What's This Day of Rest Nonsense?!

So, some cool slickster named Ryan something or other writes a TRENDING TOPIC folks! Not just any old regular topic, ohhhhh no way, not good enough for Yaho0!! No we need the trending topic, of course which direction the trend follows is really anyone's guess. So Ryan, our buddy old pal, takes a fearless stab at the most pitiful lambs of hockey squads, our very own lucky caps. So here now in full, hope this link works!

Linky Tinky

Trending Topics: What’s this ‘Fire Bruce Boudreau’ nonsense?

What's this bullshit?! What's this day of rest shit?! Jesus don't care! What is this nonsense huh pal?


So the Washington Capitals got bounced from the playoffs in just four games against a team they beat out for the division lead. And now there's talk — foolish, foolish talk — that, as a consequence, so too will Bruce Boudreau's tenure as the team's head coach end.

Well that's just crazy talk boy! I mean, the NOTION that the COACH has any impact WHATSOEVER on the outcome of what's it now...4 years of playoff failures?! I like how in the very first sentence he's already brushing aside the indelible nature of our exit. Wait, sorry that's fuckin' foolish. Go on..

This is, maybe, the dumbest thing I've heard someone say about hockey all damn year.

The dumbest? Really, all year? What about Boogard saying, hey I'll have another beer?

Theoretically and based on their regular-season records, the Capitals should have advanced past the second round before this year.  

JUST THEORIES FOLKS@! Nothing to see here, really! For you see, there is absolutely no reason, at all.


And if they had, we wouldn't be having this ridiculous conversation. But the playoffs are an inherently unfair and flawed system, one which benefits lucky clubs rather than good ones; though the two are not always mutually exclusive.

Uh, well, so here we have it folks, the actual crux of his argument. For you see, feeble peasants in the fields, the playoffs are simply flawed! Yes of course, I Ryan something or other from YAho()!! is here to tell you only LUCKY clubs win! well, you know, not mutually exclusive or some lame back out after making a shitty point...

But guess what: The Tampa Bay Lightning are one lucky-ass team. 


LensositheHutt later added to that point 'Yes, the lightening posses the most rarest and of the charts rated luck, and magic skills learned from the nebulaon galaxy phase two!'


They got every bounce in a four-game series to go their way.

Every single fucking one, trust me, big Ry guy here checked. Every damn game second, every bounce! TB was AVERAGING 5 lucky bounces PER MINUTE! Numbers never before recorded in the HISTORY OF THIS NEVER HAPPENED!

They got better-than-could-be-reasonably-expected-from-an-octogenarian goaltending. 

Whoa! Am I supposed to subtract all that shit?! Okay, let's see here... Gonna need my damn graphing calculator for that shit.... Octogenarian, is that like eight?


They got some mediocre performances from a couple of Capitals, who, one can reasonably suspect, were pretty banged up.

Mike Green later added, 'yeah I had to stuff cotton balls directly into my eardrums to stop the leaking of blood and puss, this really nasty green shit, I dunno man couldn't even hear Schultzy all game, then my fuckin' shin just starting fuckin' achin and shit?! I swear I was pissin' blood after warm-ups! But you know, we went bowlin' after and my arm felt fine, until later probably need Tommy John surgery this year, hope to back!'

They were, to put it succinctly, not exactly the better team in this series. 

And now I will argue to NOT CHANGE ANYTHING!

Remember, this is the same team that peed down its leg in the second half of the season when it started leading the division, while Washington rebounded from that lengthy losing streak around the Winter Classic and clobbered everyone in its path en route to the top seed in the East. No small feat. 

Am I losing it or did he just mention pee?!? Hold on...

this is the same team that peed down its leg

Wow! There it is again! Awesome! Huh huh, cool!

And the reason it was able to do that?

Bruce Boudreau. Pretty much solely.

Well, that's something, huh? So let's clear this up, just to put as simply as possible, you support the following points:
    Point 1: BB was the SOLE REASON the team came back to win the conference.
    Point 2: After yet ANOTHER collapse in the playoffs, he should NOT BE HELD accountable.
Yay!

We saw it, too, in the first round, when the Capitals disemboweled the New York Rangers just like everyone on the planet who doesn't own a Rangers jersey knew they would.

As their entrails seeped onto the ice sheet and whirling giant blur of slime and blubber whisked across the slick surface consuming the very bowels draped in torn blue jerseys! The owner shouted in glee as bloody guts streamed down his glistening bulbous sixteen chins! Oh what a moment!

But things go wrong in the second round, and suddenly a lot of Chicken Littles start pecking around the Caps dressing room asking asinine questions.

The chicken little's grew restless! At once the hutt leader swept them through the underground chamber to their demise at the gorlak while the dancing crowd and jazz fusion band jammed!

If this type of change is being considered, then I'm a little surprised.

Shocked even? Maybe, I dunno, startled? Taken aback? Flustered? Forced to pause and take stock on one's life? Gleamed? Ensued? Alarmed? Engulfed? Seat of said pant or chair? Unless standing?

To be fair, McPhee said he "expects" that Boudreau will be back. (Leading me to believe that the decision might come from a bit higher up the food chain; say, the owner's box). 

As opposed to who? The fucking clan council?! This is a fuckin' crime family asshole, who has resided over this corner of the Tatooine core for centuries now! There is only one hutt at the top of the food chain at all times!

And really, who could do a better job with the Capitals as currently constituted than Boudreau?

Durr! We need Gibbs! Yee-haw!!!

It's unfair to label a guy a choker or say he can't get it done in the postseason when everything but the final score of the games indicates he coaches the best and most efficient team on the ice in not only the regular season, but also all the series they've lost in the last few years.  

Most efficient, in a fucking best of seven series, where they proceeded to lose each of the first fucking four?! To a team they dominated all year? What else, other then the fucking SCORE indicates who coaches best?!? This isn't fuckin' t-ball son!

Again, the playoffs are ruled through the tyranny of small sample sizes. 

This tyranny! This most evil of lords! Presiding over us, his mere peasants! Worshiping his feet from the fields afar! And I'm sorry four years of playoffs at this point is not really that small a sample size.

Boudreau's teams essentially lost three one-goal games (the 4-2 scoreline in Game 1 came due to an empty netter) to a Bolts team that statistically should have failed.

Statistically! What those are, I can't exactly lay out here haha! I mean, that would be silly! I can just say they should have failed! See its all in the stats! What's that, the blog entry is due, shit okay here you go...

These weren't humiliating blowouts — unless you count Mike Green's(notes) doors on the Game 3 winner — but rather skin-of-their-teeth victories that could very easily have gone the other way.


Unless you count the most critical fuckin' game in a goddamn sweep! The only chance we had with SUPPOSED fresher legs and all that shit and we just ignore a giant gaff from a kid who probably shouldn't have even been playing.

 Hell, only one team wins the Stanley Cup every year. And that doesn't even make the coach who Got It Done a genius. 

No fuckin' shit you smug little country club douche nozzle, does that mean we have to go another thirty fuckin' years with incompetence at the helm and let the prime years of a hockey superstar go to waste because barbeque face needs ONE MORE chance?!? Do you really think this team would turn terrible with someone else at the helm? Are you kidding me?!

Fire Boudreau? Honestly?

Yes, seriously, why not. Name one team that would hire the guy? Honestly? Figuratively? Emotionally? Emphatically? Douchetastically? Cuntlickishly? Seriously?

To paraphrase the man himself, "That's really [expletive]in' dumb."

Just a top notch quote there to back up your keep the status quo campaign! Now I'm all fired up!

The Great Window Debate

Yes, here we are, certainly, most presumptively, another avenue, a boulevard of broken hockey dreams, a tourniquet, a noose ever tightening its grip firmly on the necks of our most beloved of organizations! Folks our most peril of moments is upon us! Do we dare take that most giant of steps forward towards possession of the one true cup? Or do we once again pause at the trigger, afraid to take a plunge into the abyss, afraid to find our true selves! Oh sweet local beat correspondent, whatever shall we do?!

Linky

Ted Leonsis has declined interview requests through a spokesman since the Capitals were swept from the second round of the Stanley Cup playoffs earlier this month,

This spokesman later was seen whisked away among chains by two giant battle droids screaming 'save me save me my master is a giant slimy rodent who eats even smaller slimier rodents!'


but on Thursday he answered questions from fans on the team’s website.

Where he followed up a most boisterous chat by consuming their entire entrails with a fresh side of Gorgonzola salad!

Leonsis reiterated a message of patience in regard to the Capitals’ ability to achieve playoff success and stressed that despite this postseason’s disappointment, he doesn’t believe the team is running out of time to win.


For you see, the Hutt measure time by the more standard established Gorgolakian Calender, for within this denomination a mere 3 days have passed since even the organization's inception! This also helps explain the almost demonically slow metabolism they all somehow possess...


“The one that has bothered me is this notion that the pain of losing is because our window is closing,” Leonsis said of the emails and comments he’s received from fans since the loss to the Lightning.

He added, 'also tickling my rear these days is this notion, that I SOMEHOW assisted in the most absurd raid on the rebel guard allying with a most ambitious of galactic empires!' to a somewhat stunned press room...

“I’m a fan. I want instant results."

I demand Ovechkin-walker at once! He has failed me for the last time!


"I feel great disappointment."

Slave! This fried vermin is OVER COOKED! How dare you question the pallet of a Hutt clansman! Do I look like someone who can't tell the difference in fois gras?!?!


"I, too, would like to figure out why can’t we go deeper in the playoffs. It’s really what we’ve been spending time on the last several weeks."

Hmmm.... several weeks even? Wow, let's see here, maybe I can break it down a  little for ya there boss. So let's see here, hockey games are GENERALLY won by the team who tallies the most goals you see, that's when the puck goes INTO the net! Just like that buffet spread went INTO your mouth!


“We’re struggling as an organization translating regular season productivity into longer success in the playoffs,” Leonsis said. “We certainly want to go further than one round.”

Yep, the goal is now clearly to reach the third round everyone! Oh yeah Get your season tickets!

Although he talked about how the Capitals’ internal assessment and introspection has just begun, Leonsis added that the answer for how to take that next step doesn’t necessarily include firing General Manager George McPhee, Coach Bruce Boudreau or trading away the team’s star players.

Sooo... In order to improve....we change.... NOTHING! Great perfect zang zoooms! Scuby snacks!

“I think right now we’re all looking at what do we have to do differently to move forward" 

Leonsis then specified several new training regimens he is instituting around the old Tatooin bar hang out, including three legged races, pin the tail on the marclaar and the always classic pod race around the gorlack.


Leonsis said. “We finished the first round this year and we all felt that we were in good shape. We felt that was the toughest round to get through,"

Ouch! Is that, really what you all thought? Really, like seriously? That doesn't make ANY SENSE on any planet, much less one as barren as tatooine?!? Now come now Mr. Hutt, this is a most absurd premise, even for such a callow fellow! I mean, imagine, a team that ALREADY WON a round in the playoffs would be better then the team you just demolished who only made it in because some other team in some hick town that shouldn't even be in a WINTER sports league lost in some rinky dink blowout meaningless shit where was I?


"And we got swept in the second round. It didn’t feel good."

Leonsis later added that he eased his pain by slipping into a nice mud bath made of the finest Gorlon galaxy grain while sipping leftover batches of Han Solo blood previously drained in Episode 5.

We’re all sitting down to say, ‘What do we have to do differently?’

Gee Wally! I dunno Boss! Maybe head over to the Wizards game?!?

Leonsis said he believed the team’s transition to a more defensive posture mid-season was the appropriate move to make, but that the power play’s struggles may mandate “something major” to reignite the unit.  

Okay here's what we're gonna do, lets make sure Ovechkin and Green skate mandatory two minute shifts BEFORE the powerplay starts so they are EXTRA exhausted! Then, they can skate in circles and make lazy passes the whole shift! HOT GOALIE HOT GOALIE!!

Leonsis didn’t go into specifics about what those changes might entail. 

The man has NEVER gone into specifics about ANYTHING EVER so why should he now?!?

"I don’t think our window is closing,” Leonsis said. 

He also added, "I ate the window," with a really sad face.

“All [youth] does is give us more hope that we can improve our playoff performance. But I do think the team’s young players contribute a lot and will get better because they’ll get more experienced.”

Experience always equals better, you see? This is why the man owns shopping malls.... (What's that, the baseball team what? huh? nevermind)

(insert window slamming shut image)

Spring Break

(Coach BB's luscious Potomac Maryland back yard, beautiful spring afternoon)

BB: AHHHH! This is the life isn't it hun?! Just chillin' here on our rear veranda patio! Oh what's that darlin? You're best bud wants ANOTHER book signed? Haha! Its okay sweetie! I got all afternoon!

MRSBB: Thanks hon! BRB Think those fresh donuts are almost done in the oven!

BB: Ohhh boy! Its goo time!

(His two shitty kids wrestle in the yard)

BB: Now now boys! I told you to settle down!

(Suddenly a knock on the back gate door)

BB: Who is it?

(NHL Player Brooks Laich walks in)

BL21: Hey Coach! Its me Brooksies!

BB: OHHH Come on in my boy, why didn't ya say so! HON! BROOKSIE IS HERE! Hey kids, come see a real live hockey player!

Two shitty kids: Fuck off fat boy.

BB: Ah oh well, come come brooksies, sit down on my reclining lounge chairs! Appletini?

BL21: Oh abso-freakin-lutely! Say Coach, been reading those papers? Keep talking about your job, can you imagine?!

BB: Oh I know sweetie cakes, its all just nonsense.

BL21: Did ya see my quote?! I slipped and said you were a wizard just to see if they'd print that, and THEY DID HAHA OH OH!

BB: I know, what a scream. But seriously, none of that can get out.

BL21 (sad): You're right coach, I know and I'm sorry.

BB: Now now its okay! Just keep that Gandalf the Wide stuff to us!

(MRSBB comes out with a fresh platter of donuts, BB consumes 18 of them)

BB: Hungry?!?

BL21: No thanks! Think I swallowed a bug on the way over!

(Then BB's 1994 cell phone starts ringing violently)

BB: Oh dear! Hang on Brooksies, (answers) Hello its Brucie?!

MG52: Hey coach, NHL defensemen Mike Green here, you asked me to call?

BB: Yes of course! Mikey boy, I wanted to find out how the MRI went?

MG52: Went?! Went, I'll tell you how it fuckin' went! At this rate I'm gonna wind up in fuckin' bellview! My brain is twisted five ways to sunday, I tell ya coach, I haven't been the same since that year I got hit in Juniors against the goalpost. Now my forearm is fuckin' actin' up, I couldnt even finish racketball earlier. Fuckin gout is just crushing my toes and shit, all this cream I gotta apply and

BB: (click)

(Suddenly a pitch dark cloud washes over the yard, a vile mass so large it blocked out the entire afternoon basking sun)

LenosisTheHutt: OOOHHAHGAWEEEE !! sssooooo ere ateradf dsseeest tesreraadd BruuceeyyYyy?! I willeresswws destrerrroy youuuuu!!!!!

(GMGM slithers behind with a chain around his neck)

GMGM: You heard the man, Bruce you're fired! We're going with Cassidy!

BL21: NOOOOOOOOO!!! (dives into swimming pool drowning himself while two shitty kids laugh)

(Bruce has another donut, will that be his last?)

Scrambling For a Topic!

Okay, sure, I know things have slowed down somewhat in this space and other Caps-centric zones of the interwebs, and yes we're all probably still mourning the disaster that befell our fearless gang this spring. And so it seems, in this most unpleasant state of sadness that some dude named Shatzer (yes that's shat, as in the past tense of shit) clearly knows what's best for this moribund franchise! Take it away Shatty McShatterton!

Link about firing the coach yay!

Every 20 years or so, a major D.C. sports team is good enough to win a championship. Right now, the Capitals are that team, and they might need to a make a major move so they can win one before their window closes.

Okay Shatty, kind of a bummer start there huh buddy? I mean, really? We only get to win every 20 years? What about that bumfuck Boston who wins multiples in multiple sports over multiple dynasties? Also, somewhat tricked up here already, so we are 'that team' to win a championship, however we 'might' need to make a 'major move' before we can win one? All that before our 'window' closes?!? So can we win one, we are the team to win one, but we still need to make a move, but our window is closing! GAHHH!!!!

January 26, 1992 was an awful long time ago. I was eight years old, and I can just barely remember it.

Oh fuck I was 12, get out of here! I feel bad making fun of someone so much younger! Haha suck it baby boy Shatty!

An entire generation of D.C. sports fans has been waiting almost 20 years to see one of its teams lift a trophy. Those of us who watched the Redskins win Super Bowl XXVI as kids are now well into our adulthood, and don't have a real grasp on what it feels like to support a champion.

It really is quite taxing isn't it? I mean, to exist amid such pain and anguish! How do we go on?! Nevermind the rising inflation, another housing bubble burst, skyrocketing unemployment rates, next to no job opportunities for just out of college grads, but fuck all that noise we don't know what its like to support a champion! Oh shit I need a therapist!

When will a major D.C. sports team have its next championship?

Right here, right now I go on record and state unequivocally that in 2014 the Nationals will win the World Series behind Cy Young winner Strasburg and MVP Harper. Put that in your sad fucking pipe and toke it Shattyboy.

They made huge player moves at the trade deadline to bring in winners like Jason Arnott and Dennis Wideman. 

Yeah these guys screamed winning huh? Regular Charlie Sheens! I mean, ignore for a fact they were both too damn old and rickety and injured to really make a difference..

They adapted to a new more defensive style of play that's been a proven success in the NHL playoffs. They'd done virtually everything in their power to set themselves up for a long run. 

They even had their coach fast for a whole thirty minutes! He had a brocolli!

The Capitals were the hottest team in the Eastern Conference entering the playoffs.

Always a precursor to cruising through the two month grind of the stanley cup!

No. There's one more change that the Capitals can make. They could change the coaching. For four straight seasons now, Bruce Boudreau and his staff has taken this incredibly talented team no farther than the second round of the playoffs. He's had his chance. Its time to give someone else a chance.

Now now, Shatty, haven't you heard from our fearless leader GMGM, the coach doesn't matter? I mean get real here buddy! Bruce has the best record EVER after whatever number of games he's coached. EVER, in the entire history of the stupid sport. I'm not sure you can can the guy, even though I'd love nothing more then to find him living in a (mercedes) van down by the river!

The window for the Washington Capitals to win a Stanley Cup is closing. The players are getting older

Oops! Lets see a list huh:
    - Ovechkin (25)
    - Backstrom (23)
    - Green (25)
    - Alzner (22)
    - Carlson (21)
    - Johansson (20)
    - Nuevirth (23)
    - Varlamov (23)


Gee those guys sure are old! Man, how do they even manage to make it to the rink in time!


Boudreau is a good coach. 

FIRE HIM NOW BEFORE THE GODDAMN IMAGINARY WINDOW CLOSES!

Maybe he would get them farther in the playoffs next year? Or maybe he wouldn't. 

Maybe I'll write a coherent article this time? Or maybe I won't. Maybe I should have stayed in school and majored in Poly Sci? Or maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should get a turkey club on rye? Or maybe I won't. SO THERE!

I don't take calling for someone's job lightly, but the change I'm proposing is justified. 

But hes a good coach, but you should definitely fire him! Also, McShatty Butt boy whatever your name is, look don't worry too much about this supposed 'calling for someone's job' thing, I mean, its not like your important or anything. You write for a blog! I mean the only form of publication even lower then yours really is some other numbnut on some even more obscure blog making fun of your blog entry... oh wait, shit...

If this was a major corporation and you were given the biggest budget and the best products but achieved the same disappointing results for four consecutive years, you'd probably be fired too.

Couple things here Shatty, first off, there is a shit-ton different between a major corporation and a freakin' hockey team. Secondly, the league has a very strict salary cap so its kinda hard to say anyone in the league is given the 'biggest budget' I mean we're not talking about the 08 yankees here for god's sake.

You'd be replaced with someone different. Not necessarily better in every way, but different.

Really?! Tell us more nostradamus?! Hey I got one, when is this whole 'world end thing' going to happen again?!?

A different voice with some fresh ideas might be exactly what the Capitals need. 

Or at least a voice that can be heard more clearly instead of constantly emanating from a mouth stuffed with calzone!


Ted Leonsis and George McPhee need to make a change to the Capitals' coaching before its too late.

DUN DUN DUN! (movie preview voice guy) In a world....... Where it might already be too late! A leader of the Hutt clan and his trusty ally must make a MOST DIFFICULT of decisions..... THEY MUST CHOOSE WITH THEIR HEART!

They owe it to the D.C. area. 

Such a gutty concept, damn you rich dude who bought a team fifteen years ago, YOU OWE IT TO US. I mean, I'm an asshole who's never bought season tickets and only catch the third period of a couple playoff games but YOU OWE ME mother fucker because the skins and wizards suck.

We've all become emotionally invested in their team, and we desperately want to see them win. The window is closing.

You keep mentioning this swiftly descending window but never really explain yourself. I mean, Ovechkin and Backstrom are signed for another billion years (approximate) so that must be one big ass window to already be closing.

Let's win a Cup before it closes.  

Yeah come on guys! God knows myself and McShatty Buttboy are doing whatever it takes! Its almost like you guys don't actually want to win one...

Because it might be 20 more years before it opens again around here.

Ah yes, of course, a perfect reason. Or maybe it will be 30 more  years! Bwahahhhhahaaa! 

LeVar Learns Semicolons!

Sure, maybe he's an easy target but this is a publication and the printed word is sacred! Or something, anyway, this former linebacker is definitely a voice of wisdom in regards to the local hockey team! A game, unfortunately, that does not actually feature a position called linebacker...

Link

There’s never a great feeling after a series goes the way it just did for the Capitals, but I do not believe this season was a failure.

Well, that would certainly be an interesting theory, of course mostly predicated on one's consideration of the word failure. In this case, from an almost unanimous preseason proclamation, organization wide, the true commitment of the squad was universal, a cup. Last I checked, they did not win it this year.

This season marked a successful change in philosophy; the team successfully adapted to a more defensive style. They came on in the second half of the season and ended up winning the Southeast Division and the No. 1 seed in the Eastern Conference.

Semicolon Count: 1

Quite successful, this full of success change most successfully successes in fully succeeding in adaption; successful.,

Sure, the playoff exit was disappointing, but there also are positives to be taken from this season.

Let's List them:
- Getting swept by a clearly inferior opponent who they whooped up on all year.
- Having big money (i.e. cap eating) player's mostly disappear, especially from the forward crew who couldn't score on a five dollar hooker or some shit.
- Watching key after key player fall to some ailment thus limiting our supposed 'balance' on the blue line.
- Having almost to a man significant drop in point totals.

After losing in the first round of the playoffs last year, this team was criticized for not playing enough defense; well, they changed that.

Semicolon Count: 2

Changed it so well the Lightning almost scored at ease and 'flabbergasted' our vaunted defense.

It will come as no surprise that this year they will be criticized for not having enough offense, and that’s true.

It will come as no surprise that I am a hack football outcast who struck on with some hopeless sports division, and that's true.

Missed opportunities on the power play and the failure of stars to score goals are two of the most-cited reasons for the losses.

Wow, how did this guy never win a cup?! I mean, look how he displays innate knowledge the subject! Continue professor!

I don’t believe that firing the head coach solves the problem; I actually think Bruce Boudreau is capable of figuring out what needs to happen to get to the next level.

Semicolon Count: 3

He doesn't believe? Just got that gut feeling coach! He's capable, based on what exactly? I mean what has he done to prove this supposed 'figuring out' is even remotely possible at this point?

It takes time and patience when talking about building a champion.

And you would know this how exactly? Those three years taking cutback money smoking freshman tail in the quad playing for a grumbling pile of dirt at this point? Those reckless years terrorizing in DC winning countless super bowls? Your most gracious speech while being inducted in the hall of fame when you cried while discussing the influences of deon?

The burdens of building things to last are hard and heavy, but if a franchise is to build itself into a champion, these are unavoidable challenges that have to completed.

I really think LeVar needs to run for President or something, I mean, imagine the insight?! Things are hard, and shit, hm..... they're fucking heavy too! I am a champion!

Ted Leonsis has built successful companies outside of sports. I wonder how many years it took for him to start enjoying the success of the businesses that he built? Just guessing, but I’m sure it was not quick and took time.

Guessing? Its called journalism bro, you have fucking google at your disposal you goon. He wonders, really, Ted obviously built those companies using long established mafia ties with several other families as the Hutts quickly rose to power.

Consistency, accountability, drive, intelligence, trust are all things that have been built and are growing with this team.

What do all of these things also have in common? LeVar possesses none.

Drastic changes could mean disaster.

A swarm of locusts! With mutant growth stingers on all wings! Inflicting the most deadly poison the world has ever known! Men turn to zombies! Women and children are consumed instantly! A fog washes over the land gripping our very soul as the disease spreads and madness, chaos consume all!

The mettle of this team and its fans is being tested right now. This crossroads is where some will choose to support and believe while others will not and condemn.

We are all being tested. My mettle is weak and sucky.

I don’t know what the future holds for the coaches or players, but my thought would be to keep the people around who are dedicated to finding that close-to-perfect balance.

How exactly would one go about measuring another's dedication to finding that close-to-prefect balance? A fucking meta-chlorion count? The force is strong with this one coach! He will bring a perfect balance to our civilization!

Boudreau has shown he can teach both offense and defense; the question is can he teach the balance of the two?

Semicolon Count: 4

Boudreau has shown he can uniquely balance out a diet of both extreme fried and salty snacks with the devilish almost insanity laced enthuse for the sweets, majestic chocolates especially in donut form.

Again I don’t know if he will even be retained, but I know he can coach and I would give him at least one more season to try to find that right balance with strategies and players.

So, you're telling me there's a chance?!

It's Over, Johnny.

Katie, oh Katie, you young innocent lass, feeble almost child-like wanderer, just peering into a deep dark forest of 30 horrible years rooting for this miserable hockey team. A bright-eyed bushy tailed (I heard she does in fact have a tail) local beat reporter just tries her best to document the comings and goings of this miserable franchise. Just too many great quotes though to let this one go:

Do not click link - really horrible image

I told you not to click it, who got a camera that damn close to his face, or maybe the guy was like twenty feet across the room and Boudreau is just about ready to explode.

A day after the Washington Capitals were swept by the Tampa Bay Lightning in the second round of the Stanley Cup playoffs, General Manager George McPhee said he expects Bruce Boudreau to return as head coach.

Wonderful. Praise Jesus!

“I expect him to be back,” McPhee said. “He’s a good coach. Someone said he’s not a playoff coach, there’s no difference between a playoff coach and a regular season coach. You’re either a good coach or you’re not. He’s a good coach.”

This one is really tough to watch, I mean, really George? Is that really your theory now? I mean, I get the whole 'no such thing as clutch' argument to a certain extent, but I really think that theory veers too far into ignoring the human element of the sport, the constant presence of the soul, of the mind, of the 'butterflies' that truly rise up in certain humans under pressure situations. I know in my own feeble experience this can grip the mental, oh fuck this comment anyway there is a huge difference you miserable hack GM.

But as the Capitals returned to Arlington on Thursday to clean out their lockers and conduct final interviews before dispersing for the summer,

'So Mikey, how was your season?''Well, shit my head is still fuckin' ringin from that damn concussion, did you see that puck knock my damn helmet off? Then I stepped in this fuckin' wasp nest cleaning out my grandma's gutters, the fuckers got me good coach, that was able the same time my''ok thanks for comin' in.' 'Ok Ov, good to see you captain, so how was your season?' 'I score goal not much as, playoffs we always lose I think I try hard you never know?''ok Thanks for comin' in!'

there were plenty questions about what changes might happen within the organization that has been unable to advance beyond the second round since 1998. On his personal blog, owner Ted Leonsis said there would not be any rash reaction to yet another stunning playoff exit.

He said this through his tortured language droids he keeps chained to the fence by the gorgolak.

“The best course of action for us though is to let a few days pass;” Leonsis wrote. “Be very analytic about what needs to be improved; articulate that plan; and then execute upon it.”

He also added, 'Han solo is pond scum, I have placed a twenty thousand space peso bounty on his skull and if anyone catches that skywalker, that dasterdly skywalker, I will crush his limbs and serve him with a side of cavier!'

The Capitals’ plan moving forward could include an alteration of the roster through trades or free agent signings,

Here's some FREE suggestions, new: Coach, Assistant Coach - Offense, Assistant Coach - Defense, 1st line RW, 2nd line center, 3rd line left wing, 4th line grinder, 4th line fighter, waterboy, trainer, assistant to the masseuse, secretary, janitor..

but Boudreau’s future has been at the center of discussion.

Shocking development, ooo ooo I know, I got this one! How about he chokes?

The Capitals have made four consecutive trips to the playoffs under Boudreau but are 17-20 in those games. Conversely, since he took over on Thanksgiving Day in 2007, Boudreau has gone 189-79-39 in the regular season for a winning percentage of .679, the highest of any coach in NHL history who has worked 250 games. On Thursday, McPhee reiterated that he believes Boudreau is a solid coach and went so far as to ask reporters if coaching changes “really change things in most cases.”

Solid?! The man is literally a walking jelly donut, he fucking jiggles in a five mile an hour breeze, he's often mistook for a blimp.

For his part, Boudreau wouldn’t speculate.“It’s not up to me to think,'

I couldn't make this shit up.

'Those questions — how can I answer them?” Boudreau said. “And I can’t.

Questions like, how do we score more goals, why is our power play so bad, why can't the defensemen seem to stay out of the way, how does one play hockey, what are good strategies for winning hockey games, how come my players suck balls every year?

And I leave it up to somebody else or I’d go nuts.”

This is not a really great coaching strategy.

Most players, including Alex Ovechkin, declined to comment on the possibility of a coaching change. But Brooks Laich, who has played for Boudreau both in Washington and in Hershey with the minor league Bears, stood up for the coach once more.

Here we go with more Brooks Laich waxing poetic about his coach. Frankly, I'm kinda sick of the both of em, go play in Columbus douche.

“Bruce, I think is just a wizard."

There is no way you can read that without picturing the fattest wizard ever. I mean no way, a fucking wizard, with fucking super powers and flowing beard and all that shit would pound cheeseburgers like that skinny Japanese dude on the fourth of July.

The guy just walks, talks, breathes hockey,” said Laich, who is set to become an unrestricted free agent this summer.

Well, that's not all he does, mostly he eats hockey. Yes ladies and gentlemen, Brooksie forgot to mention he actually consumes hockey puck burgers during games.

“And I’ll guarantee he cares more about this team, about his team, than any other coach in the league. I’ll say that ‘til the day it’s over. That man truly believes in every one of his players and his coaching staff and I think we’re fortunate, lucky to play for those guys.”

Get real dude, the guy's a train wreck every freaking spring, fool me once and you know whatever the fuck.

Over the next several days, McPhee said he will meet with players and coaches in exit interviews, then the Capitals’ pro scouts and ownership to formulate a strategy for how to approach the offseason.

Durrr we give Bradley and Gordon each 2 million! And then..... we sign Greenie to an obscene ten year contract and watch his brain literally ooze out of his head! Then we definitely extend Poti another two years, solid veteran missed him big time this year! Finally, I think we'll trade Carlson and Alzner, they just let us down back there, could swing a great deal!

While McPhee typically keeps his plans close to the vest,

Along with the entire vortex of the universe!

he admitted that during the playoff run, he was already writing prospective lineups for the 2011-12 campaign.

Ha ha! What a douche, is that your biggest concern at that point? Who did you have penciled in George? Some other numbnut that couldn't make the freakin' Avalanche?

“There’s a certain place I want to get to with the team,"

Losing in the third round!

"and I think we have it within our organization to get there,” McPhee said.

Clearly!

“I don’t think we have to go outside the organization, which is nice. So I want to spend more time talking to our scouts about that and what they’ve seen in our young players this year. But we’ve really got some good ones, real difference makers.

So let me decipher this text, in order to WIN IN THE PLAYOFFS, he plans on using players ALREADY in the organization who have NO ADDITIONAL PLAYOFF experience even though they're somehow difference makers...

And that’s something we’ll sort through in the next few months.”

Sorting! Yay! We can order them by last name! No wait I know, birthday! Oooooo Eakin's a pisces!

McPhee said the Capitals are “in no rush to change things” when it comes to their goaltending depth, but with Michal Neuvirth having emerged as the starter and Braden Holtby making himself part of the equation faster than anticipated, it’s becoming a crowded position on the depth chart.

Still feel Holtby is the best one, kinda disappointed we didn't see Varly at all these playoffs. I mean, Nuevy is already signed for a couple more years, shouldn't we have evaluated what we really had in Varly at this point before committing more cash to him?

Sounds like quite the exciting off-season... Where's my noose?

Wheels on the Bus go Round and Round!

Okay, so that didn't go as planned huh? Still feeling okay, here at the blog, hoping maybe, just maybe this sweep will bring some incentive to upper management to at least make some semblance of change to this suddenly glacial like hockey team. Take it away fearless leader!

Ted Leonsis: 'The wheels fell off'

Well, that's not all that inspirational...

Washington Capitals owner Ted Leonsis says he understands that fans will "demand change" after the team was swept out of the playoffs, but he suggests the "best course of action" is to let a few days pass.

As leader of the Hutt's Ted will now return to his regular tasks of consuming large quantities of space varmint, training his latest underground monsters in soul consumption, developing new sets of chains for tying up bikini-clad princesses and working on his anti-jedi mind anti-tricking abilities...

But if changes will be made, coach Bruce Boudreau does not appear to be one of them.

How does this fat fuck manage to sneak by every damn year?!?

Capitals general manager George McPhee said Thursday he expects Boudreau to be back next season.

He expects?! He's the damn general manager! Shouldn't he, I dunno, KNOW? If not him, then who does? The fucking blogging hutt in charge?

Top-seeded Washington lost four straight against the fifth-seeded Tampa Bay Lightning in the Eastern Conference semifinals.
The Lightning won 5-3 in the Game 4 clincher Wednesday night in Tampa.
But McPhee said Thursday he doesn't "see major changes" coming.

So, we got blown out in 4 straight games against a freakin' division rival after talking all year about changing systems and gearing up for the playoffs and bringing in veterans and blah blah blah... After all that clusterfuck of a playoff Mcphee doesn't see major changes?!? What the hell has to happen for a change?! Alien fucking invasion?!

Asked about the possibility of switching coaches, McPhee replied: "Does it really change things in most cases?"

Yep, my brain just exploded. I think it hit the back wall of my shitty office cubicle. Yes, George, its obvious changing coaches NEVER changes things! Why, I didn't realize every other team basically has had the same coach since their inception! Wow, how had I not heard about that yet? If that was the case George, why oh why did you ever fire Butch 'don't call me sundance you mother fucker' Cassidy?!? The guy was pure gold! I once saw him shoot 82 in the team charity golf tournament!

It's the fourth season in a row that Alex Ovechkin and the Capitals lost to a lower-seeded team in the first or second round under Boudreau. His postseason record is 17-20.

NO CHANGES, nothing to see here folks, the coach does NOTHING for a team.

Leonsis wrote on his "Ted's Take" blog Thursday that everyone is accountable, "starting with me."

Wait does that mean we can fire the fat fuck owner?

Says Leonsis: "The wheels fell off for us. No doubt about that."

Thanks hutt for your gripping wheel summary. I wouldn't of known otherwise! Now please, put that fat fuck coach into frozen carbonite before its too damn late.

Balk Time

Well here we are, down 3-0 as I seriously figured would happen the exact night these same lightning beat the pens 8-2. I knew any team that could put up 8 on blysmas defense would be a very tough out and things were lining up for them to be our next opponent. Anyway, here's more stupid stuff from Burny:

YAY LINK

There are few less inviting places than the locker room of a team down 3-0 in a best-of-seven playoff series.

Um, hell? How about, that compound bin laden was chillin' in? Actually, that was probably rather inviting I would presume. What else lets see, downtown Detroit? Or whichever part was the bad part. Or you know, the Congo or some shit.

There are brave faces and fearless talk, but everywhere is the feel of despair. 

That does sound pretty bad.

It was so Wednesday morning in the Washington Capitals' locker room even though there were only a handful of players available, given the team's 4-3 loss against the Tampa Bay Lightning the previous night.

IT WAS SO! Oh Hamletchkin, please save us! This day, for sooth, we find ourselves, that which much forever I, so there I sat. Only a handful of players? What the hell? You guys up so late partying after that rough game? Samplin the bay nightlife?

Caps coach Bruce Boudreau said it's important to look not at the big picture but at the first step.
"You don't think of it as four, think of it as one," he said. "Four seems like a daunting task; one doesn't seem as daunting. Then, if you get successful, you just think of one more. I don't want it to become more than it is. We're all adults and know what the situation is. I mean, we don't have to wake up and go, 'Holy smokes, we've got to play better.' But I have addressed it this morning to everybody. And to the leaders particularly, but not individually, as a group."

I'm almost getting worn out making fun of this guy. Holy smokes indeed. Don't worry everyone, he addressed it now!


We saw defenseman Mike Green walk into the rink this morning, and he seemed to be limping after suffering a lower-body injury in Game 3. He missed almost all of the third period of the 4-3 loss.
Boudreau would not say whether Green would be in the lineup for Game 4.
"I'm not going to talk too much about injuries today. We'll see who's out there tonight," Boudreau said.


Green however was asked later and provided extensive detail: 'yeah you know, mostly this migrane, really its just ringing in my ears man, and I swear I got some kind of blood circulation thing because my feet are like, freezing at all times! And what else, oh shit, yeah my fibula broke, both of em! I don't even remember, might have been from juniors you know bro?'

The coach said he would not consider making a goaltending change even though he said after Game 3 that he thought Michal Neuvirth wasn't great on a couple of Lightning goals. Then, when asked this morning whether Neuvirth was going to start, Boudreau waffled.

He fucking waffled?! Burny, now we all know the gentleman has a SLIGHT weight problem, but there is absolutely no reason to crack waffle jokes at a time like this.

"Maybe. I'm not going to talk about players," he said. 

Wait, didn't he just say his goalie sucked?

One area the Caps must address is the team's play in the third period.  

Gee wiz! Guys, you really need to listen to Burny here! He knows! I mean, the third period even?!? Have you gone mad man?!?

The team has taken just five shots in the third period of each of the three games against the Lightning. In Game 3, the Caps blew a 3-2 lead, allowing two Tampa goals in 24 seconds, and lost for the first time this season when leading after two periods.
"Well, it seems to be a point of contention for us right now," Boudreau said. "It's something obviously that's a flag, and we have to change it."

Ha ha! Now, down 3-0, he's going to change it. Thanks Bruce, any new commercials?

Boudreau bristled when asked whether he thought his job was in jeopardy, given the 3-0 deficit.
"Listen, you guys have been asking me that. But what, is your job on the line? Well then, I don't know how to answer that," he said. "Stupid question. Stupid."

Bristle, huch huch, that sounds like brisket! Boy I love me some brisket!

I really think the only way his job could be on the line if they lose tonight, then its a possibility. Anyway fuck off and die everyone ever.

Definitely Time to Panic

Normally, I try to stay pretty level-headed, on an even keel, with my head on a swivel, (MUST SWIVEL), but really I have to admit to being pretty bummed out on this stupid series with the crappitening (see, how everyone calls us the crapitals, since its so easy and stupid, i can add crap to any team name!)

So when super douche burger with cheese mike 'not really all that' wise, comes in with an article all about smiles and sunshines and dasies and fruit and other happy gay shit, I just have to FJM it to task.

NHL playoffs 2011: No time for the Capitals, and their fans, to panic

Thank god he prefaced with NHL playoffs 2011: otherwise I would of been like a child with no frame of fucking reference. Lets italic this bitch!

The sky-is-falling Capitals fans want one thing written today. Because they’re so used to doom enveloping their franchise every spring, they want angst, desperation, panic. They want, “OUR SEASON IS 48 HOURS FROM MELTING IN TAMPA!”

But I am here to say: Relax.

Its okay everyone! The bald asshole hack told us we could relax! Phew, I was just about to find the nearest ledge and end this miserable existence once and for all. Also, what the fuck does 'Capitals fans want one thing written today' mean anyway? I don't recall being asked what I wanted written, that's your fucking job to figure our stupid columnist guy.

Despite losing its first two games on home ice,

Despite sucking anus and letting some crummy expansion team walk all over them for two games.

this team has got this series — very likely in six games, seven if Ovi and the boys must. This isn’t a bit; in fact, the likely outcome has already been etched in Stanley Cup playoff annals, circa, oh, 2003.

Wait, wahhh? What's he going for here? The annals even? This isn't a bit everyone, HES NOT CHRIS ROCK!

Look it up: Lightning-Capitals, first round. Two games into their 2011 matchup, the symmetry between the two series almost eight years later is almost eerie.

Its a weird wild mystery! It almost sounds like something completely made up in your head!

Back then, an older Caps team beat a young and inexperienced Tampa Bay club twice on the road before the Lightning’s young legs began to figure out a veteran goaltender in Olie Kolzig, and Nikolai Khabibulin recovered from two shaky starts.

Wait a minute, hold the phone. 8 years ago, there was a playoff series with a bunch of players and coaches that are now no longer close to this current series, BUT ITS THE EXACT SAME. You see, they had an old goalie, we had an old goalie. EERY! you can't make this shit up, oh wait that's exactly what he's doing.

A Washington team featuring an aging Peter Bondra was actually hampered by playing back-to-back games on home ice (on back-to-back religious holidays, no less). The 2011 Lightning have to play on Tuesday and Wednesday because of scheduling conflicts with their arena.

Totally the same and applicable!

The Caps never got the bounces after Game 2 in 2003 and lost four straight. Martin St. Louis was just 27, Vincent Lecavalier was a mere 23. Jaromir Jagr, shadowed for much of the series by his Czech Republic countryman Pavel Kubina, scored just two goals while playing with a sore wrist.

Jagr was a bum who had a sore wrist because (insert obvious masterbation joke here) and he sucked donkey balls until he got back to sucking off marios teet.

Ted Leonsis’s strategy of buying someone else’s star to win a Stanley Cup died the night the Caps lost in triple overtime at home, on a goal scored by St. Louis, before a paltry crowd.
“I have to really reconsider the kind of commitment and investment I’m making with this team,’’ Leonsis said at the time. “I’m not a quitter. . . . It was hard to see 14,000 fans. I don’t like the treatment that we’re getting from the building. The party’s over. To play back-to-back games on Passover and Easter Sunday does not help.’’

Leonsis changed his strategy to simply eating any unrulely fans! And starting a blog! Who knew the hutt could blog.

Leonsis and General Manager George McPhee soon backed up the truck, hauled out the garbage and started over. 

They literally had a truck, full of garbage. And Jagr.

With a lockout looming, Leonsis embraced new-age NHL frugality by dumping everybody and building through youth. Then came the drafting of the next NHL superstar, Alex Ovechkin, 

Which they totally lucked into moving up several spots in a lottery. Also totally relevant to an article about how we shouldn't be freaking out down 2-0.

who less than three years later became hockey’s first $100 million player, and was joined by Mike Green, Nicklas Backstrom and Alexander Semin to form one of the youngest, most talented nucleuses ever assembled.

Man, and I thought I was just a fanboy. Wise is clearly baiting us here, looking for support from a town that obviously loathes him at this point. Just take your stupid bald face and go write another article on lebron you loser.

But now, Washington fans, the shoe is now on the other foot: 

What fucking shoe? You clown. Shoe.

That’s another good omen for the Capitals heading south. Outside of both third periods — and a lazy line change in overtime in Game 2 — Washington has outplayed and outshot Tampa Bay. The other difference has been Lightning goalie Dwayne Roloson, who was 21 when Stamkos was born, 41 now and outstanding through the series’ first two games.

Omens! We need omens! I love his next preface, 'Outside of both third periods' wait you mean when the fucking game is on the fucking line?!? Outside of that?! What else is there really? Not to mention we've gone down in both first periods, but lets just ignore that...

Watching Roloson arch his back and hand-pack his own two extra-large equipment bags with pads, gloves and masks, it dawned on me: Wednesday night in Tampa, the old man between the pipes will be playing his third game in four nights.

What they don't even have trainers?! God I hate Tampa, I hate their stupid bay, i hate their stupid state with shitty old people and no taxes and cheap ass housing and ridiculous humidity and fucking hurricanes and cubans picking oranges. Fuck florida and their old ass goalie.

Backstrom can’t stay quiet forever this postseason.

He clearly missed the burnside article and THE QUALITY FJM CRUSHING ON THIS SITE.

Once Ovechkin starts trusting his teammates again and realizing he can’t do it alone, it could be open season on Roloson.

He's been so good at doing that in the past. Haven't they basically written that about OV every year at this point?

Among the ice-time regulars, the Capitals have almost half the number of key players over 30 that the Lightning has on its roster. 

I majored in engineering in college, a really good school too, and that sentence gave me a serious headache and I still don't know which team is younger, or really give two shits. I'm kinda still panicking here Mike..

So save the panic; the tables are about to turn.

Oh shit! Thank god Wise! Now tell me why???

They have to, because the alternative means that eight years after Leonsis blew up the team, his new bells-and-whistles roster is nowhere close to where St. Louis and Lecavalier were in 2003. Worse, it would mean that the young and determined Tampa Bay skaters who directly inspired what Washington has become in 2011 are still better when it counts than the most dynamic young player in the game and his frustrated linemates. It would mean Ovechkin and friends are still not ready. Forty-eight hours before possible elimination, I just don’t see that happening.

So... They have to... (a bunch of shit about disappointment and sucking)... I just don't see that happening?!? You don't?!? With your crystal fucking clear ball?!?

One last piece of symmetry the loyal legions won’t like from 2003.

Wasn't this a 'cheer up caps fans' article?!?

The Lightning didn’t win the Stanley Cup until the following year.

Wow, that's the big symmetry here?

So even after the Caps win this series in six or seven, if this theory holds, they'll most likely have to wait till 2012 to hoist the trophy at Verizon Center. When old-man Roloson is pulled late in Game 4, you will remember these words like you remember the words of the late, great Herb Brooks in the cinematic Disney classic, “Miracle:”
“This is our time. Their time is over.”

Shut up wise, just shut the fuck up. Close your stupid laptop, stop watching caps games, stop pretending to give two shits about hockey and for the love of god will everyone please stop talking about one stupid game from thirty fucking years ago.

And fuck you too Roloson. Thanks for the pick me up Wise now I'm so pissed.

Game 3

BB: Ok guys, lets bring it in here!

(Everyone skates in)

BB: Okay, thanks guys for showing up *wink wink, see what I did there Brooksie, I winked and said wink wink with a star? that means sarcasm my boy!

BL: Thanks ass.

BB: Alright here we go, back to Tampa huh? Who saw this coming? Any thoughts Mikey?

MG52: Honestly Coach, I have no fucking idea. I mean, I'm on like my fourth straight concussion here ya know? My thumb I swear broke three years ago and these dipshit trainers won't fix it, I can't even keep my fucking glove on it. These headaches are really killin' me coach, I was slam dancing last night at the club and the lights kept fucking with me. I swear I got that E-coli shit, had a really rare burger at the cheesecake factory earlier.

BB: Okay, thanks Mikey for the update. Alright, now, again, we're playing the Lightening!

(grumble)

Now we all remember a few years back, remember? We beat the Rangers in seven! Alright, so lets see here, Ov are you here today?

(crickets chirp, backstrom giggles)

Okay, no OV, thats fine, must be a maintenance day.

(Suddenly the boards start shaking violently, the ground begins to tremble and horror washes over the face of each player and assistant coach)

LeonsisTheHutt: AAHHHHHVvagfaassdfd! Sooooooooooooo Bruceyyyyyy, yosuewsfasdsf weras toeehehee hat!

(Mchphee slivers from behind)

GMGM: Welll.......... hello fellows.... (pauses for 50 seconds) so, down 2-OH huh??? Well, as you just heard our fearless leader is not happy!

BB: Gentlemen! Please, I don't think we need to distract the team like this!

LTH: Asdfadsfashhhhhhhsdfs Bruuccccccccccccceeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy!

(LeonsisTheHutt glides across the floor leaving a trail of goo and consumes the coach in one bite)

MG52: Holy shit he ate him right up!

(backstrom keeps giggling)

GMGM: Well you see what happens now? Don't worry, coach will be fine, Ted will have no problem regurgitating once he realizes butch cassidy is busy and can't come coach tonight. (pauses for a half hour) but don't fret, i firmly believe I have assembled the right mix of talented yountster, (pauses for two hours) and seasoned veterans.

LTH: HAHTHAHAHA GMGM! adsfawewwwwwwwwwerasshshshs again!

GMGM: You heard the man! Get to work!

MG52: What the fuck is going on here?