt.

He wants to see his teams bring the community together, in addition to winning championships.

Shut the fuck up, get over the goddamn community. You know what cheers everyone up douche? Winning a fucking cup, that's it. It just is. (please read that last sentence in a really high-pitched Simmons-esque voice, thanks)

“Washington is really an emblematic city, not only for our country, but for the world,” Leonsis said. “It’s a vibrant and growing city.”

Yes for you see, only in this city can change be brought! What's that, another government shut down, well I'll be...

Leonsis identified five factors that define a city:

"Whores, snacks, drugs, jazz-fusion, and slaves"

universities, public space, iconic real estate, media properties and sports teams.

Uh oh, wait, public space?!? Public space? Like the actual air? Yes, and water, land, and the other shit...

He talked about how sports intertwines all of them.

Yes sports is so very critical to my sense of public space!

“Sports is one of the three main drivers of reputation in an educational institution,” Leonsis said.

This is so fucking wrong and depressing on so many levels, I can't even comment on them.

“Selectivity is number one, how difficult is it to get into the school; research dollars is second, and usually a major athletic program is number three."

Wha, the what?!? What does this have to do with winning a cup?? And what does a PRO HOCKEY TEAM have anything at all to do with school? I think Ted has eaten one too many space brownies...

“It’s no secret that the better the Georgetown men’s basketball program does, the more applications there are to attend the school. It’s like a three-hour infomercial when a team is playing on national television.”

And that impacts the Caps how? And fuck Georgetown, like they need another infomercial. The next twenty freshman classes are already spec'ed out by government seats and brown nosed lobbyist brats.

After the death of long time Bullets/Wizards owner Abe Pollin in 2009, Leonsis purchased the team and Verizon Center, which he now calls “public space” for the city.

Public Space?!?! How is that possible Ted? Seeing as how you just ONCE AGAIN raised ticket prices for both teams? Public, but only if you can fork over 45k a year to sit in the nosebleeds?!

“The Verizon Center is now a convener. We bring in 2 [million] to 3 million people [annually],” Leonsis said.

And usually only consume 1[million] to 2[million] people (limbs included) [daily].

“We have to protect and enhance our public space because it’s a big part of the identity of our community."

We can have infomercials! Come one come all! Just ignore the gorlog monster at the front gate, he's harmless WINK WINK*

“When you think of Manhattan, and you ask anyone to name the important pieces of real estate, a top-10 mention is Madison Square Garden. We have the Verizon Center right near the Mall, right near the Capitol, right near the White House. It’s becoming an iconic piece of real estate."

Wait, so in one fell swoop you compare your crappy little corporate named barely 10 year old building wedged between a metro station and china town, to the fucking white house, MSG or the goddamn capitol? Are you mental or are all Hutts this insane?!?

"It activates local commerce.”

Indeed, as soon as I see those crappy outdated glass facades of your Verizon center I have this irresistible urge to re-up my cell phone plan!

Leonsis believes that when people think of Washington, D.C., they now think about the Capitals, the Wizards and the Mystics the same way that New Yorkers think of the Yankees, or Bostonians think of the Red Sox and the Bruins.

Yup, you heard it first folks, Mystics = Red Sox! Suck it Boston!

Leonsis declined to offer many specifics about the Wizards,

Get the fuck out of here, the man declined to offer specifics? Now I've heard everything...

but did express excitement about some of the recent moves made by the Caps.

A bulge in his Hutt pants moved six inches!

“all in hopes of trying to perfect and build a team that the community can be really proud of and that can define its success by bringing our community closer together and hopefully competing for and one day winning a championship."

Yes, nothing helps winning a championship in HOCKEY then bringing the community together! For you see, the Bruins did not bother to get better at hockey, or you know, learn to score more goals, no folks they just had a bake sale! Yep, brownies and cakes for all the little children! I heard Chara makes a mean rice-krispee treat!

There’s no more tickets to sell

But its a public space, all are welcome!

we’ve spent every dollar we can spend under the salary cap in the NHL, and there’s nothing to do other than to provide the fans a team that hopefully can do better next year.

Nothing left to be done! Get your playoff tickets now! The Cup is ours!

" I think there’s trust between our franchise and our fans base that everyone knows that that’s what our goal is.”

Now rock the red you lazy mother fuckers!

"Far from being removed, or adversarial toward the media, Leonsis said he feels more a part of the media, and is aware of his ability to affect people lives."

He feels that way because he ate the media with a sad face.

“Sports plays an unbelievably special role in people’s lives."

Indeed, we can all forget that we toil away each day under the weighty thumb of our Hutt overlords, instead able to focus on the caps! So lucky!

"We’re relatively small businesses, but our psychic footprint is incredibly large,”

Yes, my psychic powers are through the roof!

“I want to bring the community together, and make lifelong memories.”

I want the children to paint pictures of me, I want the great artists to sculpt my nude form throughout the city! Each thoroughfare, every intersection shall bask in the glow of my shining blubber! The people will weep and drop at the sight of my Hutt name!

God, any chance he could sell to Mark Cuban? I mean, fuck the community man, just win a goddamn cup before I'm too old and senile to pick out the puck on T.V.

Follow the Leader!

Welp, here we go gang. Another rousing summer afternoon gleaming news bits and sound bytes from the latest developments at rookie camp (well shiver me timbers!) Oh what a time to be alive! To hear BB's latest musing on all things Galiev! I just wish, in this most down of down-times, this rash of summer rage, this heatwave of extreme boredom, someone would come along with an article all about our new young fearless leadership! A treaty, if you will, based merely on speculation and a most wish-washy of methods, an extensive analysis of what the future may hold! I require a sage! A most advanced mind to plumb the depths and provide a glimpse of the future! Oh cruel world, what may be cast for my beloved of franchises?!?

Phew, crappy article to the rescue:

Linky

"Leaders or followers? We’ll find out"

Ohhh yeahhhhh! Now that, is one badd-asss mother-fluckin title! The Beezzzzzzz Kneezzzzzzzzzz of titles baby. Shit article or great article? WE'LL FIND OUT BITCH!

Since the Washington Capitals ran aground in the second round of the playoffs

THE BOAT HAS CRASHED INTO THE MOUNTAIN!

their front office has had meetings with Alex Ovechkin, Nicklas Backstrom, Mike Green, Brooks Laich — the core Caps, in other words. The subject of the sit-downs? Leadership.

Eh, seems a little vague there article writer, probably went something a little more like this:


Ovechkin, subject? Pussy
Backstrom, subject? Kush
Green, subject? My fuckin' rash is actin up again coach!
Laich, subject? Money and fat wizards, and not necessarily in that order.

Jason Arnott, after all, is gone now.

Oh what a fuckin' blow, how can we ever go on?! To lose some numbnut over-the-hill blowhard who couldn't score in a paper bag full of Eastern Euro whores, what devastation!

So is Sergei Fedorov, the Jason Arnott of 2008 and 2009.

First of all, on what fuckin' planet do you get off article writing guy comparing the GREAT SERGEI FUCKING FEDOROV to some douche bag who played here one goddamn weekend?!? Sergei gave us almost 18 months of pure hockey bliss bringing it night after night rocking the red and single-handedly beating the rangers that year (at least thats how I choose to remember it so fuck off).

So, come to think of it, are Boyd Gordon, Eric Fehr and Matt Bradley — all Capitals of fairly long standing.

Long standing caps who all happened to suck balls and combined for 3 goals last year between various ailments, a totally wrecked back, two shoulders literally glued on at this point, and a face so broken and bloodied that his wife divorced him on the spot (I think).

“The whole discussion was: It’s time for you guys to take over,” general manager George McPhee said Monday at the Caps’ development camp at Kettler Iceplex.

 GMGM paused for six hours, then continued, 'yes gentlemen, your time has come. Now I must return to Ted's side for it the feast of a thousand hutts tonight and I SHAN'T be late!'

Or to put it another way: You’re not kids anymore.

Good one article guy! Seriously though, leave the snark to the professionals, like myself...

“That’s right. They’re some of our top players, and they need to be top players if we’re going to have success. It’s about coming to camp in the best shape of their lives …”

Classic GMGM, how to say something controversial without really saying anything at all 101.

(Feel free to read between the lines here.) 

Thanks writer douche but I'll feel whatever I damn well want to feel asshat!

“… It’s about taking care of themselves during the season …” 

All those ellipses represent pauses of 18-20 minutes from the interview.

(Feel free to read between the lines here, too.)

Goddammit, I'm serious now, stop telling me what to feel!


“- It’s about being coachable. It’s about talking to the other players if they’re not doing the right things and straightening them out.”

Ov: Yo Galiev!!! I have great ganga back at crib my comrade! Come we hit hookah all night with beautiful babes!

Captain Ovie and the others are the stage of their careers where they must become the keepers of the flame.

Rider's of the storm! Keepers of the flame!

In fact, it raises an interesting question: Are leaders born, or can they also be made?

Yep, this is definitely the article I was jonsing for, I mean, imagine the mind that would dare to ask the real tough questions! Such insight! Such wisdom!

As we’ve seen time and again, winning a Stanley Cup is as much alchemy as science. 

OOOhhh tell us more professor! Oh I got one, will we ever be able to clone ourselves?!?

When the Caps went to the finals in 1998, Olie Kolzig, their new associate goalie coach, said, “we thought we were going to be back there soon, because we had a pretty good team and a pretty good organization. But we never got out of the first round again. 

Listen, Olie, I love ya baby, but you all kinda sucked that year. I mean really, the Sabres? give me a break...

“Sometimes being favored doesn’t always work to your favor. There’s a lot of pressure that you have to live up to. Some guys can play with that, some guys can’t.” 

This guy definitely went to coach's lecture clinic!


Yes, there’s plenty of youth on the roster, and the future would appear to be bright, but “that window is going to start closing here,” Kolzig said

And again with the fucking window! I swear, Kolzig reads my blog, that's the only explanation.


“especially with the collective bargaining agreement now and the salary cap.You can’t keep the team together for that long"

Oi, thanks Ollie, way to get us psyched for the upcoming year. I've heard more enthusiasm from a mostly damp blanket...

Olie has his own ideas about the nature/nurture, born-to-lead/raised-to-lead issue.

Get out of here! One of the biggest hypocritical self-centered douchebag over the hill, 'my skillsets are gone but I should be starting 75 games like brodeur' goalies ever has his own ideas? Come on man, get real!

During his playing days, you see, he roomed with Adam Oates and then Halpern — both of whom wore the “C” in Washington  

Imagine trying to get through a shower with kolzig running around!

“the impact that Oatsy had on Halpy,” he said. “But Halpy always had that ability to be a leader"

Halpy! Oatsy! Kolzigy! Meet Vokouny! and Ovy! Oh my favorite, Backstromy! Hey you Wardy! You're my boy Bouwery!

 “I was always a guy who wore his emotions on his sleeve and was never shy about letting people know how I felt." 

Yeah! Like that time I got benched, the team went on a miracle 10 game run to make the playoffs for the first time in a billion years, and I pissed and moaned and tore my nameplate off my locker and went running to Florida!

" But, yeah, I think you’re just born with it. You might be able to learn to be a proper leader, but I think, deep down inside, you have to have that ability. You just need to learn how to do it.”

I tell ya, I could just about listen to Olie wax poetic on anything! I mean, the insight! So let's line things up for our big finish, Olie the goalie says leaders are born not made, what say you article guy?

Ovechkin, Backstrom, Green and Laich have spent the past few seasons in the classroom, studying under Professors Fedorov and Arnott. Now it’s time for their final exam.


Uh, that sounds really weird right after that Olie quote. Did you cut out letters from magazines and glue this article together wrong? And still, their ages range from 24-28, how does this year constitute a final exam?!? I mean, other then Mikey, they all have the next 6+ years together to rock the red!


Are they leaders, or are they just really talented followers?

Are they hockey players, or are they just really talented astronauts?
Are they pimps, or are they just always hanging out with whorish women?
Are they drug dealers, or are they just users constantly pictured hitting hookahs?

There isn’t much riding on it. Only everything.

Snark dog barks again! Oh my, only everything OV! Yeah, no cup and we don't pay the remaining 11 years on your contract son!

So to recap, our title projected a chance to find out: leaders or followers? Our third to last sentence re-iterates this point, by again asking us if we know. I'm so confused, someone lead these goofballs! Maybe we can dig up Owen Nolan's grand-dad to make one last run!

The Ovechkin Tour

Yes, our fearless captain, the Russian engine that never stops, the whirling dervish number 8 the great, Alex the all-mighty Ovechkin goes forth in effort to survey this North American wasteland in hopes of drumming up support for what now? Ah, so here in full, a most exclusive coup (suck it steinbot) is a running log from this superstar's journeys through a most barren of voyages!

Travel Log: Monday, 11:30am

OV: AHHHHH YESSSSS!!!! Soooo, beautiful women, I am here OVECHKIN!! RAHHHHHHHH

(downs two fifths of potato vodka)

OV: Much better, feel almost human no? So, lovely lady, I am on new tour of U S and A, I am ready to party my ball sack off yes?!?

Babes: Ohhhh Ovieeeeeee!!!

OV: Ahahaha Yes! Russian rocket in pant yes?!?

Babes: Come give us the big one Ovie!!!

OV: Hang on woman, must hit hookah...

OV: Yesss, much better now! I get best dank from good bud Nicky Backstrom! Most righteous from Sveden you see! Ahh the swede, so sweet, so blond and cuddly.

(A knock on the door)

OV: (yells through the peephole) Who is there?

BB: OVIEE!!! Its your coach, Brouce Boudreau!!! Remember me?!? I'm the guy who you know, made you captain even though you can't speak english and never show for practice?

OV: Ah yes, my favorite wizard! Come in Bruce!

(BB rolls into the lavish hotel room stuffing waffles in his face)

BB: Oh Alex (burps) you should see the spread downstairs! A full service waffle station! They even had whipped cream!!

OV: Yes, Ovechkin see buffet, already have six hams this morning.

BB: Great, listen Captain, its time we get going, we have to fly to Dallas today!

OV: Why? I am here, fine hotel room, beautiful babe and Nicky cush, what would I ever need in Dallas??

BB: Its a tour!

-------------

Travel Log: Monday evening, 9:45 pm

(a plane lands on Dallas runway)

(OV in first class)

OV: Yes, flying can be so very taxing...

(BB glares from coach section stuffed in a middle seat)

OV: Okay babes, I think it time for Ovechkin to depart. I have fun trip yes? We make lot of little Ovechkins no? I hope someday to return this land and purchase your father yes?!

(everyone leaves the plane)

BB: COME ON ALEX!

(he eats 22 McDoubles and rushes Ovechkin out the airport door)

OV: What's the hurry Brucie pie?

BB: We can't miss this signing!

OV: This not problem coach, I rent car, see?

BB: OV! What have you done boy?!?

OV: It ok. (downs a kilo of Everclear, drives car off the lot at 145 mph leaving BB behind)

BB: Dammit OVECHKIN!!!

--------------

Travel Log: Tuesday afternoon, 3:15 pm

(another luxurious hotel room)

OV: This trip is become too difficult, mind seem to swim now. Must eat everything here!

(two women feed and blow him simultaneously)

OV: Now where is that stupid coach?!?

(A phone rings)

OV: Helloooooooo?!?! It is I, the mighty Ovechkin! Who dare disturb the silent repent of my lair?!

MG52: Yo Ovechkin! Mike Green here, NHL defensemen, what's up my bro-seph?!?

OV: Ahhhh Mikey! The Mike dog! Pass the Mike stand!

MG52: What up my captain?

OV: Nothing is up my comrade, just on U S and A tour with the big man!

MG52: Damn they got you out on the road? That is some bullshit am I right bro??!?

OV: Yes always right my good bud, how is that new woman you meet?

MG52: Not bad man, just found out last night she's actually a tranny, but its all good, you know what I say, waste not want not!

OV: Haha oh yes!

(downs entire vat of russian whiskey)

MG52: Yeah man, just callin' to check in. Heading up to the OP later today, gettin' that damn 50 inch mole removed FINALLY. I mean, come on doc, I've had these symptoms for like three weeks now!

OV: Yes, Ovechkin know this, keep little Mikey in prayer no?

MG52: Much appreciated bro, also gettin' an MRI done, think my skull has a leak, probably when that 12 foot tapeworm crawled into my ear that night we bagged those four locals on St. Tomas....

OV: Ah yes, what a night!

MG52: Aight my man, I gotta bounce you be safe out there!

OV: Yes, always, peace bro.

(they hang up)

-------------------

Travel Log: Wednesday night, 7:50 pm Someplace cold in Canada

OV: Ohhh yeah baby! Such great party here in north! Gotta keep my ear warm though!

Babes: Ohhh Ovie!!!!

OV: Yeah yeah yeah! You know I am pussy magnet!

(fingerbangs two chicks)

OV: I am rock star!

(coach is standing by the buffet spread)

BB: Dammit Ovechkin! We have very important people to meet on this tour!

(enhales 28 pounds of barbeque spareribs)

OV: It ok coach! Have more dinner, you look famish!

BB: Good point.

(swallows a pig whole and then bursts)

OV: Oh no! Now coach has died! Ovechkin very sad!

Babes: OH OVIE COME BACK TO BED!

OV: Well if I have to, I am sure coach would have wanted me to have most fun before season start anyway! That it, no more tour, I must return home with 45 beautiful babe for great feast!

(hits the hookah and trips over boudreau's decomposing body)

OV: SOMEONE CLEAN THIS SHIT UP!

(the end, or not?)

Let the Frenzy Begin!

Ahhh yessss! Here we are folks! Yep, Canada day! Oh wait, sorry just watchin' the TSN feed (cough) I mean working! Hardy har har, so in between segments on Winnipeg, Vancouver, Toronto and Montreal updates, I will be posting like a crazy lucky cap fan I portend to be! Yes folks, here we go! First article, our sweet lovely columnist checks in yet again. Oh Katie, where art though??

Link

Washington Capitals owner Ted Leonsis went on his blog this week to talk about the team’s efforts to retool its lineup this offseason.

Well well, back to the blog huh? While running multiple sports franchises, a tri-galaxy drug kingpin, maintain the slave fields in the distant moon of Joirjegon, this man still manages to post often for us fans! Just amazing, the way the Hutts just keep those slimey noses to the grindstone!


“We want to keep some players. We want to sign some players,” Leonsis wrote, then added that fans should “not be surprised if you see some trades.”

Doesn't anyone want JaVale McGee?!?

“We want to change and improve,” he said.

And to remain consistent, and to give two year extensions to every broken down old fuck in uniform!

With free agency opening at noon Friday, General Manager George McPhee said he doesn’t expect Washington to act rashly

He uttered after pausing mid phrase for three hours!

and team officials have given no sign one way or the other about their plans.

Trust me, if any team official, WHATSOEVER, leaked any information to a most evil media, they would be hastened into the underground cave for a most grave of conclusion!


there has been plenty of talk about a potential shake-up that could include some of the “young guns” who have been mainstays in the Capitals’ lineup in recent seasons.

Don't disturb the young guns!

Before Brooks Laich signed a six-year contract extension worth $27 million Tuesday

Or... before our dumbass GM gave this douchebag a cap crippling contract to a guy who barely topped 15 fucking goals all last year getting top six minutes and pp time, yes lets sign him right to the moment his groin goes.

the veteran and dressing room leader said he sat down with management to discuss concerns he had about the team’s future and chemistry.

 Oh shut up you stupid kiss ass, go change another tire you fucking boyscout.


"I think, this year, there’s got to be a lot more accountability among our players to each other, to the coaches,” Laich said.

Hello glass house, meet stone.

“It’s up to every single player — doesn’t matter how much you make, how long you’ve been here or what your name is — to practice as hard as they can, to practice as a team, to work as a team.”

So, in other words, OVECHKIN YOU SUCK ASS!

“I think it’s a pretty thin group,” McPhee said of this year’s free agents. “Somebody’s going to spend too much money on free agents, and I’m glad it’s not going to be us. We’re in pretty good shape at this point.”

GREAT SHAPE EVERYONE! Yup, you heard it here first, we are in good shape, I had no idea! So, the hutt says 'we want to change and improve' and his gm lackey says 'were in pretty good shape' I am so fuckin' confused right now.

When asked about the possibility of Varlamov leaving, though, McPhee said Washington was committed to its young netminders. “It’s either the three we have, or the two we have.”

'Or the six we have, or the thirteen we have, for you see any number you speak, I say we have it. Everything is perfect, I am a perfect GM, I will now pause for 20 minutes before continu...........ing this conversation. I have more knowledge in my left  pinky finger, ringed of course, then the entire media sprawl. We have every goalie in the planet, so do not ask me about goalies, or players, or hockey teams in general.'

“There isn’t a right or wrong answer to how to develop and support young goaltenders,” NHL Network analyst Kevin Weekes said.

He later added, 'sheeeeeeeeeitttttttt, that ovechtickins dudee is the beeesttttt. daaaaaaaamnnnnn nigggaaaaaa that GMGM dude is one crazzzzyyyyyy mofo!

“The Capitals have seemed to face the question of will they bring in a veteran for a few years now — but they haven’t yet and are in a position most teams in the league envy.”

Yes, the entire league just weeps in our presence!

Capitals note: Washington bought out defenseman Tyler Sloan on Thursday, a move that will result in a salary cap hit of $233,333 each of the next two seasons. 

GAHHHHHHH!!! NOOOOOO@!!!! How can that be just a mere footnote at the end of a long ass article?!?! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!!!!! Oh Tyler, where for art though my sweet prince!!! First Flash, now TFS, I might as well close the blog. That's it everyone, pack it up, board the windows, kill the pig. This is our darkest day folks, please, I just can't take it anymore. Maybe I can be a ligtehining fan....

Party Time Excellent!

(somewhere in suburban DC, home of nhl pro Brooks Laich)

Crowd: (Mostly losers and dweebs) YAY!!!!!!

BL21: Wow! Okay guys thanks for coming! Oh My Gosh! Can you believe it! Well well well, here we are, huh? Friends, family, loved ones! Beautiful babes! Coach! Oh my coach, that sweet wizard, that wonder of girth, giant of gab, that great strategic mind that convinced me to stay! What can I say, but a most heartfelt thank you!

BB: Wow Brooks I never really expected that! I mean, come on, its enough you invited us over to your wonderful pool pavilion!

BL21: I know coach, I rented the veranda for 250 per hour!

BB: What a deal my boy!

BL21: I learn from the best!

(a doorbell rings)

BL21: Oh my another guest! I shall go and answer the door to my gigantic unearned mansion!

(walks through crappy duplex and opens creaky door)

OV: Sup brook laich!

BL21: OV@!!!!! Oh MY GOD! Hot tub bro, you are gettin wet pronto!

OV: Ha ha! You funny white boy, no me and woman here go for dinner, we come back later, 2 am ish?

BL21: Naw man come on back! Even coach came! Come on man, we're celebratin my contract man! There's even fireworks!

OV: Listen, brook, ovechkin give support yes? I come by, shab apartment life, but you know, that is good right? See, ovechkin need fuel, and pussy see? I take this blond behind back, cause a ruckus no? Instead, we go back to ovechkin place yeah? Mum, come visit from homeland, bring potato!

BL21: Come on Alex, I'm beggin you, couldn't you atleast hang for like 10 minutes? Please????

OV: Fine, we make out by bush for five.

(They return to party)

(Another knock on door, 21 answers promptly)

MG52: Yo Brooksies! Mike green, nhl defensemen here, Heard you were throwin a rave bro! Ha ha, man some contract dude, sweet terms! I saw the message boards were buzzin man! All bitchin' about no hometown discount and shit, You know what I say bro, fuck em! Ha ha! That hutt bitch and his buttboy makafi ain't nuthin!

BL21: OH MY GOD MIKEY YOU HAVE TO STAY!

MG52: Shit man, whatcha up to?

BL21: Well, shit, we got fireworks! Coach is here too, great guy man, I really think he was robbed this year on the jackadams....

MG52: What are you, fuckin retarded?!?

BL21: Well, I just mean, you know his wizardry....

MG52: Man, fuck that noise, I gotta bounce, just wanted to stop by on my way to the D. R.ssss...

BL21: What?!? Oh no Mikey!

MG52: Just routine shit, that damn fungus sprung up again on my tizaint, you know, I was going down on that girl we met at starbucks, fuckin hep flared up on the lip, not sure what the hell happened there, starting gettin these damn nose bleeds, like all the fuckin time man, I was like yo doc, you gotta get me some shit here man, not to mention the fucking strep I had for like 4 weeks man, woke up the other day this giant fuckin' tick just chillin in my urethra, i swear i was pukin blood for weeks.

BL21: Shit, cool man, thanks for stoppin by!

MG52: Peace bro.

(He leaves, 21 walks back to the party, BB is by the grill)

BB: Hey Brooksies! Are you gonna smoke these suasages or do I have to DO EVERTHING!

(backstrom giggles, ovechkin and his girl do anal)

BL21: My, what a grand party!

(BB dons a wizard hat)

BB: Oh yes son! This is what happens when you focus!

(Eric fehr sits in a cage outside the veranda)

BB: See poor fehrsies over there! I mean, the nerve, to take a TWO MINUTE penalty in a playoff game! Well I've never!

BL21: Yes coach, that is not the leadership we require!

BB: Oh no! We must be diligent!

(Another ring of the doorbell)

BL21: Gosh! Quite the crowd huh wiz?!

(He goes to answer the door)

(a hutt sand crusier pulls up)

A voice: AHERHEA!!!! Ayouwers aswerws sth eerqwe two! Brooksiesssedhsdfsthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I commadnwerdsdrfsder theee!!!!!

(GMGM slithers from the upper balcony)

GMGM: Ahhh yes! (pauses for 18 minutes) Quite the shin-dig! I mean, for all of the planet and galaxy to attend! Oh what is that, boy, Brooksies, you forget our invitations?!? (Pauses and glares at 21 for two hours) Yessss, I see, so what now boy?!? We have stormed your precious lair!

BL21: (stammering) Wow, oh my gosh, listen George, crap may I call you George? I mean, sir, I just want to say again, thank you from the most bottomist part my heart, I swear!

(A shadow, deep in a most treacherous of darkness, passes dramatically over the door frame)

LeonsisTheHutt: SOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, Broookkksssieessssssssssssss, youthinkyouhaveoutsmartedtdddddddd a huttttttttt/?!?!?!? Wellll, see here my laddddddddddddddddd, atertshtasehrselrasd laeraeiadlnflksdrw wlherlhsl  werlakj haweroujo adfjalwe asdfa ssucks!!!!!!

BL21: Uhhh....

BB: Oh my god what a party! Turn up the jams!

LeonsisTheHutt: Isssssss thattt bruccieeeeeeeeee??!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

(The end, I hope)

The Greatest Coach's Clinic in the World!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, lofty readers of this great blog, I now present to you in its fullest, either a great clinic, or the SINGLE MOST important moment in the history of clinics:

Yes our fearless leader, the greatness of girth, gabby the wide, brucie pie has decided to strut his stuff for the poor saps who showed at some crazy boneheaded gathering called the 'Roger Neilson's Coaches Clinic' which I am about 99% sure is completely made up in the giant head of the buffoon in the picture above. Roger Nielson definitely sounds made up... and if Roger knew they got some mouthbreathing donut-craving lunatic as keynote speaker, well, ole' roger didn't know what he was signing up for! Oh wait, there's an article!

Yay

Ah the Windsor Star! Now there is some esteemed publication! To think, they would stoop so low, in this time of most extreme worldwide conflicts and events, they would actually work out the time and resources to cover such an event!

As Jim Ralph, emcee for this year's Roger Neilson's Coaches Clinic at the University of Windsor, introduced Friday's first speaker, Washington Capitals coach Bruce Boudreau, he couldn't help but get in a playful dig.

Jim Ralph! Ha ha! A playful dig huh, please Jim, not another insensitive fat joke, I mean really haven't we taken things too far at this point?!

Boudreau's topic of discussion was defensive system overhaul: a different approach.

"Tomorrow, he'll be speaking on a different subject," Ralph suggested. "When to go back to the original plan.
 
"I'm guessing it would be after Game 2."

Oh Jim! What a delightful yarn! My the comedy, the insane ribbing that must go on during the great coach's clinic! This must of been exactly what it felt like in that first SNL writer's meeting back in the Seventies...


As much as Boudreau, whose first NHL coach was Neilson, is enjoying his weekend in Windsor sharing wisdom with fellow coaches, there's a place he'd much rather be right now.

Yup, Golden Corral is having a huge deal tonight on the buffet! All you can eat shrimp!

Amidst the Stanley Cup final, where so many pundits put his club at the start of the National Hockey League season.

What, huh? Who?! Show me the pundit who put this perpetually choking joke of a franchise in the final? If they did their either Mike Wise or batshit insane, okay so that's redundant I know... (This joke brought to you by the genius of the Roger Nielson Comedy coaches clinic!)

The Capitals, though, are just the latest team to learn Lord Stanley's punishing lesson.

There's no winning your way to a title, or in the case of our owner, no eating our way to one either!

His trophy is hard to win, and the road toward it is fraught with misfortune and heartache.

Indeed, the gorlacks and celestial space gangs make trekking this terrible desert land most grave!

"We were talking about it this morning over breakfast," admitted Boudreau.

"I demand a fucking waffle station you  piece of shit hotel!!!! Oh yeah, it sucked losing again huh?"

"No one's won back-to-back titles since Detroit (1996-97, 1997-98). Maybe we're just not ready yet, and our year will be next year."

Are you fucking mental you fat fuck?! Are you really comparing yourselves to the damn red wings now you classless douchenozzle?! There is more skill, expertise, knowledge and hockey ability in datsyuk and zetterbergs love goo (I heard they were an item) then in your fucking brain you asshat. Go talk to another clinic in Warsaw or Windsor or whatever the fuck town they hold these stupid gatherings in conference room 4 of the best western.

"It takes time to win."

He later added, 'much like it took myself over ten long grueling years of constant buffet trips, triple servings of ice cream and a good ole fashioned hankering for twinkees that set me over the edge! I had to work to be as wide as I am tall dammit!'

Since the time ran out on Washington's latest Stanley Cup journey much earlier than anticipated, serious questions have been posed about Boudreau's team.

Such as, Why do you always suck? Why do you have a captain who can't even show up for practice and is too busy hitting the hookah? Why is Mike Green on my hockey team? Where is the goal? What is a power play? Why does the sun shine? Boudreau, as usual, had no answers...

It's nothing that the Wings didn't hear during the many years they came up short of the goal, or that the San Jose Sharks continue to hear as they hold the dishonour as the best team in the West without a title.

Is this the gist of his speech at this COACHS CLINIC!?!? 'Hey guys, now I know we suck, but.... other teams suck too! Ha see, we're not soo bad! Remember, fellow minor league and highschool doucherapist coaches, you too can just suck ass and blame it on nothing and then mention other crappy teams to redeem yourself! Remember kids, only 1 team wins the cup each year!

"Somebody told me this year it took (Sharks captain) Joe Thornton 14 years to finally get what it's like in the playoffs," Boudreau said.

"He played a very good playoff, and everybody's complained about his playoffs in previous years.

"It's a different animal."

Thorton is a bum, I'm shocked GMGM hasn't offered up a 20 year contract yet... I love how here its 'a different animal' but according to GMGM its all just hockey, a good coach is a good coach blah blah..

In the search for answers, Boudreau doesn't think it takes a hockey Einstein to figure things out.

Well good fucking thing. Okay back to our clinic, 'Now guys, I'm Brucie, big time hockey coach, and what I think is, you don't have to be smart to find answers! See fellas, just be an idiot all the time! Shit will fall into your lap eventually!'

"When teams lose, you're looking for major reasons why you lost, but that's not always the case," he said.

Or in his experience, that's apparently NEVER THE CASE.


"Sometimes, the reasons are way more simple than they want to believe.

"Sometimes, it's a bad break. Sometimes, the other team just plays better."

Is this really his speech at a fucking coaching clinic? Welp guys, sometimes you suck and sometimes the other team is better! Get it? Genius here yes! Jack adams mother fucker!

As for their playoff letdown, he thinks that too often, critics look to what went wrong, when often the outcome is caused by what the opposition did right.

We get it fatboy, you did nothing wrong and the whole world just conspired against you! Poor blubber butt, we hurt his wittle feewlings!

For example, he pointed to the way the Stanley Cup final between Boston and Vancouver had played out like two different series through the first four games.

That doesn't show anything you stupid fat fuck you lost in a sweep, make some adjustments!?!??! GAHH IM getting even more pissed he's still our coach! GET YOUR SEASON TICKETS NOW!!


"For the last two games, I'm sure all the Vancouver fans were saying, 'Oh man, we're so bad,' but it's because Boston was playing so well," Boudreau said.

No, they were saying fuck we played just like the caps...

"You can have the systems in place, and the system's working when it's five on oh, but when the other team's in place, it's a little more difficult. That's what makes sports, sports."

Wow, talk about a lecture for the ages, I really hope this session was taped and transcribed for posterity. Fuck it, write this shit down in a fucking scroll and put that shit in a time capsule like fucking pronto, people in the future need this shit asap.

With stars such as Alexander Ovechkin, Alexander Semin, Mike Green and Nicklas Backstrom in place, Boudreau thinks people would be foolish to write his team's epitaph as a contender just yet.

Why that would just be nonsense! It's not like the coach is tied in anyway to the legacy of his core group of players...

"Nobody in our core's over 26," he said.

Yes, but you see the window is closing you fat fuck.

"They're all competitors. They all want to win. We all want to win the Cup.

Phew, okay feel much better. Glad I went to this clinic!

They'll be ready to go come training camp. They all believe eventually that they're going to win."

As does he.

Brucie will be ready after a summer of extensive training, mostly doing donut runs between clinic appearences. You would not believe how remote the krispy kreme is near Windsor...

Playoff heartbreak hasn't caused his own belief to falter one iota within Boudreau's heart.

Its actually physically impossible for his belief to falter as there are no longer any iotas available now that his heart has grown to almost 4 times the normal size of a human! With a direct line of lard via IV pumping into his veins, the coach is a walking jelly donut!

What's This Day of Rest Nonsense?!

So, some cool slickster named Ryan something or other writes a TRENDING TOPIC folks! Not just any old regular topic, ohhhhh no way, not good enough for Yaho0!! No we need the trending topic, of course which direction the trend follows is really anyone's guess. So Ryan, our buddy old pal, takes a fearless stab at the most pitiful lambs of hockey squads, our very own lucky caps. So here now in full, hope this link works!

Linky Tinky

Trending Topics: What’s this ‘Fire Bruce Boudreau’ nonsense?

What's this bullshit?! What's this day of rest shit?! Jesus don't care! What is this nonsense huh pal?


So the Washington Capitals got bounced from the playoffs in just four games against a team they beat out for the division lead. And now there's talk — foolish, foolish talk — that, as a consequence, so too will Bruce Boudreau's tenure as the team's head coach end.

Well that's just crazy talk boy! I mean, the NOTION that the COACH has any impact WHATSOEVER on the outcome of what's it now...4 years of playoff failures?! I like how in the very first sentence he's already brushing aside the indelible nature of our exit. Wait, sorry that's fuckin' foolish. Go on..

This is, maybe, the dumbest thing I've heard someone say about hockey all damn year.

The dumbest? Really, all year? What about Boogard saying, hey I'll have another beer?

Theoretically and based on their regular-season records, the Capitals should have advanced past the second round before this year.  

JUST THEORIES FOLKS@! Nothing to see here, really! For you see, there is absolutely no reason, at all.


And if they had, we wouldn't be having this ridiculous conversation. But the playoffs are an inherently unfair and flawed system, one which benefits lucky clubs rather than good ones; though the two are not always mutually exclusive.

Uh, well, so here we have it folks, the actual crux of his argument. For you see, feeble peasants in the fields, the playoffs are simply flawed! Yes of course, I Ryan something or other from YAho()!! is here to tell you only LUCKY clubs win! well, you know, not mutually exclusive or some lame back out after making a shitty point...

But guess what: The Tampa Bay Lightning are one lucky-ass team. 


LensositheHutt later added to that point 'Yes, the lightening posses the most rarest and of the charts rated luck, and magic skills learned from the nebulaon galaxy phase two!'


They got every bounce in a four-game series to go their way.

Every single fucking one, trust me, big Ry guy here checked. Every damn game second, every bounce! TB was AVERAGING 5 lucky bounces PER MINUTE! Numbers never before recorded in the HISTORY OF THIS NEVER HAPPENED!

They got better-than-could-be-reasonably-expected-from-an-octogenarian goaltending. 

Whoa! Am I supposed to subtract all that shit?! Okay, let's see here... Gonna need my damn graphing calculator for that shit.... Octogenarian, is that like eight?


They got some mediocre performances from a couple of Capitals, who, one can reasonably suspect, were pretty banged up.

Mike Green later added, 'yeah I had to stuff cotton balls directly into my eardrums to stop the leaking of blood and puss, this really nasty green shit, I dunno man couldn't even hear Schultzy all game, then my fuckin' shin just starting fuckin' achin and shit?! I swear I was pissin' blood after warm-ups! But you know, we went bowlin' after and my arm felt fine, until later probably need Tommy John surgery this year, hope to back!'

They were, to put it succinctly, not exactly the better team in this series. 

And now I will argue to NOT CHANGE ANYTHING!

Remember, this is the same team that peed down its leg in the second half of the season when it started leading the division, while Washington rebounded from that lengthy losing streak around the Winter Classic and clobbered everyone in its path en route to the top seed in the East. No small feat. 

Am I losing it or did he just mention pee?!? Hold on...

this is the same team that peed down its leg

Wow! There it is again! Awesome! Huh huh, cool!

And the reason it was able to do that?

Bruce Boudreau. Pretty much solely.

Well, that's something, huh? So let's clear this up, just to put as simply as possible, you support the following points:
    Point 1: BB was the SOLE REASON the team came back to win the conference.
    Point 2: After yet ANOTHER collapse in the playoffs, he should NOT BE HELD accountable.
Yay!

We saw it, too, in the first round, when the Capitals disemboweled the New York Rangers just like everyone on the planet who doesn't own a Rangers jersey knew they would.

As their entrails seeped onto the ice sheet and whirling giant blur of slime and blubber whisked across the slick surface consuming the very bowels draped in torn blue jerseys! The owner shouted in glee as bloody guts streamed down his glistening bulbous sixteen chins! Oh what a moment!

But things go wrong in the second round, and suddenly a lot of Chicken Littles start pecking around the Caps dressing room asking asinine questions.

The chicken little's grew restless! At once the hutt leader swept them through the underground chamber to their demise at the gorlak while the dancing crowd and jazz fusion band jammed!

If this type of change is being considered, then I'm a little surprised.

Shocked even? Maybe, I dunno, startled? Taken aback? Flustered? Forced to pause and take stock on one's life? Gleamed? Ensued? Alarmed? Engulfed? Seat of said pant or chair? Unless standing?

To be fair, McPhee said he "expects" that Boudreau will be back. (Leading me to believe that the decision might come from a bit higher up the food chain; say, the owner's box). 

As opposed to who? The fucking clan council?! This is a fuckin' crime family asshole, who has resided over this corner of the Tatooine core for centuries now! There is only one hutt at the top of the food chain at all times!

And really, who could do a better job with the Capitals as currently constituted than Boudreau?

Durr! We need Gibbs! Yee-haw!!!

It's unfair to label a guy a choker or say he can't get it done in the postseason when everything but the final score of the games indicates he coaches the best and most efficient team on the ice in not only the regular season, but also all the series they've lost in the last few years.  

Most efficient, in a fucking best of seven series, where they proceeded to lose each of the first fucking four?! To a team they dominated all year? What else, other then the fucking SCORE indicates who coaches best?!? This isn't fuckin' t-ball son!

Again, the playoffs are ruled through the tyranny of small sample sizes. 

This tyranny! This most evil of lords! Presiding over us, his mere peasants! Worshiping his feet from the fields afar! And I'm sorry four years of playoffs at this point is not really that small a sample size.

Boudreau's teams essentially lost three one-goal games (the 4-2 scoreline in Game 1 came due to an empty netter) to a Bolts team that statistically should have failed.

Statistically! What those are, I can't exactly lay out here haha! I mean, that would be silly! I can just say they should have failed! See its all in the stats! What's that, the blog entry is due, shit okay here you go...

These weren't humiliating blowouts — unless you count Mike Green's(notes) doors on the Game 3 winner — but rather skin-of-their-teeth victories that could very easily have gone the other way.


Unless you count the most critical fuckin' game in a goddamn sweep! The only chance we had with SUPPOSED fresher legs and all that shit and we just ignore a giant gaff from a kid who probably shouldn't have even been playing.

 Hell, only one team wins the Stanley Cup every year. And that doesn't even make the coach who Got It Done a genius. 

No fuckin' shit you smug little country club douche nozzle, does that mean we have to go another thirty fuckin' years with incompetence at the helm and let the prime years of a hockey superstar go to waste because barbeque face needs ONE MORE chance?!? Do you really think this team would turn terrible with someone else at the helm? Are you kidding me?!

Fire Boudreau? Honestly?

Yes, seriously, why not. Name one team that would hire the guy? Honestly? Figuratively? Emotionally? Emphatically? Douchetastically? Cuntlickishly? Seriously?

To paraphrase the man himself, "That's really [expletive]in' dumb."

Just a top notch quote there to back up your keep the status quo campaign! Now I'm all fired up!