Normally, I try to stay pretty level-headed, on an even keel, with my head on a swivel, (MUST SWIVEL), but really I have to admit to being pretty bummed out on this stupid series with the crappitening (see, how everyone calls us the crapitals, since its so easy and stupid, i can add crap to any team name!)
So when super douche burger with cheese mike 'not really all that' wise, comes in with an article all about smiles and sunshines and dasies and fruit and other happy gay shit, I just have to FJM it to task.
NHL playoffs 2011: No time for the Capitals, and their fans, to panic
Thank god he prefaced with NHL playoffs 2011: otherwise I would of been like a child with no frame of fucking reference. Lets italic this bitch!
The sky-is-falling Capitals fans want one thing written today. Because they’re so used to doom enveloping their franchise every spring, they want angst, desperation, panic. They want, “OUR SEASON IS 48 HOURS FROM MELTING IN TAMPA!”
But I am here to say: Relax.
Its okay everyone! The bald asshole hack told us we could relax! Phew, I was just about to find the nearest ledge and end this miserable existence once and for all. Also, what the fuck does 'Capitals fans want one thing written today' mean anyway? I don't recall being asked what I wanted written, that's your fucking job to figure our stupid columnist guy.
Despite losing its first two games on home ice,
Despite sucking anus and letting some crummy expansion team walk all over them for two games.
this team has got this series — very likely in six games, seven if Ovi and the boys must. This isn’t a bit; in fact, the likely outcome has already been etched in Stanley Cup playoff annals, circa, oh, 2003.
Wait, wahhh? What's he going for here? The annals even? This isn't a bit everyone, HES NOT CHRIS ROCK!
Look it up: Lightning-Capitals, first round. Two games into their 2011 matchup, the symmetry between the two series almost eight years later is almost eerie.
Its a weird wild mystery! It almost sounds like something completely made up in your head!
Back then, an older Caps team beat a young and inexperienced Tampa Bay club twice on the road before the Lightning’s young legs began to figure out a veteran goaltender in Olie Kolzig, and Nikolai Khabibulin recovered from two shaky starts.
Wait a minute, hold the phone. 8 years ago, there was a playoff series with a bunch of players and coaches that are now no longer close to this current series, BUT ITS THE EXACT SAME. You see, they had an old goalie, we had an old goalie. EERY! you can't make this shit up, oh wait that's exactly what he's doing.
A Washington team featuring an aging Peter Bondra was actually hampered by playing back-to-back games on home ice (on back-to-back religious holidays, no less). The 2011 Lightning have to play on Tuesday and Wednesday because of scheduling conflicts with their arena.
Totally the same and applicable!
The Caps never got the bounces after Game 2 in 2003 and lost four straight. Martin St. Louis was just 27, Vincent Lecavalier was a mere 23. Jaromir Jagr, shadowed for much of the series by his Czech Republic countryman Pavel Kubina, scored just two goals while playing with a sore wrist.
Jagr was a bum who had a sore wrist because (insert obvious masterbation joke here) and he sucked donkey balls until he got back to sucking off marios teet.
Ted Leonsis’s strategy of buying someone else’s star to win a Stanley Cup died the night the Caps lost in triple overtime at home, on a goal scored by St. Louis, before a paltry crowd.
“I have to really reconsider the kind of commitment and investment I’m making with this team,’’ Leonsis said at the time. “I’m not a quitter. . . . It was hard to see 14,000 fans. I don’t like the treatment that we’re getting from the building. The party’s over. To play back-to-back games on Passover and Easter Sunday does not help.’’
Leonsis changed his strategy to simply eating any unrulely fans! And starting a blog! Who knew the hutt could blog.
Leonsis and General Manager George McPhee soon backed up the truck, hauled out the garbage and started over.
They literally had a truck, full of garbage. And Jagr.
With a lockout looming, Leonsis embraced new-age NHL frugality by dumping everybody and building through youth. Then came the drafting of the next NHL superstar, Alex Ovechkin,
Which they totally lucked into moving up several spots in a lottery. Also totally relevant to an article about how we shouldn't be freaking out down 2-0.
who less than three years later became hockey’s first $100 million player, and was joined by Mike Green, Nicklas Backstrom and Alexander Semin to form one of the youngest, most talented nucleuses ever assembled.
Man, and I thought I was just a fanboy. Wise is clearly baiting us here, looking for support from a town that obviously loathes him at this point. Just take your stupid bald face and go write another article on lebron you loser.
But now, Washington fans, the shoe is now on the other foot:
What fucking shoe? You clown. Shoe.
That’s another good omen for the Capitals heading south. Outside of both third periods — and a lazy line change in overtime in Game 2 — Washington has outplayed and outshot Tampa Bay. The other difference has been Lightning goalie Dwayne Roloson, who was 21 when Stamkos was born, 41 now and outstanding through the series’ first two games.
Omens! We need omens! I love his next preface, 'Outside of both third periods' wait you mean when the fucking game is on the fucking line?!? Outside of that?! What else is there really? Not to mention we've gone down in both first periods, but lets just ignore that...
Watching Roloson arch his back and hand-pack his own two extra-large equipment bags with pads, gloves and masks, it dawned on me: Wednesday night in Tampa, the old man between the pipes will be playing his third game in four nights.
What they don't even have trainers?! God I hate Tampa, I hate their stupid bay, i hate their stupid state with shitty old people and no taxes and cheap ass housing and ridiculous humidity and fucking hurricanes and cubans picking oranges. Fuck florida and their old ass goalie.
Backstrom can’t stay quiet forever this postseason.
He clearly missed the burnside article and THE QUALITY FJM CRUSHING ON THIS SITE.
Once Ovechkin starts trusting his teammates again and realizing he can’t do it alone, it could be open season on Roloson.
He's been so good at doing that in the past. Haven't they basically written that about OV every year at this point?
Among the ice-time regulars, the Capitals have almost half the number of key players over 30 that the Lightning has on its roster.
I majored in engineering in college, a really good school too, and that sentence gave me a serious headache and I still don't know which team is younger, or really give two shits. I'm kinda still panicking here Mike..
So save the panic; the tables are about to turn.
Oh shit! Thank god Wise! Now tell me why???
They have to, because the alternative means that eight years after Leonsis blew up the team, his new bells-and-whistles roster is nowhere close to where St. Louis and Lecavalier were in 2003. Worse, it would mean that the young and determined Tampa Bay skaters who directly inspired what Washington has become in 2011 are still better when it counts than the most dynamic young player in the game and his frustrated linemates. It would mean Ovechkin and friends are still not ready. Forty-eight hours before possible elimination, I just don’t see that happening.
So... They have to... (a bunch of shit about disappointment and sucking)... I just don't see that happening?!? You don't?!? With your crystal fucking clear ball?!?
One last piece of symmetry the loyal legions won’t like from 2003.
Wasn't this a 'cheer up caps fans' article?!?
The Lightning didn’t win the Stanley Cup until the following year.
Wow, that's the big symmetry here?
So even after the Caps win this series in six or seven, if this theory holds, they'll most likely have to wait till 2012 to hoist the trophy at Verizon Center. When old-man Roloson is pulled late in Game 4, you will remember these words like you remember the words of the late, great Herb Brooks in the cinematic Disney classic, “Miracle:”
“This is our time. Their time is over.”
Shut up wise, just shut the fuck up. Close your stupid laptop, stop watching caps games, stop pretending to give two shits about hockey and for the love of god will everyone please stop talking about one stupid game from thirty fucking years ago.
And fuck you too Roloson. Thanks for the pick me up Wise now I'm so pissed.
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