About the Bestest Boy in the Whole World!

Ohhh boyyy! Gee whitakers mister, what ya got there?! Is that a new fresh article in that their newspapuh?! I swear, I ain't ever seen an article like this pah! Its about the bestest boy in all the land, the wizard of the ice, the harry potter of my dreams! Ooooohhhh Sidney how do you do it?!?

The subtle secret to Sidney Crosby’s greatness


Hang on. I'm sorry here, I just can't do it. I have to break character, at least for one paragraph here. This has gone too far, too much beyond the pail, I can no longer function as an ironic internet commentator, I have to resume life as a human being and recoil at this entire affront. The Washington Post, a great beacon to my town, has gone too far. How dare you Barry Svrgulaeruarla!

Saturday afternoon, Sidney Crosby walked on skates from the practice ice into the cramped visiting locker room at Capital One Arena and placed his black CCM stick into a rack, jiggling it until it fit.

Oh my god I'm going to die.

He navigated a horde of notebooks and cameras in front of his locker, sat down and pulled on a black Pittsburgh Penguins cap.

Yep, that's it guys, I truly no longer wish to consume oxygen here, thanks guys, been nice knowing y'all.

At the end of a brief media scrum, a question — one he was perhaps more qualified to answer than anyone on the planet — made Crosby pause: Did he believe hockey instinct could be honed through repetition?

That's the question? Come on, that's definitely not the question.

“Mmm,” Crosby said. “Maybe.”

Holy fuck you guys such a subtle secret! He went mmm for a second! Whoa!

He mulled his answer, a clue to how one of the greatest hockey players ever views the game.

He mulled, he implied, he thought, he considered, he wondered, he listened, he meditated, he breathed, he pondered, he whistled. Such a hard clue you guys.

 Crosby is a metronomic exemplar of all-around skill.

Excelsior in the highest!

Like basketball’s LeBron James, he has established all-time-great bona fides as he remains at the crest of his performance.

Holy shit I wonder if he picks his nose?

“The last couple seasons, he’s been the best player,” Capitals defenseman Matt Niskanen said.

He said with a sad face.

“I truly believe he’s the best player in the world,” NBC analyst Jeremy Roenick said.

He said while eating the nineties. Just a quick aside here, how is it possible that I now hate roenick this much? Its unbelievable! For 3 years there from 94 to 97 he just dominated EA NHL on sega so much I figured he was a god, and now hes turned into this greaseball douchbag on my television set? The humanity, what next Bo jackson pulls a bill crosby?

“Still the best guy in the league,” former teammate Brooks Orpik said.

I'm reminded that both Nisky and Orpiky played with Sidney for years in pitt, nothing suspicious about that at all...

The quality that allows Crosby to remain atop the league, coaches and teammates say, is his unique work ethic

So unique you guys, wait for it, he will now take the next 30 paragraphs explaining how all he does is practice plays he messed up before, its such a novel approach, nobody has ever thought to do it before. he's a fucking wizard you guys is basically what we're saying..

an ability to specify subtle areas for improvement and work with meticulous precision until they match the other elite elements of his game. While his natural ability — powerful skating, pistol-quick hands, uncommon feel — made him a phenom, his creative, distinct capacity for work has enabled him to stay atop the NHL.

I just vomited all over my keyboard, I think this might have to end the session.

“He’s a generational talent,” Penguins Coach Mike Sullivan said.

He will unite the home land! He will bring peace to all the tribes! He will feed and cloth every last child on this green earth!

 “He does things that you can’t teach, and that’s part of what makes him what he is."

He can even tie his shoes like a big boy!

“He’s able to pick things he thinks he needs to get better at, and he’s very deliberate at practicing those things and working on those things all the time,” Adams said. “He’s methodical about doing that on a daily basis.”

Holy fuck you think this guy split the atom at this point. He practices, big fucking deal.

“He does practice weird stuff like that,” Niskanen said. “He’s naturally very intelligent."

Fuck off all of you, there are like 45 more paragraphs of this shit and its all the same inane bullshit crooning about some douchbag we've all watched all these years. Its like coming out with a new hot take about how Lebron is good in the playoffs! Oh Gee wiz no shit sherlock. What next, an article about how terrible Trump is turning out to be? Oh Man talk about having your finger on the pulse! And why the fuck would anyone in Washington want to read 850 paragraphs about the mighty cindy crosby and his super swell friends saying as many sugary things as they can dream about him. Fuck him, Fuck pittsburgh, fuck penguins, fuck guntzel, fuck that non-goal was a goal bullshit, fuck that stupid black and yellow colors, fuck their dumb dump town and fat ugly fans who all voted for that shithead now ruining the country and the world all at once.

So yeah, go caps, fuck crosby, I'm out.

But What of the Children?

I've got the fever folks, yep, the capitals playoff hockey fever!! Wooo rock that red yooo!

Just can't stay away so many great articles to parse, so many angles to this matchup of the ages! I am already sick to death of this shit to be honest with you, its only because of the ridiculous re-alignment that was done and the lack of proper reseed rules that the two best most consistent teams in the eastern conference have been forced to meet in the second round over and over, its not some nebulous cloud of fate that haunts my very soul. Right?

This darkness haunts us all, leaving us foaming at the mouth in terror unable to process the world around us. Entire generations both young and old look to us for guidance through this most miserable of time, the nhl second round playoff. Seven games of absolute hell tormenting our very beings, how shall we go on, what shall we tell the children?!?

How to talk to your kids about the playoffs in Washington

Uggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!

That is the fucking title of the fucking article and then I vomited for twelve straight minutes. I am so sorry dear blog reader but we must entire this most evil of hellscapes...

Sports, in theory, are so wonderful because of their suspense.

Wow. Opening gambit played, wonderful as shit y'all.

Feats unexpected and unimaginable are accomplished every single day. Postseason and championship rounds heighten the tension even more.

So heightened, just like the bulge on my cotton dockers.

Then there are the professional teams in Washington

Not sure I like where this is going...

which do not abide by the principle of thrilling suspense. Instead, they lure you in, what with their adorable regional pride and hopeful optimism, and then spit you out with postseason underachievement so consistent that it’s almost cliche.

The principle of thrilling suspense is the worst walkmen album yet.

Consider the following: A child born on this date in 2000 — now an 18-year-old — has never seen the Caps, Nats, Redskins or Wizards advance past the second round of the playoffs.

I have never been so pumped for a playoff series in my life?! Yess!!!! So many principles you guys.

“Certainly as a Browns fan, I can appreciate the day-in-and-day-out sense of disappointment, but it also teaches resiliency,” said Steve Graef, a sports psychologist at Ohio State University.

They asked some fuck at OSU a question for this regional article? And when do they get to the part about talking to our kids?

We asked him and Antonia Baum, a psychiatrist in private practice in Bethesda, how to talk to your kids about the stress (and inevitable disappointment) that comes with the postseason in D.C.

Oh right, the very next sentence. Love the parenthetical here, just slyly done quality post dig there.

“A child takes their cues from the adults that mentor them in their lives,”

No fucking shit, thanks professor! OSU huh, surprised its not Harvard with this insight!

“If [sports] becomes overly important to the role models in their live — if they get depressed, instead of seeing humor in it or moving on — that could be an issue.”

Parents its probably best to just load up the little tikes with as much ADD meds as you can before its too late!

“If you’re throwing things and putting holes in the wall because the Bills lose,” Graef said, “at some point, that’s not adult behavior.”

If you're doing those things because of the bills its probably because you're a fucking sociopath who shouldn't be allowed in public spaces let alone raising children..

If a child is sad or frustrated, keep your cool, and ask how she is feeling, Graef said.

Holy fucking shit.

Ask questions about the team’s play, Baum suggested, such as: “What would you do to fix the team?” or “What could they do better next time?”

Great lets raise an entire generation of george mcphees!!! yess!

That could spark great discussion fodder at a family meal, Baum said. That, in turn, promotes problem solving and provides a place for kids to talk about their emotions.

Anyone else get the sense that these 'doctors' have never met a child in their lives? I'm really gonna start drawing up plays with my 9 year old? She's going to tell me to shut up and find her tablet charger.

Finally, through any conversation about rooting disappointment, remind kids to keep things in perspective.

Yes child ignore the fact that you are being raised by lunatics who put holes in walls because a sports team did something in a stadium thousands of miles away that has absolutely no real consequence on your existence.

“If [parents] are teaching their kids the right values about sports, it really shouldn’t matter who wins or who loses,” Baum said. “But try telling that to a fan.”

Fuck off you stupid fake doctor from ohio.

Go caps!

Game Day!!!

Somewhere at Kettler iceplex...

Coach: OKAY MEN BRING IT IN!!!

(They bring it in)

Coach: Okay, men, welcome back to practice! I'm looking at you especially Osh, hope your two dislocated knee caps are doing ok?

Osh: Its fine coach.

Coach: Good! Okay, lets see here, time to get down to business. Backstrom is that marijuana I smell?!?!

Backy: Nahh coach, just air freshener! (he giggles)

Coach: Fine, now men, what we have in front of ourselves is a great opportunity! We finally have a shot at those pesky penguins, now who's with me?!

(crickets)

Ov: Uhhh coach, we always lose to penguin team, everybody know this.

Coach: DAMMITTT SON WE NEED TO BE KILLERS!!!

Backy: (while coughing a cloud of smoke) This guy sucks brah..

(A dark cloud descends on the practice)

(A door opens and Ted the hutt slithers out from the space cruiser)

Ted: ahhahshshshsss trottzzzkeey, my faithfulll servant!!!

Coach: Oh no you guys the boss is here?!?! Oh Ted how must I serve you my master?!

Ted: bringgg me the blood of crosby!

Coach: You hear that willy? Its go time!

Backy: This is some fucked up shit right here.

Ov: Yes, ov agree with swede brother.

Osh: How fucking long have you two been here?

Ov: Many year, many year.

Backy: I dunno brah, I've been stoned since 2010...

Ov: Yes, ovechkin too is very high.

Osh: Solid.

(coach returns after ted flys off in his cruiser)

Coach: OKAY GUYS I SAID BRING IT IN!

Everyone: We're already in.

Coach: Good, now listen, I've just had a visit from the bossman. He really wants a win out there tonight, lots of fans getting excited about rocking the red and stuff, so like seriously you guys, please? Just try to score a few goals, really its all I ask.

Ov: We score goal, but then awful defense give up goal.

Defense: That's bullshit!

Ov: See, defense suck coach. They let in goal all the time.

Coach: Enough! We don't need this in fighting! Now willy, can you calm everyone down?

Willy: Next guy that talks goes through me!

(crickets)

Coach: There, that's better thanks, willy, now go play in traffic like a good boy!

Willy: Thanks coach!

(he runs off)

Ov: What a moron.

Backy: (giggles)

Osh: This team is wack yo!

The end..... (or is it) (dun dun dun!)

Greetings

Well well well...... here we go! Yes! 2011 back in this peace! OMG you guys!!! Guess who?!?!

Yup, Shady's back, tell all the friends you have ever met. Do it now, just do it, come on do it now!

I am back to save the universe! So many exclamation marks! Okay, okay, guys lets take it in a notch, just reel it on back, you know a few commas, maybe a semi-colon; okay, that's better. I hope my editor doesn't mind!

&&@@A!!!

Sorry Just had to get that last one out. So here we go, seven damn years later, I'm still alive! First off, thanks for caring and thanks for writing me so much, so many fans out there just pouring their hearts out to the lucky caps fan and nothing but crickets, does anyone even read blogspot or whatever this site is anymore? Is this still geocities? Where am I?

Anyhooo, lets get back to the matter at hand. Our beloved Washington Capitals, my my my, after all these years soo much has changed, stanley cups overfloweth! Oh wait, that's the hawks and pens, nope, my lovely lucky plucky hockey organization is still winless in the cup department, still waiting for their chance to finally lift the hardware and have a most epic of boat parties.

Before we press forward into the insanity of 2018, we have to first look back at all the loved ones we have lost from the blog. Lets see here, of course our head coach, Gabby the wide has moved on to greener pastures, greener jerseys and even less greens in his diet. Good friend NHL defensemen Mike Green has played a few quality seasons in between herpes flair-ups for the detroit red wings, good on you young son, here's hoping that gout doesn't return. Stable punching bag karl alzner went to Montreal and I guess disappeared? I dunno, what happened there?

Oh well, will still have some great talents and some new cush bros for backy to hang with so all is well! First order of business then, the mighty pens! Woooo scareyyy! Whatever shall we do?!? Shiver me timbers!!!! Time for a linky!

Alltheyoungdudes

Yep, back to the post, back to where it all began! Oh Katie, how I've missed you! What's that, she left 4 years ago?! Oh brother, who is writing this drivel now?

By Isabelle Khurshudyan
Hmm... I'll allow it, continue my fair lass!

Alex Ovechkin was smiling, not shuddering, at the subject of the Washington Capitals’ second-round opponent. “I can’t wait,”

He can't wait to start the fingerbanging!!! Oh Yeah I'm back baby!!!

Ovechkin said immediately after his team advanced to the Eastern Conference semifinals against the Pittsburgh Penguins.

He can’t wait to play the defending Stanley Cup champions? The team that has ended his season three times over the course of his career?

The team that has completely ruined every spring for the my entire child and adult hood? The team that sucks the donkey tit? The team with the greatest bestest boy named sidney ever to live? The team that takes your ice cream? The team that drowns small puppies in abandoned bath tubs?

Okay, got a little dark there.

“There’s not a person in this locker room or on our coaching staff that doesn’t want to play the Penguins,” Capitals Coach Barry Trotz said. “That’s probably fitting. We’re actually quite excited about it.”

He said this while eating a family of penguins with a sad face.

Because of a playoff format that pits division opponents against each other through the first two rounds

Something that has just been working out swimmingly!

this will be the third straight second-round meeting between Washington and Pittsburgh.

Thanks Issy, is this a 4th grade book report?

The Penguins have historically owned the matchup, 9-1 all time against the Capitals in postseason series.

Historical ownage!!! 

The last time the Capitals beat the Penguins in a playoff series was 1994, before a handful of players on both teams were even born.

Ah yes, 1994, great year for me I remember it well, took Diana M. to the dance that year, sophomore just killin it, wreckin it watching bonsai and joey juneau lovin life, so young, so carefree. My whole life ahead of me....

But the Capitals aren’t worried about running into the same wall again, never advancing past the second round with Ovechkin in part because Sidney Crosby and the Penguins have barred their way.

WHY THE FUCK AREN'T THEY WORRRIED????

“One day, it has to happen,” Ovechkin said. “If we want to get success, we have to beat Pittsburgh and move forward.”

Just has to, one day, you'll see coach, we're gonna do it guys! Cmon! Funny thing here though, see, it doesn't actually have to happen.

“As a competitor, as a gamer, it’s the type of matchup you want,” forward Tom Wilson said.

He said this while serving a double minor penalty at his son's junior game.

“You lose last year, and if you had said we could fast-forward to this year and be in the same position and have a chance to go at them again, we’d have said, ‘Yeah let’s do it. Let’s start right now,’ because you have that bitter feeling. Every year, you’re going to say Caps-Pens, it’s typical and yeah we’re familiar, we’ve played each other a bunch. And they’ve got the best of us both times, so hopefully we’re going to turn that around.”

I'm not trying to be a dick here but I think ole willy has taken a few too many zoniks to the head, I mean what kind of sentence structure is that? Fast forward to what now?

“Somebody’s gonna beat them eventually, so let’s get excited about our opportunity,” defenseman Matt Niskanen said. “Maybe we’re the team to do it.”

I'm getting really excited here guys, Maybe he said! Whoooo, yeah boy!

“We feel great going into the top of this series. We’re not worried about what happened in previous years. It’s a new year, new teams on both sides.”

That makes exactly one of you then because the rest of us are worried sick, have you not been paying attention to this team for the last oh I dunno, thirty fucking years?!

Roman Stubbs and Adam Kilgore contributed to this story.

This book report and quote listing required two additional writers?!? Hey Post guess what I wrote this whole thing by myself on my lunch break!!

Alright guys, well its great to be back, can't make any promises but hopefully it won't be another seven years before I post again. I'm sure we'll have some great takes to digest as our lucky caps embark on yet another seven game voyage against some pesky lame birds who can't even fly, can't wait!!

Back to the Future of Today!

Well, well, well... Here we are back again! Shady's back! Tell a friend! Yep, I know I know, you're all asking yourselves, just where has that crazy lucky caps fan been all this time? Team opens the season with a record string of victories! Nothing but crickets chirping on this blog huh? No silly cynical soliloquies about our portly coach and his merry band of players now huh? Nope, nothing funny out of so much glee! Yet alas, our Mister Glass himself, that of the greener variety, has reared his ugly breakable head again and the tailspin has commenced!

So what else is anew in the caps world? Thanks to the glorious writing of some suspect terrorist who has seemed to worm his way into my sweet butterfly's blog, now with his shady Penn State-esque glare lurking next to my sweet homely beat correspondent's picture, I am perverse to find strange things afoot! The team is now splintering and we require a most wise sage to rise from the desert sands of the nba lockout and spring forth another column of gibberish! Take it away el-Abavababid!

Link

On Hockey: Bruce Boudreau and Alex Ovechkin need to get on the same page

Indeed! For you see, only from the same square surface area of a book like article can championships be won! For the record these two certainly don't seem on the same page, not even the same book, hell not even the same form of media. Ov is like a foreign playboy magazine with naked women, expensive cigars, and crazy letters written in some ancient form of Sanskrit while BB more resembles a old worn-out copy of a child's Highlights magazine with all the puzzles colored in, pages ripped out from the middle and giant smears of barbeque sauce all over the rest.


Coach Bruce Boudreau must reconnect with the Washington Capitals’ locker room, beginning with Monday’s game against the Phoenix Coyotes.

Kinda tough to do when you're hands are still sticky from the jelly donuts.

That process starts with getting on the same page as Alex Ovechkin. 

Yes we get it Tarik, they aren't even close.

Too often this season, it has appeared the coach and the captain have been pulling in opposite directions. 

This can easily be remedied, they simply must install a Euro trash strip club and pole in the local Dunkin' Donuts...

No player has as much sway on the ice and bench as Ovechkin.

Yes most pimps have considerable sway...

When he’s on his game, the other Capitals follow his lead.  

ZOMG you mean when we score more goals the team wins?!? Get out of town! Seriously, aren't you on several known hitlists at this point?

When he’s utterly uninspired, the team suffers inexplicable setbacks such as the one it did Saturday, a 7-1 defeat against Toronto; 

Yep, simple, every game lost by 6 goals is clearly an indictment of one player. Didn't you hear, when the red wings lost to us by the same score earlier this year they boxed Lidstrom right up, taped it shut and sent his ass off back to Sweden where he belongs! CANT WIN A CUP WITH A EURO CAPTAIN!!!

the Maple Leafs fielded a squad with a third-string goalie in net and seven regulars out of the lineup. 

We get it Tarik, it was a bad loss. Don't forget to mention we were missing the greatest defensemen in the planet...

After opening the season with seven straight victories, the Capitals have gone 3-7-1. 

Is that right? Damn, its been a while huh? 


Ovechkin, meantime, hasn’t registered a point in the last four contests — all losses — which ties the worst scoring drought of his career.

Trade this locker-room cancer now before its not too late!

NHL coaches don’t get canned for losing games. 

Nahh, no coach has ever been canned for something as elementary as a game!

They get fired for losing touch with their team and repeatedly getting stonewalled by the team captain. 

If I didn't know better I would think my local columnist just tried to imply the coach is about to get canned because of a certain stubborn Russian sniper? Nahh must be way off here.

Signs of the disconnect between the two have been impossible to ignore:

Oh guess that's exactly what he's going for here. Also here starts the bullet-point section of our column, apparently he prefers to write in memo-format...

Boudreau moved Ovechkin to the wall on the power play. Ovechkin has said he feels more comfortable on the point. 

Startling discovery! Bang zooms! Funny the guy making roughly 1/9th what the other guy makes is the one giving the orders!


Boudreau and his coaching staff have implored Ovechkin to change his strategy on the attack for more than a year.

Hmm... lets see here a couple years ago the guy was potting 60-65 goals a year, so LETS CHANGE HIS ATTACK STRATEGY NOW!!!

Go wide instead of cutting to the middle, they’ve told him. 

Listen, here, fellow who SEEMS to have won multiple Ross and Richards awards, you NEED TO listen to this fat man who may or may not have scored a couple goals back in the seventies!

Use teammates instead of squeezing off low-percentage shots. 

DO ANYTHING POSSIBLE to avoid scoring goals, got it??

Their words, though, have fallen on deaf ears. 

 What you say coach? Me no hear funny words from fat fuck!

Boudreau and his staff have begged Ovechkin to be more responsible in the defensive end

Indeed the most critical aspect for him to focus on is DEFENSE.

yet he still routinely floats in Washington’s zone and leaves it prematurely. 

What you call floating, its simply mistaken as 'preparing to score' duh...

Through the season’s first 18 games, he has a team-worst plus-minus rating of minus-6. 

Arbitrary team stat! Also -6 isn't really all that bad in the grand scheme of things...

Boudreau wants to distribute playing time more equitably. 

Yes for you see, simple mind, in order to score more goals and WIN HOCKEY GAMES you need to have guys who can't score on the ice more!

Although Ovechkin hasn’t complained publicly, 

Mostly because I think he has a english vocabulary in the 8-12 words range..

it’s hard to believe he’s fine with skating 18 minutes 46 seconds per game 

Why not? More time for bong hits and poon-tang!

which is more than four minutes fewer than he averaged during his 65-goal season in 2007-08. 

Yes and god forbid we go back to those dark days!

Boudreau has ushered in a new era of accountability in which stars receive the same treatment as grinders. 

A system that always goes over so well amongst the much higher-paid 'stars'...

Anyone who watched Ovechkin’s reaction to being benched in the final moments of regulation against Anaheim on Nov. 1 (and can read lips) knows what the Capitals’ star player thinks about accountability when it’s applied to him. 

EVERYONE HE CALLED HIM A FAT FUCK!!!!

In the eight games since that 5-4 overtime win against the Ducks, Ovechkin’s season-long slump has deepened.  

Yes, so deep staring into the abyss! Wondering when we shall ever rise again! Perhaps it is time to retire, hang up the boots, put away the sticks and return the mother land!

Sure, he’s had his moments. The numbers, however — two goals and two assists — don’t lie.

And neither does your innate smugness.

Ovechkin’s struggles appeared to reach a low point Saturday at Air Canada Centre. 

Ya think? Way to go out on that limb..

Then, on the power play late in the second period, the puck was on his stick and he was a dozen feet from the net. But instead of firing on goaltender Jonas Gustavsson and his unremarkable .878 save percentage, Ovechkin dished the puck to the point instead. 

Didn't you just praise the coaching staff for changing his game to look to the pass more? Or am I reading all this gibberish wrong?

Ovechkin’s disinterest, it seemed, trickled down to everyone else on the roster.  

Trickled? I was say it poured, gushed, avalanched, swamped, stormed, pounded violently from the rafters..

When Ovechkin was asked whether he was disappointed in his performance this season, he sounded reluctant to accept responsibility for a slow start that’s threatening to turn into another subpar season, saying, “Sometimes you just shoot the puck at empty net and it misses net.” 

Wow, with that kind of intellect leading the charge how can we go wrong? He reiterated with a second analogy, 'sometimes you just shoot a load into an empty vag and it misses the vag!

Asked about his team’s struggles Sunday afternoon, Boudreau compared the handling of multimillionaire professional hockey players to raising children.

I dunno Brucie, I mean even though sometimes the guy does act kinda wacky and silly, is it really best to undermine your team and reduce them to your thirteen year old son? That MIGHT NOT be the best route to take... You can't just ground a guy making 9 mil a year...

“It’s like parenting,” he said.

Its really not, really not even close and I am growing more pissed off that you would try to spew that bullshit at us now.

“You want to get your child to do something right, you scold ’em, you cajole ’em, you take away things, you give things."

Actually you really should try to stay consistent with your children so they respect your decisions and reasoning wait fuck you fatboy this is fucking Alex Ovechkin we're talking about here not Brady fucking Boudreau.

" I’ve always believed that it’s the coach’s job to find the Achilles’ heel that makes them work.”

I present this as exhibit 59 as to why this man should not be running my hockey club anymore. Does he even know what an Achilles heel means?


Asked if Ovechkin’s “button” has been harder to find than it is with other players, Boudreau passed on the question, flashing a sarcastic smile.

Oh BB! You clever plump bastard! Why don't you stop worrying so damn much about everyone's buttons and start I dunno, DRAWING UP SOME GODDAMN PLAYS so we can get back to scoring fucking goals and winning fucking hockey games.

“Go ahead,” he said, turning his head toward another reporter.

Actually he was just quoting his favorite cashier at Burger King...

Perhaps Boudreau’s non-answer was stronger than any explanation he could make. 

Perhaps, or maybe its just some bullshit nonsense used to prop up this rather flimsy blogpost/memo/column crap-tacular.

But it also underscored the challenge he had before him, one that, in his words, is his job to meet.

Indeed, back to Baskin Robins post haste!

Bradley Pours the Burnsauce

Well, it has come to this. Everyone's favorite punching bag, Michael 'code name mister wonderful' Bradley has some parting shots for his former mates. What a shocking reprieve! I mean, amidst this slowest of off-season months, here comes a giant douche-bag out of the blue sweeping in with ridiculous accusations and actual honest name calling! And here I thought all hockey players had suddenly morphed into crosby-3p0 robots with regards to interviews, here comes a super numb-nut hypocrite to blast his old team on a shitty radio show! If only we had some NON-TERRORIST columnist reporter guy who kinda sorta covers the local hockey team, but don't tell his buddies down at the Y or Wilbon...

YayLink

On Hockey: Matt Bradley is spot on with critical comments about Capitals, Alexander Semin

That's the lead in case you're way too lazy to click the link (can't say I blame ya). So here we go, nice of tarikivadabab to take a stand this early on...

For the better part of three months, various members of the Washington Capitals have tiptoed around the issues afflicting the team. 

Indeed, their unflinching ability to dodge any and all inquires on the ever burgeoning waistline of their fearless leader is truly remarkable!


They’d mention leadership, commitment and discipline, but nothing specific enough to explain yet another postseason collapse.

It is possible, that gasp! they all collectively sucked dogshit in the playoffs to the point where they can no longer offer any sort of critique while still employed with said team.


On Wednesday, though, former Capital Matt Bradley stopped speaking in generalities and took the issues head on.

Well bully for you! What's the matter punchy, got ya panties in a wad brother?

Among them were the team’s lack of discipline, Alexander Semin’s lack of effort and a caste system that rewards underperforming stars. 

Underperforming! Ha-ha-ha! Eleven points, eleven, yes just one more then ten, but oh, let's see here, one less then twelve. Eleven fucking points.


“I mean, there’s reasons why,” said Bradley, who signed with the Florida Panthers in July as an unrestricted free agent.

Such as, your inability to contribute in a positive manner in the scoring column? Let's see, your stellar -3 shows a clear knack for the defensive side of the coin! I'm sure you played most of your minutes against Crosby right chief?

“We had some guys who didn’t show up in the playoffs, and I’ll leave them unnamed." 

9 games, 0 goals, 0 assists, -3. It's okay brah, you can just name yourself, no one will mind.

"I think our locker room was maybe a little bit too nonchalant, and guys weren’t disciplined the way they should have been."

Possibly a cheap shot but check the link, a video on the CAPITALS WEBSITE where the entire team names Sir Bradley the BIGGEST PRANKSTER IN THE FUCKING LOCKERROOM!>!>!!>!(!#(!

“Those two things,” he added, “are big things.”

Unless, you know, another two things, which may be not so big, but still things, and then those four things which are of varying size, but all mostly big. Well then you have four things, which are big things, I think.

If anyone knows, it’s Bradley. 

Indeed, I always go to the guy either playing 6 minutes a night, out with another bloodied melon, or sitting in the press box while Jay freakin' Beagle gets some playing time, to gather the pulse of the room!

He was here for the rebuild. 

So he got a ton of minutes when the team sucked ass, good point.

He was a vital part of the team that claimed the Presidents’ Trophy in the 2009-10 season.

Clearly, his ten goals represented 1/31.3 or a whopping 3 percent of the total for the team! So, so vital...

He was in the dressing room and the team meetings as each of the past two postseasons came to a grisly end. 

He was snappin' towels!

And the 33-year-old winger’s comments Tuesday were in line with what those on the outside have suspected for years. 

Who?!?! Who are these 'outsiders' commenting in line? Is it you, you terrorist son of a bitch?!?

“It wasn’t like guys were going out the night before a game." 

He added, 'yeah you know, Ovie and Backy are so stoned they can hardly get off the couch!'

" It was not being ready to practice or missing practice with questionable injuries. Not being focused.” 

Dude, you try staying focused when you are Russian superstar! Those blond twats don't twiddle themselves!!

Then, Bradley took aim at Semin. 


Okay, listen here sonny boy, this here is a goddamn family newspaper, and I'LL BE DAMNED if I'm going to stand here and watch you print this garbage about shooting loads and taking aim! Now that's enough! Did you just call in a bomb threat?

“I don’t mind saying Alexander Semin’s name,"

Because he doesn't speak english? Because it's really silly to say?

"because he’s one guy who has so much talent, he could easily be the best player in the league, and just for whatever reason, just doesn’t care,” Bradley said. 

Classic butter job, yeah I'm sure the guy who potted 58 points to your 11 really doesn't give a shit. Go fuck off Brads, everyone sucked last year quit throwing sasha under the bus because he didn't laugh at your idiot frat-boy pranks.

“You need him to be your best player, or one of your best players, and when he doesn’t show up, you almost get the sense that he wants to be back in Russia.” 

I almost get the sense that you're so fucking bitter that only the fucking Panthers would give you a contract to MAYBE get time on their checking line.

Semin scored four goals in Washington’s first six playoff games last spring, but mustered only an assist in Games 2-4 vs. the Lightning. 

See, Tarik here will most conveniently fail to mention any statistics with regards to his new found butt boy Bradley. Mustered only an assist, fuck off Tarikavaabbab..

His performance in Washington’s collapse was so lackluster, Russia did not extend an invitation for him to join Alex Ovechkin and the rest of the national team for the world championships. 

And you know this how...

Bradley also criticized the Capitals’ caste system in which star players skip practice, escape criticism and continue to receive ample ice time despite repeated on-ice transgressions.

Hey Punchy next time you want playing time why don't you try scoring more goals.

It never seemed right, but now we’ve a former team leader saying as much. 

Leader my balls, and what kind of paragraph is that tarikvalabadbd? I mean really, who is this proverbial 'It' that clearly has judged this organization so harshly?!

“But I think in the end, if you want to win, sometimes you have to sit some of those guys down and maybe send a message and try to get them going.” 

Yeah! Nothing gets a guy going like being benched! Explain more oh great one! Here's a tip, if you want to win you need to score goals! Unlike, you know that 0-0-0 you tossed up in 9 playoff games...

On the subject of Ovechkin, Bradley called his former captain “all in” — a reference to how hard he plays and his commitment on the ice. 

Trust me, that's not why they call him 'all-in'...

Bradley did, however, say Ovechkin “has some growing up to do as far as taking care of himself.” 

OMGBBQWTF Didn't you see that hookah photo?!?! I mean, the man's an athlete!

Bradley did not expound on the comment. But he didn’t need to. 

Actually, yeah he could have with I dunno, one fucking actual example! Or you know, just bask in the glow of gross exaggeration and embellishment behind a veil of general bullshit. Or, here's one, maybe show some fucking humility and at least call yourself out for you know, NOT SCORING A SINGLE FUCKING POINT THE ENTIRE PLAYOFFS.

Ovechkin himself hinted after the season that he planned to report to training camp in better shape.

Pretty sure I could find 5 links from 5 different off-seasons where he's said that exact thing so give it a rest.

As word of Bradley’s brutally honest assessment spread through a mostly empty Kettler Capitals Iceplex on a sunny August afternoon, the reaction of the handful of team members on hand was telling.

Indeed, it was quite striking that almost nobody was practicing in August! Clearly Brads has a great point right Trararkiarainarebebebeb??!?

It was a collective shrug. As in, “We know.” 

No that collective shrug was every poor sap reading this drivel right before they pull the noose one last time.

Then, about a week ago, Coach Bruce Boudreau acknowledged that the upcoming season will take on “a more serious” tone, beginning with training camp. 

Uh huh, he said this while partying it up at the local Chuck-e-cheese for little Brady's thirteen-and-a-half birthday party! Yeah boy, extra peperoni for the big man!

In recent days, players have acknowledged that they expect camp to be more demanding.  

I heard they have to skate a WHOLE HALF HOUR! My god, what a gruel!

That they anticipate fewer optional practices during the regular season, too.  

I picture OV reading that, exhaling a hit from the binger, then choking his ass off in a fit of laughter.

At least one said he wouldn’t be stunned to see a star player stapled to the bench for poor play. 

Well let's see here, Fehrsies is gone, so who can we bench... Wait a minute, is that Alzner? Of course, get in my office lad, let me tell you about how great double nickel has been...

There was no outrage Wednesday at the team’s Arlington practice facility because, deep down, what Bradley said was spot on. 

You see, the columnist knows this because he performed a long known Muslim ritual to peer deep into the souls of the entire organization! Or you know, the three poor saps actually practicing there that day...

The question is whether any current Capitals will demand such accountability in the locker room where it matters, instead of on the radio after they’ve left town. 

Yes that is the question, thanks mister terrorist. Go cover the Panthers with your fag-boy Bradley and leave the cup to us winners!

Back to School

When I think hockey camp, I think of one thing:



Yes indeed! Gabby the Wide! The greatness of Girth! Hockey's preemptive crowning Wizard o' Power Play! I know, when I'm looking for the real insight, the true intelligence, the ultimate method of professionalism and goal-scoring prowess, I turn to our fearless leader! He of the triple x-l alligator golf shirt! With matching wrinkled five day old khaki pant! If only there were some local beat correspondent with a cuteish smile and whimsical slant of the eyes, a homely girl-next-door type with nicely parted auburn highlights, a simple gal to lead us through the foliage...

Post


Coach Bruce Boudreau muses about Capitals’ line combinations for next season
By Tarik El-Bashir

Damn! Some terrorist (at least by name appearance and no I'm not racist) has taken over my lovely blogger's blog! The humanity!

As I mentioned on Twitter last week

Fuck you tarik, this article is not about you, or your goddamn loser twitter account that I'm sure has exactly 2 followers, your mom and dad (assuming dad lets her slip off the ole birka every now and then and log on to her laptop).

I spent this past weekend in St. Catharines, Ont., at Capitals Coach Bruce Boudreau's 29th annual Golden Horseshoe Hockey School.

My, what possible grand prize did you win?!?

In bad times, the camp supplemented his minor-league coaching salary.

Yes, those constant buffet trips can be costly...

The past few years, though, he's kept it going for his 13-year-old son, Brady, and because he and his wife, Crystal, enjoy doing it.

Damnit Brady! I told you to stay on the rug!!

Look for that story in the next week or so.

Oh god, I can't fucking wait. I mean, to think, all the great info you could of just uploaded here to the blog, but NOOOO, make us wait just like the fucking weathermen with their goddamn seven day forecast that is never right! And have you noticed, airplane peanuts?!?

In the meantime, I want to share a few interesting items from an interview with Boudreau that focused on the Caps.

Damn, I was really hoping the interview had covered more pressing items, such as Denny's latest 1.99 specials!

One of the more interesting items that came up was the style of play the team will implement this season.

So interesting, and never before brought up with relation to the Caps last season! I mean, really, they changed systems you say??? I've never heard of that! What's a system?

It's been well-documented that Boudreau was forced to switch from his trademark high-octane style to a defensive posture when the flood of goals all but dried up in December.

Yes well documented by you asshat columnists who really don't have anything original or important to say with regards to this fourth-rate sport you've grudgingly been assigned to cover?

But now he's contemplating another tweak.

And the mountains trembled! Avalanche of snow and ice barreled forth with unwavering speeds! The world shook at the might of tweak contemplation! Lookout everyone, be ready to have your mind melted!

“I'm hoping that we can be a hybrid,” Boudreau said.

(insert image of that old guy's head exploding)

“There's some parts we changed [last season] that I really loved."

He listed them:
    -Free all you-can-eat breakfast buffet on the road trips
    -Free pizza toppings for every goal scored
    -Complimentary bagels and burritos when you rock the red!
    -Ice Cream on Fridays!

"I'd like to get back to being more of a quick-break team.”

Yes, for you see, with a quicker team, you may, score more goals! Yes Yes! Stanley Cup is ours!!

Boudreau would not delve into the specifics of positioning and the responsibilities of individual players in the new system.

Very simple reason for that, he has no clue what those words mean for they do not appear anywhere on the Dennys late-night menu...

But he also made it clear that he doesn't want them to revert to the Caps of 2009-10, with forwards routinely gliding back, or camping out in the neutral zone while the puck is deep in Washington's end, or more important, feeling that defensive-zone coverage isn't in their job description.

You remember, way back in 2009, you know, when the Caps were the BEST FUCKING TEAM in the goddamn sport. Yeah, lets NEVER get back to that...

“I'd like to be a quick-break team but not [have forwards] taking off, waiting at the blue line,” he said.

Couldn't you just, I dunno, tell them not to? I mean, is that really that hard? You are the fucking coach for christssake...

The coaching staff tested the hybrid system in development camp

Indeed, nothing helps identify strengths and weaknesses of a potential NHL hockey team's system then seeing how a bunch of teenagers with no experience playing against imaginary opponents handle it...

“It seemed to work really good,” he said, before later adding, “I'm always trying to be more of an offensive coach. I love offense. You have to score to win.”

Wow, I think all these camps, clinics, and lectures are really paying off... Finally our coach has figured out, after all these years, you have to score to win! What next genius boy, a cure for cancer is surely in the works?!?

Something else I found interesting was Boudreau's take on line combinations and defensive pairings heading into next season.

He makes them up out of thin air?! His son Brady takes a dump and he arranges them out of the excrement?! His wife Crystal calls them out while washing the windows of his new Mercedes?!

For one, it didn't sound like Alex Ovechkin-Nicklas Backstrom-Mike Knuble is a lock to be the first line.

Really, after the two highest paid players, biggest superstars on the team had horrible years playing with old-man-river who couldn't keep up, they just might consider a change? GTFOBBQWTF

Or, for that matter, that Brooks Laich will be the second-line center.

Oh Brooksies!! Give it to me hard baby! Call me wizard boy!

Or, for that matter, that John Erskine will be sitting in the press box.

Yeah, he'd look great in a Hershey Bears uni...

“Our depth is tremendous,” he said. “I go over the lines, as you know, every day."

Unless of course its shrimp day on the golden corral, then ALL BETS ARE OFF!

“Who plays where?”
“There's a lot of options there,” he added, hardly taking a breath.

Silly columnist/blogger/terrorist, that's just how the man breathes, you see, he's kinda (shhhh) fat...

I know that was a mouthful, but stick with him.

I'm not making this up, and yes it indeed was a mouthful. A mouthful of cannoli...

Boudreau said Schultz will be in much better shape in next month's training camp next versus last season and, in his opinion, “is going to open up some eyes.”

Yep, bigbird is really shaping up this summer! He's worked out with Brady all month...

“Last year — this never got out — but he had an illness all summer long"

I'm sorry but being a seven foot tall pylon who couldn't body check a member of the Chinese ping pong team is not an illness, did not last all summer long, and has certainly gotten out at this point.

This summer, he's been in the gym working, running and he's getting leaner"

Any leaner and he literally wouldn't be able to stand. He's a fucking walking plank of wood...

"When I saw him at the end of July, he was in great shape.”

"And then I ate him," he added with a sad face.

Boudreau said he did not have an update on Poti's status.

Not much to update from the grave.... Oh sick burn!

That's all for now, folks. I'll see if I can mine a few more nuggets from my recorder for another post later this week.

Oh boy, someone went to the Peter King summer school of nuggets. Hey Tarik, please get out of my caps insider and let the natural beauty resume domination please? K thanks!