The Big Deal

(In an office somewhere over Kettler)

(Coach sits at his desk working over a small laptop)

BB: Okay! Wow, three wins in a row! man, I am some coach huh? (Gazes into giant facial mirror) Oh Bruce, or should I say Jack Adams! Oh coach, what can I do now? Well lets see here, time to tweak the power play! Just too many goals lately... Okay, so I think we need Green and Ov on the points, two minutes mandatory shift time! Ah yes, brilliant bruce, just brilliant. Okay, lets see here, more brain power, duh duh duh, thats it, Semin on the half wall! Perfect diagram Bruce! Okay, Backstrom behind the net and Fleischmann in front! Ahh yes, Oh Flash, you are soo dreamy. I'll never forget that day I told him he would be on the cover of my book! Oh what a time! Oh what a moment!

(There is a long drawn out low rumbling of a knock at the door)

BB: Oh Who could that be?!

GMGM: Hey coach, got a minute?

BB: Sure thing Boss! (jumps up and grabs a chair for GMGM) Here take this one! Good for the back!

GMGM: Okay, so coach, we need to um...... (pauses for 5 minutes) have a chat? okay?

BB: Oh sure thing George! Wow, I'm so excited to see you!

GMGM: Right listen, (inhales air for three straight minutes) okay, so we have made a slight move today. Really a move to strengthen the (pauses indefinitely) core of the team.

BB: Okay, that sounds great! I'm great at introducing new players!

(BB inhales 5 doughnuts in nervousness)

BB: Anything to eat?!

GMGM: no no! I don't consume until December 8th, no Bruce, listen this is serious (nods and glares in no direction for 12 minutes) Okay, listen we traded tomas.

BB: Who?

GMGM: You know, I think you fellas call him Flash?

BB: RAHHH HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!?!?!?! HES OUR ONLY OPTION AT NUMBER TWO CENTER!!!!!

GMGM: Listen Bruce, we had to make a (pauses and grins at BB for twenty four minutes) move that would help the structure of the team! I really think THE SWEEDEEE can handle those minutes.

BB: But Tyler was just coming off injury, he was ready for twenty minutes a night!

GMGM: We just disagree Bruce.

BB: Who is this we!? I demand an answer?!

(A shadow passes across the doorway)

Ted: Listen Bruce, ooooggahh gummphh fummpppph.

GMGM: I think what Ted is hinting at is that while we are proud of the amount of fans (pauses for 8 hours) that come to the gate, we really needed something at defense.

Ted: Ohhhhwereeeee theeeughsss upm[thahttt

GMGM: Right!

BB: What?!

(Meanwhile back at the Fleischmann family home)

FLASH: Hey MOM! Guess what?!? I'm going to be playing with Ovechkin tonight!!!

Flash's Mom: honey you have a phone call.

FLASH: WOW NO BODY HAS CALLED ME IN TWELEVE YEARS!!! Maybe its Fehrsie, we were going to play table tennis later...

(answers a giant rotary phone)

FLASH: Hello?

BB: Tom, its me, coach, sugarbear, listen I think we need to have a chat...

Thanksgiving 2010

(The Fleischmann family home)
Flash: Lord, last of all, I am most thankful for my wonderful teammates with the Washington Caps. They continue to support me through this most difficult of falls! I am most grateful to my best buddy, Eric 'Big Goal' Fehr, Fehrsie, the fehrmister, my trusty roommate who we welcome to our home this holiday!

EF16: (while sitting at the little kids table with 6 8 year olds) Thanks Flash for um, having me.

 FLASH: No problem buddy! Hey Mom, you said I could take my friend to the tree house after dinner right? right?

Flash's mom: Uh... did I?


FLASH: Yeah! Right after we finished the holiday cookies!

EF16: (muttering to himself) Goddamn that mikey, why couldn't he invite me this year...

(Meanwhile somewhere on the potomac, the boat is thumping as the bass plays loudly.)

AO: Yeah baby I got 99 problems but a bitch aint one! YEeeeeee!!!!!

MG52: Yo Ov, what's sup man?!

AO: Mikey, great rave bro! I have great time!

MG52: And who's this fine piece of ass???

AO: Sister come from Russia with visits! We crash boat party!

MG52: Fuckin crazy, yo this party is dope!

MG52: Fuck it, I gotta score some tail, latah!

(He departs, AO frenches two russian broads and downs an entire fifth of vodka, then inhales three turkeys)

AO: Fuck yeah!!! Love thanks givings rah!

(meanwhile back at the mercedes dealership...)

BB: I did what to the clutch?!

GAMEDAY - November 24, 2010

BB: I want to thank you all for coming today! We are coming off a couple tough losses but we just need to WORK harder, get it? Okay, lets see here, we need something on defense I think. Any ideas Mikey?

MG52: Not really coach, my shoulder is totally numb and the hep-B is flaring up again.

BB: I told you to wrap that up son!

MG52: Couldn't be helped, Ov and Kovi threw a boat party thing over the summer, cruisin the Potomac or somethin!

BB: Yeah yeah, I'm sure my invitation was lost in the mail. HEY FLASH!

FLASH: yes my brutal master, I MEAN COACH?!

BB: Go down to seven eleven, get me three eclairs and a large diet coke, now!

MG52: Boy, hes a real go-getter huh?

(The door opens and bursting through in a segway)

OV: Ha ha Coach! You are fag fat boy! ha ha!

BB: Dammit Ovechkin! Maybe I should bench that kid... eh screw it, I'll just bench Fehrsie again hes a big pansy anyway.

MG52: Sure thats a good idea coach especially with Knubes out?

BB: Who?! Oh yeah, old man river, nah we should be fine. Listen, okay, everyone paying attention now?

BB: Seriously guys! I mean, I have a lot of cool plays to diagram!

Gordo: (Whispering to DJKing) Man, this guy is losing it.

DJKing: Who?

BB: HEY PUNCHY PAY ATTENTION! Okay, seriously, I have important things to say!

BB: (shines minature replica of his jack adams award) Okay, so, tonight we play down in Carolina. Now I need you all to make sure you get to the plane on time, okay sasha?

AS28: Durrrr, no speak english! (mutters russian curse words)

OV: Ha ha! Sasha make joke! ha ha coach is fat!

(phone rings)

OV: Hello?

OV: So funny Kovi! Ha ha coach is so fat!

BB: Okay, thats enough practice. just go skate or something.