But What of the Children?

I've got the fever folks, yep, the capitals playoff hockey fever!! Wooo rock that red yooo!

Just can't stay away so many great articles to parse, so many angles to this matchup of the ages! I am already sick to death of this shit to be honest with you, its only because of the ridiculous re-alignment that was done and the lack of proper reseed rules that the two best most consistent teams in the eastern conference have been forced to meet in the second round over and over, its not some nebulous cloud of fate that haunts my very soul. Right?

This darkness haunts us all, leaving us foaming at the mouth in terror unable to process the world around us. Entire generations both young and old look to us for guidance through this most miserable of time, the nhl second round playoff. Seven games of absolute hell tormenting our very beings, how shall we go on, what shall we tell the children?!?

How to talk to your kids about the playoffs in Washington

Uggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!

That is the fucking title of the fucking article and then I vomited for twelve straight minutes. I am so sorry dear blog reader but we must entire this most evil of hellscapes...

Sports, in theory, are so wonderful because of their suspense.

Wow. Opening gambit played, wonderful as shit y'all.

Feats unexpected and unimaginable are accomplished every single day. Postseason and championship rounds heighten the tension even more.

So heightened, just like the bulge on my cotton dockers.

Then there are the professional teams in Washington

Not sure I like where this is going...

which do not abide by the principle of thrilling suspense. Instead, they lure you in, what with their adorable regional pride and hopeful optimism, and then spit you out with postseason underachievement so consistent that it’s almost cliche.

The principle of thrilling suspense is the worst walkmen album yet.

Consider the following: A child born on this date in 2000 — now an 18-year-old — has never seen the Caps, Nats, Redskins or Wizards advance past the second round of the playoffs.

I have never been so pumped for a playoff series in my life?! Yess!!!! So many principles you guys.

“Certainly as a Browns fan, I can appreciate the day-in-and-day-out sense of disappointment, but it also teaches resiliency,” said Steve Graef, a sports psychologist at Ohio State University.

They asked some fuck at OSU a question for this regional article? And when do they get to the part about talking to our kids?

We asked him and Antonia Baum, a psychiatrist in private practice in Bethesda, how to talk to your kids about the stress (and inevitable disappointment) that comes with the postseason in D.C.

Oh right, the very next sentence. Love the parenthetical here, just slyly done quality post dig there.

“A child takes their cues from the adults that mentor them in their lives,”

No fucking shit, thanks professor! OSU huh, surprised its not Harvard with this insight!

“If [sports] becomes overly important to the role models in their live — if they get depressed, instead of seeing humor in it or moving on — that could be an issue.”

Parents its probably best to just load up the little tikes with as much ADD meds as you can before its too late!

“If you’re throwing things and putting holes in the wall because the Bills lose,” Graef said, “at some point, that’s not adult behavior.”

If you're doing those things because of the bills its probably because you're a fucking sociopath who shouldn't be allowed in public spaces let alone raising children..

If a child is sad or frustrated, keep your cool, and ask how she is feeling, Graef said.

Holy fucking shit.

Ask questions about the team’s play, Baum suggested, such as: “What would you do to fix the team?” or “What could they do better next time?”

Great lets raise an entire generation of george mcphees!!! yess!

That could spark great discussion fodder at a family meal, Baum said. That, in turn, promotes problem solving and provides a place for kids to talk about their emotions.

Anyone else get the sense that these 'doctors' have never met a child in their lives? I'm really gonna start drawing up plays with my 9 year old? She's going to tell me to shut up and find her tablet charger.

Finally, through any conversation about rooting disappointment, remind kids to keep things in perspective.

Yes child ignore the fact that you are being raised by lunatics who put holes in walls because a sports team did something in a stadium thousands of miles away that has absolutely no real consequence on your existence.

“If [parents] are teaching their kids the right values about sports, it really shouldn’t matter who wins or who loses,” Baum said. “But try telling that to a fan.”

Fuck off you stupid fake doctor from ohio.

Go caps!