Ohhh boyyy! Gee whitakers mister, what ya got there?! Is that a new fresh article in that their newspapuh?! I swear, I ain't ever seen an article like this pah! Its about the bestest boy in all the land, the wizard of the ice, the harry potter of my dreams! Ooooohhhh Sidney how do you do it?!?
The subtle secret to Sidney Crosby’s greatness
Hang on. I'm sorry here, I just can't do it. I have to break character, at least for one paragraph here. This has gone too far, too much beyond the pail, I can no longer function as an ironic internet commentator, I have to resume life as a human being and recoil at this entire affront. The Washington Post, a great beacon to my town, has gone too far. How dare you Barry Svrgulaeruarla!
Saturday afternoon, Sidney Crosby walked on skates from the practice ice into the cramped visiting locker room at Capital One Arena and placed his black CCM stick into a rack, jiggling it until it fit.
Oh my god I'm going to die.
He navigated a horde of notebooks and cameras in front of his locker, sat down and pulled on a black Pittsburgh Penguins cap.
Yep, that's it guys, I truly no longer wish to consume oxygen here, thanks guys, been nice knowing y'all.
At the end of a brief media scrum, a question — one he was perhaps more qualified to answer than anyone on the planet — made Crosby pause: Did he believe hockey instinct could be honed through repetition?
That's the question? Come on, that's definitely not the question.
“Mmm,” Crosby said. “Maybe.”
Holy fuck you guys such a subtle secret! He went mmm for a second! Whoa!
He mulled his answer, a clue to how one of the greatest hockey players ever views the game.
He mulled, he implied, he thought, he considered, he wondered, he listened, he meditated, he breathed, he pondered, he whistled. Such a hard clue you guys.
Crosby is a metronomic exemplar of all-around skill.
Excelsior in the highest!
Like basketball’s LeBron James, he has established all-time-great bona fides as he remains at the crest of his performance.
Holy shit I wonder if he picks his nose?
“The last couple seasons, he’s been the best player,” Capitals defenseman Matt Niskanen said.
He said with a sad face.
“I truly believe he’s the best player in the world,” NBC analyst Jeremy Roenick said.
He said while eating the nineties. Just a quick aside here, how is it possible that I now hate roenick this much? Its unbelievable! For 3 years there from 94 to 97 he just dominated EA NHL on sega so much I figured he was a god, and now hes turned into this greaseball douchbag on my television set? The humanity, what next Bo jackson pulls a bill crosby?
“Still the best guy in the league,” former teammate Brooks Orpik said.
I'm reminded that both Nisky and Orpiky played with Sidney for years in pitt, nothing suspicious about that at all...
The quality that allows Crosby to remain atop the league, coaches and teammates say, is his unique work ethic
So unique you guys, wait for it, he will now take the next 30 paragraphs explaining how all he does is practice plays he messed up before, its such a novel approach, nobody has ever thought to do it before. he's a fucking wizard you guys is basically what we're saying..
an ability to specify subtle areas for improvement and work with meticulous precision until they match the other elite elements of his game. While his natural ability — powerful skating, pistol-quick hands, uncommon feel — made him a phenom, his creative, distinct capacity for work has enabled him to stay atop the NHL.
I just vomited all over my keyboard, I think this might have to end the session.
“He’s a generational talent,” Penguins Coach Mike Sullivan said.
He will unite the home land! He will bring peace to all the tribes! He will feed and cloth every last child on this green earth!
“He does things that you can’t teach, and that’s part of what makes him what he is."
He can even tie his shoes like a big boy!
“He’s able to pick things he thinks he needs to get better at, and he’s very deliberate at practicing those things and working on those things all the time,” Adams said. “He’s methodical about doing that on a daily basis.”
Holy fuck you think this guy split the atom at this point. He practices, big fucking deal.
“He does practice weird stuff like that,” Niskanen said. “He’s naturally very intelligent."
Fuck off all of you, there are like 45 more paragraphs of this shit and its all the same inane bullshit crooning about some douchbag we've all watched all these years. Its like coming out with a new hot take about how Lebron is good in the playoffs! Oh Gee wiz no shit sherlock. What next, an article about how terrible Trump is turning out to be? Oh Man talk about having your finger on the pulse! And why the fuck would anyone in Washington want to read 850 paragraphs about the mighty cindy crosby and his super swell friends saying as many sugary things as they can dream about him. Fuck him, Fuck pittsburgh, fuck penguins, fuck guntzel, fuck that non-goal was a goal bullshit, fuck that stupid black and yellow colors, fuck their dumb dump town and fat ugly fans who all voted for that shithead now ruining the country and the world all at once.
So yeah, go caps, fuck crosby, I'm out.
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