About the Bestest Boy in the Whole World!

Ohhh boyyy! Gee whitakers mister, what ya got there?! Is that a new fresh article in that their newspapuh?! I swear, I ain't ever seen an article like this pah! Its about the bestest boy in all the land, the wizard of the ice, the harry potter of my dreams! Ooooohhhh Sidney how do you do it?!?

The subtle secret to Sidney Crosby’s greatness


Hang on. I'm sorry here, I just can't do it. I have to break character, at least for one paragraph here. This has gone too far, too much beyond the pail, I can no longer function as an ironic internet commentator, I have to resume life as a human being and recoil at this entire affront. The Washington Post, a great beacon to my town, has gone too far. How dare you Barry Svrgulaeruarla!

Saturday afternoon, Sidney Crosby walked on skates from the practice ice into the cramped visiting locker room at Capital One Arena and placed his black CCM stick into a rack, jiggling it until it fit.

Oh my god I'm going to die.

He navigated a horde of notebooks and cameras in front of his locker, sat down and pulled on a black Pittsburgh Penguins cap.

Yep, that's it guys, I truly no longer wish to consume oxygen here, thanks guys, been nice knowing y'all.

At the end of a brief media scrum, a question — one he was perhaps more qualified to answer than anyone on the planet — made Crosby pause: Did he believe hockey instinct could be honed through repetition?

That's the question? Come on, that's definitely not the question.

“Mmm,” Crosby said. “Maybe.”

Holy fuck you guys such a subtle secret! He went mmm for a second! Whoa!

He mulled his answer, a clue to how one of the greatest hockey players ever views the game.

He mulled, he implied, he thought, he considered, he wondered, he listened, he meditated, he breathed, he pondered, he whistled. Such a hard clue you guys.

 Crosby is a metronomic exemplar of all-around skill.

Excelsior in the highest!

Like basketball’s LeBron James, he has established all-time-great bona fides as he remains at the crest of his performance.

Holy shit I wonder if he picks his nose?

“The last couple seasons, he’s been the best player,” Capitals defenseman Matt Niskanen said.

He said with a sad face.

“I truly believe he’s the best player in the world,” NBC analyst Jeremy Roenick said.

He said while eating the nineties. Just a quick aside here, how is it possible that I now hate roenick this much? Its unbelievable! For 3 years there from 94 to 97 he just dominated EA NHL on sega so much I figured he was a god, and now hes turned into this greaseball douchbag on my television set? The humanity, what next Bo jackson pulls a bill crosby?

“Still the best guy in the league,” former teammate Brooks Orpik said.

I'm reminded that both Nisky and Orpiky played with Sidney for years in pitt, nothing suspicious about that at all...

The quality that allows Crosby to remain atop the league, coaches and teammates say, is his unique work ethic

So unique you guys, wait for it, he will now take the next 30 paragraphs explaining how all he does is practice plays he messed up before, its such a novel approach, nobody has ever thought to do it before. he's a fucking wizard you guys is basically what we're saying..

an ability to specify subtle areas for improvement and work with meticulous precision until they match the other elite elements of his game. While his natural ability — powerful skating, pistol-quick hands, uncommon feel — made him a phenom, his creative, distinct capacity for work has enabled him to stay atop the NHL.

I just vomited all over my keyboard, I think this might have to end the session.

“He’s a generational talent,” Penguins Coach Mike Sullivan said.

He will unite the home land! He will bring peace to all the tribes! He will feed and cloth every last child on this green earth!

 “He does things that you can’t teach, and that’s part of what makes him what he is."

He can even tie his shoes like a big boy!

“He’s able to pick things he thinks he needs to get better at, and he’s very deliberate at practicing those things and working on those things all the time,” Adams said. “He’s methodical about doing that on a daily basis.”

Holy fuck you think this guy split the atom at this point. He practices, big fucking deal.

“He does practice weird stuff like that,” Niskanen said. “He’s naturally very intelligent."

Fuck off all of you, there are like 45 more paragraphs of this shit and its all the same inane bullshit crooning about some douchbag we've all watched all these years. Its like coming out with a new hot take about how Lebron is good in the playoffs! Oh Gee wiz no shit sherlock. What next, an article about how terrible Trump is turning out to be? Oh Man talk about having your finger on the pulse! And why the fuck would anyone in Washington want to read 850 paragraphs about the mighty cindy crosby and his super swell friends saying as many sugary things as they can dream about him. Fuck him, Fuck pittsburgh, fuck penguins, fuck guntzel, fuck that non-goal was a goal bullshit, fuck that stupid black and yellow colors, fuck their dumb dump town and fat ugly fans who all voted for that shithead now ruining the country and the world all at once.

So yeah, go caps, fuck crosby, I'm out.

But What of the Children?

I've got the fever folks, yep, the capitals playoff hockey fever!! Wooo rock that red yooo!

Just can't stay away so many great articles to parse, so many angles to this matchup of the ages! I am already sick to death of this shit to be honest with you, its only because of the ridiculous re-alignment that was done and the lack of proper reseed rules that the two best most consistent teams in the eastern conference have been forced to meet in the second round over and over, its not some nebulous cloud of fate that haunts my very soul. Right?

This darkness haunts us all, leaving us foaming at the mouth in terror unable to process the world around us. Entire generations both young and old look to us for guidance through this most miserable of time, the nhl second round playoff. Seven games of absolute hell tormenting our very beings, how shall we go on, what shall we tell the children?!?

How to talk to your kids about the playoffs in Washington

Uggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!

That is the fucking title of the fucking article and then I vomited for twelve straight minutes. I am so sorry dear blog reader but we must entire this most evil of hellscapes...

Sports, in theory, are so wonderful because of their suspense.

Wow. Opening gambit played, wonderful as shit y'all.

Feats unexpected and unimaginable are accomplished every single day. Postseason and championship rounds heighten the tension even more.

So heightened, just like the bulge on my cotton dockers.

Then there are the professional teams in Washington

Not sure I like where this is going...

which do not abide by the principle of thrilling suspense. Instead, they lure you in, what with their adorable regional pride and hopeful optimism, and then spit you out with postseason underachievement so consistent that it’s almost cliche.

The principle of thrilling suspense is the worst walkmen album yet.

Consider the following: A child born on this date in 2000 — now an 18-year-old — has never seen the Caps, Nats, Redskins or Wizards advance past the second round of the playoffs.

I have never been so pumped for a playoff series in my life?! Yess!!!! So many principles you guys.

“Certainly as a Browns fan, I can appreciate the day-in-and-day-out sense of disappointment, but it also teaches resiliency,” said Steve Graef, a sports psychologist at Ohio State University.

They asked some fuck at OSU a question for this regional article? And when do they get to the part about talking to our kids?

We asked him and Antonia Baum, a psychiatrist in private practice in Bethesda, how to talk to your kids about the stress (and inevitable disappointment) that comes with the postseason in D.C.

Oh right, the very next sentence. Love the parenthetical here, just slyly done quality post dig there.

“A child takes their cues from the adults that mentor them in their lives,”

No fucking shit, thanks professor! OSU huh, surprised its not Harvard with this insight!

“If [sports] becomes overly important to the role models in their live — if they get depressed, instead of seeing humor in it or moving on — that could be an issue.”

Parents its probably best to just load up the little tikes with as much ADD meds as you can before its too late!

“If you’re throwing things and putting holes in the wall because the Bills lose,” Graef said, “at some point, that’s not adult behavior.”

If you're doing those things because of the bills its probably because you're a fucking sociopath who shouldn't be allowed in public spaces let alone raising children..

If a child is sad or frustrated, keep your cool, and ask how she is feeling, Graef said.

Holy fucking shit.

Ask questions about the team’s play, Baum suggested, such as: “What would you do to fix the team?” or “What could they do better next time?”

Great lets raise an entire generation of george mcphees!!! yess!

That could spark great discussion fodder at a family meal, Baum said. That, in turn, promotes problem solving and provides a place for kids to talk about their emotions.

Anyone else get the sense that these 'doctors' have never met a child in their lives? I'm really gonna start drawing up plays with my 9 year old? She's going to tell me to shut up and find her tablet charger.

Finally, through any conversation about rooting disappointment, remind kids to keep things in perspective.

Yes child ignore the fact that you are being raised by lunatics who put holes in walls because a sports team did something in a stadium thousands of miles away that has absolutely no real consequence on your existence.

“If [parents] are teaching their kids the right values about sports, it really shouldn’t matter who wins or who loses,” Baum said. “But try telling that to a fan.”

Fuck off you stupid fake doctor from ohio.

Go caps!

Game Day!!!

Somewhere at Kettler iceplex...

Coach: OKAY MEN BRING IT IN!!!

(They bring it in)

Coach: Okay, men, welcome back to practice! I'm looking at you especially Osh, hope your two dislocated knee caps are doing ok?

Osh: Its fine coach.

Coach: Good! Okay, lets see here, time to get down to business. Backstrom is that marijuana I smell?!?!

Backy: Nahh coach, just air freshener! (he giggles)

Coach: Fine, now men, what we have in front of ourselves is a great opportunity! We finally have a shot at those pesky penguins, now who's with me?!

(crickets)

Ov: Uhhh coach, we always lose to penguin team, everybody know this.

Coach: DAMMITTT SON WE NEED TO BE KILLERS!!!

Backy: (while coughing a cloud of smoke) This guy sucks brah..

(A dark cloud descends on the practice)

(A door opens and Ted the hutt slithers out from the space cruiser)

Ted: ahhahshshshsss trottzzzkeey, my faithfulll servant!!!

Coach: Oh no you guys the boss is here?!?! Oh Ted how must I serve you my master?!

Ted: bringgg me the blood of crosby!

Coach: You hear that willy? Its go time!

Backy: This is some fucked up shit right here.

Ov: Yes, ov agree with swede brother.

Osh: How fucking long have you two been here?

Ov: Many year, many year.

Backy: I dunno brah, I've been stoned since 2010...

Ov: Yes, ovechkin too is very high.

Osh: Solid.

(coach returns after ted flys off in his cruiser)

Coach: OKAY GUYS I SAID BRING IT IN!

Everyone: We're already in.

Coach: Good, now listen, I've just had a visit from the bossman. He really wants a win out there tonight, lots of fans getting excited about rocking the red and stuff, so like seriously you guys, please? Just try to score a few goals, really its all I ask.

Ov: We score goal, but then awful defense give up goal.

Defense: That's bullshit!

Ov: See, defense suck coach. They let in goal all the time.

Coach: Enough! We don't need this in fighting! Now willy, can you calm everyone down?

Willy: Next guy that talks goes through me!

(crickets)

Coach: There, that's better thanks, willy, now go play in traffic like a good boy!

Willy: Thanks coach!

(he runs off)

Ov: What a moron.

Backy: (giggles)

Osh: This team is wack yo!

The end..... (or is it) (dun dun dun!)

Greetings

Well well well...... here we go! Yes! 2011 back in this peace! OMG you guys!!! Guess who?!?!

Yup, Shady's back, tell all the friends you have ever met. Do it now, just do it, come on do it now!

I am back to save the universe! So many exclamation marks! Okay, okay, guys lets take it in a notch, just reel it on back, you know a few commas, maybe a semi-colon; okay, that's better. I hope my editor doesn't mind!

&&@@A!!!

Sorry Just had to get that last one out. So here we go, seven damn years later, I'm still alive! First off, thanks for caring and thanks for writing me so much, so many fans out there just pouring their hearts out to the lucky caps fan and nothing but crickets, does anyone even read blogspot or whatever this site is anymore? Is this still geocities? Where am I?

Anyhooo, lets get back to the matter at hand. Our beloved Washington Capitals, my my my, after all these years soo much has changed, stanley cups overfloweth! Oh wait, that's the hawks and pens, nope, my lovely lucky plucky hockey organization is still winless in the cup department, still waiting for their chance to finally lift the hardware and have a most epic of boat parties.

Before we press forward into the insanity of 2018, we have to first look back at all the loved ones we have lost from the blog. Lets see here, of course our head coach, Gabby the wide has moved on to greener pastures, greener jerseys and even less greens in his diet. Good friend NHL defensemen Mike Green has played a few quality seasons in between herpes flair-ups for the detroit red wings, good on you young son, here's hoping that gout doesn't return. Stable punching bag karl alzner went to Montreal and I guess disappeared? I dunno, what happened there?

Oh well, will still have some great talents and some new cush bros for backy to hang with so all is well! First order of business then, the mighty pens! Woooo scareyyy! Whatever shall we do?!? Shiver me timbers!!!! Time for a linky!

Alltheyoungdudes

Yep, back to the post, back to where it all began! Oh Katie, how I've missed you! What's that, she left 4 years ago?! Oh brother, who is writing this drivel now?

By Isabelle Khurshudyan
Hmm... I'll allow it, continue my fair lass!

Alex Ovechkin was smiling, not shuddering, at the subject of the Washington Capitals’ second-round opponent. “I can’t wait,”

He can't wait to start the fingerbanging!!! Oh Yeah I'm back baby!!!

Ovechkin said immediately after his team advanced to the Eastern Conference semifinals against the Pittsburgh Penguins.

He can’t wait to play the defending Stanley Cup champions? The team that has ended his season three times over the course of his career?

The team that has completely ruined every spring for the my entire child and adult hood? The team that sucks the donkey tit? The team with the greatest bestest boy named sidney ever to live? The team that takes your ice cream? The team that drowns small puppies in abandoned bath tubs?

Okay, got a little dark there.

“There’s not a person in this locker room or on our coaching staff that doesn’t want to play the Penguins,” Capitals Coach Barry Trotz said. “That’s probably fitting. We’re actually quite excited about it.”

He said this while eating a family of penguins with a sad face.

Because of a playoff format that pits division opponents against each other through the first two rounds

Something that has just been working out swimmingly!

this will be the third straight second-round meeting between Washington and Pittsburgh.

Thanks Issy, is this a 4th grade book report?

The Penguins have historically owned the matchup, 9-1 all time against the Capitals in postseason series.

Historical ownage!!! 

The last time the Capitals beat the Penguins in a playoff series was 1994, before a handful of players on both teams were even born.

Ah yes, 1994, great year for me I remember it well, took Diana M. to the dance that year, sophomore just killin it, wreckin it watching bonsai and joey juneau lovin life, so young, so carefree. My whole life ahead of me....

But the Capitals aren’t worried about running into the same wall again, never advancing past the second round with Ovechkin in part because Sidney Crosby and the Penguins have barred their way.

WHY THE FUCK AREN'T THEY WORRRIED????

“One day, it has to happen,” Ovechkin said. “If we want to get success, we have to beat Pittsburgh and move forward.”

Just has to, one day, you'll see coach, we're gonna do it guys! Cmon! Funny thing here though, see, it doesn't actually have to happen.

“As a competitor, as a gamer, it’s the type of matchup you want,” forward Tom Wilson said.

He said this while serving a double minor penalty at his son's junior game.

“You lose last year, and if you had said we could fast-forward to this year and be in the same position and have a chance to go at them again, we’d have said, ‘Yeah let’s do it. Let’s start right now,’ because you have that bitter feeling. Every year, you’re going to say Caps-Pens, it’s typical and yeah we’re familiar, we’ve played each other a bunch. And they’ve got the best of us both times, so hopefully we’re going to turn that around.”

I'm not trying to be a dick here but I think ole willy has taken a few too many zoniks to the head, I mean what kind of sentence structure is that? Fast forward to what now?

“Somebody’s gonna beat them eventually, so let’s get excited about our opportunity,” defenseman Matt Niskanen said. “Maybe we’re the team to do it.”

I'm getting really excited here guys, Maybe he said! Whoooo, yeah boy!

“We feel great going into the top of this series. We’re not worried about what happened in previous years. It’s a new year, new teams on both sides.”

That makes exactly one of you then because the rest of us are worried sick, have you not been paying attention to this team for the last oh I dunno, thirty fucking years?!

Roman Stubbs and Adam Kilgore contributed to this story.

This book report and quote listing required two additional writers?!? Hey Post guess what I wrote this whole thing by myself on my lunch break!!

Alright guys, well its great to be back, can't make any promises but hopefully it won't be another seven years before I post again. I'm sure we'll have some great takes to digest as our lucky caps embark on yet another seven game voyage against some pesky lame birds who can't even fly, can't wait!!