Yes our fearless leader, the greatness of girth, gabby the wide, brucie pie has decided to strut his stuff for the poor saps who showed at some crazy boneheaded gathering called the 'Roger Neilson's Coaches Clinic' which I am about 99% sure is completely made up in the giant head of the buffoon in the picture above. Roger Nielson definitely sounds made up... and if Roger knew they got some mouthbreathing donut-craving lunatic as keynote speaker, well, ole' roger didn't know what he was signing up for! Oh wait, there's an article!
Yay
Ah the Windsor Star! Now there is some esteemed publication! To think, they would stoop so low, in this time of most extreme worldwide conflicts and events, they would actually work out the time and resources to cover such an event!
As Jim Ralph, emcee for this year's Roger Neilson's Coaches Clinic at the University of Windsor, introduced Friday's first speaker, Washington Capitals coach Bruce Boudreau, he couldn't help but get in a playful dig.
Jim Ralph! Ha ha! A playful dig huh, please Jim, not another insensitive fat joke, I mean really haven't we taken things too far at this point?!
Boudreau's topic of discussion was defensive system overhaul: a different approach.
"Tomorrow, he'll be speaking on a different subject," Ralph suggested. "When to go back to the original plan.
"I'm guessing it would be after Game 2."
Oh Jim! What a delightful yarn! My the comedy, the insane ribbing that must go on during the great coach's clinic! This must of been exactly what it felt like in that first SNL writer's meeting back in the Seventies...
As much as Boudreau, whose first NHL coach was Neilson, is enjoying his weekend in Windsor sharing wisdom with fellow coaches, there's a place he'd much rather be right now.
Yup, Golden Corral is having a huge deal tonight on the buffet! All you can eat shrimp!
Amidst the Stanley Cup final, where so many pundits put his club at the start of the National Hockey League season.
What, huh? Who?! Show me the pundit who put this perpetually choking joke of a franchise in the final? If they did their either Mike Wise or batshit insane, okay so that's redundant I know... (This joke brought to you by the genius of the Roger Nielson Comedy coaches clinic!)
The Capitals, though, are just the latest team to learn Lord Stanley's punishing lesson.
There's no winning your way to a title, or in the case of our owner, no eating our way to one either!
His trophy is hard to win, and the road toward it is fraught with misfortune and heartache.
Indeed, the gorlacks and celestial space gangs make trekking this terrible desert land most grave!
"We were talking about it this morning over breakfast," admitted Boudreau.
"I demand a fucking waffle station you piece of shit hotel!!!! Oh yeah, it sucked losing again huh?"
"No one's won back-to-back titles since Detroit (1996-97, 1997-98). Maybe we're just not ready yet, and our year will be next year."
Are you fucking mental you fat fuck?! Are you really comparing yourselves to the damn red wings now you classless douchenozzle?! There is more skill, expertise, knowledge and hockey ability in datsyuk and zetterbergs love goo (I heard they were an item) then in your fucking brain you asshat. Go talk to another clinic in Warsaw or Windsor or whatever the fuck town they hold these stupid gatherings in conference room 4 of the best western.
"It takes time to win."
He later added, 'much like it took myself over ten long grueling years of constant buffet trips, triple servings of ice cream and a good ole fashioned hankering for twinkees that set me over the edge! I had to work to be as wide as I am tall dammit!'
Since the time ran out on Washington's latest Stanley Cup journey much earlier than anticipated, serious questions have been posed about Boudreau's team.
Such as, Why do you always suck? Why do you have a captain who can't even show up for practice and is too busy hitting the hookah? Why is Mike Green on my hockey team? Where is the goal? What is a power play? Why does the sun shine? Boudreau, as usual, had no answers...
It's nothing that the Wings didn't hear during the many years they came up short of the goal, or that the San Jose Sharks continue to hear as they hold the dishonour as the best team in the West without a title.
Is this the gist of his speech at this COACHS CLINIC!?!? 'Hey guys, now I know we suck, but.... other teams suck too! Ha see, we're not soo bad! Remember, fellow minor league and highschool doucherapist coaches, you too can just suck ass and blame it on nothing and then mention other crappy teams to redeem yourself! Remember kids, only 1 team wins the cup each year!
"Somebody told me this year it took (Sharks captain) Joe Thornton 14 years to finally get what it's like in the playoffs," Boudreau said.
"He played a very good playoff, and everybody's complained about his playoffs in previous years.
"It's a different animal."
Thorton is a bum, I'm shocked GMGM hasn't offered up a 20 year contract yet... I love how here its 'a different animal' but according to GMGM its all just hockey, a good coach is a good coach blah blah..
In the search for answers, Boudreau doesn't think it takes a hockey Einstein to figure things out.
Well good fucking thing. Okay back to our clinic, 'Now guys, I'm Brucie, big time hockey coach, and what I think is, you don't have to be smart to find answers! See fellas, just be an idiot all the time! Shit will fall into your lap eventually!'
"When teams lose, you're looking for major reasons why you lost, but that's not always the case," he said.
Or in his experience, that's apparently NEVER THE CASE.
"Sometimes, the reasons are way more simple than they want to believe.
"Sometimes, it's a bad break. Sometimes, the other team just plays better."
Is this really his speech at a fucking coaching clinic? Welp guys, sometimes you suck and sometimes the other team is better! Get it? Genius here yes! Jack adams mother fucker!
As for their playoff letdown, he thinks that too often, critics look to what went wrong, when often the outcome is caused by what the opposition did right.
We get it fatboy, you did nothing wrong and the whole world just conspired against you! Poor blubber butt, we hurt his wittle feewlings!
For example, he pointed to the way the Stanley Cup final between Boston and Vancouver had played out like two different series through the first four games.
That doesn't show anything you stupid fat fuck you lost in a sweep, make some adjustments!?!??! GAHH IM getting even more pissed he's still our coach! GET YOUR SEASON TICKETS NOW!!
"For the last two games, I'm sure all the Vancouver fans were saying, 'Oh man, we're so bad,' but it's because Boston was playing so well," Boudreau said.
No, they were saying fuck we played just like the caps...
"You can have the systems in place, and the system's working when it's five on oh, but when the other team's in place, it's a little more difficult. That's what makes sports, sports."
Wow, talk about a lecture for the ages, I really hope this session was taped and transcribed for posterity. Fuck it, write this shit down in a fucking scroll and put that shit in a time capsule like fucking pronto, people in the future need this shit asap.
With stars such as Alexander Ovechkin, Alexander Semin, Mike Green and Nicklas Backstrom in place, Boudreau thinks people would be foolish to write his team's epitaph as a contender just yet.
Why that would just be nonsense! It's not like the coach is tied in anyway to the legacy of his core group of players...
"Nobody in our core's over 26," he said.
Yes, but you see the window is closing you fat fuck.
"They're all competitors. They all want to win. We all want to win the Cup.
Phew, okay feel much better. Glad I went to this clinic!
They'll be ready to go come training camp. They all believe eventually that they're going to win."
As does he.
Brucie will be ready after a summer of extensive training, mostly doing donut runs between clinic appearences. You would not believe how remote the krispy kreme is near Windsor...
Playoff heartbreak hasn't caused his own belief to falter one iota within Boudreau's heart.
Its actually physically impossible for his belief to falter as there are no longer any iotas available now that his heart has grown to almost 4 times the normal size of a human! With a direct line of lard via IV pumping into his veins, the coach is a walking jelly donut!
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