Sunday, May 8, 2011

LeVar Learns Semicolons!

Sure, maybe he's an easy target but this is a publication and the printed word is sacred! Or something, anyway, this former linebacker is definitely a voice of wisdom in regards to the local hockey team! A game, unfortunately, that does not actually feature a position called linebacker...

Link

There’s never a great feeling after a series goes the way it just did for the Capitals, but I do not believe this season was a failure.

Well, that would certainly be an interesting theory, of course mostly predicated on one's consideration of the word failure. In this case, from an almost unanimous preseason proclamation, organization wide, the true commitment of the squad was universal, a cup. Last I checked, they did not win it this year.

This season marked a successful change in philosophy; the team successfully adapted to a more defensive style. They came on in the second half of the season and ended up winning the Southeast Division and the No. 1 seed in the Eastern Conference.

Semicolon Count: 1

Quite successful, this full of success change most successfully successes in fully succeeding in adaption; successful.,

Sure, the playoff exit was disappointing, but there also are positives to be taken from this season.

Let's List them:
- Getting swept by a clearly inferior opponent who they whooped up on all year.
- Having big money (i.e. cap eating) player's mostly disappear, especially from the forward crew who couldn't score on a five dollar hooker or some shit.
- Watching key after key player fall to some ailment thus limiting our supposed 'balance' on the blue line.
- Having almost to a man significant drop in point totals.

After losing in the first round of the playoffs last year, this team was criticized for not playing enough defense; well, they changed that.


Semicolon Count: 2

Changed it so well the Lightning almost scored at ease and 'flabbergasted' our vaunted defense.

It will come as no surprise that this year they will be criticized for not having enough offense, and that’s true.

It will come as no surprise that I am a hack football outcast who struck on with some hopeless sports division, and that's true.

Missed opportunities on the power play and the failure of stars to score goals are two of the most-cited reasons for the losses.

Wow, how did this guy never win a cup?! I mean, look how he displays innate knowledge the subject! Continue professor!

I don’t believe that firing the head coach solves the problem; I actually think Bruce Boudreau is capable of figuring out what needs to happen to get to the next level.

Semicolon Count: 3

He doesn't believe? Just got that gut feeling coach! He's capable, based on what exactly? I mean what has he done to prove this supposed 'figuring out' is even remotely possible at this point?

It takes time and patience when talking about building a champion.

And you would know this how exactly? Those three years taking cutback money smoking freshman tail in the quad playing for a grumbling pile of dirt at this point? Those reckless years terrorizing in DC winning countless super bowls? Your most gracious speech while being inducted in the hall of fame when you cried while discussing the influences of deon?

The burdens of building things to last are hard and heavy, but if a franchise is to build itself into a champion, these are unavoidable challenges that have to completed.

I really think LeVar needs to run for President or something, I mean, imagine the insight?! Things are hard, and shit, hm..... they're fucking heavy too! I am a champion!

Ted Leonsis has built successful companies outside of sports. I wonder how many years it took for him to start enjoying the success of the businesses that he built? Just guessing, but I’m sure it was not quick and took time.

Guessing? Its called journalism bro, you have fucking google at your disposal you goon. He wonders, really, Ted obviously built those companies using long established mafia ties with several other families as the Hutts quickly rose to power.

Consistency, accountability, drive, intelligence, trust are all things that have been built and are growing with this team.

What do all of these things also have in common? LeVar possesses none.

Drastic changes could mean disaster.

A swarm of locusts! With mutant growth stingers on all wings! Inflicting the most deadly poison the world has ever known! Men turn to zombies! Women and children are consumed instantly! A fog washes over the land gripping our very soul as the disease spreads and madness, chaos consume all!

The mettle of this team and its fans is being tested right now. This crossroads is where some will choose to support and believe while others will not and condemn.

We are all being tested. My mettle is weak and sucky.

I don’t know what the future holds for the coaches or players, but my thought would be to keep the people around who are dedicated to finding that close-to-perfect balance.

How exactly would one go about measuring another's dedication to finding that close-to-prefect balance? A fucking meta-chlorion count? The force is strong with this one coach! He will bring a perfect balance to our civilization!

Boudreau has shown he can teach both offense and defense; the question is can he teach the balance of the two?

Semicolon Count: 4

Boudreau has shown he can uniquely balance out a diet of both extreme fried and salty snacks with the devilish almost insanity laced enthuse for the sweets, majestic chocolates especially in donut form.

Again I don’t know if he will even be retained, but I know he can coach and I would give him at least one more season to try to find that right balance with strategies and players.

So, you're telling me there's a chance?!

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