Travel Log: Monday, 11:30am
OV: AHHHHH YESSSSS!!!! Soooo, beautiful women, I am here OVECHKIN!! RAHHHHHHHH
(downs two fifths of potato vodka)
OV: Much better, feel almost human no? So, lovely lady, I am on new tour of U S and A, I am ready to party my ball sack off yes?!?
Babes: Ohhhh Ovieeeeeee!!!
OV: Ahahaha Yes! Russian rocket in pant yes?!?
Babes: Come give us the big one Ovie!!!
OV: Hang on woman, must hit hookah...
OV: Yesss, much better now! I get best dank from good bud Nicky Backstrom! Most righteous from Sveden you see! Ahh the swede, so sweet, so blond and cuddly.
(A knock on the door)
OV: (yells through the peephole) Who is there?
BB: OVIEE!!! Its your coach, Brouce Boudreau!!! Remember me?!? I'm the guy who you know, made you captain even though you can't speak english and never show for practice?
OV: Ah yes, my favorite wizard! Come in Bruce!
(BB rolls into the lavish hotel room stuffing waffles in his face)
BB: Oh Alex (burps) you should see the spread downstairs! A full service waffle station! They even had whipped cream!!
OV: Yes, Ovechkin see buffet, already have six hams this morning.
BB: Great, listen Captain, its time we get going, we have to fly to Dallas today!
OV: Why? I am here, fine hotel room, beautiful babe and Nicky cush, what would I ever need in Dallas??
BB: Its a tour!
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Travel Log: Monday evening, 9:45 pm
(a plane lands on Dallas runway)
(OV in first class)
OV: Yes, flying can be so very taxing...
(BB glares from coach section stuffed in a middle seat)
OV: Okay babes, I think it time for Ovechkin to depart. I have fun trip yes? We make lot of little Ovechkins no? I hope someday to return this land and purchase your father yes?!
(everyone leaves the plane)
BB: COME ON ALEX!
(he eats 22 McDoubles and rushes Ovechkin out the airport door)
OV: What's the hurry Brucie pie?
BB: We can't miss this signing!
OV: This not problem coach, I rent car, see?
BB: OV! What have you done boy?!?
OV: It ok. (downs a kilo of Everclear, drives car off the lot at 145 mph leaving BB behind)
BB: Dammit OVECHKIN!!!
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Travel Log: Tuesday afternoon, 3:15 pm
(another luxurious hotel room)
OV: This trip is become too difficult, mind seem to swim now. Must eat everything here!
(two women feed and blow him simultaneously)
OV: Now where is that stupid coach?!?
(A phone rings)
OV: Helloooooooo?!?! It is I, the mighty Ovechkin! Who dare disturb the silent repent of my lair?!
MG52: Yo Ovechkin! Mike Green here, NHL defensemen, what's up my bro-seph?!?
OV: Ahhhh Mikey! The Mike dog! Pass the Mike stand!
MG52: What up my captain?
OV: Nothing is up my comrade, just on U S and A tour with the big man!
MG52: Damn they got you out on the road? That is some bullshit am I right bro??!?
OV: Yes always right my good bud, how is that new woman you meet?
MG52: Not bad man, just found out last night she's actually a tranny, but its all good, you know what I say, waste not want not!
OV: Haha oh yes!
(downs entire vat of russian whiskey)
MG52: Yeah man, just callin' to check in. Heading up to the OP later today, gettin' that damn 50 inch mole removed FINALLY. I mean, come on doc, I've had these symptoms for like three weeks now!
OV: Yes, Ovechkin know this, keep little Mikey in prayer no?
MG52: Much appreciated bro, also gettin' an MRI done, think my skull has a leak, probably when that 12 foot tapeworm crawled into my ear that night we bagged those four locals on St. Tomas....
OV: Ah yes, what a night!
MG52: Aight my man, I gotta bounce you be safe out there!
OV: Yes, always, peace bro.
(they hang up)
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Travel Log: Wednesday night, 7:50 pm Someplace cold in Canada
OV: Ohhh yeah baby! Such great party here in north! Gotta keep my ear warm though!
Babes: Ohhh Ovie!!!!
OV: Yeah yeah yeah! You know I am pussy magnet!
(fingerbangs two chicks)
OV: I am rock star!
(coach is standing by the buffet spread)
BB: Dammit Ovechkin! We have very important people to meet on this tour!
(enhales 28 pounds of barbeque spareribs)
OV: It ok coach! Have more dinner, you look famish!
BB: Good point.
(swallows a pig whole and then bursts)
OV: Oh no! Now coach has died! Ovechkin very sad!
Babes: OH OVIE COME BACK TO BED!
OV: Well if I have to, I am sure coach would have wanted me to have most fun before season start anyway! That it, no more tour, I must return home with 45 beautiful babe for great feast!
(hits the hookah and trips over boudreau's decomposing body)
OV: SOMEONE CLEAN THIS SHIT UP!
(the end, or not?)
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