Okay, so that didn't go as planned huh? Still feeling okay, here at the blog, hoping maybe, just maybe this sweep will bring some incentive to upper management to at least make some semblance of change to this suddenly glacial like hockey team. Take it away fearless leader!
Ted Leonsis: 'The wheels fell off'
Well, that's not all that inspirational...
Washington Capitals owner Ted Leonsis says he understands that fans will "demand change" after the team was swept out of the playoffs, but he suggests the "best course of action" is to let a few days pass.
As leader of the Hutt's Ted will now return to his regular tasks of consuming large quantities of space varmint, training his latest underground monsters in soul consumption, developing new sets of chains for tying up bikini-clad princesses and working on his anti-jedi mind anti-tricking abilities...
But if changes will be made, coach Bruce Boudreau does not appear to be one of them.
How does this fat fuck manage to sneak by every damn year?!?
Capitals general manager George McPhee said Thursday he expects Boudreau to be back next season.
He expects?! He's the damn general manager! Shouldn't he, I dunno, KNOW? If not him, then who does? The fucking blogging hutt in charge?
Top-seeded Washington lost four straight against the fifth-seeded Tampa Bay Lightning in the Eastern Conference semifinals.
The Lightning won 5-3 in the Game 4 clincher Wednesday night in Tampa.
But McPhee said Thursday he doesn't "see major changes" coming.
So, we got blown out in 4 straight games against a freakin' division rival after talking all year about changing systems and gearing up for the playoffs and bringing in veterans and blah blah blah... After all that clusterfuck of a playoff Mcphee doesn't see major changes?!? What the hell has to happen for a change?! Alien fucking invasion?!
Asked about the possibility of switching coaches, McPhee replied: "Does it really change things in most cases?"
Yep, my brain just exploded. I think it hit the back wall of my shitty office cubicle. Yes, George, its obvious changing coaches NEVER changes things! Why, I didn't realize every other team basically has had the same coach since their inception! Wow, how had I not heard about that yet? If that was the case George, why oh why did you ever fire Butch 'don't call me sundance you mother fucker' Cassidy?!? The guy was pure gold! I once saw him shoot 82 in the team charity golf tournament!
It's the fourth season in a row that Alex Ovechkin and the Capitals lost to a lower-seeded team in the first or second round under Boudreau. His postseason record is 17-20.
NO CHANGES, nothing to see here folks, the coach does NOTHING for a team.
Leonsis wrote on his "Ted's Take" blog Thursday that everyone is accountable, "starting with me."
Wait does that mean we can fire the fat fuck owner?
Says Leonsis: "The wheels fell off for us. No doubt about that."
Thanks hutt for your gripping wheel summary. I wouldn't of known otherwise! Now please, put that fat fuck coach into frozen carbonite before its too damn late.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Balk Time
Well here we are, down 3-0 as I seriously figured would happen the exact night these same lightning beat the pens 8-2. I knew any team that could put up 8 on blysmas defense would be a very tough out and things were lining up for them to be our next opponent. Anyway, here's more stupid stuff from Burny:
YAY LINK
There are few less inviting places than the locker room of a team down 3-0 in a best-of-seven playoff series.
Um, hell? How about, that compound bin laden was chillin' in? Actually, that was probably rather inviting I would presume. What else lets see, downtown Detroit? Or whichever part was the bad part. Or you know, the Congo or some shit.
There are brave faces and fearless talk, but everywhere is the feel of despair.
That does sound pretty bad.
It was so Wednesday morning in the Washington Capitals' locker room even though there were only a handful of players available, given the team's 4-3 loss against the Tampa Bay Lightning the previous night.
IT WAS SO! Oh Hamletchkin, please save us! This day, for sooth, we find ourselves, that which much forever I, so there I sat. Only a handful of players? What the hell? You guys up so late partying after that rough game? Samplin the bay nightlife?
Caps coach Bruce Boudreau said it's important to look not at the big picture but at the first step.
"You don't think of it as four, think of it as one," he said. "Four seems like a daunting task; one doesn't seem as daunting. Then, if you get successful, you just think of one more. I don't want it to become more than it is. We're all adults and know what the situation is. I mean, we don't have to wake up and go, 'Holy smokes, we've got to play better.' But I have addressed it this morning to everybody. And to the leaders particularly, but not individually, as a group."
I'm almost getting worn out making fun of this guy. Holy smokes indeed. Don't worry everyone, he addressed it now!
We saw defenseman Mike Green walk into the rink this morning, and he seemed to be limping after suffering a lower-body injury in Game 3. He missed almost all of the third period of the 4-3 loss.
Boudreau would not say whether Green would be in the lineup for Game 4.
"I'm not going to talk too much about injuries today. We'll see who's out there tonight," Boudreau said.
Green however was asked later and provided extensive detail: 'yeah you know, mostly this migrane, really its just ringing in my ears man, and I swear I got some kind of blood circulation thing because my feet are like, freezing at all times! And what else, oh shit, yeah my fibula broke, both of em! I don't even remember, might have been from juniors you know bro?'
The coach said he would not consider making a goaltending change even though he said after Game 3 that he thought Michal Neuvirth wasn't great on a couple of Lightning goals. Then, when asked this morning whether Neuvirth was going to start, Boudreau waffled.
He fucking waffled?! Burny, now we all know the gentleman has a SLIGHT weight problem, but there is absolutely no reason to crack waffle jokes at a time like this.
"Maybe. I'm not going to talk about players," he said.
Wait, didn't he just say his goalie sucked?
One area the Caps must address is the team's play in the third period.
Gee wiz! Guys, you really need to listen to Burny here! He knows! I mean, the third period even?!? Have you gone mad man?!?
The team has taken just five shots in the third period of each of the three games against the Lightning. In Game 3, the Caps blew a 3-2 lead, allowing two Tampa goals in 24 seconds, and lost for the first time this season when leading after two periods.
"Well, it seems to be a point of contention for us right now," Boudreau said. "It's something obviously that's a flag, and we have to change it."
Ha ha! Now, down 3-0, he's going to change it. Thanks Bruce, any new commercials?
Boudreau bristled when asked whether he thought his job was in jeopardy, given the 3-0 deficit.
"Listen, you guys have been asking me that. But what, is your job on the line? Well then, I don't know how to answer that," he said. "Stupid question. Stupid."
Bristle, huch huch, that sounds like brisket! Boy I love me some brisket!
I really think the only way his job could be on the line if they lose tonight, then its a possibility. Anyway fuck off and die everyone ever.
YAY LINK
There are few less inviting places than the locker room of a team down 3-0 in a best-of-seven playoff series.
Um, hell? How about, that compound bin laden was chillin' in? Actually, that was probably rather inviting I would presume. What else lets see, downtown Detroit? Or whichever part was the bad part. Or you know, the Congo or some shit.
There are brave faces and fearless talk, but everywhere is the feel of despair.
That does sound pretty bad.
It was so Wednesday morning in the Washington Capitals' locker room even though there were only a handful of players available, given the team's 4-3 loss against the Tampa Bay Lightning the previous night.
IT WAS SO! Oh Hamletchkin, please save us! This day, for sooth, we find ourselves, that which much forever I, so there I sat. Only a handful of players? What the hell? You guys up so late partying after that rough game? Samplin the bay nightlife?
Caps coach Bruce Boudreau said it's important to look not at the big picture but at the first step.
"You don't think of it as four, think of it as one," he said. "Four seems like a daunting task; one doesn't seem as daunting. Then, if you get successful, you just think of one more. I don't want it to become more than it is. We're all adults and know what the situation is. I mean, we don't have to wake up and go, 'Holy smokes, we've got to play better.' But I have addressed it this morning to everybody. And to the leaders particularly, but not individually, as a group."
I'm almost getting worn out making fun of this guy. Holy smokes indeed. Don't worry everyone, he addressed it now!
We saw defenseman Mike Green walk into the rink this morning, and he seemed to be limping after suffering a lower-body injury in Game 3. He missed almost all of the third period of the 4-3 loss.
Boudreau would not say whether Green would be in the lineup for Game 4.
"I'm not going to talk too much about injuries today. We'll see who's out there tonight," Boudreau said.
Green however was asked later and provided extensive detail: 'yeah you know, mostly this migrane, really its just ringing in my ears man, and I swear I got some kind of blood circulation thing because my feet are like, freezing at all times! And what else, oh shit, yeah my fibula broke, both of em! I don't even remember, might have been from juniors you know bro?'
The coach said he would not consider making a goaltending change even though he said after Game 3 that he thought Michal Neuvirth wasn't great on a couple of Lightning goals. Then, when asked this morning whether Neuvirth was going to start, Boudreau waffled.
He fucking waffled?! Burny, now we all know the gentleman has a SLIGHT weight problem, but there is absolutely no reason to crack waffle jokes at a time like this.
"Maybe. I'm not going to talk about players," he said.
Wait, didn't he just say his goalie sucked?
One area the Caps must address is the team's play in the third period.
Gee wiz! Guys, you really need to listen to Burny here! He knows! I mean, the third period even?!? Have you gone mad man?!?
The team has taken just five shots in the third period of each of the three games against the Lightning. In Game 3, the Caps blew a 3-2 lead, allowing two Tampa goals in 24 seconds, and lost for the first time this season when leading after two periods.
"Well, it seems to be a point of contention for us right now," Boudreau said. "It's something obviously that's a flag, and we have to change it."
Ha ha! Now, down 3-0, he's going to change it. Thanks Bruce, any new commercials?
Boudreau bristled when asked whether he thought his job was in jeopardy, given the 3-0 deficit.
"Listen, you guys have been asking me that. But what, is your job on the line? Well then, I don't know how to answer that," he said. "Stupid question. Stupid."
Bristle, huch huch, that sounds like brisket! Boy I love me some brisket!
I really think the only way his job could be on the line if they lose tonight, then its a possibility. Anyway fuck off and die everyone ever.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Definitely Time to Panic
Normally, I try to stay pretty level-headed, on an even keel, with my head on a swivel, (MUST SWIVEL), but really I have to admit to being pretty bummed out on this stupid series with the crappitening (see, how everyone calls us the crapitals, since its so easy and stupid, i can add crap to any team name!)
So when super douche burger with cheese mike 'not really all that' wise, comes in with an article all about smiles and sunshines and dasies and fruit and other happy gay shit, I just have to FJM it to task.
NHL playoffs 2011: No time for the Capitals, and their fans, to panic
Thank god he prefaced with NHL playoffs 2011: otherwise I would of been like a child with no frame of fucking reference. Lets italic this bitch!
The sky-is-falling Capitals fans want one thing written today. Because they’re so used to doom enveloping their franchise every spring, they want angst, desperation, panic. They want, “OUR SEASON IS 48 HOURS FROM MELTING IN TAMPA!”
But I am here to say: Relax.
Its okay everyone! The bald asshole hack told us we could relax! Phew, I was just about to find the nearest ledge and end this miserable existence once and for all. Also, what the fuck does 'Capitals fans want one thing written today' mean anyway? I don't recall being asked what I wanted written, that's your fucking job to figure our stupid columnist guy.
Despite losing its first two games on home ice,
Despite sucking anus and letting some crummy expansion team walk all over them for two games.
this team has got this series — very likely in six games, seven if Ovi and the boys must. This isn’t a bit; in fact, the likely outcome has already been etched in Stanley Cup playoff annals, circa, oh, 2003.
Wait, wahhh? What's he going for here? The annals even? This isn't a bit everyone, HES NOT CHRIS ROCK!
Look it up: Lightning-Capitals, first round. Two games into their 2011 matchup, the symmetry between the two series almost eight years later is almost eerie.
Its a weird wild mystery! It almost sounds like something completely made up in your head!
Back then, an older Caps team beat a young and inexperienced Tampa Bay club twice on the road before the Lightning’s young legs began to figure out a veteran goaltender in Olie Kolzig, and Nikolai Khabibulin recovered from two shaky starts.
Wait a minute, hold the phone. 8 years ago, there was a playoff series with a bunch of players and coaches that are now no longer close to this current series, BUT ITS THE EXACT SAME. You see, they had an old goalie, we had an old goalie. EERY! you can't make this shit up, oh wait that's exactly what he's doing.
A Washington team featuring an aging Peter Bondra was actually hampered by playing back-to-back games on home ice (on back-to-back religious holidays, no less). The 2011 Lightning have to play on Tuesday and Wednesday because of scheduling conflicts with their arena.
Totally the same and applicable!
The Caps never got the bounces after Game 2 in 2003 and lost four straight. Martin St. Louis was just 27, Vincent Lecavalier was a mere 23. Jaromir Jagr, shadowed for much of the series by his Czech Republic countryman Pavel Kubina, scored just two goals while playing with a sore wrist.
Jagr was a bum who had a sore wrist because (insert obvious masterbation joke here) and he sucked donkey balls until he got back to sucking off marios teet.
Ted Leonsis’s strategy of buying someone else’s star to win a Stanley Cup died the night the Caps lost in triple overtime at home, on a goal scored by St. Louis, before a paltry crowd.
“I have to really reconsider the kind of commitment and investment I’m making with this team,’’ Leonsis said at the time. “I’m not a quitter. . . . It was hard to see 14,000 fans. I don’t like the treatment that we’re getting from the building. The party’s over. To play back-to-back games on Passover and Easter Sunday does not help.’’
Leonsis changed his strategy to simply eating any unrulely fans! And starting a blog! Who knew the hutt could blog.
Leonsis and General Manager George McPhee soon backed up the truck, hauled out the garbage and started over.
They literally had a truck, full of garbage. And Jagr.
With a lockout looming, Leonsis embraced new-age NHL frugality by dumping everybody and building through youth. Then came the drafting of the next NHL superstar, Alex Ovechkin,
Which they totally lucked into moving up several spots in a lottery. Also totally relevant to an article about how we shouldn't be freaking out down 2-0.
who less than three years later became hockey’s first $100 million player, and was joined by Mike Green, Nicklas Backstrom and Alexander Semin to form one of the youngest, most talented nucleuses ever assembled.
Man, and I thought I was just a fanboy. Wise is clearly baiting us here, looking for support from a town that obviously loathes him at this point. Just take your stupid bald face and go write another article on lebron you loser.
But now, Washington fans, the shoe is now on the other foot:
What fucking shoe? You clown. Shoe.
That’s another good omen for the Capitals heading south. Outside of both third periods — and a lazy line change in overtime in Game 2 — Washington has outplayed and outshot Tampa Bay. The other difference has been Lightning goalie Dwayne Roloson, who was 21 when Stamkos was born, 41 now and outstanding through the series’ first two games.
Omens! We need omens! I love his next preface, 'Outside of both third periods' wait you mean when the fucking game is on the fucking line?!? Outside of that?! What else is there really? Not to mention we've gone down in both first periods, but lets just ignore that...
Watching Roloson arch his back and hand-pack his own two extra-large equipment bags with pads, gloves and masks, it dawned on me: Wednesday night in Tampa, the old man between the pipes will be playing his third game in four nights.
What they don't even have trainers?! God I hate Tampa, I hate their stupid bay, i hate their stupid state with shitty old people and no taxes and cheap ass housing and ridiculous humidity and fucking hurricanes and cubans picking oranges. Fuck florida and their old ass goalie.
Backstrom can’t stay quiet forever this postseason.
He clearly missed the burnside article and THE QUALITY FJM CRUSHING ON THIS SITE.
Once Ovechkin starts trusting his teammates again and realizing he can’t do it alone, it could be open season on Roloson.
He's been so good at doing that in the past. Haven't they basically written that about OV every year at this point?
Among the ice-time regulars, the Capitals have almost half the number of key players over 30 that the Lightning has on its roster.
I majored in engineering in college, a really good school too, and that sentence gave me a serious headache and I still don't know which team is younger, or really give two shits. I'm kinda still panicking here Mike..
So save the panic; the tables are about to turn.
Oh shit! Thank god Wise! Now tell me why???
They have to, because the alternative means that eight years after Leonsis blew up the team, his new bells-and-whistles roster is nowhere close to where St. Louis and Lecavalier were in 2003. Worse, it would mean that the young and determined Tampa Bay skaters who directly inspired what Washington has become in 2011 are still better when it counts than the most dynamic young player in the game and his frustrated linemates. It would mean Ovechkin and friends are still not ready. Forty-eight hours before possible elimination, I just don’t see that happening.
So... They have to... (a bunch of shit about disappointment and sucking)... I just don't see that happening?!? You don't?!? With your crystal fucking clear ball?!?
One last piece of symmetry the loyal legions won’t like from 2003.
Wasn't this a 'cheer up caps fans' article?!?
The Lightning didn’t win the Stanley Cup until the following year.
Wow, that's the big symmetry here?
So even after the Caps win this series in six or seven, if this theory holds, they'll most likely have to wait till 2012 to hoist the trophy at Verizon Center. When old-man Roloson is pulled late in Game 4, you will remember these words like you remember the words of the late, great Herb Brooks in the cinematic Disney classic, “Miracle:”
“This is our time. Their time is over.”
Shut up wise, just shut the fuck up. Close your stupid laptop, stop watching caps games, stop pretending to give two shits about hockey and for the love of god will everyone please stop talking about one stupid game from thirty fucking years ago.
And fuck you too Roloson. Thanks for the pick me up Wise now I'm so pissed.
So when super douche burger with cheese mike 'not really all that' wise, comes in with an article all about smiles and sunshines and dasies and fruit and other happy gay shit, I just have to FJM it to task.
NHL playoffs 2011: No time for the Capitals, and their fans, to panic
Thank god he prefaced with NHL playoffs 2011: otherwise I would of been like a child with no frame of fucking reference. Lets italic this bitch!
The sky-is-falling Capitals fans want one thing written today. Because they’re so used to doom enveloping their franchise every spring, they want angst, desperation, panic. They want, “OUR SEASON IS 48 HOURS FROM MELTING IN TAMPA!”
But I am here to say: Relax.
Its okay everyone! The bald asshole hack told us we could relax! Phew, I was just about to find the nearest ledge and end this miserable existence once and for all. Also, what the fuck does 'Capitals fans want one thing written today' mean anyway? I don't recall being asked what I wanted written, that's your fucking job to figure our stupid columnist guy.
Despite losing its first two games on home ice,
Despite sucking anus and letting some crummy expansion team walk all over them for two games.
this team has got this series — very likely in six games, seven if Ovi and the boys must. This isn’t a bit; in fact, the likely outcome has already been etched in Stanley Cup playoff annals, circa, oh, 2003.
Wait, wahhh? What's he going for here? The annals even? This isn't a bit everyone, HES NOT CHRIS ROCK!
Look it up: Lightning-Capitals, first round. Two games into their 2011 matchup, the symmetry between the two series almost eight years later is almost eerie.
Its a weird wild mystery! It almost sounds like something completely made up in your head!
Back then, an older Caps team beat a young and inexperienced Tampa Bay club twice on the road before the Lightning’s young legs began to figure out a veteran goaltender in Olie Kolzig, and Nikolai Khabibulin recovered from two shaky starts.
Wait a minute, hold the phone. 8 years ago, there was a playoff series with a bunch of players and coaches that are now no longer close to this current series, BUT ITS THE EXACT SAME. You see, they had an old goalie, we had an old goalie. EERY! you can't make this shit up, oh wait that's exactly what he's doing.
A Washington team featuring an aging Peter Bondra was actually hampered by playing back-to-back games on home ice (on back-to-back religious holidays, no less). The 2011 Lightning have to play on Tuesday and Wednesday because of scheduling conflicts with their arena.
Totally the same and applicable!
The Caps never got the bounces after Game 2 in 2003 and lost four straight. Martin St. Louis was just 27, Vincent Lecavalier was a mere 23. Jaromir Jagr, shadowed for much of the series by his Czech Republic countryman Pavel Kubina, scored just two goals while playing with a sore wrist.
Jagr was a bum who had a sore wrist because (insert obvious masterbation joke here) and he sucked donkey balls until he got back to sucking off marios teet.
Ted Leonsis’s strategy of buying someone else’s star to win a Stanley Cup died the night the Caps lost in triple overtime at home, on a goal scored by St. Louis, before a paltry crowd.
“I have to really reconsider the kind of commitment and investment I’m making with this team,’’ Leonsis said at the time. “I’m not a quitter. . . . It was hard to see 14,000 fans. I don’t like the treatment that we’re getting from the building. The party’s over. To play back-to-back games on Passover and Easter Sunday does not help.’’
Leonsis changed his strategy to simply eating any unrulely fans! And starting a blog! Who knew the hutt could blog.
Leonsis and General Manager George McPhee soon backed up the truck, hauled out the garbage and started over.
They literally had a truck, full of garbage. And Jagr.
With a lockout looming, Leonsis embraced new-age NHL frugality by dumping everybody and building through youth. Then came the drafting of the next NHL superstar, Alex Ovechkin,
Which they totally lucked into moving up several spots in a lottery. Also totally relevant to an article about how we shouldn't be freaking out down 2-0.
who less than three years later became hockey’s first $100 million player, and was joined by Mike Green, Nicklas Backstrom and Alexander Semin to form one of the youngest, most talented nucleuses ever assembled.
Man, and I thought I was just a fanboy. Wise is clearly baiting us here, looking for support from a town that obviously loathes him at this point. Just take your stupid bald face and go write another article on lebron you loser.
But now, Washington fans, the shoe is now on the other foot:
What fucking shoe? You clown. Shoe.
That’s another good omen for the Capitals heading south. Outside of both third periods — and a lazy line change in overtime in Game 2 — Washington has outplayed and outshot Tampa Bay. The other difference has been Lightning goalie Dwayne Roloson, who was 21 when Stamkos was born, 41 now and outstanding through the series’ first two games.
Omens! We need omens! I love his next preface, 'Outside of both third periods' wait you mean when the fucking game is on the fucking line?!? Outside of that?! What else is there really? Not to mention we've gone down in both first periods, but lets just ignore that...
Watching Roloson arch his back and hand-pack his own two extra-large equipment bags with pads, gloves and masks, it dawned on me: Wednesday night in Tampa, the old man between the pipes will be playing his third game in four nights.
What they don't even have trainers?! God I hate Tampa, I hate their stupid bay, i hate their stupid state with shitty old people and no taxes and cheap ass housing and ridiculous humidity and fucking hurricanes and cubans picking oranges. Fuck florida and their old ass goalie.
Backstrom can’t stay quiet forever this postseason.
He clearly missed the burnside article and THE QUALITY FJM CRUSHING ON THIS SITE.
Once Ovechkin starts trusting his teammates again and realizing he can’t do it alone, it could be open season on Roloson.
He's been so good at doing that in the past. Haven't they basically written that about OV every year at this point?
Among the ice-time regulars, the Capitals have almost half the number of key players over 30 that the Lightning has on its roster.
I majored in engineering in college, a really good school too, and that sentence gave me a serious headache and I still don't know which team is younger, or really give two shits. I'm kinda still panicking here Mike..
So save the panic; the tables are about to turn.
Oh shit! Thank god Wise! Now tell me why???
They have to, because the alternative means that eight years after Leonsis blew up the team, his new bells-and-whistles roster is nowhere close to where St. Louis and Lecavalier were in 2003. Worse, it would mean that the young and determined Tampa Bay skaters who directly inspired what Washington has become in 2011 are still better when it counts than the most dynamic young player in the game and his frustrated linemates. It would mean Ovechkin and friends are still not ready. Forty-eight hours before possible elimination, I just don’t see that happening.
So... They have to... (a bunch of shit about disappointment and sucking)... I just don't see that happening?!? You don't?!? With your crystal fucking clear ball?!?
One last piece of symmetry the loyal legions won’t like from 2003.
Wasn't this a 'cheer up caps fans' article?!?
The Lightning didn’t win the Stanley Cup until the following year.
Wow, that's the big symmetry here?
So even after the Caps win this series in six or seven, if this theory holds, they'll most likely have to wait till 2012 to hoist the trophy at Verizon Center. When old-man Roloson is pulled late in Game 4, you will remember these words like you remember the words of the late, great Herb Brooks in the cinematic Disney classic, “Miracle:”
“This is our time. Their time is over.”
Shut up wise, just shut the fuck up. Close your stupid laptop, stop watching caps games, stop pretending to give two shits about hockey and for the love of god will everyone please stop talking about one stupid game from thirty fucking years ago.
And fuck you too Roloson. Thanks for the pick me up Wise now I'm so pissed.
Game 3
BB: Ok guys, lets bring it in here!
(Everyone skates in)
BB: Okay, thanks guys for showing up *wink wink, see what I did there Brooksie, I winked and said wink wink with a star? that means sarcasm my boy!
BL: Thanks ass.
BB: Alright here we go, back to Tampa huh? Who saw this coming? Any thoughts Mikey?
MG52: Honestly Coach, I have no fucking idea. I mean, I'm on like my fourth straight concussion here ya know? My thumb I swear broke three years ago and these dipshit trainers won't fix it, I can't even keep my fucking glove on it. These headaches are really killin' me coach, I was slam dancing last night at the club and the lights kept fucking with me. I swear I got that E-coli shit, had a really rare burger at the cheesecake factory earlier.
BB: Okay, thanks Mikey for the update. Alright, now, again, we're playing the Lightening!
(grumble)
Now we all remember a few years back, remember? We beat the Rangers in seven! Alright, so lets see here, Ov are you here today?
(crickets chirp, backstrom giggles)
Okay, no OV, thats fine, must be a maintenance day.
(Suddenly the boards start shaking violently, the ground begins to tremble and horror washes over the face of each player and assistant coach)
LeonsisTheHutt: AAHHHHHVvagfaassdfd! Sooooooooooooo Bruceyyyyyy, yosuewsfasdsf weras toeehehee hat!
(Mchphee slivers from behind)
GMGM: Welll.......... hello fellows.... (pauses for 50 seconds) so, down 2-OH huh??? Well, as you just heard our fearless leader is not happy!
BB: Gentlemen! Please, I don't think we need to distract the team like this!
LTH: Asdfadsfashhhhhhhsdfs Bruuccccccccccccceeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy!
(LeonsisTheHutt glides across the floor leaving a trail of goo and consumes the coach in one bite)
MG52: Holy shit he ate him right up!
(backstrom keeps giggling)
GMGM: Well you see what happens now? Don't worry, coach will be fine, Ted will have no problem regurgitating once he realizes butch cassidy is busy and can't come coach tonight. (pauses for a half hour) but don't fret, i firmly believe I have assembled the right mix of talented yountster, (pauses for two hours) and seasoned veterans.
LTH: HAHTHAHAHA GMGM! adsfawewwwwwwwwwerasshshshs again!
GMGM: You heard the man! Get to work!
MG52: What the fuck is going on here?
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Trade Backstrom Now, Before It's Too Late!
Burnside checks in with yet another gripping tale on the most grave and dire of circumstances! A number one seed after rolling through the first round in a scintillating five contests now fall in a single game (#missedpenalty/flukegoal) so clearly its time to question a player you just locked up for a billion years and a half billion dollars. (or something close). On now to the italics!
His voice is barely above a whisper.
It is the soft voice of a player who knows he is not doing enough.
It is the quiet voice of a player who knows he must do more.
It is the whispery voice of a player failing at a time when his services are needed most.
It is the voice of Nicklas Backstrom.
It is the voice of an asshole hack writer who can't start a lame article (blog entry) without some douchetastic poetic wasping. Great five lines in and we all assume Backy is a giant vaginal.
"I mean, of course you're frustrated, especially when you had that tap-in yesterday," Backstrom told reporters at the team's practice facility Saturday. "You obviously want to help your team as much as you can. But the thing is, I mean, I'm trying to do my best all the time out there. I'm doing penalty killing and things like that, too.
"But I should have been scoring a lot more goals. That's for sure."
Hogwash Nick! You have one point my boy, must be end of the world time!
The tap-in to which Backstrom referred was a glorious chance during the second period of Game 1 of the Capitals Eastern Conference semifinal series against the Tampa Bay Lightning. At the time, the Capitals led 2-1 and were dominating the Lightning.
Glorious? Let us pray lord for a most amazing of graces...
After a terrific Alex Ovechkin chance, the puck bounced free in the crease area, and Backstrom took several whacks at it but could not connect.
Who knows how this game would have turned out had the slick center made good on the chance? Would a 3-1 lead have been enough?
Who knows, what if the arena had been struck by lightening, or what if the puck just magically burst into a glittering cloud of powder and no other puck could be found, or what if aliens had come down and bowed to ovechkin as their god thus granting our franchise permanent stanley cup ownership.
The point is moot, of course, given that Backstrom came up empty and the Lightning went on to score twice late in the second period then add an empty-netter to earn a 4-2 victory in Game 1.
It is a mug's game to single out one player on a team and suggest if only he had done more, been better the outcome would have been different.
Oh boy it sounds like almost time for more beautiful poetry... Take it way e.b....
Doesn't stop us from doing so, though.
And that is the nature of the playoffs.
Praise goes to those players who can find a way, regardless of their stature.
I picture a waterfall, with large gazing pines and windswept fields below, a river cutting through a dense fog with a really big black border around it on the crummy walls of burnside's shitty office in the basement of the fifth building on espn headquarters.
We watched Benn Ferriero score the overtime winner for the San Jose Sharks Friday night after being a healthy scratch for the first six games of the playoffs.
Totally relevent in an article on Nicky Backstrom, center of the Caps. Oh by the way, did you hear, Chara hit that dude into the wall! and then someone else scored!
Steven Stamkos scored the winner in Game 1 against the Capitals on the power play after having a difficult first round.
Good for stamkos...
Conversely, the failure to deliver those moments, especially for players whose raison d'etre is to score, to make plays, to push a team forward, brings with it the sting of criticism.
I really think he was eating raisins while writing that.
Throwing Marian Gaborik under the bus for his failures in the playoffs has become a rite of spring. How often did we question Marian Hossa during recent playoff years? Joe Thornton, Patrick Marleau -- the list of top players who have somehow failed to deliver the goods is long.
All four of these guys are Backstrom in a different form you see, they're all related as a single hockey playing entity, we are all one energy existing between rink to rink, funneling goals between only great players and not fellows who deserve such lofty contracts.
Backstrom has been relatively free of such criticism.
FUCK YOU BACKSTROM TIME TO GET YOURS BUDDY!
But that he did not score on the tap-in or later on a glorious chance from the deep slot off a terrific Ovechkin feed isn't all that surprising.
Backstrom has gone 14 straight games without a goal and has scored just three times in his last 24 games.
So he just pretty much sucks.
The center's play has been a bit of a curiosity this postseason.
Weeee I'm curious George!
Unlike a talent such as Alexander Semin, whose presence this playoff year has yo-yoed from the brilliant to the banal, sometimes from shift to shift, Backstrom appears neither here nor there.
(Ponders for twenty minutes how 'here nor there' and 'yo-yoed' are much different... head explodes)
"I think you take the scoring away and he's doing a really good job," coach Bruce Boudreau said Saturday. "He still plays the most of any minutes of our forwards. But I think he's squeezing the stick pretty tight.
"He wants to do really well. He doesn't give the puck away or anything like that. I think he's trying to be too cute and make the perfect play. And it's taking a toll on his scoring."
It's easy to suggest a player should score more.
Clearly, you've written an entire article on the topic.
How to help him do that is more complex. Boudreau said he is in communication with his top pivot in the hopes of getting him back on track.
"I think you can give him some ideas," Boudreau said. "I gave him some ideas yesterday. And I'll talk to him in a few minutes and tell him what I think he was doing last night.
I HAVE IDEAS! I HAVE PEOPLE SKILLS! GET ME PEPPERONI!
It's early in these playoffs, one game into the second round. And Backstrom is young, just 23.
But sometimes the line between early and done is razor fine.
Another loss at home on Sunday night against Tampa, and all of a sudden the Washington Capitals' dream of a long playoff run will turn nightmarish.
Its early....WILL TURN NIGHTMARISH!
In the end, though, it doesn't matter that Backstrom is self-aware and candid about his need to be better.
This is a player in the first year of a 10-year contract extension that pays him an average of $6.7 million annually.
It is his job to deliver the goods. It is that simple.
Is there more pressure on him now than a couple of years ago? Of course.
Just had to squeeze in another dig at his contract huh? God forbid, a 23 year old kid works out some kinks in his game. Datsyuk was playing KHL scrubs at 23...
"Yeah, absolutely, and it should be, too, and I put high expectation on myself, too," Backstrom said.
It is fair, then, to ask when expectation will give way to results. And for the Washington Capitals, the answer must be soon.
I thought it was early? Thanks Burny for your take yet again, you have proven yourself just and a scholar of highest order!
Glorious.
His voice is barely above a whisper.
It is the soft voice of a player who knows he is not doing enough.
It is the quiet voice of a player who knows he must do more.
It is the whispery voice of a player failing at a time when his services are needed most.
It is the voice of Nicklas Backstrom.
It is the voice of an asshole hack writer who can't start a lame article (blog entry) without some douchetastic poetic wasping. Great five lines in and we all assume Backy is a giant vaginal.
"I mean, of course you're frustrated, especially when you had that tap-in yesterday," Backstrom told reporters at the team's practice facility Saturday. "You obviously want to help your team as much as you can. But the thing is, I mean, I'm trying to do my best all the time out there. I'm doing penalty killing and things like that, too.
"But I should have been scoring a lot more goals. That's for sure."
Hogwash Nick! You have one point my boy, must be end of the world time!
The tap-in to which Backstrom referred was a glorious chance during the second period of Game 1 of the Capitals Eastern Conference semifinal series against the Tampa Bay Lightning. At the time, the Capitals led 2-1 and were dominating the Lightning.
Glorious? Let us pray lord for a most amazing of graces...
After a terrific Alex Ovechkin chance, the puck bounced free in the crease area, and Backstrom took several whacks at it but could not connect.
Who knows how this game would have turned out had the slick center made good on the chance? Would a 3-1 lead have been enough?
Who knows, what if the arena had been struck by lightening, or what if the puck just magically burst into a glittering cloud of powder and no other puck could be found, or what if aliens had come down and bowed to ovechkin as their god thus granting our franchise permanent stanley cup ownership.
The point is moot, of course, given that Backstrom came up empty and the Lightning went on to score twice late in the second period then add an empty-netter to earn a 4-2 victory in Game 1.
It is a mug's game to single out one player on a team and suggest if only he had done more, been better the outcome would have been different.
Oh boy it sounds like almost time for more beautiful poetry... Take it way e.b....
Doesn't stop us from doing so, though.
And that is the nature of the playoffs.
Praise goes to those players who can find a way, regardless of their stature.
I picture a waterfall, with large gazing pines and windswept fields below, a river cutting through a dense fog with a really big black border around it on the crummy walls of burnside's shitty office in the basement of the fifth building on espn headquarters.
We watched Benn Ferriero score the overtime winner for the San Jose Sharks Friday night after being a healthy scratch for the first six games of the playoffs.
Totally relevent in an article on Nicky Backstrom, center of the Caps. Oh by the way, did you hear, Chara hit that dude into the wall! and then someone else scored!
Steven Stamkos scored the winner in Game 1 against the Capitals on the power play after having a difficult first round.
Good for stamkos...
Conversely, the failure to deliver those moments, especially for players whose raison d'etre is to score, to make plays, to push a team forward, brings with it the sting of criticism.
I really think he was eating raisins while writing that.
Throwing Marian Gaborik under the bus for his failures in the playoffs has become a rite of spring. How often did we question Marian Hossa during recent playoff years? Joe Thornton, Patrick Marleau -- the list of top players who have somehow failed to deliver the goods is long.
All four of these guys are Backstrom in a different form you see, they're all related as a single hockey playing entity, we are all one energy existing between rink to rink, funneling goals between only great players and not fellows who deserve such lofty contracts.
Backstrom has been relatively free of such criticism.
FUCK YOU BACKSTROM TIME TO GET YOURS BUDDY!
But that he did not score on the tap-in or later on a glorious chance from the deep slot off a terrific Ovechkin feed isn't all that surprising.
Backstrom has gone 14 straight games without a goal and has scored just three times in his last 24 games.
So he just pretty much sucks.
The center's play has been a bit of a curiosity this postseason.
Weeee I'm curious George!
Unlike a talent such as Alexander Semin, whose presence this playoff year has yo-yoed from the brilliant to the banal, sometimes from shift to shift, Backstrom appears neither here nor there.
(Ponders for twenty minutes how 'here nor there' and 'yo-yoed' are much different... head explodes)
"I think you take the scoring away and he's doing a really good job," coach Bruce Boudreau said Saturday. "He still plays the most of any minutes of our forwards. But I think he's squeezing the stick pretty tight.
"He wants to do really well. He doesn't give the puck away or anything like that. I think he's trying to be too cute and make the perfect play. And it's taking a toll on his scoring."
It's easy to suggest a player should score more.
Clearly, you've written an entire article on the topic.
How to help him do that is more complex. Boudreau said he is in communication with his top pivot in the hopes of getting him back on track.
"I think you can give him some ideas," Boudreau said. "I gave him some ideas yesterday. And I'll talk to him in a few minutes and tell him what I think he was doing last night.
I HAVE IDEAS! I HAVE PEOPLE SKILLS! GET ME PEPPERONI!
It's early in these playoffs, one game into the second round. And Backstrom is young, just 23.
But sometimes the line between early and done is razor fine.
Another loss at home on Sunday night against Tampa, and all of a sudden the Washington Capitals' dream of a long playoff run will turn nightmarish.
Its early....WILL TURN NIGHTMARISH!
In the end, though, it doesn't matter that Backstrom is self-aware and candid about his need to be better.
This is a player in the first year of a 10-year contract extension that pays him an average of $6.7 million annually.
It is his job to deliver the goods. It is that simple.
Is there more pressure on him now than a couple of years ago? Of course.
Just had to squeeze in another dig at his contract huh? God forbid, a 23 year old kid works out some kinks in his game. Datsyuk was playing KHL scrubs at 23...
"Yeah, absolutely, and it should be, too, and I put high expectation on myself, too," Backstrom said.
It is fair, then, to ask when expectation will give way to results. And for the Washington Capitals, the answer must be soon.
I thought it was early? Thanks Burny for your take yet again, you have proven yourself just and a scholar of highest order!
Glorious.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Something's Missing Alright!
So we are trying a new post style, coined in better places as FJM style, I will now, quite poorly mind you, dissect a recent publishing on our great squad:
"Capitals may need to make a move before the NHL trade deadline" - John Fiensteineneeeniinenenstinnen
!Cool Article!
The Washington Capitals celebrated the career of Dino Ciccarelli on Tuesday night at Verizon Center. The evening was a Dino-fest, complete with video highlights of his career, audio messages from former teammates, and the tough little winger dropping a ceremonial puck. Ciccarelli was inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame this past November.
TOUGH LITTLE WINGERS! TOUGH LITTLE WINGERS! HES THE DAVID ECKSTIEN OF HOCKEY!
He played a little more than three of his 19 NHL seasons in Washington. He scored 112 of his 608 career goals as a Capital after nine seasons in Minnesota. In the first four seasons after he left the Capitals, he scored 107 goals for the Detroit Red Wings. He was a four-time all-star: three times in Minnesota and once with the Tampa Bay Lightning.
And yet Verizon Center on Tuesday felt like Gordie Howe Night in Detroit or Bobby Orr Night in Boston. It was sweet and nice - but it was also a stretch. In their 37 seasons, the Capitals can call two Hall of Famers their own: Rod Langway and Mike Gartner, though Langway's only Stanley Cup came in Montreal.
That's why the Capitals are always searching for legacy players and legacy moments: There just aren't a lot of either.
What a bunch of back-handed, loaded bullshit to spew in the direction of a franchise you clearly view as a joke.
The Caps' power play hasn't been quite as bad recently as, say, the Wizards on the road, but it has definitely been MIA: nine goals in 88 chances over their past 27 games entering Tuesday. Like a lot of Pepco customers last week, Caps fans have been asking, "When will we get our power back?"
Love how he jumps in here with a quick dig at the Wizards. 'What's that oh great sports editor, you want a f--kin' hockey article?!?! Shit, who watches that crappp!?!?'
"We didn't let down," Coach Bruce Boudreau said. "We just made a couple of mistakes."
Call it what you want. It didn't soothe the crowd, some of whom resorted to boos at the end of the second period. Even among the Caps, there appeared to be confusion as to what had gone wrong after the encouraging start.
All he talks about is the crowd noise, that's his entire measurement of a hockey organization.
Several players and Boudreau said the exact same thing initially when asked what had changed: "I don't honestly know."
Just gripping commentary here, and I wonder why NHL is a distant fourth in the national sports scale...
And then there was the suddenly mercurial superstar, Alex Ovechkin, whose postgame voice seems to get softer and softer as his scoring struggles stretch from December to January and now into February. Through Tuesday night, he was 10th in the league in points, hardly awful but hardly worthy of the Great Eight. He has scored 13 goals fewer than Sidney Crosby - even though Crosby has played 11 fewer games - and it is tough to put them in the same sentence at this point in this season.
Ovechkin! Finally, ok back to Feinnsienntineens mind: 'Hmmmm.... need something here about ovechkin, ok.... MUST MENTION CROSBY AS SOON AS POSSIBLE
Ovechkin's playing as hard as ever.
Wait I thought you just said...
Ovechkin's playing as hard as ever. For a moment Tuesday, it looked like he might have turned the momentum around when he cleanly flipped Montreal rookie P.K. Subban to the ice, causing the embarrassed Subban to take a retaliation penalty. That power play lasted 22 seconds before Brooks Laich went off for tripping while trying to stay onside coming into the zone.
Sigh.
"We know the answers have to come from this room," Hendricks said. "They're in here."
Sigh. Mother F--in' sigh. F-- you John, F--- YOU. Take that fu--in sigh and go f--- yourself with your fu--in typewriter.
Every once in a while, a team needs to pay attention to history when it's trying to write some of its own.
Thanks John, and now I will promptly blow my head off at the thought of yet another caps playoff collapse.
"Capitals may need to make a move before the NHL trade deadline" - John Fiensteineneeeniinenenstinnen
!Cool Article!
The Washington Capitals celebrated the career of Dino Ciccarelli on Tuesday night at Verizon Center. The evening was a Dino-fest, complete with video highlights of his career, audio messages from former teammates, and the tough little winger dropping a ceremonial puck. Ciccarelli was inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame this past November.
TOUGH LITTLE WINGERS! TOUGH LITTLE WINGERS! HES THE DAVID ECKSTIEN OF HOCKEY!
He played a little more than three of his 19 NHL seasons in Washington. He scored 112 of his 608 career goals as a Capital after nine seasons in Minnesota. In the first four seasons after he left the Capitals, he scored 107 goals for the Detroit Red Wings. He was a four-time all-star: three times in Minnesota and once with the Tampa Bay Lightning.
And yet Verizon Center on Tuesday felt like Gordie Howe Night in Detroit or Bobby Orr Night in Boston. It was sweet and nice - but it was also a stretch. In their 37 seasons, the Capitals can call two Hall of Famers their own: Rod Langway and Mike Gartner, though Langway's only Stanley Cup came in Montreal.
That's why the Capitals are always searching for legacy players and legacy moments: There just aren't a lot of either.
What a bunch of back-handed, loaded bullshit to spew in the direction of a franchise you clearly view as a joke.
The Caps' power play hasn't been quite as bad recently as, say, the Wizards on the road, but it has definitely been MIA: nine goals in 88 chances over their past 27 games entering Tuesday. Like a lot of Pepco customers last week, Caps fans have been asking, "When will we get our power back?"
Love how he jumps in here with a quick dig at the Wizards. 'What's that oh great sports editor, you want a f--kin' hockey article?!?! Shit, who watches that crappp!?!?'
"We didn't let down," Coach Bruce Boudreau said. "We just made a couple of mistakes."
Call it what you want. It didn't soothe the crowd, some of whom resorted to boos at the end of the second period. Even among the Caps, there appeared to be confusion as to what had gone wrong after the encouraging start.
All he talks about is the crowd noise, that's his entire measurement of a hockey organization.
Several players and Boudreau said the exact same thing initially when asked what had changed: "I don't honestly know."
Just gripping commentary here, and I wonder why NHL is a distant fourth in the national sports scale...
And then there was the suddenly mercurial superstar, Alex Ovechkin, whose postgame voice seems to get softer and softer as his scoring struggles stretch from December to January and now into February. Through Tuesday night, he was 10th in the league in points, hardly awful but hardly worthy of the Great Eight. He has scored 13 goals fewer than Sidney Crosby - even though Crosby has played 11 fewer games - and it is tough to put them in the same sentence at this point in this season.
Ovechkin! Finally, ok back to Feinnsienntineens mind: 'Hmmmm.... need something here about ovechkin, ok.... MUST MENTION CROSBY AS SOON AS POSSIBLE
Ovechkin's playing as hard as ever.
Wait I thought you just said...
Ovechkin's playing as hard as ever. For a moment Tuesday, it looked like he might have turned the momentum around when he cleanly flipped Montreal rookie P.K. Subban to the ice, causing the embarrassed Subban to take a retaliation penalty. That power play lasted 22 seconds before Brooks Laich went off for tripping while trying to stay onside coming into the zone.
Sigh.
"We know the answers have to come from this room," Hendricks said. "They're in here."
Sigh. Mother F--in' sigh. F-- you John, F--- YOU. Take that fu--in sigh and go f--- yourself with your fu--in typewriter.
Every once in a while, a team needs to pay attention to history when it's trying to write some of its own.
Thanks John, and now I will promptly blow my head off at the thought of yet another caps playoff collapse.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
A New Year!
BB: Okay guys bring it in!
(They bring it in)
BB: Okay! First of all thanks everyone for mostly showing up this morning! I'm sure our trusty captain is off somewhere resting up for the big game...
BB: You guys are clearly showing the right levels of concentration and determination here. Now listen, I know we had some setbacks, lost a few games last month, couple guys not scoring much, but come on, don't hang your heads right? Don't feel soooo sad yeah? I mean, didn't we win the division the last three years?! Wasn't a certain highly talented leader and coach not recently named recipient of the Jack Adams? huh huh? Okay, that's what I thought. Listen, we're all superstars okay? I mean, shit, we just won the Winter Classic! Now that's something to be proud of!
(rest of the team grumbles)
BB: Okay I can see I'm not getting through to you guys today, how about a special guest? Fellas say hello to a good pal of mine here to give us a good pep talk:
EAGLE: HEYYYYY KIPHTHDS! HOPE YOUR HAVING A SUPER TIME!
MG52: Really, the fucking mascot?
EAGLE: WEEEEEEE I HAVE A GINANTT HEADDDD !!! HAHAHAHA
BB: Okay, mister eagle, please tell the team those inspirational words again.
EAGLE: EAGLE NO WORDSSSPTHTTT!
BB: No remember? You were giving me all kinds of great advice in the buffet line the other day! That A1 sauce sure was delic right eagle?! Ha ha!
MG52: (whispers to Schultzy) This guy is fucking losing it.
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