So what else is anew in the caps world? Thanks to the glorious writing of some suspect terrorist who has seemed to worm his way into my sweet butterfly's blog, now with his shady Penn State-esque glare lurking next to my sweet homely beat correspondent's picture, I am perverse to find strange things afoot! The team is now splintering and we require a most wise sage to rise from the desert sands of the nba lockout and spring forth another column of gibberish! Take it away el-Abavababid!
Link
On Hockey: Bruce Boudreau and Alex Ovechkin need to get on the same page
Indeed! For you see, only from the same square surface area of a book like article can championships be won! For the record these two certainly don't seem on the same page, not even the same book, hell not even the same form of media. Ov is like a foreign playboy magazine with naked women, expensive cigars, and crazy letters written in some ancient form of Sanskrit while BB more resembles a old worn-out copy of a child's Highlights magazine with all the puzzles colored in, pages ripped out from the middle and giant smears of barbeque sauce all over the rest.
Coach Bruce Boudreau must reconnect with the Washington Capitals’ locker room, beginning with Monday’s game against the Phoenix Coyotes.
Kinda tough to do when you're hands are still sticky from the jelly donuts.
That process starts with getting on the same page as Alex Ovechkin.
Yes we get it Tarik, they aren't even close.
Too often this season, it has appeared the coach and the captain have been pulling in opposite directions.
This can easily be remedied, they simply must install a Euro trash strip club and pole in the local Dunkin' Donuts...
No player has as much sway on the ice and bench as Ovechkin.
Yes most pimps have considerable sway...
When he’s on his game, the other Capitals follow his lead.
ZOMG you mean when we score more goals the team wins?!? Get out of town! Seriously, aren't you on several known hitlists at this point?
When he’s utterly uninspired, the team suffers inexplicable setbacks such as the one it did Saturday, a 7-1 defeat against Toronto;
Yep, simple, every game lost by 6 goals is clearly an indictment of one player. Didn't you hear, when the red wings lost to us by the same score earlier this year they boxed Lidstrom right up, taped it shut and sent his ass off back to Sweden where he belongs! CANT WIN A CUP WITH A EURO CAPTAIN!!!
the Maple Leafs fielded a squad with a third-string goalie in net and seven regulars out of the lineup.
We get it Tarik, it was a bad loss. Don't forget to mention we were missing the greatest defensemen in the planet...
After opening the season with seven straight victories, the Capitals have gone 3-7-1.
Is that right? Damn, its been a while huh?
Ovechkin, meantime, hasn’t registered a point in the last four contests — all losses — which ties the worst scoring drought of his career.
Trade this locker-room cancer now before its not too late!
NHL coaches don’t get canned for losing games.
Nahh, no coach has ever been canned for something as elementary as a game!
They get fired for losing touch with their team and repeatedly getting stonewalled by the team captain.
If I didn't know better I would think my local columnist just tried to imply the coach is about to get canned because of a certain stubborn Russian sniper? Nahh must be way off here.
Signs of the disconnect between the two have been impossible to ignore:
Oh guess that's exactly what he's going for here. Also here starts the bullet-point section of our column, apparently he prefers to write in memo-format...
Boudreau moved Ovechkin to the wall on the power play. Ovechkin has said he feels more comfortable on the point.
Startling discovery! Bang zooms! Funny the guy making roughly 1/9th what the other guy makes is the one giving the orders!
Boudreau and his coaching staff have implored Ovechkin to change his strategy on the attack for more than a year.
Hmm... lets see here a couple years ago the guy was potting 60-65 goals a year, so LETS CHANGE HIS ATTACK STRATEGY NOW!!!
Go wide instead of cutting to the middle, they’ve told him.
Listen, here, fellow who SEEMS to have won multiple Ross and Richards awards, you NEED TO listen to this fat man who may or may not have scored a couple goals back in the seventies!
Use teammates instead of squeezing off low-percentage shots.
DO ANYTHING POSSIBLE to avoid scoring goals, got it??
Their words, though, have fallen on deaf ears.
Boudreau and his staff have begged Ovechkin to be more responsible in the defensive end
Indeed the most critical aspect for him to focus on is DEFENSE.
yet he still routinely floats in Washington’s zone and leaves it prematurely.
What you call floating, its simply mistaken as 'preparing to score' duh...
Through the season’s first 18 games, he has a team-worst plus-minus rating of minus-6.
Arbitrary team stat! Also -6 isn't really all that bad in the grand scheme of things...
Boudreau wants to distribute playing time more equitably.
Yes for you see, simple mind, in order to score more goals and WIN HOCKEY GAMES you need to have guys who can't score on the ice more!
Although Ovechkin hasn’t complained publicly,
Mostly because I think he has a english vocabulary in the 8-12 words range..
it’s hard to believe he’s fine with skating 18 minutes 46 seconds per game
Why not? More time for bong hits and poon-tang!
which is more than four minutes fewer than he averaged during his 65-goal season in 2007-08.
Yes and god forbid we go back to those dark days!
Boudreau has ushered in a new era of accountability in which stars receive the same treatment as grinders.
A system that always goes over so well amongst the much higher-paid 'stars'...
Anyone who watched Ovechkin’s reaction to being benched in the final moments of regulation against Anaheim on Nov. 1 (and can read lips) knows what the Capitals’ star player thinks about accountability when it’s applied to him.
EVERYONE HE CALLED HIM A FAT FUCK!!!!
In the eight games since that 5-4 overtime win against the Ducks, Ovechkin’s season-long slump has deepened.
Yes, so deep staring into the abyss! Wondering when we shall ever rise again! Perhaps it is time to retire, hang up the boots, put away the sticks and return the mother land!
Sure, he’s had his moments. The numbers, however — two goals and two assists — don’t lie.
And neither does your innate smugness.
Ovechkin’s struggles appeared to reach a low point Saturday at Air Canada Centre.
Ya think? Way to go out on that limb..
Then, on the power play late in the second period, the puck was on his stick and he was a dozen feet from the net. But instead of firing on goaltender Jonas Gustavsson and his unremarkable .878 save percentage, Ovechkin dished the puck to the point instead.
Didn't you just praise the coaching staff for changing his game to look to the pass more? Or am I reading all this gibberish wrong?
Ovechkin’s disinterest, it seemed, trickled down to everyone else on the roster.
Trickled? I was say it poured, gushed, avalanched, swamped, stormed, pounded violently from the rafters..
When Ovechkin was asked whether he was disappointed in his performance this season, he sounded reluctant to accept responsibility for a slow start that’s threatening to turn into another subpar season, saying, “Sometimes you just shoot the puck at empty net and it misses net.”
Wow, with that kind of intellect leading the charge how can we go wrong? He reiterated with a second analogy, 'sometimes you just shoot a load into an empty vag and it misses the vag!
Asked about his team’s struggles Sunday afternoon, Boudreau compared the handling of multimillionaire professional hockey players to raising children.
I dunno Brucie, I mean even though sometimes the guy does act kinda wacky and silly, is it really best to undermine your team and reduce them to your thirteen year old son? That MIGHT NOT be the best route to take... You can't just ground a guy making 9 mil a year...
“It’s like parenting,” he said.
Its really not, really not even close and I am growing more pissed off that you would try to spew that bullshit at us now.
“You want to get your child to do something right, you scold ’em, you cajole ’em, you take away things, you give things."
Actually you really should try to stay consistent with your children so they respect your decisions and reasoning wait fuck you fatboy this is fucking Alex Ovechkin we're talking about here not Brady fucking Boudreau.
" I’ve always believed that it’s the coach’s job to find the Achilles’ heel that makes them work.”
I present this as exhibit 59 as to why this man should not be running my hockey club anymore. Does he even know what an Achilles heel means?
Asked if Ovechkin’s “button” has been harder to find than it is with other players, Boudreau passed on the question, flashing a sarcastic smile.
Oh BB! You clever plump bastard! Why don't you stop worrying so damn much about everyone's buttons and start I dunno, DRAWING UP SOME GODDAMN PLAYS so we can get back to scoring fucking goals and winning fucking hockey games.
“Go ahead,” he said, turning his head toward another reporter.
Actually he was just quoting his favorite cashier at Burger King...
Perhaps Boudreau’s non-answer was stronger than any explanation he could make.
Perhaps, or maybe its just some bullshit nonsense used to prop up this rather flimsy blogpost/memo/column crap-tacular.
But it also underscored the challenge he had before him, one that, in his words, is his job to meet.
Indeed, back to Baskin Robins post haste!
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