Well, it has come to this. Everyone's favorite punching bag, Michael 'code name mister wonderful' Bradley has some parting shots for his former mates. What a shocking reprieve! I mean, amidst this slowest of off-season months, here comes a giant douche-bag out of the blue sweeping in with ridiculous accusations and actual honest name calling! And here I thought all hockey players had suddenly morphed into crosby-3p0 robots with regards to interviews, here comes a super numb-nut hypocrite to blast his old team on a shitty radio show! If only we had some NON-TERRORIST columnist reporter guy who kinda sorta covers the local hockey team, but don't tell his buddies down at the Y or Wilbon...
YayLink
On Hockey: Matt Bradley is spot on with critical comments about Capitals, Alexander Semin
That's the lead in case you're way too lazy to click the link (can't say I blame ya). So here we go, nice of tarikivadabab to take a stand this early on...
For the better part of three months, various members of the Washington Capitals have tiptoed around the issues afflicting the team.
Indeed, their unflinching ability to dodge any and all inquires on the ever burgeoning waistline of their fearless leader is truly remarkable!
They’d mention leadership, commitment and discipline, but nothing specific enough to explain yet another postseason collapse.
It is possible, that gasp! they all collectively sucked dogshit in the playoffs to the point where they can no longer offer any sort of critique while still employed with said team.
On Wednesday, though, former Capital Matt Bradley stopped speaking in generalities and took the issues head on.
Well bully for you! What's the matter punchy, got ya panties in a wad brother?
Among them were the team’s lack of discipline, Alexander Semin’s lack of effort and a caste system that rewards underperforming stars.
Underperforming! Ha-ha-ha! Eleven points, eleven, yes just one more then ten, but oh, let's see here, one less then twelve. Eleven fucking points.
“I mean, there’s reasons why,” said Bradley, who signed with the Florida Panthers in July as an unrestricted free agent.
Such as, your inability to contribute in a positive manner in the scoring column? Let's see, your stellar -3 shows a clear knack for the defensive side of the coin! I'm sure you played most of your minutes against Crosby right chief?
“We had some guys who didn’t show up in the playoffs, and I’ll leave them unnamed."
9 games, 0 goals, 0 assists, -3. It's okay brah, you can just name yourself, no one will mind.
"I think our locker room was maybe a little bit too nonchalant, and guys weren’t disciplined the way they should have been."
Possibly a cheap shot but check the link, a video on the CAPITALS WEBSITE where the entire team names Sir Bradley the BIGGEST PRANKSTER IN THE FUCKING LOCKERROOM!>!>!!>!(!#(!
“Those two things,” he added, “are big things.”
Unless, you know, another two things, which may be not so big, but still things, and then those four things which are of varying size, but all mostly big. Well then you have four things, which are big things, I think.
If anyone knows, it’s Bradley.
Indeed, I always go to the guy either playing 6 minutes a night, out with another bloodied melon, or sitting in the press box while Jay freakin' Beagle gets some playing time, to gather the pulse of the room!
He was here for the rebuild.
So he got a ton of minutes when the team sucked ass, good point.
He was a vital part of the team that claimed the Presidents’ Trophy in the 2009-10 season.
Clearly, his ten goals represented 1/31.3 or a whopping 3 percent of the total for the team! So, so vital...
He was in the dressing room and the team meetings as each of the past two postseasons came to a grisly end.
He was snappin' towels!
And the 33-year-old winger’s comments Tuesday were in line with what those on the outside have suspected for years.
Who?!?! Who are these 'outsiders' commenting in line? Is it you, you terrorist son of a bitch?!?
“It wasn’t like guys were going out the night before a game."
He added, 'yeah you know, Ovie and Backy are so stoned they can hardly get off the couch!'
" It was not being ready to practice or missing practice with questionable injuries. Not being focused.”
Dude, you try staying focused when you are Russian superstar! Those blond twats don't twiddle themselves!!
Then, Bradley took aim at Semin.
Okay, listen here sonny boy, this here is a goddamn family newspaper, and I'LL BE DAMNED if I'm going to stand here and watch you print this garbage about shooting loads and taking aim! Now that's enough! Did you just call in a bomb threat?
“I don’t mind saying Alexander Semin’s name,"
Because he doesn't speak english? Because it's really silly to say?
"because he’s one guy who has so much talent, he could easily be the best player in the league, and just for whatever reason, just doesn’t care,” Bradley said.
Classic butter job, yeah I'm sure the guy who potted 58 points to your 11 really doesn't give a shit. Go fuck off Brads, everyone sucked last year quit throwing sasha under the bus because he didn't laugh at your idiot frat-boy pranks.
“You need him to be your best player, or one of your best players, and when he doesn’t show up, you almost get the sense that he wants to be back in Russia.”
I almost get the sense that you're so fucking bitter that only the fucking Panthers would give you a contract to MAYBE get time on their checking line.
Semin scored four goals in Washington’s first six playoff games last spring, but mustered only an assist in Games 2-4 vs. the Lightning.
See, Tarik here will most conveniently fail to mention any statistics with regards to his new found butt boy Bradley. Mustered only an assist, fuck off Tarikavaabbab..
His performance in Washington’s collapse was so lackluster, Russia did not extend an invitation for him to join Alex Ovechkin and the rest of the national team for the world championships.
And you know this how...
Bradley also criticized the Capitals’ caste system in which star players skip practice, escape criticism and continue to receive ample ice time despite repeated on-ice transgressions.
Hey Punchy next time you want playing time why don't you try scoring more goals.
It never seemed right, but now we’ve a former team leader saying as much.
Leader my balls, and what kind of paragraph is that tarikvalabadbd? I mean really, who is this proverbial 'It' that clearly has judged this organization so harshly?!
“But I think in the end, if you want to win, sometimes you have to sit some of those guys down and maybe send a message and try to get them going.”
Yeah! Nothing gets a guy going like being benched! Explain more oh great one! Here's a tip, if you want to win you need to score goals! Unlike, you know that 0-0-0 you tossed up in 9 playoff games...
On the subject of Ovechkin, Bradley called his former captain “all in” — a reference to how hard he plays and his commitment on the ice.
Trust me, that's not why they call him 'all-in'...
Bradley did, however, say Ovechkin “has some growing up to do as far as taking care of himself.”
OMGBBQWTF Didn't you see that hookah photo?!?! I mean, the man's an athlete!
Bradley did not expound on the comment. But he didn’t need to.
Actually, yeah he could have with I dunno, one fucking actual example! Or you know, just bask in the glow of gross exaggeration and embellishment behind a veil of general bullshit. Or, here's one, maybe show some fucking humility and at least call yourself out for you know, NOT SCORING A SINGLE FUCKING POINT THE ENTIRE PLAYOFFS.
Ovechkin himself hinted after the season that he planned to report to training camp in better shape.
Pretty sure I could find 5 links from 5 different off-seasons where he's said that exact thing so give it a rest.
As word of Bradley’s brutally honest assessment spread through a mostly empty Kettler Capitals Iceplex on a sunny August afternoon, the reaction of the handful of team members on hand was telling.
Indeed, it was quite striking that almost nobody was practicing in August! Clearly Brads has a great point right Trararkiarainarebebebeb??!?
It was a collective shrug. As in, “We know.”
No that collective shrug was every poor sap reading this drivel right before they pull the noose one last time.
Then, about a week ago, Coach Bruce Boudreau acknowledged that the upcoming season will take on “a more serious” tone, beginning with training camp.
Uh huh, he said this while partying it up at the local Chuck-e-cheese for little Brady's thirteen-and-a-half birthday party! Yeah boy, extra peperoni for the big man!
In recent days, players have acknowledged that they expect camp to be more demanding.
I heard they have to skate a WHOLE HALF HOUR! My god, what a gruel!
That they anticipate fewer optional practices during the regular season, too.
I picture OV reading that, exhaling a hit from the binger, then choking his ass off in a fit of laughter.
At least one said he wouldn’t be stunned to see a star player stapled to the bench for poor play.
Well let's see here, Fehrsies is gone, so who can we bench... Wait a minute, is that Alzner? Of course, get in my office lad, let me tell you about how great double nickel has been...
There was no outrage Wednesday at the team’s Arlington practice facility because, deep down, what Bradley said was spot on.
You see, the columnist knows this because he performed a long known Muslim ritual to peer deep into the souls of the entire organization! Or you know, the three poor saps actually practicing there that day...
The question is whether any current Capitals will demand such accountability in the locker room where it matters, instead of on the radio after they’ve left town.
Yes that is the question, thanks mister terrorist. Go cover the Panthers with your fag-boy Bradley and leave the cup to us winners!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Back to School
When I think hockey camp, I think of one thing:
Yes indeed! Gabby the Wide! The greatness of Girth! Hockey's preemptive crowning Wizard o' Power Play! I know, when I'm looking for the real insight, the true intelligence, the ultimate method of professionalism and goal-scoring prowess, I turn to our fearless leader! He of the triple x-l alligator golf shirt! With matching wrinkled five day old khaki pant! If only there were some local beat correspondent with a cuteish smile and whimsical slant of the eyes, a homely girl-next-door type with nicely parted auburn highlights, a simple gal to lead us through the foliage...
Post
Coach Bruce Boudreau muses about Capitals’ line combinations for next season
By Tarik El-Bashir
Damn! Some terrorist (at least by name appearance and no I'm not racist) has taken over my lovely blogger's blog! The humanity!
As I mentioned on Twitter last week
Fuck you tarik, this article is not about you, or your goddamn loser twitter account that I'm sure has exactly 2 followers, your mom and dad (assuming dad lets her slip off the ole birka every now and then and log on to her laptop).
I spent this past weekend in St. Catharines, Ont., at Capitals Coach Bruce Boudreau's 29th annual Golden Horseshoe Hockey School.
My, what possible grand prize did you win?!?
In bad times, the camp supplemented his minor-league coaching salary.
Yes, those constant buffet trips can be costly...
The past few years, though, he's kept it going for his 13-year-old son, Brady, and because he and his wife, Crystal, enjoy doing it.
Damnit Brady! I told you to stay on the rug!!
Look for that story in the next week or so.
Oh god, I can't fucking wait. I mean, to think, all the great info you could of just uploaded here to the blog, but NOOOO, make us wait just like the fucking weathermen with their goddamn seven day forecast that is never right! And have you noticed, airplane peanuts?!?
In the meantime, I want to share a few interesting items from an interview with Boudreau that focused on the Caps.
Damn, I was really hoping the interview had covered more pressing items, such as Denny's latest 1.99 specials!
One of the more interesting items that came up was the style of play the team will implement this season.
So interesting, and never before brought up with relation to the Caps last season! I mean, really, they changed systems you say??? I've never heard of that! What's a system?
It's been well-documented that Boudreau was forced to switch from his trademark high-octane style to a defensive posture when the flood of goals all but dried up in December.
Yes well documented by you asshat columnists who really don't have anything original or important to say with regards to this fourth-rate sport you've grudgingly been assigned to cover?
But now he's contemplating another tweak.
And the mountains trembled! Avalanche of snow and ice barreled forth with unwavering speeds! The world shook at the might of tweak contemplation! Lookout everyone, be ready to have your mind melted!
“I'm hoping that we can be a hybrid,” Boudreau said.
(insert image of that old guy's head exploding)
“There's some parts we changed [last season] that I really loved."
He listed them:
-Free all you-can-eat breakfast buffet on the road trips
-Free pizza toppings for every goal scored
-Complimentary bagels and burritos when you rock the red!
-Ice Cream on Fridays!
"I'd like to get back to being more of a quick-break team.”
Yes, for you see, with a quicker team, you may, score more goals! Yes Yes! Stanley Cup is ours!!
Boudreau would not delve into the specifics of positioning and the responsibilities of individual players in the new system.
Very simple reason for that, he has no clue what those words mean for they do not appear anywhere on the Dennys late-night menu...
But he also made it clear that he doesn't want them to revert to the Caps of 2009-10, with forwards routinely gliding back, or camping out in the neutral zone while the puck is deep in Washington's end, or more important, feeling that defensive-zone coverage isn't in their job description.
You remember, way back in 2009, you know, when the Caps were the BEST FUCKING TEAM in the goddamn sport. Yeah, lets NEVER get back to that...
“I'd like to be a quick-break team but not [have forwards] taking off, waiting at the blue line,” he said.
Couldn't you just, I dunno, tell them not to? I mean, is that really that hard? You are the fucking coach for christssake...
The coaching staff tested the hybrid system in development camp
Indeed, nothing helps identify strengths and weaknesses of a potential NHL hockey team's system then seeing how a bunch of teenagers with no experience playing against imaginary opponents handle it...
“It seemed to work really good,” he said, before later adding, “I'm always trying to be more of an offensive coach. I love offense. You have to score to win.”
Wow, I think all these camps, clinics, and lectures are really paying off... Finally our coach has figured out, after all these years, you have to score to win! What next genius boy, a cure for cancer is surely in the works?!?
Something else I found interesting was Boudreau's take on line combinations and defensive pairings heading into next season.
He makes them up out of thin air?! His son Brady takes a dump and he arranges them out of the excrement?! His wife Crystal calls them out while washing the windows of his new Mercedes?!
For one, it didn't sound like Alex Ovechkin-Nicklas Backstrom-Mike Knuble is a lock to be the first line.
Really, after the two highest paid players, biggest superstars on the team had horrible years playing with old-man-river who couldn't keep up, they just might consider a change? GTFOBBQWTF
Or, for that matter, that Brooks Laich will be the second-line center.
Oh Brooksies!! Give it to me hard baby! Call me wizard boy!
Or, for that matter, that John Erskine will be sitting in the press box.
Yeah, he'd look great in a Hershey Bears uni...
“Our depth is tremendous,” he said. “I go over the lines, as you know, every day."
Unless of course its shrimp day on the golden corral, then ALL BETS ARE OFF!
“Who plays where?”
“There's a lot of options there,” he added, hardly taking a breath.
Silly columnist/blogger/terrorist, that's just how the man breathes, you see, he's kinda (shhhh) fat...
I know that was a mouthful, but stick with him.
I'm not making this up, and yes it indeed was a mouthful. A mouthful of cannoli...
Boudreau said Schultz will be in much better shape in next month's training camp next versus last season and, in his opinion, “is going to open up some eyes.”
Yep, bigbird is really shaping up this summer! He's worked out with Brady all month...
“Last year — this never got out — but he had an illness all summer long"
I'm sorry but being a seven foot tall pylon who couldn't body check a member of the Chinese ping pong team is not an illness, did not last all summer long, and has certainly gotten out at this point.
This summer, he's been in the gym working, running and he's getting leaner"
Any leaner and he literally wouldn't be able to stand. He's a fucking walking plank of wood...
"When I saw him at the end of July, he was in great shape.”
"And then I ate him," he added with a sad face.
Boudreau said he did not have an update on Poti's status.
Not much to update from the grave.... Oh sick burn!
That's all for now, folks. I'll see if I can mine a few more nuggets from my recorder for another post later this week.
Oh boy, someone went to the Peter King summer school of nuggets. Hey Tarik, please get out of my caps insider and let the natural beauty resume domination please? K thanks!
Yes indeed! Gabby the Wide! The greatness of Girth! Hockey's preemptive crowning Wizard o' Power Play! I know, when I'm looking for the real insight, the true intelligence, the ultimate method of professionalism and goal-scoring prowess, I turn to our fearless leader! He of the triple x-l alligator golf shirt! With matching wrinkled five day old khaki pant! If only there were some local beat correspondent with a cuteish smile and whimsical slant of the eyes, a homely girl-next-door type with nicely parted auburn highlights, a simple gal to lead us through the foliage...
Post
Coach Bruce Boudreau muses about Capitals’ line combinations for next season
By Tarik El-Bashir
Damn! Some terrorist (at least by name appearance and no I'm not racist) has taken over my lovely blogger's blog! The humanity!
As I mentioned on Twitter last week
Fuck you tarik, this article is not about you, or your goddamn loser twitter account that I'm sure has exactly 2 followers, your mom and dad (assuming dad lets her slip off the ole birka every now and then and log on to her laptop).
I spent this past weekend in St. Catharines, Ont., at Capitals Coach Bruce Boudreau's 29th annual Golden Horseshoe Hockey School.
My, what possible grand prize did you win?!?
In bad times, the camp supplemented his minor-league coaching salary.
Yes, those constant buffet trips can be costly...
The past few years, though, he's kept it going for his 13-year-old son, Brady, and because he and his wife, Crystal, enjoy doing it.
Damnit Brady! I told you to stay on the rug!!
Look for that story in the next week or so.
Oh god, I can't fucking wait. I mean, to think, all the great info you could of just uploaded here to the blog, but NOOOO, make us wait just like the fucking weathermen with their goddamn seven day forecast that is never right! And have you noticed, airplane peanuts?!?
In the meantime, I want to share a few interesting items from an interview with Boudreau that focused on the Caps.
Damn, I was really hoping the interview had covered more pressing items, such as Denny's latest 1.99 specials!
One of the more interesting items that came up was the style of play the team will implement this season.
So interesting, and never before brought up with relation to the Caps last season! I mean, really, they changed systems you say??? I've never heard of that! What's a system?
It's been well-documented that Boudreau was forced to switch from his trademark high-octane style to a defensive posture when the flood of goals all but dried up in December.
Yes well documented by you asshat columnists who really don't have anything original or important to say with regards to this fourth-rate sport you've grudgingly been assigned to cover?
But now he's contemplating another tweak.
And the mountains trembled! Avalanche of snow and ice barreled forth with unwavering speeds! The world shook at the might of tweak contemplation! Lookout everyone, be ready to have your mind melted!
“I'm hoping that we can be a hybrid,” Boudreau said.
(insert image of that old guy's head exploding)
“There's some parts we changed [last season] that I really loved."
He listed them:
-Free all you-can-eat breakfast buffet on the road trips
-Free pizza toppings for every goal scored
-Complimentary bagels and burritos when you rock the red!
-Ice Cream on Fridays!
"I'd like to get back to being more of a quick-break team.”
Yes, for you see, with a quicker team, you may, score more goals! Yes Yes! Stanley Cup is ours!!
Boudreau would not delve into the specifics of positioning and the responsibilities of individual players in the new system.
Very simple reason for that, he has no clue what those words mean for they do not appear anywhere on the Dennys late-night menu...
But he also made it clear that he doesn't want them to revert to the Caps of 2009-10, with forwards routinely gliding back, or camping out in the neutral zone while the puck is deep in Washington's end, or more important, feeling that defensive-zone coverage isn't in their job description.
You remember, way back in 2009, you know, when the Caps were the BEST FUCKING TEAM in the goddamn sport. Yeah, lets NEVER get back to that...
“I'd like to be a quick-break team but not [have forwards] taking off, waiting at the blue line,” he said.
Couldn't you just, I dunno, tell them not to? I mean, is that really that hard? You are the fucking coach for christssake...
The coaching staff tested the hybrid system in development camp
Indeed, nothing helps identify strengths and weaknesses of a potential NHL hockey team's system then seeing how a bunch of teenagers with no experience playing against imaginary opponents handle it...
“It seemed to work really good,” he said, before later adding, “I'm always trying to be more of an offensive coach. I love offense. You have to score to win.”
Wow, I think all these camps, clinics, and lectures are really paying off... Finally our coach has figured out, after all these years, you have to score to win! What next genius boy, a cure for cancer is surely in the works?!?
Something else I found interesting was Boudreau's take on line combinations and defensive pairings heading into next season.
He makes them up out of thin air?! His son Brady takes a dump and he arranges them out of the excrement?! His wife Crystal calls them out while washing the windows of his new Mercedes?!
For one, it didn't sound like Alex Ovechkin-Nicklas Backstrom-Mike Knuble is a lock to be the first line.
Really, after the two highest paid players, biggest superstars on the team had horrible years playing with old-man-river who couldn't keep up, they just might consider a change? GTFOBBQWTF
Or, for that matter, that Brooks Laich will be the second-line center.
Oh Brooksies!! Give it to me hard baby! Call me wizard boy!
Or, for that matter, that John Erskine will be sitting in the press box.
Yeah, he'd look great in a Hershey Bears uni...
“Our depth is tremendous,” he said. “I go over the lines, as you know, every day."
Unless of course its shrimp day on the golden corral, then ALL BETS ARE OFF!
“Who plays where?”
“There's a lot of options there,” he added, hardly taking a breath.
Silly columnist/blogger/terrorist, that's just how the man breathes, you see, he's kinda (shhhh) fat...
I know that was a mouthful, but stick with him.
I'm not making this up, and yes it indeed was a mouthful. A mouthful of cannoli...
Boudreau said Schultz will be in much better shape in next month's training camp next versus last season and, in his opinion, “is going to open up some eyes.”
Yep, bigbird is really shaping up this summer! He's worked out with Brady all month...
“Last year — this never got out — but he had an illness all summer long"
I'm sorry but being a seven foot tall pylon who couldn't body check a member of the Chinese ping pong team is not an illness, did not last all summer long, and has certainly gotten out at this point.
This summer, he's been in the gym working, running and he's getting leaner"
Any leaner and he literally wouldn't be able to stand. He's a fucking walking plank of wood...
"When I saw him at the end of July, he was in great shape.”
"And then I ate him," he added with a sad face.
Boudreau said he did not have an update on Poti's status.
Not much to update from the grave.... Oh sick burn!
That's all for now, folks. I'll see if I can mine a few more nuggets from my recorder for another post later this week.
Oh boy, someone went to the Peter King summer school of nuggets. Hey Tarik, please get out of my caps insider and let the natural beauty resume domination please? K thanks!
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