The Great Window Debate

Yes, here we are, certainly, most presumptively, another avenue, a boulevard of broken hockey dreams, a tourniquet, a noose ever tightening its grip firmly on the necks of our most beloved of organizations! Folks our most peril of moments is upon us! Do we dare take that most giant of steps forward towards possession of the one true cup? Or do we once again pause at the trigger, afraid to take a plunge into the abyss, afraid to find our true selves! Oh sweet local beat correspondent, whatever shall we do?!

Linky

Ted Leonsis has declined interview requests through a spokesman since the Capitals were swept from the second round of the Stanley Cup playoffs earlier this month,

This spokesman later was seen whisked away among chains by two giant battle droids screaming 'save me save me my master is a giant slimy rodent who eats even smaller slimier rodents!'


but on Thursday he answered questions from fans on the team’s website.

Where he followed up a most boisterous chat by consuming their entire entrails with a fresh side of Gorgonzola salad!

Leonsis reiterated a message of patience in regard to the Capitals’ ability to achieve playoff success and stressed that despite this postseason’s disappointment, he doesn’t believe the team is running out of time to win.


For you see, the Hutt measure time by the more standard established Gorgolakian Calender, for within this denomination a mere 3 days have passed since even the organization's inception! This also helps explain the almost demonically slow metabolism they all somehow possess...


“The one that has bothered me is this notion that the pain of losing is because our window is closing,” Leonsis said of the emails and comments he’s received from fans since the loss to the Lightning.

He added, 'also tickling my rear these days is this notion, that I SOMEHOW assisted in the most absurd raid on the rebel guard allying with a most ambitious of galactic empires!' to a somewhat stunned press room...

“I’m a fan. I want instant results."

I demand Ovechkin-walker at once! He has failed me for the last time!


"I feel great disappointment."

Slave! This fried vermin is OVER COOKED! How dare you question the pallet of a Hutt clansman! Do I look like someone who can't tell the difference in fois gras?!?!


"I, too, would like to figure out why can’t we go deeper in the playoffs. It’s really what we’ve been spending time on the last several weeks."

Hmmm.... several weeks even? Wow, let's see here, maybe I can break it down a  little for ya there boss. So let's see here, hockey games are GENERALLY won by the team who tallies the most goals you see, that's when the puck goes INTO the net! Just like that buffet spread went INTO your mouth!


“We’re struggling as an organization translating regular season productivity into longer success in the playoffs,” Leonsis said. “We certainly want to go further than one round.”

Yep, the goal is now clearly to reach the third round everyone! Oh yeah Get your season tickets!

Although he talked about how the Capitals’ internal assessment and introspection has just begun, Leonsis added that the answer for how to take that next step doesn’t necessarily include firing General Manager George McPhee, Coach Bruce Boudreau or trading away the team’s star players.

Sooo... In order to improve....we change.... NOTHING! Great perfect zang zoooms! Scuby snacks!

“I think right now we’re all looking at what do we have to do differently to move forward" 

Leonsis then specified several new training regimens he is instituting around the old Tatooin bar hang out, including three legged races, pin the tail on the marclaar and the always classic pod race around the gorlack.


Leonsis said. “We finished the first round this year and we all felt that we were in good shape. We felt that was the toughest round to get through,"

Ouch! Is that, really what you all thought? Really, like seriously? That doesn't make ANY SENSE on any planet, much less one as barren as tatooine?!? Now come now Mr. Hutt, this is a most absurd premise, even for such a callow fellow! I mean, imagine, a team that ALREADY WON a round in the playoffs would be better then the team you just demolished who only made it in because some other team in some hick town that shouldn't even be in a WINTER sports league lost in some rinky dink blowout meaningless shit where was I?


"And we got swept in the second round. It didn’t feel good."

Leonsis later added that he eased his pain by slipping into a nice mud bath made of the finest Gorlon galaxy grain while sipping leftover batches of Han Solo blood previously drained in Episode 5.

We’re all sitting down to say, ‘What do we have to do differently?’

Gee Wally! I dunno Boss! Maybe head over to the Wizards game?!?

Leonsis said he believed the team’s transition to a more defensive posture mid-season was the appropriate move to make, but that the power play’s struggles may mandate “something major” to reignite the unit.  

Okay here's what we're gonna do, lets make sure Ovechkin and Green skate mandatory two minute shifts BEFORE the powerplay starts so they are EXTRA exhausted! Then, they can skate in circles and make lazy passes the whole shift! HOT GOALIE HOT GOALIE!!

Leonsis didn’t go into specifics about what those changes might entail. 

The man has NEVER gone into specifics about ANYTHING EVER so why should he now?!?

"I don’t think our window is closing,” Leonsis said. 

He also added, "I ate the window," with a really sad face.

“All [youth] does is give us more hope that we can improve our playoff performance. But I do think the team’s young players contribute a lot and will get better because they’ll get more experienced.”

Experience always equals better, you see? This is why the man owns shopping malls.... (What's that, the baseball team what? huh? nevermind)

(insert window slamming shut image)