Back to the Future of Today!

Well, well, well... Here we are back again! Shady's back! Tell a friend! Yep, I know I know, you're all asking yourselves, just where has that crazy lucky caps fan been all this time? Team opens the season with a record string of victories! Nothing but crickets chirping on this blog huh? No silly cynical soliloquies about our portly coach and his merry band of players now huh? Nope, nothing funny out of so much glee! Yet alas, our Mister Glass himself, that of the greener variety, has reared his ugly breakable head again and the tailspin has commenced!

So what else is anew in the caps world? Thanks to the glorious writing of some suspect terrorist who has seemed to worm his way into my sweet butterfly's blog, now with his shady Penn State-esque glare lurking next to my sweet homely beat correspondent's picture, I am perverse to find strange things afoot! The team is now splintering and we require a most wise sage to rise from the desert sands of the nba lockout and spring forth another column of gibberish! Take it away el-Abavababid!

Link

On Hockey: Bruce Boudreau and Alex Ovechkin need to get on the same page

Indeed! For you see, only from the same square surface area of a book like article can championships be won! For the record these two certainly don't seem on the same page, not even the same book, hell not even the same form of media. Ov is like a foreign playboy magazine with naked women, expensive cigars, and crazy letters written in some ancient form of Sanskrit while BB more resembles a old worn-out copy of a child's Highlights magazine with all the puzzles colored in, pages ripped out from the middle and giant smears of barbeque sauce all over the rest.


Coach Bruce Boudreau must reconnect with the Washington Capitals’ locker room, beginning with Monday’s game against the Phoenix Coyotes.

Kinda tough to do when you're hands are still sticky from the jelly donuts.

That process starts with getting on the same page as Alex Ovechkin. 

Yes we get it Tarik, they aren't even close.

Too often this season, it has appeared the coach and the captain have been pulling in opposite directions. 

This can easily be remedied, they simply must install a Euro trash strip club and pole in the local Dunkin' Donuts...

No player has as much sway on the ice and bench as Ovechkin.

Yes most pimps have considerable sway...

When he’s on his game, the other Capitals follow his lead.  

ZOMG you mean when we score more goals the team wins?!? Get out of town! Seriously, aren't you on several known hitlists at this point?

When he’s utterly uninspired, the team suffers inexplicable setbacks such as the one it did Saturday, a 7-1 defeat against Toronto; 

Yep, simple, every game lost by 6 goals is clearly an indictment of one player. Didn't you hear, when the red wings lost to us by the same score earlier this year they boxed Lidstrom right up, taped it shut and sent his ass off back to Sweden where he belongs! CANT WIN A CUP WITH A EURO CAPTAIN!!!

the Maple Leafs fielded a squad with a third-string goalie in net and seven regulars out of the lineup. 

We get it Tarik, it was a bad loss. Don't forget to mention we were missing the greatest defensemen in the planet...

After opening the season with seven straight victories, the Capitals have gone 3-7-1. 

Is that right? Damn, its been a while huh? 


Ovechkin, meantime, hasn’t registered a point in the last four contests — all losses — which ties the worst scoring drought of his career.

Trade this locker-room cancer now before its not too late!

NHL coaches don’t get canned for losing games. 

Nahh, no coach has ever been canned for something as elementary as a game!

They get fired for losing touch with their team and repeatedly getting stonewalled by the team captain. 

If I didn't know better I would think my local columnist just tried to imply the coach is about to get canned because of a certain stubborn Russian sniper? Nahh must be way off here.

Signs of the disconnect between the two have been impossible to ignore:

Oh guess that's exactly what he's going for here. Also here starts the bullet-point section of our column, apparently he prefers to write in memo-format...

Boudreau moved Ovechkin to the wall on the power play. Ovechkin has said he feels more comfortable on the point. 

Startling discovery! Bang zooms! Funny the guy making roughly 1/9th what the other guy makes is the one giving the orders!


Boudreau and his coaching staff have implored Ovechkin to change his strategy on the attack for more than a year.

Hmm... lets see here a couple years ago the guy was potting 60-65 goals a year, so LETS CHANGE HIS ATTACK STRATEGY NOW!!!

Go wide instead of cutting to the middle, they’ve told him. 

Listen, here, fellow who SEEMS to have won multiple Ross and Richards awards, you NEED TO listen to this fat man who may or may not have scored a couple goals back in the seventies!

Use teammates instead of squeezing off low-percentage shots. 

DO ANYTHING POSSIBLE to avoid scoring goals, got it??

Their words, though, have fallen on deaf ears. 

 What you say coach? Me no hear funny words from fat fuck!

Boudreau and his staff have begged Ovechkin to be more responsible in the defensive end

Indeed the most critical aspect for him to focus on is DEFENSE.

yet he still routinely floats in Washington’s zone and leaves it prematurely. 

What you call floating, its simply mistaken as 'preparing to score' duh...

Through the season’s first 18 games, he has a team-worst plus-minus rating of minus-6. 

Arbitrary team stat! Also -6 isn't really all that bad in the grand scheme of things...

Boudreau wants to distribute playing time more equitably. 

Yes for you see, simple mind, in order to score more goals and WIN HOCKEY GAMES you need to have guys who can't score on the ice more!

Although Ovechkin hasn’t complained publicly, 

Mostly because I think he has a english vocabulary in the 8-12 words range..

it’s hard to believe he’s fine with skating 18 minutes 46 seconds per game 

Why not? More time for bong hits and poon-tang!

which is more than four minutes fewer than he averaged during his 65-goal season in 2007-08. 

Yes and god forbid we go back to those dark days!

Boudreau has ushered in a new era of accountability in which stars receive the same treatment as grinders. 

A system that always goes over so well amongst the much higher-paid 'stars'...

Anyone who watched Ovechkin’s reaction to being benched in the final moments of regulation against Anaheim on Nov. 1 (and can read lips) knows what the Capitals’ star player thinks about accountability when it’s applied to him. 

EVERYONE HE CALLED HIM A FAT FUCK!!!!

In the eight games since that 5-4 overtime win against the Ducks, Ovechkin’s season-long slump has deepened.  

Yes, so deep staring into the abyss! Wondering when we shall ever rise again! Perhaps it is time to retire, hang up the boots, put away the sticks and return the mother land!

Sure, he’s had his moments. The numbers, however — two goals and two assists — don’t lie.

And neither does your innate smugness.

Ovechkin’s struggles appeared to reach a low point Saturday at Air Canada Centre. 

Ya think? Way to go out on that limb..

Then, on the power play late in the second period, the puck was on his stick and he was a dozen feet from the net. But instead of firing on goaltender Jonas Gustavsson and his unremarkable .878 save percentage, Ovechkin dished the puck to the point instead. 

Didn't you just praise the coaching staff for changing his game to look to the pass more? Or am I reading all this gibberish wrong?

Ovechkin’s disinterest, it seemed, trickled down to everyone else on the roster.  

Trickled? I was say it poured, gushed, avalanched, swamped, stormed, pounded violently from the rafters..

When Ovechkin was asked whether he was disappointed in his performance this season, he sounded reluctant to accept responsibility for a slow start that’s threatening to turn into another subpar season, saying, “Sometimes you just shoot the puck at empty net and it misses net.” 

Wow, with that kind of intellect leading the charge how can we go wrong? He reiterated with a second analogy, 'sometimes you just shoot a load into an empty vag and it misses the vag!

Asked about his team’s struggles Sunday afternoon, Boudreau compared the handling of multimillionaire professional hockey players to raising children.

I dunno Brucie, I mean even though sometimes the guy does act kinda wacky and silly, is it really best to undermine your team and reduce them to your thirteen year old son? That MIGHT NOT be the best route to take... You can't just ground a guy making 9 mil a year...

“It’s like parenting,” he said.

Its really not, really not even close and I am growing more pissed off that you would try to spew that bullshit at us now.

“You want to get your child to do something right, you scold ’em, you cajole ’em, you take away things, you give things."

Actually you really should try to stay consistent with your children so they respect your decisions and reasoning wait fuck you fatboy this is fucking Alex Ovechkin we're talking about here not Brady fucking Boudreau.

" I’ve always believed that it’s the coach’s job to find the Achilles’ heel that makes them work.”

I present this as exhibit 59 as to why this man should not be running my hockey club anymore. Does he even know what an Achilles heel means?


Asked if Ovechkin’s “button” has been harder to find than it is with other players, Boudreau passed on the question, flashing a sarcastic smile.

Oh BB! You clever plump bastard! Why don't you stop worrying so damn much about everyone's buttons and start I dunno, DRAWING UP SOME GODDAMN PLAYS so we can get back to scoring fucking goals and winning fucking hockey games.

“Go ahead,” he said, turning his head toward another reporter.

Actually he was just quoting his favorite cashier at Burger King...

Perhaps Boudreau’s non-answer was stronger than any explanation he could make. 

Perhaps, or maybe its just some bullshit nonsense used to prop up this rather flimsy blogpost/memo/column crap-tacular.

But it also underscored the challenge he had before him, one that, in his words, is his job to meet.

Indeed, back to Baskin Robins post haste!

Bradley Pours the Burnsauce

Well, it has come to this. Everyone's favorite punching bag, Michael 'code name mister wonderful' Bradley has some parting shots for his former mates. What a shocking reprieve! I mean, amidst this slowest of off-season months, here comes a giant douche-bag out of the blue sweeping in with ridiculous accusations and actual honest name calling! And here I thought all hockey players had suddenly morphed into crosby-3p0 robots with regards to interviews, here comes a super numb-nut hypocrite to blast his old team on a shitty radio show! If only we had some NON-TERRORIST columnist reporter guy who kinda sorta covers the local hockey team, but don't tell his buddies down at the Y or Wilbon...

YayLink

On Hockey: Matt Bradley is spot on with critical comments about Capitals, Alexander Semin

That's the lead in case you're way too lazy to click the link (can't say I blame ya). So here we go, nice of tarikivadabab to take a stand this early on...

For the better part of three months, various members of the Washington Capitals have tiptoed around the issues afflicting the team. 

Indeed, their unflinching ability to dodge any and all inquires on the ever burgeoning waistline of their fearless leader is truly remarkable!


They’d mention leadership, commitment and discipline, but nothing specific enough to explain yet another postseason collapse.

It is possible, that gasp! they all collectively sucked dogshit in the playoffs to the point where they can no longer offer any sort of critique while still employed with said team.


On Wednesday, though, former Capital Matt Bradley stopped speaking in generalities and took the issues head on.

Well bully for you! What's the matter punchy, got ya panties in a wad brother?

Among them were the team’s lack of discipline, Alexander Semin’s lack of effort and a caste system that rewards underperforming stars. 

Underperforming! Ha-ha-ha! Eleven points, eleven, yes just one more then ten, but oh, let's see here, one less then twelve. Eleven fucking points.


“I mean, there’s reasons why,” said Bradley, who signed with the Florida Panthers in July as an unrestricted free agent.

Such as, your inability to contribute in a positive manner in the scoring column? Let's see, your stellar -3 shows a clear knack for the defensive side of the coin! I'm sure you played most of your minutes against Crosby right chief?

“We had some guys who didn’t show up in the playoffs, and I’ll leave them unnamed." 

9 games, 0 goals, 0 assists, -3. It's okay brah, you can just name yourself, no one will mind.

"I think our locker room was maybe a little bit too nonchalant, and guys weren’t disciplined the way they should have been."

Possibly a cheap shot but check the link, a video on the CAPITALS WEBSITE where the entire team names Sir Bradley the BIGGEST PRANKSTER IN THE FUCKING LOCKERROOM!>!>!!>!(!#(!

“Those two things,” he added, “are big things.”

Unless, you know, another two things, which may be not so big, but still things, and then those four things which are of varying size, but all mostly big. Well then you have four things, which are big things, I think.

If anyone knows, it’s Bradley. 

Indeed, I always go to the guy either playing 6 minutes a night, out with another bloodied melon, or sitting in the press box while Jay freakin' Beagle gets some playing time, to gather the pulse of the room!

He was here for the rebuild. 

So he got a ton of minutes when the team sucked ass, good point.

He was a vital part of the team that claimed the Presidents’ Trophy in the 2009-10 season.

Clearly, his ten goals represented 1/31.3 or a whopping 3 percent of the total for the team! So, so vital...

He was in the dressing room and the team meetings as each of the past two postseasons came to a grisly end. 

He was snappin' towels!

And the 33-year-old winger’s comments Tuesday were in line with what those on the outside have suspected for years. 

Who?!?! Who are these 'outsiders' commenting in line? Is it you, you terrorist son of a bitch?!?

“It wasn’t like guys were going out the night before a game." 

He added, 'yeah you know, Ovie and Backy are so stoned they can hardly get off the couch!'

" It was not being ready to practice or missing practice with questionable injuries. Not being focused.” 

Dude, you try staying focused when you are Russian superstar! Those blond twats don't twiddle themselves!!

Then, Bradley took aim at Semin. 


Okay, listen here sonny boy, this here is a goddamn family newspaper, and I'LL BE DAMNED if I'm going to stand here and watch you print this garbage about shooting loads and taking aim! Now that's enough! Did you just call in a bomb threat?

“I don’t mind saying Alexander Semin’s name,"

Because he doesn't speak english? Because it's really silly to say?

"because he’s one guy who has so much talent, he could easily be the best player in the league, and just for whatever reason, just doesn’t care,” Bradley said. 

Classic butter job, yeah I'm sure the guy who potted 58 points to your 11 really doesn't give a shit. Go fuck off Brads, everyone sucked last year quit throwing sasha under the bus because he didn't laugh at your idiot frat-boy pranks.

“You need him to be your best player, or one of your best players, and when he doesn’t show up, you almost get the sense that he wants to be back in Russia.” 

I almost get the sense that you're so fucking bitter that only the fucking Panthers would give you a contract to MAYBE get time on their checking line.

Semin scored four goals in Washington’s first six playoff games last spring, but mustered only an assist in Games 2-4 vs. the Lightning. 

See, Tarik here will most conveniently fail to mention any statistics with regards to his new found butt boy Bradley. Mustered only an assist, fuck off Tarikavaabbab..

His performance in Washington’s collapse was so lackluster, Russia did not extend an invitation for him to join Alex Ovechkin and the rest of the national team for the world championships. 

And you know this how...

Bradley also criticized the Capitals’ caste system in which star players skip practice, escape criticism and continue to receive ample ice time despite repeated on-ice transgressions.

Hey Punchy next time you want playing time why don't you try scoring more goals.

It never seemed right, but now we’ve a former team leader saying as much. 

Leader my balls, and what kind of paragraph is that tarikvalabadbd? I mean really, who is this proverbial 'It' that clearly has judged this organization so harshly?!

“But I think in the end, if you want to win, sometimes you have to sit some of those guys down and maybe send a message and try to get them going.” 

Yeah! Nothing gets a guy going like being benched! Explain more oh great one! Here's a tip, if you want to win you need to score goals! Unlike, you know that 0-0-0 you tossed up in 9 playoff games...

On the subject of Ovechkin, Bradley called his former captain “all in” — a reference to how hard he plays and his commitment on the ice. 

Trust me, that's not why they call him 'all-in'...

Bradley did, however, say Ovechkin “has some growing up to do as far as taking care of himself.” 

OMGBBQWTF Didn't you see that hookah photo?!?! I mean, the man's an athlete!

Bradley did not expound on the comment. But he didn’t need to. 

Actually, yeah he could have with I dunno, one fucking actual example! Or you know, just bask in the glow of gross exaggeration and embellishment behind a veil of general bullshit. Or, here's one, maybe show some fucking humility and at least call yourself out for you know, NOT SCORING A SINGLE FUCKING POINT THE ENTIRE PLAYOFFS.

Ovechkin himself hinted after the season that he planned to report to training camp in better shape.

Pretty sure I could find 5 links from 5 different off-seasons where he's said that exact thing so give it a rest.

As word of Bradley’s brutally honest assessment spread through a mostly empty Kettler Capitals Iceplex on a sunny August afternoon, the reaction of the handful of team members on hand was telling.

Indeed, it was quite striking that almost nobody was practicing in August! Clearly Brads has a great point right Trararkiarainarebebebeb??!?

It was a collective shrug. As in, “We know.” 

No that collective shrug was every poor sap reading this drivel right before they pull the noose one last time.

Then, about a week ago, Coach Bruce Boudreau acknowledged that the upcoming season will take on “a more serious” tone, beginning with training camp. 

Uh huh, he said this while partying it up at the local Chuck-e-cheese for little Brady's thirteen-and-a-half birthday party! Yeah boy, extra peperoni for the big man!

In recent days, players have acknowledged that they expect camp to be more demanding.  

I heard they have to skate a WHOLE HALF HOUR! My god, what a gruel!

That they anticipate fewer optional practices during the regular season, too.  

I picture OV reading that, exhaling a hit from the binger, then choking his ass off in a fit of laughter.

At least one said he wouldn’t be stunned to see a star player stapled to the bench for poor play. 

Well let's see here, Fehrsies is gone, so who can we bench... Wait a minute, is that Alzner? Of course, get in my office lad, let me tell you about how great double nickel has been...

There was no outrage Wednesday at the team’s Arlington practice facility because, deep down, what Bradley said was spot on. 

You see, the columnist knows this because he performed a long known Muslim ritual to peer deep into the souls of the entire organization! Or you know, the three poor saps actually practicing there that day...

The question is whether any current Capitals will demand such accountability in the locker room where it matters, instead of on the radio after they’ve left town. 

Yes that is the question, thanks mister terrorist. Go cover the Panthers with your fag-boy Bradley and leave the cup to us winners!

Back to School

When I think hockey camp, I think of one thing:



Yes indeed! Gabby the Wide! The greatness of Girth! Hockey's preemptive crowning Wizard o' Power Play! I know, when I'm looking for the real insight, the true intelligence, the ultimate method of professionalism and goal-scoring prowess, I turn to our fearless leader! He of the triple x-l alligator golf shirt! With matching wrinkled five day old khaki pant! If only there were some local beat correspondent with a cuteish smile and whimsical slant of the eyes, a homely girl-next-door type with nicely parted auburn highlights, a simple gal to lead us through the foliage...

Post


Coach Bruce Boudreau muses about Capitals’ line combinations for next season
By Tarik El-Bashir

Damn! Some terrorist (at least by name appearance and no I'm not racist) has taken over my lovely blogger's blog! The humanity!

As I mentioned on Twitter last week

Fuck you tarik, this article is not about you, or your goddamn loser twitter account that I'm sure has exactly 2 followers, your mom and dad (assuming dad lets her slip off the ole birka every now and then and log on to her laptop).

I spent this past weekend in St. Catharines, Ont., at Capitals Coach Bruce Boudreau's 29th annual Golden Horseshoe Hockey School.

My, what possible grand prize did you win?!?

In bad times, the camp supplemented his minor-league coaching salary.

Yes, those constant buffet trips can be costly...

The past few years, though, he's kept it going for his 13-year-old son, Brady, and because he and his wife, Crystal, enjoy doing it.

Damnit Brady! I told you to stay on the rug!!

Look for that story in the next week or so.

Oh god, I can't fucking wait. I mean, to think, all the great info you could of just uploaded here to the blog, but NOOOO, make us wait just like the fucking weathermen with their goddamn seven day forecast that is never right! And have you noticed, airplane peanuts?!?

In the meantime, I want to share a few interesting items from an interview with Boudreau that focused on the Caps.

Damn, I was really hoping the interview had covered more pressing items, such as Denny's latest 1.99 specials!

One of the more interesting items that came up was the style of play the team will implement this season.

So interesting, and never before brought up with relation to the Caps last season! I mean, really, they changed systems you say??? I've never heard of that! What's a system?

It's been well-documented that Boudreau was forced to switch from his trademark high-octane style to a defensive posture when the flood of goals all but dried up in December.

Yes well documented by you asshat columnists who really don't have anything original or important to say with regards to this fourth-rate sport you've grudgingly been assigned to cover?

But now he's contemplating another tweak.

And the mountains trembled! Avalanche of snow and ice barreled forth with unwavering speeds! The world shook at the might of tweak contemplation! Lookout everyone, be ready to have your mind melted!

“I'm hoping that we can be a hybrid,” Boudreau said.

(insert image of that old guy's head exploding)

“There's some parts we changed [last season] that I really loved."

He listed them:
    -Free all you-can-eat breakfast buffet on the road trips
    -Free pizza toppings for every goal scored
    -Complimentary bagels and burritos when you rock the red!
    -Ice Cream on Fridays!

"I'd like to get back to being more of a quick-break team.”

Yes, for you see, with a quicker team, you may, score more goals! Yes Yes! Stanley Cup is ours!!

Boudreau would not delve into the specifics of positioning and the responsibilities of individual players in the new system.

Very simple reason for that, he has no clue what those words mean for they do not appear anywhere on the Dennys late-night menu...

But he also made it clear that he doesn't want them to revert to the Caps of 2009-10, with forwards routinely gliding back, or camping out in the neutral zone while the puck is deep in Washington's end, or more important, feeling that defensive-zone coverage isn't in their job description.

You remember, way back in 2009, you know, when the Caps were the BEST FUCKING TEAM in the goddamn sport. Yeah, lets NEVER get back to that...

“I'd like to be a quick-break team but not [have forwards] taking off, waiting at the blue line,” he said.

Couldn't you just, I dunno, tell them not to? I mean, is that really that hard? You are the fucking coach for christssake...

The coaching staff tested the hybrid system in development camp

Indeed, nothing helps identify strengths and weaknesses of a potential NHL hockey team's system then seeing how a bunch of teenagers with no experience playing against imaginary opponents handle it...

“It seemed to work really good,” he said, before later adding, “I'm always trying to be more of an offensive coach. I love offense. You have to score to win.”

Wow, I think all these camps, clinics, and lectures are really paying off... Finally our coach has figured out, after all these years, you have to score to win! What next genius boy, a cure for cancer is surely in the works?!?

Something else I found interesting was Boudreau's take on line combinations and defensive pairings heading into next season.

He makes them up out of thin air?! His son Brady takes a dump and he arranges them out of the excrement?! His wife Crystal calls them out while washing the windows of his new Mercedes?!

For one, it didn't sound like Alex Ovechkin-Nicklas Backstrom-Mike Knuble is a lock to be the first line.

Really, after the two highest paid players, biggest superstars on the team had horrible years playing with old-man-river who couldn't keep up, they just might consider a change? GTFOBBQWTF

Or, for that matter, that Brooks Laich will be the second-line center.

Oh Brooksies!! Give it to me hard baby! Call me wizard boy!

Or, for that matter, that John Erskine will be sitting in the press box.

Yeah, he'd look great in a Hershey Bears uni...

“Our depth is tremendous,” he said. “I go over the lines, as you know, every day."

Unless of course its shrimp day on the golden corral, then ALL BETS ARE OFF!

“Who plays where?”
“There's a lot of options there,” he added, hardly taking a breath.

Silly columnist/blogger/terrorist, that's just how the man breathes, you see, he's kinda (shhhh) fat...

I know that was a mouthful, but stick with him.

I'm not making this up, and yes it indeed was a mouthful. A mouthful of cannoli...

Boudreau said Schultz will be in much better shape in next month's training camp next versus last season and, in his opinion, “is going to open up some eyes.”

Yep, bigbird is really shaping up this summer! He's worked out with Brady all month...

“Last year — this never got out — but he had an illness all summer long"

I'm sorry but being a seven foot tall pylon who couldn't body check a member of the Chinese ping pong team is not an illness, did not last all summer long, and has certainly gotten out at this point.

This summer, he's been in the gym working, running and he's getting leaner"

Any leaner and he literally wouldn't be able to stand. He's a fucking walking plank of wood...

"When I saw him at the end of July, he was in great shape.”

"And then I ate him," he added with a sad face.

Boudreau said he did not have an update on Poti's status.

Not much to update from the grave.... Oh sick burn!

That's all for now, folks. I'll see if I can mine a few more nuggets from my recorder for another post later this week.

Oh boy, someone went to the Peter King summer school of nuggets. Hey Tarik, please get out of my caps insider and let the natural beauty resume domination please? K thanks!

Screw the Cup, Where's My Quality of Life?!

When a Hutt speaks, the whole world must listen!

Leonsis: Teams add to community’s quality of life

You hear that community?!? Quit bitchin' about your goddamn sub par quality of life! We have a TEAM!!! It's all we need! I don't want to hear about employment rates, debt ceilings, social security or any other stupid depressing BS, no folks, all we need is a team in our life! So sayeth the Hutt!

Long before Ted Leonsis became a successful entrepreneur and majority owner of the Washington Wizards, Capitals, Mystics and the Verizon Center, he was the mayor of a small town in Florida.

Ahh yes, those dastardly Hutts, gaining political leverage to unleash a fury of gang violence! He had miles of Cubans stretched out in the orange fields of a small town in F-L-A pumping out wares 18-20 hours a day! Oh what a time, oh what a life!

More so than any of his other business accomplishments, Leonsis credits that experience with preparing him to become a sports team owner.

Indeed, nothing says 'winning the stanley cup' like managing the budget concerns of Big Joe's Monster Truck n' Tow from Clearwater Florida! I heard Brian Burke used to manage a Wal-Mart!

“I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the social ramifications of owning a sports team."

These space peasants won't drink themselves to death!

"The responsibility that comes with it is not unlike being an elected public official,”

So true, also not unlike mining for rare ores in the sand hills of Tattoine!

“There is a silent majority, and you worry about their needs,” he said.

The Gorlackian government is a most untrustworthy opponent of the Hutt clan! They most certainly have infiltrated our lair with a cunning set of spies!

"It’s your job to be able to filter what each side is saying, but never lose sight that it’s the masses that we have to be concerned with.”

Yes, as Hutt clansmen we must always be aware of the masses! For without the feeble weaklings, who would mine the depths, pick the orange groves, or commit mass murder sprees against our enemies?!

Known for being one of the most media-savvy and accessible owners in pro sports

A savvy only rivaled by his most insatiable appetite for moist rodent!

Leonsis communicates with fans every day through his blog and through email

And a quite slow gorgolak mail carrier!

and said he strives to answer every concern that comes to his attention.

Ted, I really would like those little tropical umbrellas in my mai tai next time I'm hanging out in the space lounge, any way you could make that happen? Also, got any digits for that retractable lipped lead-singer? She really pushes my buttons...

In addition to building championship teams, Leonsis believes that sports team ownership also is a public trust and should be viewed as a higher calling.

Oh get over yourself. You sold some fucking AOL stock and bought a goddamn hockey team, you're not the fucking pope you stupid fat Hutt.

He wants to see his teams bring the community together, in addition to winning championships.

Shut the fuck up, get over the goddamn community. You know what cheers everyone up douche? Winning a fucking cup, that's it. It just is. (please read that last sentence in a really high-pitched Simmons-esque voice, thanks)

“Washington is really an emblematic city, not only for our country, but for the world,” Leonsis said. “It’s a vibrant and growing city.”

Yes for you see, only in this city can change be brought! What's that, another government shut down, well I'll be...

Leonsis identified five factors that define a city:

"Whores, snacks, drugs, jazz-fusion, and slaves"

universities, public space, iconic real estate, media properties and sports teams.

Uh oh, wait, public space?!? Public space? Like the actual air? Yes, and water, land, and the other shit...

He talked about how sports intertwines all of them.

Yes sports is so very critical to my sense of public space!

“Sports is one of the three main drivers of reputation in an educational institution,” Leonsis said.

This is so fucking wrong and depressing on so many levels, I can't even comment on them.

“Selectivity is number one, how difficult is it to get into the school; research dollars is second, and usually a major athletic program is number three."

Wha, the what?!? What does this have to do with winning a cup?? And what does a PRO HOCKEY TEAM have anything at all to do with school? I think Ted has eaten one too many space brownies...

“It’s no secret that the better the Georgetown men’s basketball program does, the more applications there are to attend the school. It’s like a three-hour infomercial when a team is playing on national television.”

And that impacts the Caps how? And fuck Georgetown, like they need another infomercial. The next twenty freshman classes are already spec'ed out by government seats and brown nosed lobbyist brats.

After the death of long time Bullets/Wizards owner Abe Pollin in 2009, Leonsis purchased the team and Verizon Center, which he now calls “public space” for the city.

Public Space?!?! How is that possible Ted? Seeing as how you just ONCE AGAIN raised ticket prices for both teams? Public, but only if you can fork over 45k a year to sit in the nosebleeds?!

“The Verizon Center is now a convener. We bring in 2 [million] to 3 million people [annually],” Leonsis said.

And usually only consume 1[million] to 2[million] people (limbs included) [daily].

“We have to protect and enhance our public space because it’s a big part of the identity of our community."

We can have infomercials! Come one come all! Just ignore the gorlog monster at the front gate, he's harmless WINK WINK*

“When you think of Manhattan, and you ask anyone to name the important pieces of real estate, a top-10 mention is Madison Square Garden. We have the Verizon Center right near the Mall, right near the Capitol, right near the White House. It’s becoming an iconic piece of real estate."

Wait, so in one fell swoop you compare your crappy little corporate named barely 10 year old building wedged between a metro station and china town, to the fucking white house, MSG or the goddamn capitol? Are you mental or are all Hutts this insane?!?

"It activates local commerce.”

Indeed, as soon as I see those crappy outdated glass facades of your Verizon center I have this irresistible urge to re-up my cell phone plan!

Leonsis believes that when people think of Washington, D.C., they now think about the Capitals, the Wizards and the Mystics the same way that New Yorkers think of the Yankees, or Bostonians think of the Red Sox and the Bruins.

Yup, you heard it first folks, Mystics = Red Sox! Suck it Boston!

Leonsis declined to offer many specifics about the Wizards,

Get the fuck out of here, the man declined to offer specifics? Now I've heard everything...

but did express excitement about some of the recent moves made by the Caps.

A bulge in his Hutt pants moved six inches!

“all in hopes of trying to perfect and build a team that the community can be really proud of and that can define its success by bringing our community closer together and hopefully competing for and one day winning a championship."

Yes, nothing helps winning a championship in HOCKEY then bringing the community together! For you see, the Bruins did not bother to get better at hockey, or you know, learn to score more goals, no folks they just had a bake sale! Yep, brownies and cakes for all the little children! I heard Chara makes a mean rice-krispee treat!

There’s no more tickets to sell

But its a public space, all are welcome!

we’ve spent every dollar we can spend under the salary cap in the NHL, and there’s nothing to do other than to provide the fans a team that hopefully can do better next year.

Nothing left to be done! Get your playoff tickets now! The Cup is ours!

" I think there’s trust between our franchise and our fans base that everyone knows that that’s what our goal is.”

Now rock the red you lazy mother fuckers!

"Far from being removed, or adversarial toward the media, Leonsis said he feels more a part of the media, and is aware of his ability to affect people lives."

He feels that way because he ate the media with a sad face.

“Sports plays an unbelievably special role in people’s lives."

Indeed, we can all forget that we toil away each day under the weighty thumb of our Hutt overlords, instead able to focus on the caps! So lucky!

"We’re relatively small businesses, but our psychic footprint is incredibly large,”

Yes, my psychic powers are through the roof!

“I want to bring the community together, and make lifelong memories.”

I want the children to paint pictures of me, I want the great artists to sculpt my nude form throughout the city! Each thoroughfare, every intersection shall bask in the glow of my shining blubber! The people will weep and drop at the sight of my Hutt name!

God, any chance he could sell to Mark Cuban? I mean, fuck the community man, just win a goddamn cup before I'm too old and senile to pick out the puck on T.V.

Follow the Leader!

Welp, here we go gang. Another rousing summer afternoon gleaming news bits and sound bytes from the latest developments at rookie camp (well shiver me timbers!) Oh what a time to be alive! To hear BB's latest musing on all things Galiev! I just wish, in this most down of down-times, this rash of summer rage, this heatwave of extreme boredom, someone would come along with an article all about our new young fearless leadership! A treaty, if you will, based merely on speculation and a most wish-washy of methods, an extensive analysis of what the future may hold! I require a sage! A most advanced mind to plumb the depths and provide a glimpse of the future! Oh cruel world, what may be cast for my beloved of franchises?!?

Phew, crappy article to the rescue:

Linky

"Leaders or followers? We’ll find out"

Ohhh yeahhhhh! Now that, is one badd-asss mother-fluckin title! The Beezzzzzzz Kneezzzzzzzzzz of titles baby. Shit article or great article? WE'LL FIND OUT BITCH!

Since the Washington Capitals ran aground in the second round of the playoffs

THE BOAT HAS CRASHED INTO THE MOUNTAIN!

their front office has had meetings with Alex Ovechkin, Nicklas Backstrom, Mike Green, Brooks Laich — the core Caps, in other words. The subject of the sit-downs? Leadership.

Eh, seems a little vague there article writer, probably went something a little more like this:


Ovechkin, subject? Pussy
Backstrom, subject? Kush
Green, subject? My fuckin' rash is actin up again coach!
Laich, subject? Money and fat wizards, and not necessarily in that order.

Jason Arnott, after all, is gone now.

Oh what a fuckin' blow, how can we ever go on?! To lose some numbnut over-the-hill blowhard who couldn't score in a paper bag full of Eastern Euro whores, what devastation!

So is Sergei Fedorov, the Jason Arnott of 2008 and 2009.

First of all, on what fuckin' planet do you get off article writing guy comparing the GREAT SERGEI FUCKING FEDOROV to some douche bag who played here one goddamn weekend?!? Sergei gave us almost 18 months of pure hockey bliss bringing it night after night rocking the red and single-handedly beating the rangers that year (at least thats how I choose to remember it so fuck off).

So, come to think of it, are Boyd Gordon, Eric Fehr and Matt Bradley — all Capitals of fairly long standing.

Long standing caps who all happened to suck balls and combined for 3 goals last year between various ailments, a totally wrecked back, two shoulders literally glued on at this point, and a face so broken and bloodied that his wife divorced him on the spot (I think).

“The whole discussion was: It’s time for you guys to take over,” general manager George McPhee said Monday at the Caps’ development camp at Kettler Iceplex.

 GMGM paused for six hours, then continued, 'yes gentlemen, your time has come. Now I must return to Ted's side for it the feast of a thousand hutts tonight and I SHAN'T be late!'

Or to put it another way: You’re not kids anymore.

Good one article guy! Seriously though, leave the snark to the professionals, like myself...

“That’s right. They’re some of our top players, and they need to be top players if we’re going to have success. It’s about coming to camp in the best shape of their lives …”

Classic GMGM, how to say something controversial without really saying anything at all 101.

(Feel free to read between the lines here.) 

Thanks writer douche but I'll feel whatever I damn well want to feel asshat!

“… It’s about taking care of themselves during the season …” 

All those ellipses represent pauses of 18-20 minutes from the interview.

(Feel free to read between the lines here, too.)

Goddammit, I'm serious now, stop telling me what to feel!


“- It’s about being coachable. It’s about talking to the other players if they’re not doing the right things and straightening them out.”

Ov: Yo Galiev!!! I have great ganga back at crib my comrade! Come we hit hookah all night with beautiful babes!

Captain Ovie and the others are the stage of their careers where they must become the keepers of the flame.

Rider's of the storm! Keepers of the flame!

In fact, it raises an interesting question: Are leaders born, or can they also be made?

Yep, this is definitely the article I was jonsing for, I mean, imagine the mind that would dare to ask the real tough questions! Such insight! Such wisdom!

As we’ve seen time and again, winning a Stanley Cup is as much alchemy as science. 

OOOhhh tell us more professor! Oh I got one, will we ever be able to clone ourselves?!?

When the Caps went to the finals in 1998, Olie Kolzig, their new associate goalie coach, said, “we thought we were going to be back there soon, because we had a pretty good team and a pretty good organization. But we never got out of the first round again. 

Listen, Olie, I love ya baby, but you all kinda sucked that year. I mean really, the Sabres? give me a break...

“Sometimes being favored doesn’t always work to your favor. There’s a lot of pressure that you have to live up to. Some guys can play with that, some guys can’t.” 

This guy definitely went to coach's lecture clinic!


Yes, there’s plenty of youth on the roster, and the future would appear to be bright, but “that window is going to start closing here,” Kolzig said

And again with the fucking window! I swear, Kolzig reads my blog, that's the only explanation.


“especially with the collective bargaining agreement now and the salary cap.You can’t keep the team together for that long"

Oi, thanks Ollie, way to get us psyched for the upcoming year. I've heard more enthusiasm from a mostly damp blanket...

Olie has his own ideas about the nature/nurture, born-to-lead/raised-to-lead issue.

Get out of here! One of the biggest hypocritical self-centered douchebag over the hill, 'my skillsets are gone but I should be starting 75 games like brodeur' goalies ever has his own ideas? Come on man, get real!

During his playing days, you see, he roomed with Adam Oates and then Halpern — both of whom wore the “C” in Washington  

Imagine trying to get through a shower with kolzig running around!

“the impact that Oatsy had on Halpy,” he said. “But Halpy always had that ability to be a leader"

Halpy! Oatsy! Kolzigy! Meet Vokouny! and Ovy! Oh my favorite, Backstromy! Hey you Wardy! You're my boy Bouwery!

 “I was always a guy who wore his emotions on his sleeve and was never shy about letting people know how I felt." 

Yeah! Like that time I got benched, the team went on a miracle 10 game run to make the playoffs for the first time in a billion years, and I pissed and moaned and tore my nameplate off my locker and went running to Florida!

" But, yeah, I think you’re just born with it. You might be able to learn to be a proper leader, but I think, deep down inside, you have to have that ability. You just need to learn how to do it.”

I tell ya, I could just about listen to Olie wax poetic on anything! I mean, the insight! So let's line things up for our big finish, Olie the goalie says leaders are born not made, what say you article guy?

Ovechkin, Backstrom, Green and Laich have spent the past few seasons in the classroom, studying under Professors Fedorov and Arnott. Now it’s time for their final exam.


Uh, that sounds really weird right after that Olie quote. Did you cut out letters from magazines and glue this article together wrong? And still, their ages range from 24-28, how does this year constitute a final exam?!? I mean, other then Mikey, they all have the next 6+ years together to rock the red!


Are they leaders, or are they just really talented followers?

Are they hockey players, or are they just really talented astronauts?
Are they pimps, or are they just always hanging out with whorish women?
Are they drug dealers, or are they just users constantly pictured hitting hookahs?

There isn’t much riding on it. Only everything.

Snark dog barks again! Oh my, only everything OV! Yeah, no cup and we don't pay the remaining 11 years on your contract son!

So to recap, our title projected a chance to find out: leaders or followers? Our third to last sentence re-iterates this point, by again asking us if we know. I'm so confused, someone lead these goofballs! Maybe we can dig up Owen Nolan's grand-dad to make one last run!

The Ovechkin Tour

Yes, our fearless captain, the Russian engine that never stops, the whirling dervish number 8 the great, Alex the all-mighty Ovechkin goes forth in effort to survey this North American wasteland in hopes of drumming up support for what now? Ah, so here in full, a most exclusive coup (suck it steinbot) is a running log from this superstar's journeys through a most barren of voyages!

Travel Log: Monday, 11:30am

OV: AHHHHH YESSSSS!!!! Soooo, beautiful women, I am here OVECHKIN!! RAHHHHHHHH

(downs two fifths of potato vodka)

OV: Much better, feel almost human no? So, lovely lady, I am on new tour of U S and A, I am ready to party my ball sack off yes?!?

Babes: Ohhhh Ovieeeeeee!!!

OV: Ahahaha Yes! Russian rocket in pant yes?!?

Babes: Come give us the big one Ovie!!!

OV: Hang on woman, must hit hookah...

OV: Yesss, much better now! I get best dank from good bud Nicky Backstrom! Most righteous from Sveden you see! Ahh the swede, so sweet, so blond and cuddly.

(A knock on the door)

OV: (yells through the peephole) Who is there?

BB: OVIEE!!! Its your coach, Brouce Boudreau!!! Remember me?!? I'm the guy who you know, made you captain even though you can't speak english and never show for practice?

OV: Ah yes, my favorite wizard! Come in Bruce!

(BB rolls into the lavish hotel room stuffing waffles in his face)

BB: Oh Alex (burps) you should see the spread downstairs! A full service waffle station! They even had whipped cream!!

OV: Yes, Ovechkin see buffet, already have six hams this morning.

BB: Great, listen Captain, its time we get going, we have to fly to Dallas today!

OV: Why? I am here, fine hotel room, beautiful babe and Nicky cush, what would I ever need in Dallas??

BB: Its a tour!

-------------

Travel Log: Monday evening, 9:45 pm

(a plane lands on Dallas runway)

(OV in first class)

OV: Yes, flying can be so very taxing...

(BB glares from coach section stuffed in a middle seat)

OV: Okay babes, I think it time for Ovechkin to depart. I have fun trip yes? We make lot of little Ovechkins no? I hope someday to return this land and purchase your father yes?!

(everyone leaves the plane)

BB: COME ON ALEX!

(he eats 22 McDoubles and rushes Ovechkin out the airport door)

OV: What's the hurry Brucie pie?

BB: We can't miss this signing!

OV: This not problem coach, I rent car, see?

BB: OV! What have you done boy?!?

OV: It ok. (downs a kilo of Everclear, drives car off the lot at 145 mph leaving BB behind)

BB: Dammit OVECHKIN!!!

--------------

Travel Log: Tuesday afternoon, 3:15 pm

(another luxurious hotel room)

OV: This trip is become too difficult, mind seem to swim now. Must eat everything here!

(two women feed and blow him simultaneously)

OV: Now where is that stupid coach?!?

(A phone rings)

OV: Helloooooooo?!?! It is I, the mighty Ovechkin! Who dare disturb the silent repent of my lair?!

MG52: Yo Ovechkin! Mike Green here, NHL defensemen, what's up my bro-seph?!?

OV: Ahhhh Mikey! The Mike dog! Pass the Mike stand!

MG52: What up my captain?

OV: Nothing is up my comrade, just on U S and A tour with the big man!

MG52: Damn they got you out on the road? That is some bullshit am I right bro??!?

OV: Yes always right my good bud, how is that new woman you meet?

MG52: Not bad man, just found out last night she's actually a tranny, but its all good, you know what I say, waste not want not!

OV: Haha oh yes!

(downs entire vat of russian whiskey)

MG52: Yeah man, just callin' to check in. Heading up to the OP later today, gettin' that damn 50 inch mole removed FINALLY. I mean, come on doc, I've had these symptoms for like three weeks now!

OV: Yes, Ovechkin know this, keep little Mikey in prayer no?

MG52: Much appreciated bro, also gettin' an MRI done, think my skull has a leak, probably when that 12 foot tapeworm crawled into my ear that night we bagged those four locals on St. Tomas....

OV: Ah yes, what a night!

MG52: Aight my man, I gotta bounce you be safe out there!

OV: Yes, always, peace bro.

(they hang up)

-------------------

Travel Log: Wednesday night, 7:50 pm Someplace cold in Canada

OV: Ohhh yeah baby! Such great party here in north! Gotta keep my ear warm though!

Babes: Ohhh Ovie!!!!

OV: Yeah yeah yeah! You know I am pussy magnet!

(fingerbangs two chicks)

OV: I am rock star!

(coach is standing by the buffet spread)

BB: Dammit Ovechkin! We have very important people to meet on this tour!

(enhales 28 pounds of barbeque spareribs)

OV: It ok coach! Have more dinner, you look famish!

BB: Good point.

(swallows a pig whole and then bursts)

OV: Oh no! Now coach has died! Ovechkin very sad!

Babes: OH OVIE COME BACK TO BED!

OV: Well if I have to, I am sure coach would have wanted me to have most fun before season start anyway! That it, no more tour, I must return home with 45 beautiful babe for great feast!

(hits the hookah and trips over boudreau's decomposing body)

OV: SOMEONE CLEAN THIS SHIT UP!

(the end, or not?)

Let the Frenzy Begin!

Ahhh yessss! Here we are folks! Yep, Canada day! Oh wait, sorry just watchin' the TSN feed (cough) I mean working! Hardy har har, so in between segments on Winnipeg, Vancouver, Toronto and Montreal updates, I will be posting like a crazy lucky cap fan I portend to be! Yes folks, here we go! First article, our sweet lovely columnist checks in yet again. Oh Katie, where art though??

Link

Washington Capitals owner Ted Leonsis went on his blog this week to talk about the team’s efforts to retool its lineup this offseason.

Well well, back to the blog huh? While running multiple sports franchises, a tri-galaxy drug kingpin, maintain the slave fields in the distant moon of Joirjegon, this man still manages to post often for us fans! Just amazing, the way the Hutts just keep those slimey noses to the grindstone!


“We want to keep some players. We want to sign some players,” Leonsis wrote, then added that fans should “not be surprised if you see some trades.”

Doesn't anyone want JaVale McGee?!?

“We want to change and improve,” he said.

And to remain consistent, and to give two year extensions to every broken down old fuck in uniform!

With free agency opening at noon Friday, General Manager George McPhee said he doesn’t expect Washington to act rashly

He uttered after pausing mid phrase for three hours!

and team officials have given no sign one way or the other about their plans.

Trust me, if any team official, WHATSOEVER, leaked any information to a most evil media, they would be hastened into the underground cave for a most grave of conclusion!


there has been plenty of talk about a potential shake-up that could include some of the “young guns” who have been mainstays in the Capitals’ lineup in recent seasons.

Don't disturb the young guns!

Before Brooks Laich signed a six-year contract extension worth $27 million Tuesday

Or... before our dumbass GM gave this douchebag a cap crippling contract to a guy who barely topped 15 fucking goals all last year getting top six minutes and pp time, yes lets sign him right to the moment his groin goes.

the veteran and dressing room leader said he sat down with management to discuss concerns he had about the team’s future and chemistry.

 Oh shut up you stupid kiss ass, go change another tire you fucking boyscout.


"I think, this year, there’s got to be a lot more accountability among our players to each other, to the coaches,” Laich said.

Hello glass house, meet stone.

“It’s up to every single player — doesn’t matter how much you make, how long you’ve been here or what your name is — to practice as hard as they can, to practice as a team, to work as a team.”

So, in other words, OVECHKIN YOU SUCK ASS!

“I think it’s a pretty thin group,” McPhee said of this year’s free agents. “Somebody’s going to spend too much money on free agents, and I’m glad it’s not going to be us. We’re in pretty good shape at this point.”

GREAT SHAPE EVERYONE! Yup, you heard it here first, we are in good shape, I had no idea! So, the hutt says 'we want to change and improve' and his gm lackey says 'were in pretty good shape' I am so fuckin' confused right now.

When asked about the possibility of Varlamov leaving, though, McPhee said Washington was committed to its young netminders. “It’s either the three we have, or the two we have.”

'Or the six we have, or the thirteen we have, for you see any number you speak, I say we have it. Everything is perfect, I am a perfect GM, I will now pause for 20 minutes before continu...........ing this conversation. I have more knowledge in my left  pinky finger, ringed of course, then the entire media sprawl. We have every goalie in the planet, so do not ask me about goalies, or players, or hockey teams in general.'

“There isn’t a right or wrong answer to how to develop and support young goaltenders,” NHL Network analyst Kevin Weekes said.

He later added, 'sheeeeeeeeeitttttttt, that ovechtickins dudee is the beeesttttt. daaaaaaaamnnnnn nigggaaaaaa that GMGM dude is one crazzzzyyyyyy mofo!

“The Capitals have seemed to face the question of will they bring in a veteran for a few years now — but they haven’t yet and are in a position most teams in the league envy.”

Yes, the entire league just weeps in our presence!

Capitals note: Washington bought out defenseman Tyler Sloan on Thursday, a move that will result in a salary cap hit of $233,333 each of the next two seasons. 

GAHHHHHHH!!! NOOOOOO@!!!! How can that be just a mere footnote at the end of a long ass article?!?! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!!!!! Oh Tyler, where for art though my sweet prince!!! First Flash, now TFS, I might as well close the blog. That's it everyone, pack it up, board the windows, kill the pig. This is our darkest day folks, please, I just can't take it anymore. Maybe I can be a ligtehining fan....

Party Time Excellent!

(somewhere in suburban DC, home of nhl pro Brooks Laich)

Crowd: (Mostly losers and dweebs) YAY!!!!!!

BL21: Wow! Okay guys thanks for coming! Oh My Gosh! Can you believe it! Well well well, here we are, huh? Friends, family, loved ones! Beautiful babes! Coach! Oh my coach, that sweet wizard, that wonder of girth, giant of gab, that great strategic mind that convinced me to stay! What can I say, but a most heartfelt thank you!

BB: Wow Brooks I never really expected that! I mean, come on, its enough you invited us over to your wonderful pool pavilion!

BL21: I know coach, I rented the veranda for 250 per hour!

BB: What a deal my boy!

BL21: I learn from the best!

(a doorbell rings)

BL21: Oh my another guest! I shall go and answer the door to my gigantic unearned mansion!

(walks through crappy duplex and opens creaky door)

OV: Sup brook laich!

BL21: OV@!!!!! Oh MY GOD! Hot tub bro, you are gettin wet pronto!

OV: Ha ha! You funny white boy, no me and woman here go for dinner, we come back later, 2 am ish?

BL21: Naw man come on back! Even coach came! Come on man, we're celebratin my contract man! There's even fireworks!

OV: Listen, brook, ovechkin give support yes? I come by, shab apartment life, but you know, that is good right? See, ovechkin need fuel, and pussy see? I take this blond behind back, cause a ruckus no? Instead, we go back to ovechkin place yeah? Mum, come visit from homeland, bring potato!

BL21: Come on Alex, I'm beggin you, couldn't you atleast hang for like 10 minutes? Please????

OV: Fine, we make out by bush for five.

(They return to party)

(Another knock on door, 21 answers promptly)

MG52: Yo Brooksies! Mike green, nhl defensemen here, Heard you were throwin a rave bro! Ha ha, man some contract dude, sweet terms! I saw the message boards were buzzin man! All bitchin' about no hometown discount and shit, You know what I say bro, fuck em! Ha ha! That hutt bitch and his buttboy makafi ain't nuthin!

BL21: OH MY GOD MIKEY YOU HAVE TO STAY!

MG52: Shit man, whatcha up to?

BL21: Well, shit, we got fireworks! Coach is here too, great guy man, I really think he was robbed this year on the jackadams....

MG52: What are you, fuckin retarded?!?

BL21: Well, I just mean, you know his wizardry....

MG52: Man, fuck that noise, I gotta bounce, just wanted to stop by on my way to the D. R.ssss...

BL21: What?!? Oh no Mikey!

MG52: Just routine shit, that damn fungus sprung up again on my tizaint, you know, I was going down on that girl we met at starbucks, fuckin hep flared up on the lip, not sure what the hell happened there, starting gettin these damn nose bleeds, like all the fuckin time man, I was like yo doc, you gotta get me some shit here man, not to mention the fucking strep I had for like 4 weeks man, woke up the other day this giant fuckin' tick just chillin in my urethra, i swear i was pukin blood for weeks.

BL21: Shit, cool man, thanks for stoppin by!

MG52: Peace bro.

(He leaves, 21 walks back to the party, BB is by the grill)

BB: Hey Brooksies! Are you gonna smoke these suasages or do I have to DO EVERTHING!

(backstrom giggles, ovechkin and his girl do anal)

BL21: My, what a grand party!

(BB dons a wizard hat)

BB: Oh yes son! This is what happens when you focus!

(Eric fehr sits in a cage outside the veranda)

BB: See poor fehrsies over there! I mean, the nerve, to take a TWO MINUTE penalty in a playoff game! Well I've never!

BL21: Yes coach, that is not the leadership we require!

BB: Oh no! We must be diligent!

(Another ring of the doorbell)

BL21: Gosh! Quite the crowd huh wiz?!

(He goes to answer the door)

(a hutt sand crusier pulls up)

A voice: AHERHEA!!!! Ayouwers aswerws sth eerqwe two! Brooksiesssedhsdfsthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I commadnwerdsdrfsder theee!!!!!

(GMGM slithers from the upper balcony)

GMGM: Ahhh yes! (pauses for 18 minutes) Quite the shin-dig! I mean, for all of the planet and galaxy to attend! Oh what is that, boy, Brooksies, you forget our invitations?!? (Pauses and glares at 21 for two hours) Yessss, I see, so what now boy?!? We have stormed your precious lair!

BL21: (stammering) Wow, oh my gosh, listen George, crap may I call you George? I mean, sir, I just want to say again, thank you from the most bottomist part my heart, I swear!

(A shadow, deep in a most treacherous of darkness, passes dramatically over the door frame)

LeonsisTheHutt: SOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, Broookkksssieessssssssssssss, youthinkyouhaveoutsmartedtdddddddd a huttttttttt/?!?!?!? Wellll, see here my laddddddddddddddddd, atertshtasehrselrasd laeraeiadlnflksdrw wlherlhsl  werlakj haweroujo adfjalwe asdfa ssucks!!!!!!

BL21: Uhhh....

BB: Oh my god what a party! Turn up the jams!

LeonsisTheHutt: Isssssss thattt bruccieeeeeeeeee??!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

(The end, I hope)

The Greatest Coach's Clinic in the World!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, lofty readers of this great blog, I now present to you in its fullest, either a great clinic, or the SINGLE MOST important moment in the history of clinics:

Yes our fearless leader, the greatness of girth, gabby the wide, brucie pie has decided to strut his stuff for the poor saps who showed at some crazy boneheaded gathering called the 'Roger Neilson's Coaches Clinic' which I am about 99% sure is completely made up in the giant head of the buffoon in the picture above. Roger Nielson definitely sounds made up... and if Roger knew they got some mouthbreathing donut-craving lunatic as keynote speaker, well, ole' roger didn't know what he was signing up for! Oh wait, there's an article!

Yay

Ah the Windsor Star! Now there is some esteemed publication! To think, they would stoop so low, in this time of most extreme worldwide conflicts and events, they would actually work out the time and resources to cover such an event!

As Jim Ralph, emcee for this year's Roger Neilson's Coaches Clinic at the University of Windsor, introduced Friday's first speaker, Washington Capitals coach Bruce Boudreau, he couldn't help but get in a playful dig.

Jim Ralph! Ha ha! A playful dig huh, please Jim, not another insensitive fat joke, I mean really haven't we taken things too far at this point?!

Boudreau's topic of discussion was defensive system overhaul: a different approach.

"Tomorrow, he'll be speaking on a different subject," Ralph suggested. "When to go back to the original plan.
 
"I'm guessing it would be after Game 2."

Oh Jim! What a delightful yarn! My the comedy, the insane ribbing that must go on during the great coach's clinic! This must of been exactly what it felt like in that first SNL writer's meeting back in the Seventies...


As much as Boudreau, whose first NHL coach was Neilson, is enjoying his weekend in Windsor sharing wisdom with fellow coaches, there's a place he'd much rather be right now.

Yup, Golden Corral is having a huge deal tonight on the buffet! All you can eat shrimp!

Amidst the Stanley Cup final, where so many pundits put his club at the start of the National Hockey League season.

What, huh? Who?! Show me the pundit who put this perpetually choking joke of a franchise in the final? If they did their either Mike Wise or batshit insane, okay so that's redundant I know... (This joke brought to you by the genius of the Roger Nielson Comedy coaches clinic!)

The Capitals, though, are just the latest team to learn Lord Stanley's punishing lesson.

There's no winning your way to a title, or in the case of our owner, no eating our way to one either!

His trophy is hard to win, and the road toward it is fraught with misfortune and heartache.

Indeed, the gorlacks and celestial space gangs make trekking this terrible desert land most grave!

"We were talking about it this morning over breakfast," admitted Boudreau.

"I demand a fucking waffle station you  piece of shit hotel!!!! Oh yeah, it sucked losing again huh?"

"No one's won back-to-back titles since Detroit (1996-97, 1997-98). Maybe we're just not ready yet, and our year will be next year."

Are you fucking mental you fat fuck?! Are you really comparing yourselves to the damn red wings now you classless douchenozzle?! There is more skill, expertise, knowledge and hockey ability in datsyuk and zetterbergs love goo (I heard they were an item) then in your fucking brain you asshat. Go talk to another clinic in Warsaw or Windsor or whatever the fuck town they hold these stupid gatherings in conference room 4 of the best western.

"It takes time to win."

He later added, 'much like it took myself over ten long grueling years of constant buffet trips, triple servings of ice cream and a good ole fashioned hankering for twinkees that set me over the edge! I had to work to be as wide as I am tall dammit!'

Since the time ran out on Washington's latest Stanley Cup journey much earlier than anticipated, serious questions have been posed about Boudreau's team.

Such as, Why do you always suck? Why do you have a captain who can't even show up for practice and is too busy hitting the hookah? Why is Mike Green on my hockey team? Where is the goal? What is a power play? Why does the sun shine? Boudreau, as usual, had no answers...

It's nothing that the Wings didn't hear during the many years they came up short of the goal, or that the San Jose Sharks continue to hear as they hold the dishonour as the best team in the West without a title.

Is this the gist of his speech at this COACHS CLINIC!?!? 'Hey guys, now I know we suck, but.... other teams suck too! Ha see, we're not soo bad! Remember, fellow minor league and highschool doucherapist coaches, you too can just suck ass and blame it on nothing and then mention other crappy teams to redeem yourself! Remember kids, only 1 team wins the cup each year!

"Somebody told me this year it took (Sharks captain) Joe Thornton 14 years to finally get what it's like in the playoffs," Boudreau said.

"He played a very good playoff, and everybody's complained about his playoffs in previous years.

"It's a different animal."

Thorton is a bum, I'm shocked GMGM hasn't offered up a 20 year contract yet... I love how here its 'a different animal' but according to GMGM its all just hockey, a good coach is a good coach blah blah..

In the search for answers, Boudreau doesn't think it takes a hockey Einstein to figure things out.

Well good fucking thing. Okay back to our clinic, 'Now guys, I'm Brucie, big time hockey coach, and what I think is, you don't have to be smart to find answers! See fellas, just be an idiot all the time! Shit will fall into your lap eventually!'

"When teams lose, you're looking for major reasons why you lost, but that's not always the case," he said.

Or in his experience, that's apparently NEVER THE CASE.


"Sometimes, the reasons are way more simple than they want to believe.

"Sometimes, it's a bad break. Sometimes, the other team just plays better."

Is this really his speech at a fucking coaching clinic? Welp guys, sometimes you suck and sometimes the other team is better! Get it? Genius here yes! Jack adams mother fucker!

As for their playoff letdown, he thinks that too often, critics look to what went wrong, when often the outcome is caused by what the opposition did right.

We get it fatboy, you did nothing wrong and the whole world just conspired against you! Poor blubber butt, we hurt his wittle feewlings!

For example, he pointed to the way the Stanley Cup final between Boston and Vancouver had played out like two different series through the first four games.

That doesn't show anything you stupid fat fuck you lost in a sweep, make some adjustments!?!??! GAHH IM getting even more pissed he's still our coach! GET YOUR SEASON TICKETS NOW!!


"For the last two games, I'm sure all the Vancouver fans were saying, 'Oh man, we're so bad,' but it's because Boston was playing so well," Boudreau said.

No, they were saying fuck we played just like the caps...

"You can have the systems in place, and the system's working when it's five on oh, but when the other team's in place, it's a little more difficult. That's what makes sports, sports."

Wow, talk about a lecture for the ages, I really hope this session was taped and transcribed for posterity. Fuck it, write this shit down in a fucking scroll and put that shit in a time capsule like fucking pronto, people in the future need this shit asap.

With stars such as Alexander Ovechkin, Alexander Semin, Mike Green and Nicklas Backstrom in place, Boudreau thinks people would be foolish to write his team's epitaph as a contender just yet.

Why that would just be nonsense! It's not like the coach is tied in anyway to the legacy of his core group of players...

"Nobody in our core's over 26," he said.

Yes, but you see the window is closing you fat fuck.

"They're all competitors. They all want to win. We all want to win the Cup.

Phew, okay feel much better. Glad I went to this clinic!

They'll be ready to go come training camp. They all believe eventually that they're going to win."

As does he.

Brucie will be ready after a summer of extensive training, mostly doing donut runs between clinic appearences. You would not believe how remote the krispy kreme is near Windsor...

Playoff heartbreak hasn't caused his own belief to falter one iota within Boudreau's heart.

Its actually physically impossible for his belief to falter as there are no longer any iotas available now that his heart has grown to almost 4 times the normal size of a human! With a direct line of lard via IV pumping into his veins, the coach is a walking jelly donut!

What's This Day of Rest Nonsense?!

So, some cool slickster named Ryan something or other writes a TRENDING TOPIC folks! Not just any old regular topic, ohhhhh no way, not good enough for Yaho0!! No we need the trending topic, of course which direction the trend follows is really anyone's guess. So Ryan, our buddy old pal, takes a fearless stab at the most pitiful lambs of hockey squads, our very own lucky caps. So here now in full, hope this link works!

Linky Tinky

Trending Topics: What’s this ‘Fire Bruce Boudreau’ nonsense?

What's this bullshit?! What's this day of rest shit?! Jesus don't care! What is this nonsense huh pal?


So the Washington Capitals got bounced from the playoffs in just four games against a team they beat out for the division lead. And now there's talk — foolish, foolish talk — that, as a consequence, so too will Bruce Boudreau's tenure as the team's head coach end.

Well that's just crazy talk boy! I mean, the NOTION that the COACH has any impact WHATSOEVER on the outcome of what's it now...4 years of playoff failures?! I like how in the very first sentence he's already brushing aside the indelible nature of our exit. Wait, sorry that's fuckin' foolish. Go on..

This is, maybe, the dumbest thing I've heard someone say about hockey all damn year.

The dumbest? Really, all year? What about Boogard saying, hey I'll have another beer?

Theoretically and based on their regular-season records, the Capitals should have advanced past the second round before this year.  

JUST THEORIES FOLKS@! Nothing to see here, really! For you see, there is absolutely no reason, at all.


And if they had, we wouldn't be having this ridiculous conversation. But the playoffs are an inherently unfair and flawed system, one which benefits lucky clubs rather than good ones; though the two are not always mutually exclusive.

Uh, well, so here we have it folks, the actual crux of his argument. For you see, feeble peasants in the fields, the playoffs are simply flawed! Yes of course, I Ryan something or other from YAho()!! is here to tell you only LUCKY clubs win! well, you know, not mutually exclusive or some lame back out after making a shitty point...

But guess what: The Tampa Bay Lightning are one lucky-ass team. 


LensositheHutt later added to that point 'Yes, the lightening posses the most rarest and of the charts rated luck, and magic skills learned from the nebulaon galaxy phase two!'


They got every bounce in a four-game series to go their way.

Every single fucking one, trust me, big Ry guy here checked. Every damn game second, every bounce! TB was AVERAGING 5 lucky bounces PER MINUTE! Numbers never before recorded in the HISTORY OF THIS NEVER HAPPENED!

They got better-than-could-be-reasonably-expected-from-an-octogenarian goaltending. 

Whoa! Am I supposed to subtract all that shit?! Okay, let's see here... Gonna need my damn graphing calculator for that shit.... Octogenarian, is that like eight?


They got some mediocre performances from a couple of Capitals, who, one can reasonably suspect, were pretty banged up.

Mike Green later added, 'yeah I had to stuff cotton balls directly into my eardrums to stop the leaking of blood and puss, this really nasty green shit, I dunno man couldn't even hear Schultzy all game, then my fuckin' shin just starting fuckin' achin and shit?! I swear I was pissin' blood after warm-ups! But you know, we went bowlin' after and my arm felt fine, until later probably need Tommy John surgery this year, hope to back!'

They were, to put it succinctly, not exactly the better team in this series. 

And now I will argue to NOT CHANGE ANYTHING!

Remember, this is the same team that peed down its leg in the second half of the season when it started leading the division, while Washington rebounded from that lengthy losing streak around the Winter Classic and clobbered everyone in its path en route to the top seed in the East. No small feat. 

Am I losing it or did he just mention pee?!? Hold on...

this is the same team that peed down its leg

Wow! There it is again! Awesome! Huh huh, cool!

And the reason it was able to do that?

Bruce Boudreau. Pretty much solely.

Well, that's something, huh? So let's clear this up, just to put as simply as possible, you support the following points:
    Point 1: BB was the SOLE REASON the team came back to win the conference.
    Point 2: After yet ANOTHER collapse in the playoffs, he should NOT BE HELD accountable.
Yay!

We saw it, too, in the first round, when the Capitals disemboweled the New York Rangers just like everyone on the planet who doesn't own a Rangers jersey knew they would.

As their entrails seeped onto the ice sheet and whirling giant blur of slime and blubber whisked across the slick surface consuming the very bowels draped in torn blue jerseys! The owner shouted in glee as bloody guts streamed down his glistening bulbous sixteen chins! Oh what a moment!

But things go wrong in the second round, and suddenly a lot of Chicken Littles start pecking around the Caps dressing room asking asinine questions.

The chicken little's grew restless! At once the hutt leader swept them through the underground chamber to their demise at the gorlak while the dancing crowd and jazz fusion band jammed!

If this type of change is being considered, then I'm a little surprised.

Shocked even? Maybe, I dunno, startled? Taken aback? Flustered? Forced to pause and take stock on one's life? Gleamed? Ensued? Alarmed? Engulfed? Seat of said pant or chair? Unless standing?

To be fair, McPhee said he "expects" that Boudreau will be back. (Leading me to believe that the decision might come from a bit higher up the food chain; say, the owner's box). 

As opposed to who? The fucking clan council?! This is a fuckin' crime family asshole, who has resided over this corner of the Tatooine core for centuries now! There is only one hutt at the top of the food chain at all times!

And really, who could do a better job with the Capitals as currently constituted than Boudreau?

Durr! We need Gibbs! Yee-haw!!!

It's unfair to label a guy a choker or say he can't get it done in the postseason when everything but the final score of the games indicates he coaches the best and most efficient team on the ice in not only the regular season, but also all the series they've lost in the last few years.  

Most efficient, in a fucking best of seven series, where they proceeded to lose each of the first fucking four?! To a team they dominated all year? What else, other then the fucking SCORE indicates who coaches best?!? This isn't fuckin' t-ball son!

Again, the playoffs are ruled through the tyranny of small sample sizes. 

This tyranny! This most evil of lords! Presiding over us, his mere peasants! Worshiping his feet from the fields afar! And I'm sorry four years of playoffs at this point is not really that small a sample size.

Boudreau's teams essentially lost three one-goal games (the 4-2 scoreline in Game 1 came due to an empty netter) to a Bolts team that statistically should have failed.

Statistically! What those are, I can't exactly lay out here haha! I mean, that would be silly! I can just say they should have failed! See its all in the stats! What's that, the blog entry is due, shit okay here you go...

These weren't humiliating blowouts — unless you count Mike Green's(notes) doors on the Game 3 winner — but rather skin-of-their-teeth victories that could very easily have gone the other way.


Unless you count the most critical fuckin' game in a goddamn sweep! The only chance we had with SUPPOSED fresher legs and all that shit and we just ignore a giant gaff from a kid who probably shouldn't have even been playing.

 Hell, only one team wins the Stanley Cup every year. And that doesn't even make the coach who Got It Done a genius. 

No fuckin' shit you smug little country club douche nozzle, does that mean we have to go another thirty fuckin' years with incompetence at the helm and let the prime years of a hockey superstar go to waste because barbeque face needs ONE MORE chance?!? Do you really think this team would turn terrible with someone else at the helm? Are you kidding me?!

Fire Boudreau? Honestly?

Yes, seriously, why not. Name one team that would hire the guy? Honestly? Figuratively? Emotionally? Emphatically? Douchetastically? Cuntlickishly? Seriously?

To paraphrase the man himself, "That's really [expletive]in' dumb."

Just a top notch quote there to back up your keep the status quo campaign! Now I'm all fired up!

The Great Window Debate

Yes, here we are, certainly, most presumptively, another avenue, a boulevard of broken hockey dreams, a tourniquet, a noose ever tightening its grip firmly on the necks of our most beloved of organizations! Folks our most peril of moments is upon us! Do we dare take that most giant of steps forward towards possession of the one true cup? Or do we once again pause at the trigger, afraid to take a plunge into the abyss, afraid to find our true selves! Oh sweet local beat correspondent, whatever shall we do?!

Linky

Ted Leonsis has declined interview requests through a spokesman since the Capitals were swept from the second round of the Stanley Cup playoffs earlier this month,

This spokesman later was seen whisked away among chains by two giant battle droids screaming 'save me save me my master is a giant slimy rodent who eats even smaller slimier rodents!'


but on Thursday he answered questions from fans on the team’s website.

Where he followed up a most boisterous chat by consuming their entire entrails with a fresh side of Gorgonzola salad!

Leonsis reiterated a message of patience in regard to the Capitals’ ability to achieve playoff success and stressed that despite this postseason’s disappointment, he doesn’t believe the team is running out of time to win.


For you see, the Hutt measure time by the more standard established Gorgolakian Calender, for within this denomination a mere 3 days have passed since even the organization's inception! This also helps explain the almost demonically slow metabolism they all somehow possess...


“The one that has bothered me is this notion that the pain of losing is because our window is closing,” Leonsis said of the emails and comments he’s received from fans since the loss to the Lightning.

He added, 'also tickling my rear these days is this notion, that I SOMEHOW assisted in the most absurd raid on the rebel guard allying with a most ambitious of galactic empires!' to a somewhat stunned press room...

“I’m a fan. I want instant results."

I demand Ovechkin-walker at once! He has failed me for the last time!


"I feel great disappointment."

Slave! This fried vermin is OVER COOKED! How dare you question the pallet of a Hutt clansman! Do I look like someone who can't tell the difference in fois gras?!?!


"I, too, would like to figure out why can’t we go deeper in the playoffs. It’s really what we’ve been spending time on the last several weeks."

Hmmm.... several weeks even? Wow, let's see here, maybe I can break it down a  little for ya there boss. So let's see here, hockey games are GENERALLY won by the team who tallies the most goals you see, that's when the puck goes INTO the net! Just like that buffet spread went INTO your mouth!


“We’re struggling as an organization translating regular season productivity into longer success in the playoffs,” Leonsis said. “We certainly want to go further than one round.”

Yep, the goal is now clearly to reach the third round everyone! Oh yeah Get your season tickets!

Although he talked about how the Capitals’ internal assessment and introspection has just begun, Leonsis added that the answer for how to take that next step doesn’t necessarily include firing General Manager George McPhee, Coach Bruce Boudreau or trading away the team’s star players.

Sooo... In order to improve....we change.... NOTHING! Great perfect zang zoooms! Scuby snacks!

“I think right now we’re all looking at what do we have to do differently to move forward" 

Leonsis then specified several new training regimens he is instituting around the old Tatooin bar hang out, including three legged races, pin the tail on the marclaar and the always classic pod race around the gorlack.


Leonsis said. “We finished the first round this year and we all felt that we were in good shape. We felt that was the toughest round to get through,"

Ouch! Is that, really what you all thought? Really, like seriously? That doesn't make ANY SENSE on any planet, much less one as barren as tatooine?!? Now come now Mr. Hutt, this is a most absurd premise, even for such a callow fellow! I mean, imagine, a team that ALREADY WON a round in the playoffs would be better then the team you just demolished who only made it in because some other team in some hick town that shouldn't even be in a WINTER sports league lost in some rinky dink blowout meaningless shit where was I?


"And we got swept in the second round. It didn’t feel good."

Leonsis later added that he eased his pain by slipping into a nice mud bath made of the finest Gorlon galaxy grain while sipping leftover batches of Han Solo blood previously drained in Episode 5.

We’re all sitting down to say, ‘What do we have to do differently?’

Gee Wally! I dunno Boss! Maybe head over to the Wizards game?!?

Leonsis said he believed the team’s transition to a more defensive posture mid-season was the appropriate move to make, but that the power play’s struggles may mandate “something major” to reignite the unit.  

Okay here's what we're gonna do, lets make sure Ovechkin and Green skate mandatory two minute shifts BEFORE the powerplay starts so they are EXTRA exhausted! Then, they can skate in circles and make lazy passes the whole shift! HOT GOALIE HOT GOALIE!!

Leonsis didn’t go into specifics about what those changes might entail. 

The man has NEVER gone into specifics about ANYTHING EVER so why should he now?!?

"I don’t think our window is closing,” Leonsis said. 

He also added, "I ate the window," with a really sad face.

“All [youth] does is give us more hope that we can improve our playoff performance. But I do think the team’s young players contribute a lot and will get better because they’ll get more experienced.”

Experience always equals better, you see? This is why the man owns shopping malls.... (What's that, the baseball team what? huh? nevermind)

(insert window slamming shut image)