When a Hutt speaks, the whole world must listen!
Leonsis: Teams add to community’s quality of life
You hear that community?!? Quit bitchin' about your goddamn sub par quality of life! We have a TEAM!!! It's all we need! I don't want to hear about employment rates, debt ceilings, social security or any other stupid depressing BS, no folks, all we need is a team in our life! So sayeth the Hutt!
Long before Ted Leonsis became a successful entrepreneur and majority owner of the Washington Wizards, Capitals, Mystics and the Verizon Center, he was the mayor of a small town in Florida.
Ahh yes, those dastardly Hutts, gaining political leverage to unleash a fury of gang violence! He had miles of Cubans stretched out in the orange fields of a small town in F-L-A pumping out wares 18-20 hours a day! Oh what a time, oh what a life!
More so than any of his other business accomplishments, Leonsis credits that experience with preparing him to become a sports team owner.
Indeed, nothing says 'winning the stanley cup' like managing the budget concerns of Big Joe's Monster Truck n' Tow from Clearwater Florida! I heard Brian Burke used to manage a Wal-Mart!
“I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the social ramifications of owning a sports team."
These space peasants won't drink themselves to death!
"The responsibility that comes with it is not unlike being an elected public official,”
So true, also not unlike mining for rare ores in the sand hills of Tattoine!
“There is a silent majority, and you worry about their needs,” he said.
The Gorlackian government is a most untrustworthy opponent of the Hutt clan! They most certainly have infiltrated our lair with a cunning set of spies!
"It’s your job to be able to filter what each side is saying, but never lose sight that it’s the masses that we have to be concerned with.”
Yes, as Hutt clansmen we must always be aware of the masses! For without the feeble weaklings, who would mine the depths, pick the orange groves, or commit mass murder sprees against our enemies?!
Known for being one of the most media-savvy and accessible owners in pro sports
A savvy only rivaled by his most insatiable appetite for moist rodent!
Leonsis communicates with fans every day through his blog and through email
And a quite slow gorgolak mail carrier!
and said he strives to answer every concern that comes to his attention.
Ted, I really would like those little tropical umbrellas in my mai tai next time I'm hanging out in the space lounge, any way you could make that happen? Also, got any digits for that retractable lipped lead-singer? She really pushes my buttons...
In addition to building championship teams, Leonsis believes that sports team ownership also is a public trust and should be viewed as a higher calling.
Oh get over yourself. You sold some fucking AOL stock and bought a goddamn hockey team, you're not the fucking pope you stupid fat Hutt.
He wants to see his teams bring the community together, in addition to winning championships.
Shut the fuck up, get over the goddamn community. You know what cheers everyone up douche? Winning a fucking cup, that's it. It just is. (please read that last sentence in a really high-pitched Simmons-esque voice, thanks)
“Washington is really an emblematic city, not only for our country, but for the world,” Leonsis said. “It’s a vibrant and growing city.”
Yes for you see, only in this city can change be brought! What's that, another government shut down, well I'll be...
Leonsis identified five factors that define a city:
"Whores, snacks, drugs, jazz-fusion, and slaves"
universities, public space, iconic real estate, media properties and sports teams.
Uh oh, wait, public space?!? Public space? Like the actual air? Yes, and water, land, and the other shit...
He talked about how sports intertwines all of them.
Yes sports is so very critical to my sense of public space!
“Sports is one of the three main drivers of reputation in an educational institution,” Leonsis said.
This is so fucking wrong and depressing on so many levels, I can't even comment on them.
“Selectivity is number one, how difficult is it to get into the school; research dollars is second, and usually a major athletic program is number three."
Wha, the what?!? What does this have to do with winning a cup?? And what does a PRO HOCKEY TEAM have anything at all to do with school? I think Ted has eaten one too many space brownies...
“It’s no secret that the better the Georgetown men’s basketball program does, the more applications there are to attend the school. It’s like a three-hour infomercial when a team is playing on national television.”
And that impacts the Caps how? And fuck Georgetown, like they need another infomercial. The next twenty freshman classes are already spec'ed out by government seats and brown nosed lobbyist brats.
After the death of long time Bullets/Wizards owner Abe Pollin in 2009, Leonsis purchased the team and Verizon Center, which he now calls “public space” for the city.
Public Space?!?! How is that possible Ted? Seeing as how you just ONCE AGAIN raised ticket prices for both teams? Public, but only if you can fork over 45k a year to sit in the nosebleeds?!
“The Verizon Center is now a convener. We bring in 2 [million] to 3 million people [annually],” Leonsis said.
And usually only consume 1[million] to 2[million] people (limbs included) [daily].
“We have to protect and enhance our public space because it’s a big part of the identity of our community."
We can have infomercials! Come one come all! Just ignore the gorlog monster at the front gate, he's harmless WINK WINK*
“When you think of Manhattan, and you ask anyone to name the important pieces of real estate, a top-10 mention is Madison Square Garden. We have the Verizon Center right near the Mall, right near the Capitol, right near the White House. It’s becoming an iconic piece of real estate."
Wait, so in one fell swoop you compare your crappy little corporate named barely 10 year old building wedged between a metro station and china town, to the fucking white house, MSG or the goddamn capitol? Are you mental or are all Hutts this insane?!?
"It activates local commerce.”
Indeed, as soon as I see those crappy outdated glass facades of your Verizon center I have this irresistible urge to re-up my cell phone plan!
Leonsis believes that when people think of Washington, D.C., they now think about the Capitals, the Wizards and the Mystics the same way that New Yorkers think of the Yankees, or Bostonians think of the Red Sox and the Bruins.
Yup, you heard it first folks, Mystics = Red Sox! Suck it Boston!
Leonsis declined to offer many specifics about the Wizards,
Get the fuck out of here, the man declined to offer specifics? Now I've heard everything...
but did express excitement about some of the recent moves made by the Caps.
A bulge in his Hutt pants moved six inches!
“all in hopes of trying to perfect and build a team that the community can be really proud of and that can define its success by bringing our community closer together and hopefully competing for and one day winning a championship."
Yes, nothing helps winning a championship in HOCKEY then bringing the community together! For you see, the Bruins did not bother to get better at hockey, or you know, learn to score more goals, no folks they just had a bake sale! Yep, brownies and cakes for all the little children! I heard Chara makes a mean rice-krispee treat!
There’s no more tickets to sell
But its a public space, all are welcome!
we’ve spent every dollar we can spend under the salary cap in the NHL, and there’s nothing to do other than to provide the fans a team that hopefully can do better next year.
Nothing left to be done! Get your playoff tickets now! The Cup is ours!
" I think there’s trust between our franchise and our fans base that everyone knows that that’s what our goal is.”
Now rock the red you lazy mother fuckers!
"Far from being removed, or adversarial toward the media, Leonsis said he feels more a part of the media, and is aware of his ability to affect people lives."
He feels that way because he ate the media with a sad face.
“Sports plays an unbelievably special role in people’s lives."
Indeed, we can all forget that we toil away each day under the weighty thumb of our Hutt overlords, instead able to focus on the caps! So lucky!
"We’re relatively small businesses, but our psychic footprint is incredibly large,”
Yes, my psychic powers are through the roof!
“I want to bring the community together, and make lifelong memories.”
I want the children to paint pictures of me, I want the great artists to sculpt my nude form throughout the city! Each thoroughfare, every intersection shall bask in the glow of my shining blubber! The people will weep and drop at the sight of my Hutt name!
God, any chance he could sell to Mark Cuban? I mean, fuck the community man, just win a goddamn cup before I'm too old and senile to pick out the puck on T.V.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Follow the Leader!
Welp, here we go gang. Another rousing summer afternoon gleaming news bits and sound bytes from the latest developments at rookie camp (well shiver me timbers!) Oh what a time to be alive! To hear BB's latest musing on all things Galiev! I just wish, in this most down of down-times, this rash of summer rage, this heatwave of extreme boredom, someone would come along with an article all about our new young fearless leadership! A treaty, if you will, based merely on speculation and a most wish-washy of methods, an extensive analysis of what the future may hold! I require a sage! A most advanced mind to plumb the depths and provide a glimpse of the future! Oh cruel world, what may be cast for my beloved of franchises?!?
Phew, crappy article to the rescue:
Linky
"Leaders or followers? We’ll find out"
Ohhh yeahhhhh! Now that, is one badd-asss mother-fluckin title! The Beezzzzzzz Kneezzzzzzzzzz of titles baby. Shit article or great article? WE'LL FIND OUT BITCH!
Since the Washington Capitals ran aground in the second round of the playoffs
THE BOAT HAS CRASHED INTO THE MOUNTAIN!
their front office has had meetings with Alex Ovechkin, Nicklas Backstrom, Mike Green, Brooks Laich — the core Caps, in other words. The subject of the sit-downs? Leadership.
Eh, seems a little vague there article writer, probably went something a little more like this:
Ovechkin, subject? Pussy
Backstrom, subject? Kush
Green, subject? My fuckin' rash is actin up again coach!
Laich, subject? Money and fat wizards, and not necessarily in that order.
Jason Arnott, after all, is gone now.
Oh what a fuckin' blow, how can we ever go on?! To lose some numbnut over-the-hill blowhard who couldn't score in a paper bag full of Eastern Euro whores, what devastation!
So is Sergei Fedorov, the Jason Arnott of 2008 and 2009.
First of all, on what fuckin' planet do you get off article writing guy comparing the GREAT SERGEI FUCKING FEDOROV to some douche bag who played here one goddamn weekend?!? Sergei gave us almost 18 months of pure hockey bliss bringing it night after night rocking the red and single-handedly beating the rangers that year (at least thats how I choose to remember it so fuck off).
So, come to think of it, are Boyd Gordon, Eric Fehr and Matt Bradley — all Capitals of fairly long standing.
Long standing caps who all happened to suck balls and combined for 3 goals last year between various ailments, a totally wrecked back, two shoulders literally glued on at this point, and a face so broken and bloodied that his wife divorced him on the spot (I think).
“The whole discussion was: It’s time for you guys to take over,” general manager George McPhee said Monday at the Caps’ development camp at Kettler Iceplex.
GMGM paused for six hours, then continued, 'yes gentlemen, your time has come. Now I must return to Ted's side for it the feast of a thousand hutts tonight and I SHAN'T be late!'
Or to put it another way: You’re not kids anymore.
Good one article guy! Seriously though, leave the snark to the professionals, like myself...
“That’s right. They’re some of our top players, and they need to be top players if we’re going to have success. It’s about coming to camp in the best shape of their lives …”
Classic GMGM, how to say something controversial without really saying anything at all 101.
(Feel free to read between the lines here.)
Thanks writer douche but I'll feel whatever I damn well want to feel asshat!
“… It’s about taking care of themselves during the season …”
All those ellipses represent pauses of 18-20 minutes from the interview.
(Feel free to read between the lines here, too.)
Goddammit, I'm serious now, stop telling me what to feel!
“- It’s about being coachable. It’s about talking to the other players if they’re not doing the right things and straightening them out.”
Ov: Yo Galiev!!! I have great ganga back at crib my comrade! Come we hit hookah all night with beautiful babes!
Captain Ovie and the others are the stage of their careers where they must become the keepers of the flame.
Rider's of the storm! Keepers of the flame!
In fact, it raises an interesting question: Are leaders born, or can they also be made?
Yep, this is definitely the article I was jonsing for, I mean, imagine the mind that would dare to ask the real tough questions! Such insight! Such wisdom!
As we’ve seen time and again, winning a Stanley Cup is as much alchemy as science.
OOOhhh tell us more professor! Oh I got one, will we ever be able to clone ourselves?!?
When the Caps went to the finals in 1998, Olie Kolzig, their new associate goalie coach, said, “we thought we were going to be back there soon, because we had a pretty good team and a pretty good organization. But we never got out of the first round again.
Listen, Olie, I love ya baby, but you all kinda sucked that year. I mean really, the Sabres? give me a break...
“Sometimes being favored doesn’t always work to your favor. There’s a lot of pressure that you have to live up to. Some guys can play with that, some guys can’t.”
This guy definitely went to coach's lecture clinic!
Yes, there’s plenty of youth on the roster, and the future would appear to be bright, but “that window is going to start closing here,” Kolzig said
And again with the fucking window! I swear, Kolzig reads my blog, that's the only explanation.
“especially with the collective bargaining agreement now and the salary cap.You can’t keep the team together for that long"
Oi, thanks Ollie, way to get us psyched for the upcoming year. I've heard more enthusiasm from a mostly damp blanket...
Olie has his own ideas about the nature/nurture, born-to-lead/raised-to-lead issue.
Get out of here! One of the biggest hypocritical self-centered douchebag over the hill, 'my skillsets are gone but I should be starting 75 games like brodeur' goalies ever has his own ideas? Come on man, get real!
During his playing days, you see, he roomed with Adam Oates and then Halpern — both of whom wore the “C” in Washington
Imagine trying to get through a shower with kolzig running around!
“the impact that Oatsy had on Halpy,” he said. “But Halpy always had that ability to be a leader"
Halpy! Oatsy! Kolzigy! Meet Vokouny! and Ovy! Oh my favorite, Backstromy! Hey you Wardy! You're my boy Bouwery!
“I was always a guy who wore his emotions on his sleeve and was never shy about letting people know how I felt."
Yeah! Like that time I got benched, the team went on a miracle 10 game run to make the playoffs for the first time in a billion years, and I pissed and moaned and tore my nameplate off my locker and went running to Florida!
" But, yeah, I think you’re just born with it. You might be able to learn to be a proper leader, but I think, deep down inside, you have to have that ability. You just need to learn how to do it.”
I tell ya, I could just about listen to Olie wax poetic on anything! I mean, the insight! So let's line things up for our big finish, Olie the goalie says leaders are born not made, what say you article guy?
Ovechkin, Backstrom, Green and Laich have spent the past few seasons in the classroom, studying under Professors Fedorov and Arnott. Now it’s time for their final exam.
Uh, that sounds really weird right after that Olie quote. Did you cut out letters from magazines and glue this article together wrong? And still, their ages range from 24-28, how does this year constitute a final exam?!? I mean, other then Mikey, they all have the next 6+ years together to rock the red!
Are they leaders, or are they just really talented followers?
Are they hockey players, or are they just really talented astronauts?
Are they pimps, or are they just always hanging out with whorish women?
Are they drug dealers, or are they just users constantly pictured hitting hookahs?
There isn’t much riding on it. Only everything.
Snark dog barks again! Oh my, only everything OV! Yeah, no cup and we don't pay the remaining 11 years on your contract son!
So to recap, our title projected a chance to find out: leaders or followers? Our third to last sentence re-iterates this point, by again asking us if we know. I'm so confused, someone lead these goofballs! Maybe we can dig up Owen Nolan's grand-dad to make one last run!
Phew, crappy article to the rescue:
Linky
"Leaders or followers? We’ll find out"
Ohhh yeahhhhh! Now that, is one badd-asss mother-fluckin title! The Beezzzzzzz Kneezzzzzzzzzz of titles baby. Shit article or great article? WE'LL FIND OUT BITCH!
Since the Washington Capitals ran aground in the second round of the playoffs
THE BOAT HAS CRASHED INTO THE MOUNTAIN!
their front office has had meetings with Alex Ovechkin, Nicklas Backstrom, Mike Green, Brooks Laich — the core Caps, in other words. The subject of the sit-downs? Leadership.
Eh, seems a little vague there article writer, probably went something a little more like this:
Ovechkin, subject? Pussy
Backstrom, subject? Kush
Green, subject? My fuckin' rash is actin up again coach!
Laich, subject? Money and fat wizards, and not necessarily in that order.
Jason Arnott, after all, is gone now.
Oh what a fuckin' blow, how can we ever go on?! To lose some numbnut over-the-hill blowhard who couldn't score in a paper bag full of Eastern Euro whores, what devastation!
So is Sergei Fedorov, the Jason Arnott of 2008 and 2009.
First of all, on what fuckin' planet do you get off article writing guy comparing the GREAT SERGEI FUCKING FEDOROV to some douche bag who played here one goddamn weekend?!? Sergei gave us almost 18 months of pure hockey bliss bringing it night after night rocking the red and single-handedly beating the rangers that year (at least thats how I choose to remember it so fuck off).
So, come to think of it, are Boyd Gordon, Eric Fehr and Matt Bradley — all Capitals of fairly long standing.
Long standing caps who all happened to suck balls and combined for 3 goals last year between various ailments, a totally wrecked back, two shoulders literally glued on at this point, and a face so broken and bloodied that his wife divorced him on the spot (I think).
“The whole discussion was: It’s time for you guys to take over,” general manager George McPhee said Monday at the Caps’ development camp at Kettler Iceplex.
GMGM paused for six hours, then continued, 'yes gentlemen, your time has come. Now I must return to Ted's side for it the feast of a thousand hutts tonight and I SHAN'T be late!'
Or to put it another way: You’re not kids anymore.
Good one article guy! Seriously though, leave the snark to the professionals, like myself...
“That’s right. They’re some of our top players, and they need to be top players if we’re going to have success. It’s about coming to camp in the best shape of their lives …”
Classic GMGM, how to say something controversial without really saying anything at all 101.
(Feel free to read between the lines here.)
Thanks writer douche but I'll feel whatever I damn well want to feel asshat!
“… It’s about taking care of themselves during the season …”
All those ellipses represent pauses of 18-20 minutes from the interview.
(Feel free to read between the lines here, too.)
Goddammit, I'm serious now, stop telling me what to feel!
“- It’s about being coachable. It’s about talking to the other players if they’re not doing the right things and straightening them out.”
Ov: Yo Galiev!!! I have great ganga back at crib my comrade! Come we hit hookah all night with beautiful babes!
Captain Ovie and the others are the stage of their careers where they must become the keepers of the flame.
Rider's of the storm! Keepers of the flame!
In fact, it raises an interesting question: Are leaders born, or can they also be made?
Yep, this is definitely the article I was jonsing for, I mean, imagine the mind that would dare to ask the real tough questions! Such insight! Such wisdom!
As we’ve seen time and again, winning a Stanley Cup is as much alchemy as science.
OOOhhh tell us more professor! Oh I got one, will we ever be able to clone ourselves?!?
When the Caps went to the finals in 1998, Olie Kolzig, their new associate goalie coach, said, “we thought we were going to be back there soon, because we had a pretty good team and a pretty good organization. But we never got out of the first round again.
Listen, Olie, I love ya baby, but you all kinda sucked that year. I mean really, the Sabres? give me a break...
“Sometimes being favored doesn’t always work to your favor. There’s a lot of pressure that you have to live up to. Some guys can play with that, some guys can’t.”
This guy definitely went to coach's lecture clinic!
Yes, there’s plenty of youth on the roster, and the future would appear to be bright, but “that window is going to start closing here,” Kolzig said
And again with the fucking window! I swear, Kolzig reads my blog, that's the only explanation.
“especially with the collective bargaining agreement now and the salary cap.You can’t keep the team together for that long"
Oi, thanks Ollie, way to get us psyched for the upcoming year. I've heard more enthusiasm from a mostly damp blanket...
Olie has his own ideas about the nature/nurture, born-to-lead/raised-to-lead issue.
Get out of here! One of the biggest hypocritical self-centered douchebag over the hill, 'my skillsets are gone but I should be starting 75 games like brodeur' goalies ever has his own ideas? Come on man, get real!
During his playing days, you see, he roomed with Adam Oates and then Halpern — both of whom wore the “C” in Washington
Imagine trying to get through a shower with kolzig running around!
“the impact that Oatsy had on Halpy,” he said. “But Halpy always had that ability to be a leader"
Halpy! Oatsy! Kolzigy! Meet Vokouny! and Ovy! Oh my favorite, Backstromy! Hey you Wardy! You're my boy Bouwery!
“I was always a guy who wore his emotions on his sleeve and was never shy about letting people know how I felt."
Yeah! Like that time I got benched, the team went on a miracle 10 game run to make the playoffs for the first time in a billion years, and I pissed and moaned and tore my nameplate off my locker and went running to Florida!
" But, yeah, I think you’re just born with it. You might be able to learn to be a proper leader, but I think, deep down inside, you have to have that ability. You just need to learn how to do it.”
I tell ya, I could just about listen to Olie wax poetic on anything! I mean, the insight! So let's line things up for our big finish, Olie the goalie says leaders are born not made, what say you article guy?
Ovechkin, Backstrom, Green and Laich have spent the past few seasons in the classroom, studying under Professors Fedorov and Arnott. Now it’s time for their final exam.
Uh, that sounds really weird right after that Olie quote. Did you cut out letters from magazines and glue this article together wrong? And still, their ages range from 24-28, how does this year constitute a final exam?!? I mean, other then Mikey, they all have the next 6+ years together to rock the red!
Are they leaders, or are they just really talented followers?
Are they hockey players, or are they just really talented astronauts?
Are they pimps, or are they just always hanging out with whorish women?
Are they drug dealers, or are they just users constantly pictured hitting hookahs?
There isn’t much riding on it. Only everything.
Snark dog barks again! Oh my, only everything OV! Yeah, no cup and we don't pay the remaining 11 years on your contract son!
So to recap, our title projected a chance to find out: leaders or followers? Our third to last sentence re-iterates this point, by again asking us if we know. I'm so confused, someone lead these goofballs! Maybe we can dig up Owen Nolan's grand-dad to make one last run!
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
The Ovechkin Tour
Yes, our fearless captain, the Russian engine that never stops, the whirling dervish number 8 the great, Alex the all-mighty Ovechkin goes forth in effort to survey this North American wasteland in hopes of drumming up support for what now? Ah, so here in full, a most exclusive coup (suck it steinbot) is a running log from this superstar's journeys through a most barren of voyages!
Travel Log: Monday, 11:30am
OV: AHHHHH YESSSSS!!!! Soooo, beautiful women, I am here OVECHKIN!! RAHHHHHHHH
(downs two fifths of potato vodka)
OV: Much better, feel almost human no? So, lovely lady, I am on new tour of U S and A, I am ready to party my ball sack off yes?!?
Babes: Ohhhh Ovieeeeeee!!!
OV: Ahahaha Yes! Russian rocket in pant yes?!?
Babes: Come give us the big one Ovie!!!
OV: Hang on woman, must hit hookah...
OV: Yesss, much better now! I get best dank from good bud Nicky Backstrom! Most righteous from Sveden you see! Ahh the swede, so sweet, so blond and cuddly.
(A knock on the door)
OV: (yells through the peephole) Who is there?
BB: OVIEE!!! Its your coach, Brouce Boudreau!!! Remember me?!? I'm the guy who you know, made you captain even though you can't speak english and never show for practice?
OV: Ah yes, my favorite wizard! Come in Bruce!
(BB rolls into the lavish hotel room stuffing waffles in his face)
BB: Oh Alex (burps) you should see the spread downstairs! A full service waffle station! They even had whipped cream!!
OV: Yes, Ovechkin see buffet, already have six hams this morning.
BB: Great, listen Captain, its time we get going, we have to fly to Dallas today!
OV: Why? I am here, fine hotel room, beautiful babe and Nicky cush, what would I ever need in Dallas??
BB: Its a tour!
-------------
Travel Log: Monday evening, 9:45 pm
(a plane lands on Dallas runway)
(OV in first class)
OV: Yes, flying can be so very taxing...
(BB glares from coach section stuffed in a middle seat)
OV: Okay babes, I think it time for Ovechkin to depart. I have fun trip yes? We make lot of little Ovechkins no? I hope someday to return this land and purchase your father yes?!
(everyone leaves the plane)
BB: COME ON ALEX!
(he eats 22 McDoubles and rushes Ovechkin out the airport door)
OV: What's the hurry Brucie pie?
BB: We can't miss this signing!
OV: This not problem coach, I rent car, see?
BB: OV! What have you done boy?!?
OV: It ok. (downs a kilo of Everclear, drives car off the lot at 145 mph leaving BB behind)
BB: Dammit OVECHKIN!!!
--------------
Travel Log: Tuesday afternoon, 3:15 pm
(another luxurious hotel room)
OV: This trip is become too difficult, mind seem to swim now. Must eat everything here!
(two women feed and blow him simultaneously)
OV: Now where is that stupid coach?!?
(A phone rings)
OV: Helloooooooo?!?! It is I, the mighty Ovechkin! Who dare disturb the silent repent of my lair?!
MG52: Yo Ovechkin! Mike Green here, NHL defensemen, what's up my bro-seph?!?
OV: Ahhhh Mikey! The Mike dog! Pass the Mike stand!
MG52: What up my captain?
OV: Nothing is up my comrade, just on U S and A tour with the big man!
MG52: Damn they got you out on the road? That is some bullshit am I right bro??!?
OV: Yes always right my good bud, how is that new woman you meet?
MG52: Not bad man, just found out last night she's actually a tranny, but its all good, you know what I say, waste not want not!
OV: Haha oh yes!
(downs entire vat of russian whiskey)
MG52: Yeah man, just callin' to check in. Heading up to the OP later today, gettin' that damn 50 inch mole removed FINALLY. I mean, come on doc, I've had these symptoms for like three weeks now!
OV: Yes, Ovechkin know this, keep little Mikey in prayer no?
MG52: Much appreciated bro, also gettin' an MRI done, think my skull has a leak, probably when that 12 foot tapeworm crawled into my ear that night we bagged those four locals on St. Tomas....
OV: Ah yes, what a night!
MG52: Aight my man, I gotta bounce you be safe out there!
OV: Yes, always, peace bro.
(they hang up)
-------------------
Travel Log: Wednesday night, 7:50 pm Someplace cold in Canada
OV: Ohhh yeah baby! Such great party here in north! Gotta keep my ear warm though!
Babes: Ohhh Ovie!!!!
OV: Yeah yeah yeah! You know I am pussy magnet!
(fingerbangs two chicks)
OV: I am rock star!
(coach is standing by the buffet spread)
BB: Dammit Ovechkin! We have very important people to meet on this tour!
(enhales 28 pounds of barbeque spareribs)
OV: It ok coach! Have more dinner, you look famish!
BB: Good point.
(swallows a pig whole and then bursts)
OV: Oh no! Now coach has died! Ovechkin very sad!
Babes: OH OVIE COME BACK TO BED!
OV: Well if I have to, I am sure coach would have wanted me to have most fun before season start anyway! That it, no more tour, I must return home with 45 beautiful babe for great feast!
(hits the hookah and trips over boudreau's decomposing body)
OV: SOMEONE CLEAN THIS SHIT UP!
(the end, or not?)
Travel Log: Monday, 11:30am
OV: AHHHHH YESSSSS!!!! Soooo, beautiful women, I am here OVECHKIN!! RAHHHHHHHH
(downs two fifths of potato vodka)
OV: Much better, feel almost human no? So, lovely lady, I am on new tour of U S and A, I am ready to party my ball sack off yes?!?
Babes: Ohhhh Ovieeeeeee!!!
OV: Ahahaha Yes! Russian rocket in pant yes?!?
Babes: Come give us the big one Ovie!!!
OV: Hang on woman, must hit hookah...
OV: Yesss, much better now! I get best dank from good bud Nicky Backstrom! Most righteous from Sveden you see! Ahh the swede, so sweet, so blond and cuddly.
(A knock on the door)
OV: (yells through the peephole) Who is there?
BB: OVIEE!!! Its your coach, Brouce Boudreau!!! Remember me?!? I'm the guy who you know, made you captain even though you can't speak english and never show for practice?
OV: Ah yes, my favorite wizard! Come in Bruce!
(BB rolls into the lavish hotel room stuffing waffles in his face)
BB: Oh Alex (burps) you should see the spread downstairs! A full service waffle station! They even had whipped cream!!
OV: Yes, Ovechkin see buffet, already have six hams this morning.
BB: Great, listen Captain, its time we get going, we have to fly to Dallas today!
OV: Why? I am here, fine hotel room, beautiful babe and Nicky cush, what would I ever need in Dallas??
BB: Its a tour!
-------------
Travel Log: Monday evening, 9:45 pm
(a plane lands on Dallas runway)
(OV in first class)
OV: Yes, flying can be so very taxing...
(BB glares from coach section stuffed in a middle seat)
OV: Okay babes, I think it time for Ovechkin to depart. I have fun trip yes? We make lot of little Ovechkins no? I hope someday to return this land and purchase your father yes?!
(everyone leaves the plane)
BB: COME ON ALEX!
(he eats 22 McDoubles and rushes Ovechkin out the airport door)
OV: What's the hurry Brucie pie?
BB: We can't miss this signing!
OV: This not problem coach, I rent car, see?
BB: OV! What have you done boy?!?
OV: It ok. (downs a kilo of Everclear, drives car off the lot at 145 mph leaving BB behind)
BB: Dammit OVECHKIN!!!
--------------
Travel Log: Tuesday afternoon, 3:15 pm
(another luxurious hotel room)
OV: This trip is become too difficult, mind seem to swim now. Must eat everything here!
(two women feed and blow him simultaneously)
OV: Now where is that stupid coach?!?
(A phone rings)
OV: Helloooooooo?!?! It is I, the mighty Ovechkin! Who dare disturb the silent repent of my lair?!
MG52: Yo Ovechkin! Mike Green here, NHL defensemen, what's up my bro-seph?!?
OV: Ahhhh Mikey! The Mike dog! Pass the Mike stand!
MG52: What up my captain?
OV: Nothing is up my comrade, just on U S and A tour with the big man!
MG52: Damn they got you out on the road? That is some bullshit am I right bro??!?
OV: Yes always right my good bud, how is that new woman you meet?
MG52: Not bad man, just found out last night she's actually a tranny, but its all good, you know what I say, waste not want not!
OV: Haha oh yes!
(downs entire vat of russian whiskey)
MG52: Yeah man, just callin' to check in. Heading up to the OP later today, gettin' that damn 50 inch mole removed FINALLY. I mean, come on doc, I've had these symptoms for like three weeks now!
OV: Yes, Ovechkin know this, keep little Mikey in prayer no?
MG52: Much appreciated bro, also gettin' an MRI done, think my skull has a leak, probably when that 12 foot tapeworm crawled into my ear that night we bagged those four locals on St. Tomas....
OV: Ah yes, what a night!
MG52: Aight my man, I gotta bounce you be safe out there!
OV: Yes, always, peace bro.
(they hang up)
-------------------
Travel Log: Wednesday night, 7:50 pm Someplace cold in Canada
OV: Ohhh yeah baby! Such great party here in north! Gotta keep my ear warm though!
Babes: Ohhh Ovie!!!!
OV: Yeah yeah yeah! You know I am pussy magnet!
(fingerbangs two chicks)
OV: I am rock star!
(coach is standing by the buffet spread)
BB: Dammit Ovechkin! We have very important people to meet on this tour!
(enhales 28 pounds of barbeque spareribs)
OV: It ok coach! Have more dinner, you look famish!
BB: Good point.
(swallows a pig whole and then bursts)
OV: Oh no! Now coach has died! Ovechkin very sad!
Babes: OH OVIE COME BACK TO BED!
OV: Well if I have to, I am sure coach would have wanted me to have most fun before season start anyway! That it, no more tour, I must return home with 45 beautiful babe for great feast!
(hits the hookah and trips over boudreau's decomposing body)
OV: SOMEONE CLEAN THIS SHIT UP!
(the end, or not?)
Friday, July 1, 2011
Let the Frenzy Begin!
Ahhh yessss! Here we are folks! Yep, Canada day! Oh wait, sorry just watchin' the TSN feed (cough) I mean working! Hardy har har, so in between segments on Winnipeg, Vancouver, Toronto and Montreal updates, I will be posting like a crazy lucky cap fan I portend to be! Yes folks, here we go! First article, our sweet lovely columnist checks in yet again. Oh Katie, where art though??
Link
Washington Capitals owner Ted Leonsis went on his blog this week to talk about the team’s efforts to retool its lineup this offseason.
Well well, back to the blog huh? While running multiple sports franchises, a tri-galaxy drug kingpin, maintain the slave fields in the distant moon of Joirjegon, this man still manages to post often for us fans! Just amazing, the way the Hutts just keep those slimey noses to the grindstone!
“We want to keep some players. We want to sign some players,” Leonsis wrote, then added that fans should “not be surprised if you see some trades.”
Doesn't anyone want JaVale McGee?!?
“We want to change and improve,” he said.
And to remain consistent, and to give two year extensions to every broken down old fuck in uniform!
With free agency opening at noon Friday, General Manager George McPhee said he doesn’t expect Washington to act rashly
He uttered after pausing mid phrase for three hours!
and team officials have given no sign one way or the other about their plans.
Trust me, if any team official, WHATSOEVER, leaked any information to a most evil media, they would be hastened into the underground cave for a most grave of conclusion!
there has been plenty of talk about a potential shake-up that could include some of the “young guns” who have been mainstays in the Capitals’ lineup in recent seasons.
Don't disturb the young guns!
Before Brooks Laich signed a six-year contract extension worth $27 million Tuesday
Or... before our dumbass GM gave this douchebag a cap crippling contract to a guy who barely topped 15 fucking goals all last year getting top six minutes and pp time, yes lets sign him right to the moment his groin goes.
the veteran and dressing room leader said he sat down with management to discuss concerns he had about the team’s future and chemistry.
Oh shut up you stupid kiss ass, go change another tire you fucking boyscout.
"I think, this year, there’s got to be a lot more accountability among our players to each other, to the coaches,” Laich said.
Hello glass house, meet stone.
“It’s up to every single player — doesn’t matter how much you make, how long you’ve been here or what your name is — to practice as hard as they can, to practice as a team, to work as a team.”
So, in other words, OVECHKIN YOU SUCK ASS!
“I think it’s a pretty thin group,” McPhee said of this year’s free agents. “Somebody’s going to spend too much money on free agents, and I’m glad it’s not going to be us. We’re in pretty good shape at this point.”
GREAT SHAPE EVERYONE! Yup, you heard it here first, we are in good shape, I had no idea! So, the hutt says 'we want to change and improve' and his gm lackey says 'were in pretty good shape' I am so fuckin' confused right now.
When asked about the possibility of Varlamov leaving, though, McPhee said Washington was committed to its young netminders. “It’s either the three we have, or the two we have.”
'Or the six we have, or the thirteen we have, for you see any number you speak, I say we have it. Everything is perfect, I am a perfect GM, I will now pause for 20 minutes before continu...........ing this conversation. I have more knowledge in my left pinky finger, ringed of course, then the entire media sprawl. We have every goalie in the planet, so do not ask me about goalies, or players, or hockey teams in general.'
“There isn’t a right or wrong answer to how to develop and support young goaltenders,” NHL Network analyst Kevin Weekes said.
He later added, 'sheeeeeeeeeitttttttt, that ovechtickins dudee is the beeesttttt. daaaaaaaamnnnnn nigggaaaaaa that GMGM dude is one crazzzzyyyyyy mofo!
“The Capitals have seemed to face the question of will they bring in a veteran for a few years now — but they haven’t yet and are in a position most teams in the league envy.”
Yes, the entire league just weeps in our presence!
Capitals note: Washington bought out defenseman Tyler Sloan on Thursday, a move that will result in a salary cap hit of $233,333 each of the next two seasons.
GAHHHHHHH!!! NOOOOOO@!!!! How can that be just a mere footnote at the end of a long ass article?!?! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!!!!! Oh Tyler, where for art though my sweet prince!!! First Flash, now TFS, I might as well close the blog. That's it everyone, pack it up, board the windows, kill the pig. This is our darkest day folks, please, I just can't take it anymore. Maybe I can be a ligtehining fan....
Link
Washington Capitals owner Ted Leonsis went on his blog this week to talk about the team’s efforts to retool its lineup this offseason.
Well well, back to the blog huh? While running multiple sports franchises, a tri-galaxy drug kingpin, maintain the slave fields in the distant moon of Joirjegon, this man still manages to post often for us fans! Just amazing, the way the Hutts just keep those slimey noses to the grindstone!
“We want to keep some players. We want to sign some players,” Leonsis wrote, then added that fans should “not be surprised if you see some trades.”
Doesn't anyone want JaVale McGee?!?
“We want to change and improve,” he said.
And to remain consistent, and to give two year extensions to every broken down old fuck in uniform!
With free agency opening at noon Friday, General Manager George McPhee said he doesn’t expect Washington to act rashly
He uttered after pausing mid phrase for three hours!
and team officials have given no sign one way or the other about their plans.
Trust me, if any team official, WHATSOEVER, leaked any information to a most evil media, they would be hastened into the underground cave for a most grave of conclusion!
there has been plenty of talk about a potential shake-up that could include some of the “young guns” who have been mainstays in the Capitals’ lineup in recent seasons.
Don't disturb the young guns!
Before Brooks Laich signed a six-year contract extension worth $27 million Tuesday
Or... before our dumbass GM gave this douchebag a cap crippling contract to a guy who barely topped 15 fucking goals all last year getting top six minutes and pp time, yes lets sign him right to the moment his groin goes.
the veteran and dressing room leader said he sat down with management to discuss concerns he had about the team’s future and chemistry.
Oh shut up you stupid kiss ass, go change another tire you fucking boyscout.
"I think, this year, there’s got to be a lot more accountability among our players to each other, to the coaches,” Laich said.
Hello glass house, meet stone.
“It’s up to every single player — doesn’t matter how much you make, how long you’ve been here or what your name is — to practice as hard as they can, to practice as a team, to work as a team.”
So, in other words, OVECHKIN YOU SUCK ASS!
“I think it’s a pretty thin group,” McPhee said of this year’s free agents. “Somebody’s going to spend too much money on free agents, and I’m glad it’s not going to be us. We’re in pretty good shape at this point.”
GREAT SHAPE EVERYONE! Yup, you heard it here first, we are in good shape, I had no idea! So, the hutt says 'we want to change and improve' and his gm lackey says 'were in pretty good shape' I am so fuckin' confused right now.
When asked about the possibility of Varlamov leaving, though, McPhee said Washington was committed to its young netminders. “It’s either the three we have, or the two we have.”
'Or the six we have, or the thirteen we have, for you see any number you speak, I say we have it. Everything is perfect, I am a perfect GM, I will now pause for 20 minutes before continu...........ing this conversation. I have more knowledge in my left pinky finger, ringed of course, then the entire media sprawl. We have every goalie in the planet, so do not ask me about goalies, or players, or hockey teams in general.'
“There isn’t a right or wrong answer to how to develop and support young goaltenders,” NHL Network analyst Kevin Weekes said.
He later added, 'sheeeeeeeeeitttttttt, that ovechtickins dudee is the beeesttttt. daaaaaaaamnnnnn nigggaaaaaa that GMGM dude is one crazzzzyyyyyy mofo!
“The Capitals have seemed to face the question of will they bring in a veteran for a few years now — but they haven’t yet and are in a position most teams in the league envy.”
Yes, the entire league just weeps in our presence!
Capitals note: Washington bought out defenseman Tyler Sloan on Thursday, a move that will result in a salary cap hit of $233,333 each of the next two seasons.
GAHHHHHHH!!! NOOOOOO@!!!! How can that be just a mere footnote at the end of a long ass article?!?! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!!!!! Oh Tyler, where for art though my sweet prince!!! First Flash, now TFS, I might as well close the blog. That's it everyone, pack it up, board the windows, kill the pig. This is our darkest day folks, please, I just can't take it anymore. Maybe I can be a ligtehining fan....
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