Party Time Excellent!

(somewhere in suburban DC, home of nhl pro Brooks Laich)

Crowd: (Mostly losers and dweebs) YAY!!!!!!

BL21: Wow! Okay guys thanks for coming! Oh My Gosh! Can you believe it! Well well well, here we are, huh? Friends, family, loved ones! Beautiful babes! Coach! Oh my coach, that sweet wizard, that wonder of girth, giant of gab, that great strategic mind that convinced me to stay! What can I say, but a most heartfelt thank you!

BB: Wow Brooks I never really expected that! I mean, come on, its enough you invited us over to your wonderful pool pavilion!

BL21: I know coach, I rented the veranda for 250 per hour!

BB: What a deal my boy!

BL21: I learn from the best!

(a doorbell rings)

BL21: Oh my another guest! I shall go and answer the door to my gigantic unearned mansion!

(walks through crappy duplex and opens creaky door)

OV: Sup brook laich!

BL21: OV@!!!!! Oh MY GOD! Hot tub bro, you are gettin wet pronto!

OV: Ha ha! You funny white boy, no me and woman here go for dinner, we come back later, 2 am ish?

BL21: Naw man come on back! Even coach came! Come on man, we're celebratin my contract man! There's even fireworks!

OV: Listen, brook, ovechkin give support yes? I come by, shab apartment life, but you know, that is good right? See, ovechkin need fuel, and pussy see? I take this blond behind back, cause a ruckus no? Instead, we go back to ovechkin place yeah? Mum, come visit from homeland, bring potato!

BL21: Come on Alex, I'm beggin you, couldn't you atleast hang for like 10 minutes? Please????

OV: Fine, we make out by bush for five.

(They return to party)

(Another knock on door, 21 answers promptly)

MG52: Yo Brooksies! Mike green, nhl defensemen here, Heard you were throwin a rave bro! Ha ha, man some contract dude, sweet terms! I saw the message boards were buzzin man! All bitchin' about no hometown discount and shit, You know what I say bro, fuck em! Ha ha! That hutt bitch and his buttboy makafi ain't nuthin!

BL21: OH MY GOD MIKEY YOU HAVE TO STAY!

MG52: Shit man, whatcha up to?

BL21: Well, shit, we got fireworks! Coach is here too, great guy man, I really think he was robbed this year on the jackadams....

MG52: What are you, fuckin retarded?!?

BL21: Well, I just mean, you know his wizardry....

MG52: Man, fuck that noise, I gotta bounce, just wanted to stop by on my way to the D. R.ssss...

BL21: What?!? Oh no Mikey!

MG52: Just routine shit, that damn fungus sprung up again on my tizaint, you know, I was going down on that girl we met at starbucks, fuckin hep flared up on the lip, not sure what the hell happened there, starting gettin these damn nose bleeds, like all the fuckin time man, I was like yo doc, you gotta get me some shit here man, not to mention the fucking strep I had for like 4 weeks man, woke up the other day this giant fuckin' tick just chillin in my urethra, i swear i was pukin blood for weeks.

BL21: Shit, cool man, thanks for stoppin by!

MG52: Peace bro.

(He leaves, 21 walks back to the party, BB is by the grill)

BB: Hey Brooksies! Are you gonna smoke these suasages or do I have to DO EVERTHING!

(backstrom giggles, ovechkin and his girl do anal)

BL21: My, what a grand party!

(BB dons a wizard hat)

BB: Oh yes son! This is what happens when you focus!

(Eric fehr sits in a cage outside the veranda)

BB: See poor fehrsies over there! I mean, the nerve, to take a TWO MINUTE penalty in a playoff game! Well I've never!

BL21: Yes coach, that is not the leadership we require!

BB: Oh no! We must be diligent!

(Another ring of the doorbell)

BL21: Gosh! Quite the crowd huh wiz?!

(He goes to answer the door)

(a hutt sand crusier pulls up)

A voice: AHERHEA!!!! Ayouwers aswerws sth eerqwe two! Brooksiesssedhsdfsthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I commadnwerdsdrfsder theee!!!!!

(GMGM slithers from the upper balcony)

GMGM: Ahhh yes! (pauses for 18 minutes) Quite the shin-dig! I mean, for all of the planet and galaxy to attend! Oh what is that, boy, Brooksies, you forget our invitations?!? (Pauses and glares at 21 for two hours) Yessss, I see, so what now boy?!? We have stormed your precious lair!

BL21: (stammering) Wow, oh my gosh, listen George, crap may I call you George? I mean, sir, I just want to say again, thank you from the most bottomist part my heart, I swear!

(A shadow, deep in a most treacherous of darkness, passes dramatically over the door frame)

LeonsisTheHutt: SOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, Broookkksssieessssssssssssss, youthinkyouhaveoutsmartedtdddddddd a huttttttttt/?!?!?!? Wellll, see here my laddddddddddddddddd, atertshtasehrselrasd laeraeiadlnflksdrw wlherlhsl  werlakj haweroujo adfjalwe asdfa ssucks!!!!!!

BL21: Uhhh....

BB: Oh my god what a party! Turn up the jams!

LeonsisTheHutt: Isssssss thattt bruccieeeeeeeeee??!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

(The end, I hope)

The Greatest Coach's Clinic in the World!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, lofty readers of this great blog, I now present to you in its fullest, either a great clinic, or the SINGLE MOST important moment in the history of clinics:

Yes our fearless leader, the greatness of girth, gabby the wide, brucie pie has decided to strut his stuff for the poor saps who showed at some crazy boneheaded gathering called the 'Roger Neilson's Coaches Clinic' which I am about 99% sure is completely made up in the giant head of the buffoon in the picture above. Roger Nielson definitely sounds made up... and if Roger knew they got some mouthbreathing donut-craving lunatic as keynote speaker, well, ole' roger didn't know what he was signing up for! Oh wait, there's an article!

Yay

Ah the Windsor Star! Now there is some esteemed publication! To think, they would stoop so low, in this time of most extreme worldwide conflicts and events, they would actually work out the time and resources to cover such an event!

As Jim Ralph, emcee for this year's Roger Neilson's Coaches Clinic at the University of Windsor, introduced Friday's first speaker, Washington Capitals coach Bruce Boudreau, he couldn't help but get in a playful dig.

Jim Ralph! Ha ha! A playful dig huh, please Jim, not another insensitive fat joke, I mean really haven't we taken things too far at this point?!

Boudreau's topic of discussion was defensive system overhaul: a different approach.

"Tomorrow, he'll be speaking on a different subject," Ralph suggested. "When to go back to the original plan.
 
"I'm guessing it would be after Game 2."

Oh Jim! What a delightful yarn! My the comedy, the insane ribbing that must go on during the great coach's clinic! This must of been exactly what it felt like in that first SNL writer's meeting back in the Seventies...


As much as Boudreau, whose first NHL coach was Neilson, is enjoying his weekend in Windsor sharing wisdom with fellow coaches, there's a place he'd much rather be right now.

Yup, Golden Corral is having a huge deal tonight on the buffet! All you can eat shrimp!

Amidst the Stanley Cup final, where so many pundits put his club at the start of the National Hockey League season.

What, huh? Who?! Show me the pundit who put this perpetually choking joke of a franchise in the final? If they did their either Mike Wise or batshit insane, okay so that's redundant I know... (This joke brought to you by the genius of the Roger Nielson Comedy coaches clinic!)

The Capitals, though, are just the latest team to learn Lord Stanley's punishing lesson.

There's no winning your way to a title, or in the case of our owner, no eating our way to one either!

His trophy is hard to win, and the road toward it is fraught with misfortune and heartache.

Indeed, the gorlacks and celestial space gangs make trekking this terrible desert land most grave!

"We were talking about it this morning over breakfast," admitted Boudreau.

"I demand a fucking waffle station you  piece of shit hotel!!!! Oh yeah, it sucked losing again huh?"

"No one's won back-to-back titles since Detroit (1996-97, 1997-98). Maybe we're just not ready yet, and our year will be next year."

Are you fucking mental you fat fuck?! Are you really comparing yourselves to the damn red wings now you classless douchenozzle?! There is more skill, expertise, knowledge and hockey ability in datsyuk and zetterbergs love goo (I heard they were an item) then in your fucking brain you asshat. Go talk to another clinic in Warsaw or Windsor or whatever the fuck town they hold these stupid gatherings in conference room 4 of the best western.

"It takes time to win."

He later added, 'much like it took myself over ten long grueling years of constant buffet trips, triple servings of ice cream and a good ole fashioned hankering for twinkees that set me over the edge! I had to work to be as wide as I am tall dammit!'

Since the time ran out on Washington's latest Stanley Cup journey much earlier than anticipated, serious questions have been posed about Boudreau's team.

Such as, Why do you always suck? Why do you have a captain who can't even show up for practice and is too busy hitting the hookah? Why is Mike Green on my hockey team? Where is the goal? What is a power play? Why does the sun shine? Boudreau, as usual, had no answers...

It's nothing that the Wings didn't hear during the many years they came up short of the goal, or that the San Jose Sharks continue to hear as they hold the dishonour as the best team in the West without a title.

Is this the gist of his speech at this COACHS CLINIC!?!? 'Hey guys, now I know we suck, but.... other teams suck too! Ha see, we're not soo bad! Remember, fellow minor league and highschool doucherapist coaches, you too can just suck ass and blame it on nothing and then mention other crappy teams to redeem yourself! Remember kids, only 1 team wins the cup each year!

"Somebody told me this year it took (Sharks captain) Joe Thornton 14 years to finally get what it's like in the playoffs," Boudreau said.

"He played a very good playoff, and everybody's complained about his playoffs in previous years.

"It's a different animal."

Thorton is a bum, I'm shocked GMGM hasn't offered up a 20 year contract yet... I love how here its 'a different animal' but according to GMGM its all just hockey, a good coach is a good coach blah blah..

In the search for answers, Boudreau doesn't think it takes a hockey Einstein to figure things out.

Well good fucking thing. Okay back to our clinic, 'Now guys, I'm Brucie, big time hockey coach, and what I think is, you don't have to be smart to find answers! See fellas, just be an idiot all the time! Shit will fall into your lap eventually!'

"When teams lose, you're looking for major reasons why you lost, but that's not always the case," he said.

Or in his experience, that's apparently NEVER THE CASE.


"Sometimes, the reasons are way more simple than they want to believe.

"Sometimes, it's a bad break. Sometimes, the other team just plays better."

Is this really his speech at a fucking coaching clinic? Welp guys, sometimes you suck and sometimes the other team is better! Get it? Genius here yes! Jack adams mother fucker!

As for their playoff letdown, he thinks that too often, critics look to what went wrong, when often the outcome is caused by what the opposition did right.

We get it fatboy, you did nothing wrong and the whole world just conspired against you! Poor blubber butt, we hurt his wittle feewlings!

For example, he pointed to the way the Stanley Cup final between Boston and Vancouver had played out like two different series through the first four games.

That doesn't show anything you stupid fat fuck you lost in a sweep, make some adjustments!?!??! GAHH IM getting even more pissed he's still our coach! GET YOUR SEASON TICKETS NOW!!


"For the last two games, I'm sure all the Vancouver fans were saying, 'Oh man, we're so bad,' but it's because Boston was playing so well," Boudreau said.

No, they were saying fuck we played just like the caps...

"You can have the systems in place, and the system's working when it's five on oh, but when the other team's in place, it's a little more difficult. That's what makes sports, sports."

Wow, talk about a lecture for the ages, I really hope this session was taped and transcribed for posterity. Fuck it, write this shit down in a fucking scroll and put that shit in a time capsule like fucking pronto, people in the future need this shit asap.

With stars such as Alexander Ovechkin, Alexander Semin, Mike Green and Nicklas Backstrom in place, Boudreau thinks people would be foolish to write his team's epitaph as a contender just yet.

Why that would just be nonsense! It's not like the coach is tied in anyway to the legacy of his core group of players...

"Nobody in our core's over 26," he said.

Yes, but you see the window is closing you fat fuck.

"They're all competitors. They all want to win. We all want to win the Cup.

Phew, okay feel much better. Glad I went to this clinic!

They'll be ready to go come training camp. They all believe eventually that they're going to win."

As does he.

Brucie will be ready after a summer of extensive training, mostly doing donut runs between clinic appearences. You would not believe how remote the krispy kreme is near Windsor...

Playoff heartbreak hasn't caused his own belief to falter one iota within Boudreau's heart.

Its actually physically impossible for his belief to falter as there are no longer any iotas available now that his heart has grown to almost 4 times the normal size of a human! With a direct line of lard via IV pumping into his veins, the coach is a walking jelly donut!

What's This Day of Rest Nonsense?!

So, some cool slickster named Ryan something or other writes a TRENDING TOPIC folks! Not just any old regular topic, ohhhhh no way, not good enough for Yaho0!! No we need the trending topic, of course which direction the trend follows is really anyone's guess. So Ryan, our buddy old pal, takes a fearless stab at the most pitiful lambs of hockey squads, our very own lucky caps. So here now in full, hope this link works!

Linky Tinky

Trending Topics: What’s this ‘Fire Bruce Boudreau’ nonsense?

What's this bullshit?! What's this day of rest shit?! Jesus don't care! What is this nonsense huh pal?


So the Washington Capitals got bounced from the playoffs in just four games against a team they beat out for the division lead. And now there's talk — foolish, foolish talk — that, as a consequence, so too will Bruce Boudreau's tenure as the team's head coach end.

Well that's just crazy talk boy! I mean, the NOTION that the COACH has any impact WHATSOEVER on the outcome of what's it now...4 years of playoff failures?! I like how in the very first sentence he's already brushing aside the indelible nature of our exit. Wait, sorry that's fuckin' foolish. Go on..

This is, maybe, the dumbest thing I've heard someone say about hockey all damn year.

The dumbest? Really, all year? What about Boogard saying, hey I'll have another beer?

Theoretically and based on their regular-season records, the Capitals should have advanced past the second round before this year.  

JUST THEORIES FOLKS@! Nothing to see here, really! For you see, there is absolutely no reason, at all.


And if they had, we wouldn't be having this ridiculous conversation. But the playoffs are an inherently unfair and flawed system, one which benefits lucky clubs rather than good ones; though the two are not always mutually exclusive.

Uh, well, so here we have it folks, the actual crux of his argument. For you see, feeble peasants in the fields, the playoffs are simply flawed! Yes of course, I Ryan something or other from YAho()!! is here to tell you only LUCKY clubs win! well, you know, not mutually exclusive or some lame back out after making a shitty point...

But guess what: The Tampa Bay Lightning are one lucky-ass team. 


LensositheHutt later added to that point 'Yes, the lightening posses the most rarest and of the charts rated luck, and magic skills learned from the nebulaon galaxy phase two!'


They got every bounce in a four-game series to go their way.

Every single fucking one, trust me, big Ry guy here checked. Every damn game second, every bounce! TB was AVERAGING 5 lucky bounces PER MINUTE! Numbers never before recorded in the HISTORY OF THIS NEVER HAPPENED!

They got better-than-could-be-reasonably-expected-from-an-octogenarian goaltending. 

Whoa! Am I supposed to subtract all that shit?! Okay, let's see here... Gonna need my damn graphing calculator for that shit.... Octogenarian, is that like eight?


They got some mediocre performances from a couple of Capitals, who, one can reasonably suspect, were pretty banged up.

Mike Green later added, 'yeah I had to stuff cotton balls directly into my eardrums to stop the leaking of blood and puss, this really nasty green shit, I dunno man couldn't even hear Schultzy all game, then my fuckin' shin just starting fuckin' achin and shit?! I swear I was pissin' blood after warm-ups! But you know, we went bowlin' after and my arm felt fine, until later probably need Tommy John surgery this year, hope to back!'

They were, to put it succinctly, not exactly the better team in this series. 

And now I will argue to NOT CHANGE ANYTHING!

Remember, this is the same team that peed down its leg in the second half of the season when it started leading the division, while Washington rebounded from that lengthy losing streak around the Winter Classic and clobbered everyone in its path en route to the top seed in the East. No small feat. 

Am I losing it or did he just mention pee?!? Hold on...

this is the same team that peed down its leg

Wow! There it is again! Awesome! Huh huh, cool!

And the reason it was able to do that?

Bruce Boudreau. Pretty much solely.

Well, that's something, huh? So let's clear this up, just to put as simply as possible, you support the following points:
    Point 1: BB was the SOLE REASON the team came back to win the conference.
    Point 2: After yet ANOTHER collapse in the playoffs, he should NOT BE HELD accountable.
Yay!

We saw it, too, in the first round, when the Capitals disemboweled the New York Rangers just like everyone on the planet who doesn't own a Rangers jersey knew they would.

As their entrails seeped onto the ice sheet and whirling giant blur of slime and blubber whisked across the slick surface consuming the very bowels draped in torn blue jerseys! The owner shouted in glee as bloody guts streamed down his glistening bulbous sixteen chins! Oh what a moment!

But things go wrong in the second round, and suddenly a lot of Chicken Littles start pecking around the Caps dressing room asking asinine questions.

The chicken little's grew restless! At once the hutt leader swept them through the underground chamber to their demise at the gorlak while the dancing crowd and jazz fusion band jammed!

If this type of change is being considered, then I'm a little surprised.

Shocked even? Maybe, I dunno, startled? Taken aback? Flustered? Forced to pause and take stock on one's life? Gleamed? Ensued? Alarmed? Engulfed? Seat of said pant or chair? Unless standing?

To be fair, McPhee said he "expects" that Boudreau will be back. (Leading me to believe that the decision might come from a bit higher up the food chain; say, the owner's box). 

As opposed to who? The fucking clan council?! This is a fuckin' crime family asshole, who has resided over this corner of the Tatooine core for centuries now! There is only one hutt at the top of the food chain at all times!

And really, who could do a better job with the Capitals as currently constituted than Boudreau?

Durr! We need Gibbs! Yee-haw!!!

It's unfair to label a guy a choker or say he can't get it done in the postseason when everything but the final score of the games indicates he coaches the best and most efficient team on the ice in not only the regular season, but also all the series they've lost in the last few years.  

Most efficient, in a fucking best of seven series, where they proceeded to lose each of the first fucking four?! To a team they dominated all year? What else, other then the fucking SCORE indicates who coaches best?!? This isn't fuckin' t-ball son!

Again, the playoffs are ruled through the tyranny of small sample sizes. 

This tyranny! This most evil of lords! Presiding over us, his mere peasants! Worshiping his feet from the fields afar! And I'm sorry four years of playoffs at this point is not really that small a sample size.

Boudreau's teams essentially lost three one-goal games (the 4-2 scoreline in Game 1 came due to an empty netter) to a Bolts team that statistically should have failed.

Statistically! What those are, I can't exactly lay out here haha! I mean, that would be silly! I can just say they should have failed! See its all in the stats! What's that, the blog entry is due, shit okay here you go...

These weren't humiliating blowouts — unless you count Mike Green's(notes) doors on the Game 3 winner — but rather skin-of-their-teeth victories that could very easily have gone the other way.


Unless you count the most critical fuckin' game in a goddamn sweep! The only chance we had with SUPPOSED fresher legs and all that shit and we just ignore a giant gaff from a kid who probably shouldn't have even been playing.

 Hell, only one team wins the Stanley Cup every year. And that doesn't even make the coach who Got It Done a genius. 

No fuckin' shit you smug little country club douche nozzle, does that mean we have to go another thirty fuckin' years with incompetence at the helm and let the prime years of a hockey superstar go to waste because barbeque face needs ONE MORE chance?!? Do you really think this team would turn terrible with someone else at the helm? Are you kidding me?!

Fire Boudreau? Honestly?

Yes, seriously, why not. Name one team that would hire the guy? Honestly? Figuratively? Emotionally? Emphatically? Douchetastically? Cuntlickishly? Seriously?

To paraphrase the man himself, "That's really [expletive]in' dumb."

Just a top notch quote there to back up your keep the status quo campaign! Now I'm all fired up!

The Great Window Debate

Yes, here we are, certainly, most presumptively, another avenue, a boulevard of broken hockey dreams, a tourniquet, a noose ever tightening its grip firmly on the necks of our most beloved of organizations! Folks our most peril of moments is upon us! Do we dare take that most giant of steps forward towards possession of the one true cup? Or do we once again pause at the trigger, afraid to take a plunge into the abyss, afraid to find our true selves! Oh sweet local beat correspondent, whatever shall we do?!

Linky

Ted Leonsis has declined interview requests through a spokesman since the Capitals were swept from the second round of the Stanley Cup playoffs earlier this month,

This spokesman later was seen whisked away among chains by two giant battle droids screaming 'save me save me my master is a giant slimy rodent who eats even smaller slimier rodents!'


but on Thursday he answered questions from fans on the team’s website.

Where he followed up a most boisterous chat by consuming their entire entrails with a fresh side of Gorgonzola salad!

Leonsis reiterated a message of patience in regard to the Capitals’ ability to achieve playoff success and stressed that despite this postseason’s disappointment, he doesn’t believe the team is running out of time to win.


For you see, the Hutt measure time by the more standard established Gorgolakian Calender, for within this denomination a mere 3 days have passed since even the organization's inception! This also helps explain the almost demonically slow metabolism they all somehow possess...


“The one that has bothered me is this notion that the pain of losing is because our window is closing,” Leonsis said of the emails and comments he’s received from fans since the loss to the Lightning.

He added, 'also tickling my rear these days is this notion, that I SOMEHOW assisted in the most absurd raid on the rebel guard allying with a most ambitious of galactic empires!' to a somewhat stunned press room...

“I’m a fan. I want instant results."

I demand Ovechkin-walker at once! He has failed me for the last time!


"I feel great disappointment."

Slave! This fried vermin is OVER COOKED! How dare you question the pallet of a Hutt clansman! Do I look like someone who can't tell the difference in fois gras?!?!


"I, too, would like to figure out why can’t we go deeper in the playoffs. It’s really what we’ve been spending time on the last several weeks."

Hmmm.... several weeks even? Wow, let's see here, maybe I can break it down a  little for ya there boss. So let's see here, hockey games are GENERALLY won by the team who tallies the most goals you see, that's when the puck goes INTO the net! Just like that buffet spread went INTO your mouth!


“We’re struggling as an organization translating regular season productivity into longer success in the playoffs,” Leonsis said. “We certainly want to go further than one round.”

Yep, the goal is now clearly to reach the third round everyone! Oh yeah Get your season tickets!

Although he talked about how the Capitals’ internal assessment and introspection has just begun, Leonsis added that the answer for how to take that next step doesn’t necessarily include firing General Manager George McPhee, Coach Bruce Boudreau or trading away the team’s star players.

Sooo... In order to improve....we change.... NOTHING! Great perfect zang zoooms! Scuby snacks!

“I think right now we’re all looking at what do we have to do differently to move forward" 

Leonsis then specified several new training regimens he is instituting around the old Tatooin bar hang out, including three legged races, pin the tail on the marclaar and the always classic pod race around the gorlack.


Leonsis said. “We finished the first round this year and we all felt that we were in good shape. We felt that was the toughest round to get through,"

Ouch! Is that, really what you all thought? Really, like seriously? That doesn't make ANY SENSE on any planet, much less one as barren as tatooine?!? Now come now Mr. Hutt, this is a most absurd premise, even for such a callow fellow! I mean, imagine, a team that ALREADY WON a round in the playoffs would be better then the team you just demolished who only made it in because some other team in some hick town that shouldn't even be in a WINTER sports league lost in some rinky dink blowout meaningless shit where was I?


"And we got swept in the second round. It didn’t feel good."

Leonsis later added that he eased his pain by slipping into a nice mud bath made of the finest Gorlon galaxy grain while sipping leftover batches of Han Solo blood previously drained in Episode 5.

We’re all sitting down to say, ‘What do we have to do differently?’

Gee Wally! I dunno Boss! Maybe head over to the Wizards game?!?

Leonsis said he believed the team’s transition to a more defensive posture mid-season was the appropriate move to make, but that the power play’s struggles may mandate “something major” to reignite the unit.  

Okay here's what we're gonna do, lets make sure Ovechkin and Green skate mandatory two minute shifts BEFORE the powerplay starts so they are EXTRA exhausted! Then, they can skate in circles and make lazy passes the whole shift! HOT GOALIE HOT GOALIE!!

Leonsis didn’t go into specifics about what those changes might entail. 

The man has NEVER gone into specifics about ANYTHING EVER so why should he now?!?

"I don’t think our window is closing,” Leonsis said. 

He also added, "I ate the window," with a really sad face.

“All [youth] does is give us more hope that we can improve our playoff performance. But I do think the team’s young players contribute a lot and will get better because they’ll get more experienced.”

Experience always equals better, you see? This is why the man owns shopping malls.... (What's that, the baseball team what? huh? nevermind)

(insert window slamming shut image)

Spring Break

(Coach BB's luscious Potomac Maryland back yard, beautiful spring afternoon)

BB: AHHHH! This is the life isn't it hun?! Just chillin' here on our rear veranda patio! Oh what's that darlin? You're best bud wants ANOTHER book signed? Haha! Its okay sweetie! I got all afternoon!

MRSBB: Thanks hon! BRB Think those fresh donuts are almost done in the oven!

BB: Ohhh boy! Its goo time!

(His two shitty kids wrestle in the yard)

BB: Now now boys! I told you to settle down!

(Suddenly a knock on the back gate door)

BB: Who is it?

(NHL Player Brooks Laich walks in)

BL21: Hey Coach! Its me Brooksies!

BB: OHHH Come on in my boy, why didn't ya say so! HON! BROOKSIE IS HERE! Hey kids, come see a real live hockey player!

Two shitty kids: Fuck off fat boy.

BB: Ah oh well, come come brooksies, sit down on my reclining lounge chairs! Appletini?

BL21: Oh abso-freakin-lutely! Say Coach, been reading those papers? Keep talking about your job, can you imagine?!

BB: Oh I know sweetie cakes, its all just nonsense.

BL21: Did ya see my quote?! I slipped and said you were a wizard just to see if they'd print that, and THEY DID HAHA OH OH!

BB: I know, what a scream. But seriously, none of that can get out.

BL21 (sad): You're right coach, I know and I'm sorry.

BB: Now now its okay! Just keep that Gandalf the Wide stuff to us!

(MRSBB comes out with a fresh platter of donuts, BB consumes 18 of them)

BB: Hungry?!?

BL21: No thanks! Think I swallowed a bug on the way over!

(Then BB's 1994 cell phone starts ringing violently)

BB: Oh dear! Hang on Brooksies, (answers) Hello its Brucie?!

MG52: Hey coach, NHL defensemen Mike Green here, you asked me to call?

BB: Yes of course! Mikey boy, I wanted to find out how the MRI went?

MG52: Went?! Went, I'll tell you how it fuckin' went! At this rate I'm gonna wind up in fuckin' bellview! My brain is twisted five ways to sunday, I tell ya coach, I haven't been the same since that year I got hit in Juniors against the goalpost. Now my forearm is fuckin' actin' up, I couldnt even finish racketball earlier. Fuckin gout is just crushing my toes and shit, all this cream I gotta apply and

BB: (click)

(Suddenly a pitch dark cloud washes over the yard, a vile mass so large it blocked out the entire afternoon basking sun)

LenosisTheHutt: OOOHHAHGAWEEEE !! sssooooo ere ateradf dsseeest tesreraadd BruuceeyyYyy?! I willeresswws destrerrroy youuuuu!!!!!

(GMGM slithers behind with a chain around his neck)

GMGM: You heard the man, Bruce you're fired! We're going with Cassidy!

BL21: NOOOOOOOOO!!! (dives into swimming pool drowning himself while two shitty kids laugh)

(Bruce has another donut, will that be his last?)

Scrambling For a Topic!

Okay, sure, I know things have slowed down somewhat in this space and other Caps-centric zones of the interwebs, and yes we're all probably still mourning the disaster that befell our fearless gang this spring. And so it seems, in this most unpleasant state of sadness that some dude named Shatzer (yes that's shat, as in the past tense of shit) clearly knows what's best for this moribund franchise! Take it away Shatty McShatterton!

Link about firing the coach yay!

Every 20 years or so, a major D.C. sports team is good enough to win a championship. Right now, the Capitals are that team, and they might need to a make a major move so they can win one before their window closes.

Okay Shatty, kind of a bummer start there huh buddy? I mean, really? We only get to win every 20 years? What about that bumfuck Boston who wins multiples in multiple sports over multiple dynasties? Also, somewhat tricked up here already, so we are 'that team' to win a championship, however we 'might' need to make a 'major move' before we can win one? All that before our 'window' closes?!? So can we win one, we are the team to win one, but we still need to make a move, but our window is closing! GAHHH!!!!

January 26, 1992 was an awful long time ago. I was eight years old, and I can just barely remember it.

Oh fuck I was 12, get out of here! I feel bad making fun of someone so much younger! Haha suck it baby boy Shatty!

An entire generation of D.C. sports fans has been waiting almost 20 years to see one of its teams lift a trophy. Those of us who watched the Redskins win Super Bowl XXVI as kids are now well into our adulthood, and don't have a real grasp on what it feels like to support a champion.

It really is quite taxing isn't it? I mean, to exist amid such pain and anguish! How do we go on?! Nevermind the rising inflation, another housing bubble burst, skyrocketing unemployment rates, next to no job opportunities for just out of college grads, but fuck all that noise we don't know what its like to support a champion! Oh shit I need a therapist!

When will a major D.C. sports team have its next championship?

Right here, right now I go on record and state unequivocally that in 2014 the Nationals will win the World Series behind Cy Young winner Strasburg and MVP Harper. Put that in your sad fucking pipe and toke it Shattyboy.

They made huge player moves at the trade deadline to bring in winners like Jason Arnott and Dennis Wideman. 

Yeah these guys screamed winning huh? Regular Charlie Sheens! I mean, ignore for a fact they were both too damn old and rickety and injured to really make a difference..

They adapted to a new more defensive style of play that's been a proven success in the NHL playoffs. They'd done virtually everything in their power to set themselves up for a long run. 

They even had their coach fast for a whole thirty minutes! He had a brocolli!

The Capitals were the hottest team in the Eastern Conference entering the playoffs.

Always a precursor to cruising through the two month grind of the stanley cup!

No. There's one more change that the Capitals can make. They could change the coaching. For four straight seasons now, Bruce Boudreau and his staff has taken this incredibly talented team no farther than the second round of the playoffs. He's had his chance. Its time to give someone else a chance.

Now now, Shatty, haven't you heard from our fearless leader GMGM, the coach doesn't matter? I mean get real here buddy! Bruce has the best record EVER after whatever number of games he's coached. EVER, in the entire history of the stupid sport. I'm not sure you can can the guy, even though I'd love nothing more then to find him living in a (mercedes) van down by the river!

The window for the Washington Capitals to win a Stanley Cup is closing. The players are getting older

Oops! Lets see a list huh:
    - Ovechkin (25)
    - Backstrom (23)
    - Green (25)
    - Alzner (22)
    - Carlson (21)
    - Johansson (20)
    - Nuevirth (23)
    - Varlamov (23)


Gee those guys sure are old! Man, how do they even manage to make it to the rink in time!


Boudreau is a good coach. 

FIRE HIM NOW BEFORE THE GODDAMN IMAGINARY WINDOW CLOSES!

Maybe he would get them farther in the playoffs next year? Or maybe he wouldn't. 

Maybe I'll write a coherent article this time? Or maybe I won't. Maybe I should have stayed in school and majored in Poly Sci? Or maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should get a turkey club on rye? Or maybe I won't. SO THERE!

I don't take calling for someone's job lightly, but the change I'm proposing is justified. 

But hes a good coach, but you should definitely fire him! Also, McShatty Butt boy whatever your name is, look don't worry too much about this supposed 'calling for someone's job' thing, I mean, its not like your important or anything. You write for a blog! I mean the only form of publication even lower then yours really is some other numbnut on some even more obscure blog making fun of your blog entry... oh wait, shit...

If this was a major corporation and you were given the biggest budget and the best products but achieved the same disappointing results for four consecutive years, you'd probably be fired too.

Couple things here Shatty, first off, there is a shit-ton different between a major corporation and a freakin' hockey team. Secondly, the league has a very strict salary cap so its kinda hard to say anyone in the league is given the 'biggest budget' I mean we're not talking about the 08 yankees here for god's sake.

You'd be replaced with someone different. Not necessarily better in every way, but different.

Really?! Tell us more nostradamus?! Hey I got one, when is this whole 'world end thing' going to happen again?!?

A different voice with some fresh ideas might be exactly what the Capitals need. 

Or at least a voice that can be heard more clearly instead of constantly emanating from a mouth stuffed with calzone!


Ted Leonsis and George McPhee need to make a change to the Capitals' coaching before its too late.

DUN DUN DUN! (movie preview voice guy) In a world....... Where it might already be too late! A leader of the Hutt clan and his trusty ally must make a MOST DIFFICULT of decisions..... THEY MUST CHOOSE WITH THEIR HEART!

They owe it to the D.C. area. 

Such a gutty concept, damn you rich dude who bought a team fifteen years ago, YOU OWE IT TO US. I mean, I'm an asshole who's never bought season tickets and only catch the third period of a couple playoff games but YOU OWE ME mother fucker because the skins and wizards suck.

We've all become emotionally invested in their team, and we desperately want to see them win. The window is closing.

You keep mentioning this swiftly descending window but never really explain yourself. I mean, Ovechkin and Backstrom are signed for another billion years (approximate) so that must be one big ass window to already be closing.

Let's win a Cup before it closes.  

Yeah come on guys! God knows myself and McShatty Buttboy are doing whatever it takes! Its almost like you guys don't actually want to win one...

Because it might be 20 more years before it opens again around here.

Ah yes, of course, a perfect reason. Or maybe it will be 30 more  years! Bwahahhhhahaaa! 

LeVar Learns Semicolons!

Sure, maybe he's an easy target but this is a publication and the printed word is sacred! Or something, anyway, this former linebacker is definitely a voice of wisdom in regards to the local hockey team! A game, unfortunately, that does not actually feature a position called linebacker...

Link

There’s never a great feeling after a series goes the way it just did for the Capitals, but I do not believe this season was a failure.

Well, that would certainly be an interesting theory, of course mostly predicated on one's consideration of the word failure. In this case, from an almost unanimous preseason proclamation, organization wide, the true commitment of the squad was universal, a cup. Last I checked, they did not win it this year.

This season marked a successful change in philosophy; the team successfully adapted to a more defensive style. They came on in the second half of the season and ended up winning the Southeast Division and the No. 1 seed in the Eastern Conference.

Semicolon Count: 1

Quite successful, this full of success change most successfully successes in fully succeeding in adaption; successful.,

Sure, the playoff exit was disappointing, but there also are positives to be taken from this season.

Let's List them:
- Getting swept by a clearly inferior opponent who they whooped up on all year.
- Having big money (i.e. cap eating) player's mostly disappear, especially from the forward crew who couldn't score on a five dollar hooker or some shit.
- Watching key after key player fall to some ailment thus limiting our supposed 'balance' on the blue line.
- Having almost to a man significant drop in point totals.

After losing in the first round of the playoffs last year, this team was criticized for not playing enough defense; well, they changed that.

Semicolon Count: 2

Changed it so well the Lightning almost scored at ease and 'flabbergasted' our vaunted defense.

It will come as no surprise that this year they will be criticized for not having enough offense, and that’s true.

It will come as no surprise that I am a hack football outcast who struck on with some hopeless sports division, and that's true.

Missed opportunities on the power play and the failure of stars to score goals are two of the most-cited reasons for the losses.

Wow, how did this guy never win a cup?! I mean, look how he displays innate knowledge the subject! Continue professor!

I don’t believe that firing the head coach solves the problem; I actually think Bruce Boudreau is capable of figuring out what needs to happen to get to the next level.

Semicolon Count: 3

He doesn't believe? Just got that gut feeling coach! He's capable, based on what exactly? I mean what has he done to prove this supposed 'figuring out' is even remotely possible at this point?

It takes time and patience when talking about building a champion.

And you would know this how exactly? Those three years taking cutback money smoking freshman tail in the quad playing for a grumbling pile of dirt at this point? Those reckless years terrorizing in DC winning countless super bowls? Your most gracious speech while being inducted in the hall of fame when you cried while discussing the influences of deon?

The burdens of building things to last are hard and heavy, but if a franchise is to build itself into a champion, these are unavoidable challenges that have to completed.

I really think LeVar needs to run for President or something, I mean, imagine the insight?! Things are hard, and shit, hm..... they're fucking heavy too! I am a champion!

Ted Leonsis has built successful companies outside of sports. I wonder how many years it took for him to start enjoying the success of the businesses that he built? Just guessing, but I’m sure it was not quick and took time.

Guessing? Its called journalism bro, you have fucking google at your disposal you goon. He wonders, really, Ted obviously built those companies using long established mafia ties with several other families as the Hutts quickly rose to power.

Consistency, accountability, drive, intelligence, trust are all things that have been built and are growing with this team.

What do all of these things also have in common? LeVar possesses none.

Drastic changes could mean disaster.

A swarm of locusts! With mutant growth stingers on all wings! Inflicting the most deadly poison the world has ever known! Men turn to zombies! Women and children are consumed instantly! A fog washes over the land gripping our very soul as the disease spreads and madness, chaos consume all!

The mettle of this team and its fans is being tested right now. This crossroads is where some will choose to support and believe while others will not and condemn.

We are all being tested. My mettle is weak and sucky.

I don’t know what the future holds for the coaches or players, but my thought would be to keep the people around who are dedicated to finding that close-to-perfect balance.

How exactly would one go about measuring another's dedication to finding that close-to-prefect balance? A fucking meta-chlorion count? The force is strong with this one coach! He will bring a perfect balance to our civilization!

Boudreau has shown he can teach both offense and defense; the question is can he teach the balance of the two?

Semicolon Count: 4

Boudreau has shown he can uniquely balance out a diet of both extreme fried and salty snacks with the devilish almost insanity laced enthuse for the sweets, majestic chocolates especially in donut form.

Again I don’t know if he will even be retained, but I know he can coach and I would give him at least one more season to try to find that right balance with strategies and players.

So, you're telling me there's a chance?!