Party Time Excellent!

(somewhere in suburban DC, home of nhl pro Brooks Laich)

Crowd: (Mostly losers and dweebs) YAY!!!!!!

BL21: Wow! Okay guys thanks for coming! Oh My Gosh! Can you believe it! Well well well, here we are, huh? Friends, family, loved ones! Beautiful babes! Coach! Oh my coach, that sweet wizard, that wonder of girth, giant of gab, that great strategic mind that convinced me to stay! What can I say, but a most heartfelt thank you!

BB: Wow Brooks I never really expected that! I mean, come on, its enough you invited us over to your wonderful pool pavilion!

BL21: I know coach, I rented the veranda for 250 per hour!

BB: What a deal my boy!

BL21: I learn from the best!

(a doorbell rings)

BL21: Oh my another guest! I shall go and answer the door to my gigantic unearned mansion!

(walks through crappy duplex and opens creaky door)

OV: Sup brook laich!

BL21: OV@!!!!! Oh MY GOD! Hot tub bro, you are gettin wet pronto!

OV: Ha ha! You funny white boy, no me and woman here go for dinner, we come back later, 2 am ish?

BL21: Naw man come on back! Even coach came! Come on man, we're celebratin my contract man! There's even fireworks!

OV: Listen, brook, ovechkin give support yes? I come by, shab apartment life, but you know, that is good right? See, ovechkin need fuel, and pussy see? I take this blond behind back, cause a ruckus no? Instead, we go back to ovechkin place yeah? Mum, come visit from homeland, bring potato!

BL21: Come on Alex, I'm beggin you, couldn't you atleast hang for like 10 minutes? Please????

OV: Fine, we make out by bush for five.

(They return to party)

(Another knock on door, 21 answers promptly)

MG52: Yo Brooksies! Mike green, nhl defensemen here, Heard you were throwin a rave bro! Ha ha, man some contract dude, sweet terms! I saw the message boards were buzzin man! All bitchin' about no hometown discount and shit, You know what I say bro, fuck em! Ha ha! That hutt bitch and his buttboy makafi ain't nuthin!

BL21: OH MY GOD MIKEY YOU HAVE TO STAY!

MG52: Shit man, whatcha up to?

BL21: Well, shit, we got fireworks! Coach is here too, great guy man, I really think he was robbed this year on the jackadams....

MG52: What are you, fuckin retarded?!?

BL21: Well, I just mean, you know his wizardry....

MG52: Man, fuck that noise, I gotta bounce, just wanted to stop by on my way to the D. R.ssss...

BL21: What?!? Oh no Mikey!

MG52: Just routine shit, that damn fungus sprung up again on my tizaint, you know, I was going down on that girl we met at starbucks, fuckin hep flared up on the lip, not sure what the hell happened there, starting gettin these damn nose bleeds, like all the fuckin time man, I was like yo doc, you gotta get me some shit here man, not to mention the fucking strep I had for like 4 weeks man, woke up the other day this giant fuckin' tick just chillin in my urethra, i swear i was pukin blood for weeks.

BL21: Shit, cool man, thanks for stoppin by!

MG52: Peace bro.

(He leaves, 21 walks back to the party, BB is by the grill)

BB: Hey Brooksies! Are you gonna smoke these suasages or do I have to DO EVERTHING!

(backstrom giggles, ovechkin and his girl do anal)

BL21: My, what a grand party!

(BB dons a wizard hat)

BB: Oh yes son! This is what happens when you focus!

(Eric fehr sits in a cage outside the veranda)

BB: See poor fehrsies over there! I mean, the nerve, to take a TWO MINUTE penalty in a playoff game! Well I've never!

BL21: Yes coach, that is not the leadership we require!

BB: Oh no! We must be diligent!

(Another ring of the doorbell)

BL21: Gosh! Quite the crowd huh wiz?!

(He goes to answer the door)

(a hutt sand crusier pulls up)

A voice: AHERHEA!!!! Ayouwers aswerws sth eerqwe two! Brooksiesssedhsdfsthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I commadnwerdsdrfsder theee!!!!!

(GMGM slithers from the upper balcony)

GMGM: Ahhh yes! (pauses for 18 minutes) Quite the shin-dig! I mean, for all of the planet and galaxy to attend! Oh what is that, boy, Brooksies, you forget our invitations?!? (Pauses and glares at 21 for two hours) Yessss, I see, so what now boy?!? We have stormed your precious lair!

BL21: (stammering) Wow, oh my gosh, listen George, crap may I call you George? I mean, sir, I just want to say again, thank you from the most bottomist part my heart, I swear!

(A shadow, deep in a most treacherous of darkness, passes dramatically over the door frame)

LeonsisTheHutt: SOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, Broookkksssieessssssssssssss, youthinkyouhaveoutsmartedtdddddddd a huttttttttt/?!?!?!? Wellll, see here my laddddddddddddddddd, atertshtasehrselrasd laeraeiadlnflksdrw wlherlhsl  werlakj haweroujo adfjalwe asdfa ssucks!!!!!!

BL21: Uhhh....

BB: Oh my god what a party! Turn up the jams!

LeonsisTheHutt: Isssssss thattt bruccieeeeeeeeee??!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

(The end, I hope)

The Greatest Coach's Clinic in the World!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, lofty readers of this great blog, I now present to you in its fullest, either a great clinic, or the SINGLE MOST important moment in the history of clinics:

Yes our fearless leader, the greatness of girth, gabby the wide, brucie pie has decided to strut his stuff for the poor saps who showed at some crazy boneheaded gathering called the 'Roger Neilson's Coaches Clinic' which I am about 99% sure is completely made up in the giant head of the buffoon in the picture above. Roger Nielson definitely sounds made up... and if Roger knew they got some mouthbreathing donut-craving lunatic as keynote speaker, well, ole' roger didn't know what he was signing up for! Oh wait, there's an article!

Yay

Ah the Windsor Star! Now there is some esteemed publication! To think, they would stoop so low, in this time of most extreme worldwide conflicts and events, they would actually work out the time and resources to cover such an event!

As Jim Ralph, emcee for this year's Roger Neilson's Coaches Clinic at the University of Windsor, introduced Friday's first speaker, Washington Capitals coach Bruce Boudreau, he couldn't help but get in a playful dig.

Jim Ralph! Ha ha! A playful dig huh, please Jim, not another insensitive fat joke, I mean really haven't we taken things too far at this point?!

Boudreau's topic of discussion was defensive system overhaul: a different approach.

"Tomorrow, he'll be speaking on a different subject," Ralph suggested. "When to go back to the original plan.
 
"I'm guessing it would be after Game 2."

Oh Jim! What a delightful yarn! My the comedy, the insane ribbing that must go on during the great coach's clinic! This must of been exactly what it felt like in that first SNL writer's meeting back in the Seventies...


As much as Boudreau, whose first NHL coach was Neilson, is enjoying his weekend in Windsor sharing wisdom with fellow coaches, there's a place he'd much rather be right now.

Yup, Golden Corral is having a huge deal tonight on the buffet! All you can eat shrimp!

Amidst the Stanley Cup final, where so many pundits put his club at the start of the National Hockey League season.

What, huh? Who?! Show me the pundit who put this perpetually choking joke of a franchise in the final? If they did their either Mike Wise or batshit insane, okay so that's redundant I know... (This joke brought to you by the genius of the Roger Nielson Comedy coaches clinic!)

The Capitals, though, are just the latest team to learn Lord Stanley's punishing lesson.

There's no winning your way to a title, or in the case of our owner, no eating our way to one either!

His trophy is hard to win, and the road toward it is fraught with misfortune and heartache.

Indeed, the gorlacks and celestial space gangs make trekking this terrible desert land most grave!

"We were talking about it this morning over breakfast," admitted Boudreau.

"I demand a fucking waffle station you  piece of shit hotel!!!! Oh yeah, it sucked losing again huh?"

"No one's won back-to-back titles since Detroit (1996-97, 1997-98). Maybe we're just not ready yet, and our year will be next year."

Are you fucking mental you fat fuck?! Are you really comparing yourselves to the damn red wings now you classless douchenozzle?! There is more skill, expertise, knowledge and hockey ability in datsyuk and zetterbergs love goo (I heard they were an item) then in your fucking brain you asshat. Go talk to another clinic in Warsaw or Windsor or whatever the fuck town they hold these stupid gatherings in conference room 4 of the best western.

"It takes time to win."

He later added, 'much like it took myself over ten long grueling years of constant buffet trips, triple servings of ice cream and a good ole fashioned hankering for twinkees that set me over the edge! I had to work to be as wide as I am tall dammit!'

Since the time ran out on Washington's latest Stanley Cup journey much earlier than anticipated, serious questions have been posed about Boudreau's team.

Such as, Why do you always suck? Why do you have a captain who can't even show up for practice and is too busy hitting the hookah? Why is Mike Green on my hockey team? Where is the goal? What is a power play? Why does the sun shine? Boudreau, as usual, had no answers...

It's nothing that the Wings didn't hear during the many years they came up short of the goal, or that the San Jose Sharks continue to hear as they hold the dishonour as the best team in the West without a title.

Is this the gist of his speech at this COACHS CLINIC!?!? 'Hey guys, now I know we suck, but.... other teams suck too! Ha see, we're not soo bad! Remember, fellow minor league and highschool doucherapist coaches, you too can just suck ass and blame it on nothing and then mention other crappy teams to redeem yourself! Remember kids, only 1 team wins the cup each year!

"Somebody told me this year it took (Sharks captain) Joe Thornton 14 years to finally get what it's like in the playoffs," Boudreau said.

"He played a very good playoff, and everybody's complained about his playoffs in previous years.

"It's a different animal."

Thorton is a bum, I'm shocked GMGM hasn't offered up a 20 year contract yet... I love how here its 'a different animal' but according to GMGM its all just hockey, a good coach is a good coach blah blah..

In the search for answers, Boudreau doesn't think it takes a hockey Einstein to figure things out.

Well good fucking thing. Okay back to our clinic, 'Now guys, I'm Brucie, big time hockey coach, and what I think is, you don't have to be smart to find answers! See fellas, just be an idiot all the time! Shit will fall into your lap eventually!'

"When teams lose, you're looking for major reasons why you lost, but that's not always the case," he said.

Or in his experience, that's apparently NEVER THE CASE.


"Sometimes, the reasons are way more simple than they want to believe.

"Sometimes, it's a bad break. Sometimes, the other team just plays better."

Is this really his speech at a fucking coaching clinic? Welp guys, sometimes you suck and sometimes the other team is better! Get it? Genius here yes! Jack adams mother fucker!

As for their playoff letdown, he thinks that too often, critics look to what went wrong, when often the outcome is caused by what the opposition did right.

We get it fatboy, you did nothing wrong and the whole world just conspired against you! Poor blubber butt, we hurt his wittle feewlings!

For example, he pointed to the way the Stanley Cup final between Boston and Vancouver had played out like two different series through the first four games.

That doesn't show anything you stupid fat fuck you lost in a sweep, make some adjustments!?!??! GAHH IM getting even more pissed he's still our coach! GET YOUR SEASON TICKETS NOW!!


"For the last two games, I'm sure all the Vancouver fans were saying, 'Oh man, we're so bad,' but it's because Boston was playing so well," Boudreau said.

No, they were saying fuck we played just like the caps...

"You can have the systems in place, and the system's working when it's five on oh, but when the other team's in place, it's a little more difficult. That's what makes sports, sports."

Wow, talk about a lecture for the ages, I really hope this session was taped and transcribed for posterity. Fuck it, write this shit down in a fucking scroll and put that shit in a time capsule like fucking pronto, people in the future need this shit asap.

With stars such as Alexander Ovechkin, Alexander Semin, Mike Green and Nicklas Backstrom in place, Boudreau thinks people would be foolish to write his team's epitaph as a contender just yet.

Why that would just be nonsense! It's not like the coach is tied in anyway to the legacy of his core group of players...

"Nobody in our core's over 26," he said.

Yes, but you see the window is closing you fat fuck.

"They're all competitors. They all want to win. We all want to win the Cup.

Phew, okay feel much better. Glad I went to this clinic!

They'll be ready to go come training camp. They all believe eventually that they're going to win."

As does he.

Brucie will be ready after a summer of extensive training, mostly doing donut runs between clinic appearences. You would not believe how remote the krispy kreme is near Windsor...

Playoff heartbreak hasn't caused his own belief to falter one iota within Boudreau's heart.

Its actually physically impossible for his belief to falter as there are no longer any iotas available now that his heart has grown to almost 4 times the normal size of a human! With a direct line of lard via IV pumping into his veins, the coach is a walking jelly donut!